Friday, August 7, 2009

I May Not Actually BE a Parent....

But I AM a judger.

As such, I feel like I can tell you all what you are doing wrong as parents. Why, I am just FULL of good advice - never having done it and all - but I HAVE seen a LOT of kids (too many frankly) and on my 18 hour return flight to Khartoum I realized that I should probably share it with you. Now I realize that many of you may be lamenting that I had 18 hours to think about shit. However, don't blame me...Blame United Airlines - they had a REALLY shitty selection of movies this month. SO shitty, that I ended up watching the Hannah Montana Movie and now you all are going to pay for it....

That's just how I roll.

Now, I'm sure you all will wish to thank me for this wonderful, insightful, and uplifting advice; however, please read through to the end before you start thanking me. Now, to start off - I think I should point out that there may actually be some confusion out there that should probably be cleared up first off:

YOUR KID IS NOT THAT ADORABLE!

Seriously, you might be the only one that thinks that...it is important to figure this out first. Because the degree to which your kid is totally annoying will determine the degree of dirty looks you will get from me. Granted, many of them ARE cute and do some funny, funny things (most of which, only I think is funny and you think are humiliating and/or expensive, but it IS entertaining for me); however, unless you're my niece or nephew I DO NOT want your child to come up to our table at a restaurant and start what they believe to adorable chit chat. (Hint: it's not)

"YES, that IS our bread. Now get the hell away from me you snotty nose! Your boogers are making me want to vomit." (example of MY adorable chit chat in return)

WTF bad parents?!!? I'm not your babysitter!! At the very least, little Phineas' mom (PHINEAS??) owes me $9 for my breakfast because she sure didn't get up off of her ass to retrive her kid, nor, apparently, did she bother to get him a damn kleenex.

Write this down: I DO NOT WANT TO BLOW YOUR KIDS' NOSE AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE. That is really, really gross. I don't even like blowing my own nose, frankly (and I have allergies, I know what I am talking about here.) It's not that difficult of a concept: if your kid cannot sit through a meal, and you're not going to gut up off of your ass to make them sit at the table, then DO NOT BRING THEM to a restaurant.

You see, parenting is not really that difficult. Much like dog training, you should simply reward good behavior, but you STILL have to address bad behavior immediately. Petsmart has some really good books in this regard if you feel you need further clarification.

Further....(oh, I'm not done with this particular rant...not by a LONG shot) WHY does the whole family have to go with you to the grocery store?! WHY? If there are two parents - you should simply do the ole rock, paper, scissors to see who has to go to the store alone (OR, if you feel this way, who has to stay home with the kids) and ONE of you go. Now I probably would actually still mind if you brought your four kids with you to store even if they WERE well behaved (because it frankly clogs up the aisles). Therefore, it is even worse when you have kids that start to throw a temper tantrum in the store. TAKE THEM OUTSIDE.

Seriously. Nobody wants to hear that shit.

I recall one time my mother brought me to the grocery store with her. My sister and I knew that we DID NOT ask for shit in the store because that guaranteed that you would not get it. However, I think I figured it was near a birthday or holiday or something, so I went out on a limb and asked for some Cocoa Puffs or Cookie Crisp (that shit was GOOD) instead of stupid Corn Flakes (gag). My mother looked at me like I had asked her to stab the lady with the other cart (we weren't allowed sugared cereals - probably a large part of why I am now obsessed with Little Debbie and all things Hostess). She said, "NO!" and continued down the aisle toward the Corn Flakes.

"Can I get some Honey Nut Cheerios then?"
"NO! You know the rules!"
"BUT MOOOOOOOM! WHHYYYYYYYYYY??? WHYYYYYY NOT!?!?"

My voice had risen to a wailing whine. The lady who narrowly escaped being asked to be stabbed was staring, as was the guy stocking the Crunch Berries -- You know, I really loved that Captain Crunch! Those nautical men sure do know their cereals. Except when he brought out that peanut butter shit. WTF was that!? Gag -- ANYWAY, my mother picked up her purse, swatted me on the butt, grabbed my arm mid-whine, abandoned the cart and drove me home.

I didn't even need to ask why or what was going on because I KNEW. With the exception of the lists on the fridge every Saturday morning where my parents pretty much turned into white slavers -- I mean WHO the hell asks their kids to get a bucket of hot soapy water and wipe down the baseboards and the blinds!? WTF!? -- I had great parents. We had rules and we had to follow them. We knew what was allowed and we knew when we (well, when MEL) was breaking them. I was a saint. Mel was the one who broke all the rules. (She doesn't read this blog ... HA!)

Anyway, my point is - and I do have one - the key to child rearing is this: Do not have them. They cannot be trusted. The minute you turn your back, they're into shit.

Then they become teens and God Help you.

Well, I certainly hope this post was helpful to you. Please, just let me know if I can be of any further assistance. Best regards.

35 comments:

Medora said...

I never assume that everyone else adores my kids like I do - and I don't always adore them, either. I hate it when other parents think I am going to be tolerant of their kids just because I have two of my own - no thanks, I don't want your kids hassling me at a restaurant, store, the pool, whatever. Pull your head out of your ass and pay attention to them. The whole "it takes a village" mentality is bullshit - you have the kids, you take care of them. Period. They will grow up to understand that people don't owe them anything, entertainment or otherwise, and to be respectful of others' personal space and property. It's just that easy.

The worst thing about being a parent, though, is that other people feel like they can tell you how to parent - especially people who don't have kids. I have two very different children and I have to handle them differently in order to get them to do what I want, and also in their best interest. Some moron at work was giving me a hard time because I send my daughter to an all-girls, private Catholic school that is very expensive, she is very happy there and I am glad I can do this for her - my son was going to our public school, which is the one I went to and is rated "excellent." She kept at me about why he didn't get to go to a private school, because it wasn't fair, nice, etc. for me to send her to an expensive school and not him. Finally I yelled at her one day - the boy is autistic, he needs to be in special ed, and private schools aren't equipped to do that! So many people were horrified that she would butt into my business, and she was really embarassed and felt bad. I never talked to her again. Idiot.

Esmerelda said...

Only a few of us are bad parents, and we snootily turn our snotty noses towards the bad ones.

And FYI, my kids ARE that adorable. Strangers come up to comment on it. But they are also well behaved, rarely throw tantrums and if they do - we haul them out quickly, and we carry loads and loads of tissues. My purse is the size of Russia.

=)

Elle said...

Kids are the reason I, 1) will NEVER eat at a buffet (you might as well go lick the inside of the toilet) 2) will NEVER, EVER share a drink with anyone. I love kids, but they are biohazards!!

And the advice about not having any, thanks alot, too late!

Hit 40 said...

I also do not appreciate folks letting their kids run wild in restaurants. It's just dangerous. Folks are carrying hot food!! Waiters have a hard time seeing the shortie below their tray. Kinda like a damn cat. We need to keep stats on how many old ladies have their cats break their legs tripping over them.

,,,the grocery store. Sorry. We all need to buy food. Child services would arrest us if we left them home alone. But.. it is tempting.

I would guess their are no kids in Sudan. Nice!!!

blognut said...

Thank you SO much for all of this parenting advice. I truly believe you should post this on some of those parenting bulletin boards on the internet and get the message out there.

My other favorite thing at the grocery store (where favorite = I want to poke my eyes out), is when they have those child-size grocery cards and somebody's snot-nosed little punk keeps whacking me in the back of the legs with it while I pretend not to want to throw the child into the lobster tank over by the meat counter.

And? Someday I'll tell you about the kid I almost drowned on vacation one year. The little effer wouldn't stop spitting water on me. SPITTING WATER ON ME! And his mom? Right there next to me, reading a book.

blognut said...

Yeah, that would be 'child-sized grocery carTs' not cards.

Dammit. I hate it when I'm a moron.

loveandbooze said...

I really thought I was the only one... WOW! When ever the topic of kids come up, the first thing I think about are the whiny, bratty kids in restraunts who cry and the parents ignore it as if it isn't happening! I'm like UGH HELLO! I am trying to have a conversation and enjoy my meal with my friends and your child is ruining it. When I have kids, I will take them outside. People think I am the devil because it bothers me OR because I think they should be taken outside. Woo! So glad to see I am not the only one.

Captain Dumbass said...

Sometimes I think you should be able to hit the children's parent. But then sometimes I see that broken defeated look in their eyes and I understand because I'm a hair's breath away from slapping duct taping my own kids mouths shut.

Vancouver's Enviro Girl said...

Oh, I love you. I really do. You just gave voice to why I do not and will not have chidren. Other people have ruined it for me.

lakeviewer said...

Ask teachers; they can tell you pretty much which kid is going to succeed, and which will end up in jail. I'm talking about kindergarten teachers. I worked in junior high. I could win the lottery predicting future successes.

Hit 40 said...

Lakeviewer is right!!! I know which kids I will see ringing up my bill at the grocery store and which will take care of me in the ER. and....

which will be in the local paper for something awful. I just had one this summer who... not good.

Susan said...

I parent much like your mother did and my kids are stellar in public. They're still assholes at home.

rxBambi said...

LOL at Susan, I feel the same way. When someone complimented the kids when they were younger I'd be like, really? MY kids were good?? Did you drug them or something?! HA
And ditto on the not-having-kids advice. Where the hell were you 17 years ago and I was drunk??

Mad Aunt Bernard said...

Love your blog, as always...it's my dose of sanity! There is an award for you over at mine if you accept high accolades from a warty old woman in a sack....x

Kelly's Ideas said...

Funny - I don't lie other people's kids and sometimes I don't like my own... but I truly hate when someone lets their kids run around or cry in restaurants, movies, or the public... drives me insane... becuz like you said their kid is not cute...

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I am asking for God's help EVERYDAY lately. And yes. I have a teenager.

BTW Last time I was on a plane I got seated next to woman with baby riding free on her lap. SHe kept letting baby do the Helen Keller on my face.

otin said...

I bet you are a hit with the trick or treaters!!!!!! LMAO! Cyanide licorice anyone! HAHAHAHA!

kristine said...

A lot of my friends have had kids over the last year or so, and it hilarious to me how they are all like "its amazing, most babies are so UGLY, I am so lucky mine is really cute!!" Ha.

bernthis said...

I'm also of the ilk that people go to restaurants to eat and NOT hear my kid, same goes for the grocery store, etc.

Oh and BTW-we eat Honey Nut Cheerios every morning so lucky for P. there is no begging necessary

Reddirt Woman said...

I think there should be NKA (no kids allowed)Restaurants. I have, more than once, asked to be moved to another table because there were kids acting like heathens sitting at the next table... even at family get-togethers.

I do love your clarity about this subject.

Helen

Dingo said...

I've lurked here for a bit but had to de-lurk to give you a standing ovation. And I expect that soon you will receive a sh# storm of comments and emails from people telling you that "I never let my kids act like that." Uh, right. It must be the same snotty nose, whiney, entitled kid wrecking the meal, movie, museum outing for all of us. Boy, he gets around!

Hit 40 said...

Ok... I just wondered about a piece of your rant that did not make sense?? You were in a freaking grocery store??? I think you can go to just stores that sell liquor. You do not need to mess with the baby aisle at the wine/hard liquor store. And... the wine store usually has yummy snacks to go with the liquor.

And.... I imagine you saw the kids during early bird special time with your family. Kids are usually at home by 7 or 8 pm unless their mom is Courtney Love.

Hit 40 said...

Just some notes to avoid the kids next trip to the states :-)

Professor A B Yaffle said...

You see! This is exactly what happens when you let women out of the kitchen ;o)
Children are Not great they just grate
On your advice I will NEVER have any, coz I'm a bloke ha! ha!
Anyways up I'm in the bloody kitchen

Beth said...

Holy shit! Can you come be the guest speaker at my first PTO meeting?

Fragrant Liar said...

Yeah, I LOVE Captain Crunch. And I LOVE sailors who talk like sailors. If Captain Jack Sparrow made a cereal? I'd totally buy it cuz I like pirates too.

Oh yeah, kids. I like my own usually, including the grandkids, but I'm not fond of other people's children. Totally annoying, and I know you get what I'm saying. Go wipe your nose on your mom's shirt, kid!

Elizabeth said...

You know that I'm not crazy about kids - not even my own (remember, one of my kids is the infamous GRACE!), and I totally back everything you're saying. However, I had to guffaw at this paragraph:

"Parenting is not really that difficult. Much like dog training, you should simply reward good behavior, but you STILL have to address bad behavior immediately. Petsmart has some really good books in this regard if you feel you need further clarification."

You know that if Kernal were a human child he would have been kicked out of preschool, right? And that Kernal is probably not as adorable as you think he is? I'm just sayin'.....

tera said...

Bwah ha ha! I'm so glad I'm not the only one who feels this way!!

I'm all for separate dining rooms in restaurants for people with kids. This is why we almost exclusively eat in the bar section of most places.
I also think that there should be separate airline flights for kids and for no kids.

I know. I'm mean. But hey, it's my buck and dammit I should be able to enjoy the misery of bitching about how crappy airline travel is, and how uncomfortable my seat is and how sucky the pretzels are and where-the-hell-is-my-drink, without having to listen to little kids whine while they repeatedly kick the back of my seat.

Moannie said...

Terrific post and well worthy of David's mention on authorblog's POTD.

How about the parents who let their kids bang the back of your seat on a plane or train-until you are ready to kill the little bugger and strangle the mother,

Gaston Studio said...

Congrats on POTD award!!

Think you nailed it kiddo, and made me LMAO to boot! Glad to have you back.

♥ Braja said...

I'm with Capt Dumbass: can't we just beat the crap outta parents? I also have a WEALTH of advice to share as a superior intelligence breed of being in the "no children by choice thank you very much" category. We're rare, Michel. Oh, and I KNOW there are SO many who regret having them but think it's politically incorrect to say so, and so they rant at people like you and me who don't have 'em. Ha!!

Jeni said...

Having had three children of my own -who somehow managed to survive without my having to fulfill the dire threats of loss of limb or life to them and now, having three grandchildren -all of which are beautiful, innocent and just perfectly adorable (except of the occasional meltdowns of the two younger kids who just happen to be autistic and sadly, that's one of their elements of existence)-but I digress there -as a former food service employee for many years (waitress and management) children in restaurants are, indeed, often dangerous and food service workers should get hazardous duty pay when waiting on those small individuals!
The only people who should be allowed to enter a restaurant and bring small children with them (other than a fast-food place where you serve your self, sort of) are people who are Amish or Mennonites! Those people and their children are the best customers ever! The kids sit where they are supposed to sit, are quiet, mannerly, extremely polite and very well-behaved! No running around, zigging and zagging under the waiter/ess legs creating a potential accident involving spillage of hot beverages or food EVER with those kids! The drawback is that these families are not usually big tippers but heck, for the pleasure of waiting on them, I guess a slight drop in income can be acceptable now and again. They should be giving seminars in child rearing and how to do it so kids are acceptable entities in public!

gaelikaa said...

yeah, well, sorry if my kids ever bothered you but it's unlikely as we don't live in the same country. I'm generally particular about not letting my kids bother others. Sometimes you have no one to mind them and you have to take them to the store and they throw tantrums whether you like it or not and people may approve or disapprove - but what can you do? Don't be too judgmental about the parents you meet, dear! They're probably doing their best!!

Brian Miller said...

rich. working with parents all the time of kids they have trained to be caged animals...i can so relate...congrats on the POTD mention!

Autumn said...

Crap, I could have written this post 8 years ago. Then Karma hit me with a spastic son.... I do try to not be one of those ass hat parents that let their kids run wild. It's just that sometimes I get so tired of being judged by people without children that I intentionally let my snotty nose kid drive them nuts ... it's my way of sharing the insanity that is parenthood ... you're welcome.