Monday, August 10, 2009

An American History Lesson

Yesterday Pastor Sharon was confused, and because the American public school system failed her, she did not realize how Dolly Madison and Little Debbie were heros. So I educated her, and she asked that I post my findings in case anyone else out there was a victim of the American school system.

Comment from Pastor Sharon:

I am doing a study right now with certain people. Therefore, biographies are part of my research. Could you send me the biographies of the GREAT LEADERS Dolly Madison and Little Debbie. I simply cannot find them at the library!

Dolly Madison used to make these delicious rectangular shaped cakes that she would fill with whipped cream and frost (and run a fork down the top to make lines on the top as her "signature move") while she sewed a flag for George Washington. He liked her cakes so much that he chose her flag, even though it was pretty much a half-assed effort. (Little known fact: he had asked for stars all over the stripes too. George really liked stars. He had them put on his ceiling in his bedroom). His favorite was the raspberry coconut one. They say it's what got her the flag commission.

Little Debbie was an explorer who led Lewis and Clark on their expedition. She was also called "Pocahontas" by her friends and family. It was her Indian name, but back in the day, it's wasn't cool to be American Indian, only Indian Indian which was considered exotic and they were really good at cooking with curry, which Americans at that time didn't really understand how to cook, so their lessons were really sought after. The American Indians, on the other hand, only had pemmican, which the Americans didn't really like (pretty much like unsalted jerky powder (gag) which NOBODY could understand why a culture would not use salt, so they would try to put the American Indians in large groups on select plots of land - so as to study them. Anyway, Pocahontas ended up adopting the name Clark gave her when he met her and told her that Pocahontas is too hard to spell or say, so he told her he would call her ....Little Debbie.

She used to make the traditional native American food for travel (not the pemmican because that shit's just nasty and pretty much worthless as she brought along her tribe's other favorite travel food oatmeal cookies with whipped cream in the middle - creating the first "sandwich". Her sandwiches were used to trade with the other tribes. Along the way, they encountered a tribe of the very rare Swiss Indians, who paid for some old blankets that Lewis brought along by trading them for some rolled up chocolate cake with whipped cream and chocolate frosting that they called "Swiss Rolls." Unfortunately, in a tragic turn of events, the swiss indians mysteriously died of smallpox gathered around that blanket Lewis gave them to keep warm - which is why you never hear of them today.

Little Debbie perfected the recipes, used photoshop on her picture to give herself freckles so that nobody would assume her braids were Indian (again, racism was cool back in those days)

And then she discovered Montana.


ALSO, I just had to include this little snippet (mostly for Josh's parents because I know they will totally realize the randomness of conversations with their son! That guy is a hoot!)

Skype Transcript

Joshua: I got bit by a donkey today
he bit my boot
not very hard
but then when i walked away he was following me

Michel : shit

joshua: so then i started jogging
and he followed me faster

Michel : shit (note: I'm obviously quite eloquent)

joshua: and then i ran up the hill and he was running along behind me, and he snipped at me

Michel: no way! A donkey gone bad??

joshua: i could hear his teeth cracking! it was eff'ing scary man

Michel: creepy Bastard!

joshua: he was pissed. it was weird

Michel: ALRIGHT! What did you do to him?!?!

joshua :
i don't know. i even gave him an apple! he's used to being with people because the navy seals always feed him. they even put a reflective running belt on him so people don't run into him

Michel: Did you give him the apple before? or after he bit you??

Michel: did you pet him? maybe he expected you to stay longer? Maybe your behavior was rude to Iraqi Donkeys.

joshua: i did pet him, but the bite on the foot came while i was petting him

joshua: it was weird man

Michel: was it one of those granny smith apples?? Sometimes those are really sour and that pisses me off too!!

joshua: it was a sour apple

Michel: he was pissed. he was expecting golden delicious.
You know how if you get all excited and then you get a sour apple...that is very upsetting.

Michel: He's got a point.

joshua: i'm gonna throw stuff at him tomorrow


Pastor Sharon said...

The history lesson was wonderful! Thank you so much for clarifying everything dear! I had no idea, photoshop and cream filled oatmeal cookies went so far back. :)))

Comedy Goddess said...

And Betty Crocker is a semi DIY girls best friend. She doesn't mind when anyone passes off her stuff as slaved over homemade delights.

Hit 40 said...

Oh yeah blame poor Josh for the donkeys bad behavior. You can never blame the donkey. This is why donkeys are just "going to hell". They can not take any responsibility. Put the damn donkey to work!! It needs to earn the apples.

Middle Aged Woman said...

Mmmmm..raspberry coconut cakes. I think I need to go to the store.

lakeviewer said...

We need more facts like these to set us straight. You must have read the newest historical account since you have inside information we don't have.

otin said...

Sounds like Josh was playing with that ass! HAHAHAHA!

Captain Dumbass said...

Damn, I wished I'd taken American history with you.

Pastor Sharon said...

You know Michel, I was thinking of all those who were never mentioned in our history books that somehow were in yours.
Do you think Captain Morgan was the one who really discovered America? I mean we give credit to Christopher Columbus. From what I have learned, he wasn't the one who discovered America first.
I know Johnny Appleseed was responsible for our Apple Orchards blooming as they do. I think I read that Peter Pan is responsible for all the Peanut farms and Paula Dean's grandmother discovered the joy of cooking with wine, right after her grandfather started a vineyard in California.
We just have so much more to learn and discover.

blognut said...

I way like your version of history better than that stuff they made me memorize at school.

And tell Josh not to throw stuff at the donkey tomorrow because it will totally bite his apples if he doesn't make nice.

rxBambi said...

Oh My God. Seriously. What planet are you on? Better yet, what drugs are you on? seriously. I'll get us both some. You are, by far, one of the funniest people I have ever known. "known" being relative of course.
LMFAO to quote Otin.
Thanks. I needed it.

Elle said...

Thank you. I feel so enlightened. I always felt like my 10th grade history teacher wasn't telling us the whole story, now I know the truth

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Hey, wait! Is Pastor Sharon making fun of Paula Deen? That's blasphemy! Bless her buttery goodness!

LMAO @ your skype talk w/Josh. Damn Navy seals. Maybe I'll aspire to be a ranger instead. Delta force? Yeah, that's it.

darsden said...

dude I really want some of what ever they give you in the compound!

you know ...sssh...nobody knows but a few.. I got chased by a rouge bat yesterday..he try to bite me 4 times..everything on me was a flapping..arms, fat, feet... an according to Janie... I am now...nanananananana batgirl...

so I kinda feel for Josh having a rouge ass after him...LOL

jb said...

Ehhhh!!!!..its me the Canadian...just letting you know its you starring on my blog this week is that bacon almost ready.


you didn't pick my next story eh!!!!!that's my gift if you want to know.

Gaston Studio said...

I totally laughed out loud at Josh's last comment!

I definitely believe your history book as I was actually there when George selected Dolly's flag version. FYI, Lewis and I didn't like the name Clark gave her so we called her Pokey... because that's how she got the cream into those rolls.

Medora said...

Little Debbie is also a NASCAR sponsor . . .

tera said...

Gosh, I feel so edumacated now! Who knew?! (Well, obviously you did...)

And your conversation with Josh totally sounds like my conversations with Eric. Well, except for the donkey part.
And the apple part.
And the running up the hill away from the donkey part.
But otherwise, just like!

Optimistic Pessimist said...

a very educational post indeed!

Heidi said...

What's Montana?