Tuesday, August 18, 2009

I've Had a Lotta Time on My Hands

So today I had a lotta time on my hands - well, after I woke up at almost 2pm that is...a LOT of time - because I don't have any TV here in Sudan. You have no idea how bad it sucks to be sick and not be able to watch TV. (Plus, I'd like to send out a big F U to Hulu.com and abc.com and all you other "watch our tv episodes".com's who discriminate against me because I have a sudanese IP address. SCREW YOU! Who wanted to watch your stupid TV anyway. SNIFF SNIFF) No matter that I think the TV part is the part that heals you quicker. I'll just linger here in Sudan doing online research about stuff.

What could possibly go wrong?

So in my copious reserach, I came across this little tidbit that I was not aware of previously: APPARENTLY, I was supposed to have been checking inside my shoes before I put them on because SCORPIONS may have crawled inside them when I wasn't looking.

WTF?? Scorpions?! Those are just really big spiders with KNIVES!!

Now I'm all freaked out. I can only assume that I now have a little Hilton for Scorpions going on inside my closet because I have never checked! NOT. ONE. SINGLE. TIME.

Although, to be fair, most of the shoes I wear here are open toed -- and believe me, I had a really big internal (and external with Anna and Christina) debate here about whether or not I should actually be wearing open toed shoes. You know how Sudan has that damn worm that lives in the dirt and it gets into you if you're barefoot -- and open toed is pretty much bare footed here in Khartoum because the dirt is all over.

But then Christina rightly pointed out that if you wear enclosed toe shoes here then the dirt just fills up your shoe and can't get out! And then, you probably have even more chance of that worm getting you because at least with the open toe the dirt can fly right out again as you walk.

We went with the flying dirt out of the toe safety option. And frankly....who wouldn't!?!?!

So I then decided that maybe, just maybe I am not cut out to live in the third world. That maybe, this might not be for me. So I chatted with Liz on skype to discuss my options.

Michel: I think we may need to think about other options for us
Michel: i.e open a dog spa??
Liz: um....i don't know how to break this to you....but I'm not the crazy dog lover that you are
Michel: what?!?!?
Liz: we won't make any money because you'll be all loving on the dogs
Liz: not getting the grooming done
Michel: ewwee. no. I don't groom
Michel: I'm mangement
Liz: well....you're not so into being broke
Michel: damnitt liz. why must you crush my dreams like this?!
Liz: I was going to caveat it: you could be po, just not broke
Liz: I can totally see you in a housecoat fixin' tuna casserole
Liz: with those nasty house slippers
Michel: I DO love my slippers...
Michel: are there donuts?
Liz: Dooy!
Michel: Then I’m IN!
Liz: BUT, you're poor, so they have to be the kind from the 7 11
Michel: GASP
Michel: I'm not sure I like this dream
Liz: We should just go to work.

Shit. So now I have to find some non-scorpion infested shoes and go back to work.



Amanda said...

Even when I lived in Arizona I never checked my shoes for scorpions.

Smart Mouth Broad said...

We have scorpions here in Florida too. I don't think they live in our shoes, tho. Damn! Now I'm scared.

Anonymous said...

I am finally making it to your spot in Sudan. I am Amy. I just started up my blog again and The Pastor said I must come by and see you, pronto!

Now I know why. We need to be sending a foot spa bath thingy to you! I cannot believe that you are actually living in hell. No TV, Scorpions, Worms, your sick, etc. This is a problem.

The pastor didn't even send up a prayer request for you in church Sunday. I'm going to call a board meeting to find out what she was thinking.

Nice to meet you Michel. I will check in with you again soon. Amy

blognut said...

Eff that! I'm SO not moving to Sudan.

I think you should switch to wearing flip-flops 24x7 because no spiders with knives can hide in those things.

Travel & Dive Girl said...

I can't watch Hulu either and I live in Canada. It's a damn conspiracy.

lakeviewer said...

You're the only person I know who is funny even when sick. Sorry about that.

Anonymous said...

no worries- in the south you have to look under your covers before you get in bed just in case there are any mean spiders in there-

Comedy Goddess said...

That is awfully cruel of Hulu. I'm still Netflixing season one of Mad Men. I am way behind on my tv watching.

I cannot even begin to imagine living anywhere near scorpions. How do you sleep at night?

Brave brave open toe wearing smart girl.

Hit 40 said...

LMAO!! This is truly a conversation that two close friends would really have!!! Too funny. I am always pondering other jobs with friends. Or, what we will do WHEN we win the lottery.

Glad your up again!! The appendicitis comment had me a little worried for you. I like American hospitals.

Gaston Studio said...

What are you doing to me? Here I am tweaking my 100th post giveaway thingie and you've got me laughing my ass off and not paying ANY attention to what I'm doing! Shame!

Pastor Sharon said...

Michel, you'll just do about anything to make it all about you! Here you are, laying there sick with appendicitis, with the windows open so scorpions can crawl in and get in your shoes.

Whining about your lack of electronic toys and all I can think of is . . . . . oh now just wait a MINUTE!
Do I see that I have been called out in the comment section?
We are sending you what? And I didn't request prayer for you this past Sunday? Oh she didn't! We'll see who's standing in the need of prayer after this! mmm hummmm....

Pastor Sharon said...

A contrite spirit. . . yeah that's what I'm supposed to sound like. . . .

Michel, we are so sorry you have been sick. You have been placed on the prayer chain. We are praying that you don't get a plague of scorpions, locusts, or mosquitoes!

Jersey Girl said...

My ex-husband got bit by a scorpion in his shoe when we were in Costa Rica. He screamed bloody murder. I thought it was funny. (Notice, he's my EX-husband).

otin said...

You are like Forrest Gump with an attitude! LMAO!!!!!!!!

Mango Girl said...

I am so going to send you a "Velveeta Cookbook"

(found you via...well, lots of your followers!)


Beth said...

Liz is a dream killer. I'd totally like to run a doggie daycare one day. Is there actually any work involved in that?

Fragrant Liar said...

I'm so sorry you do not even have the diplomatic credentials for Hulu. I thought you were a higher up all this time. Now I find out you are a scorpion-toting, Little Debbie scarfing Forrest Gump with attitude. Thank you, Otin, for bringing that to light. If you hadn't been working on the Guinness World Record for smotable offenses, Pastor Sharon would probably not have needed any prodding to the Big Guy Up There, or BGUT, otherwise known as Buddha, right?

Wait, I'm going to go do some research.

Jack and Kernel said...

Next time you can not sleep ...

give us a call. We promise not to eat the cell phone.

Optimistic Pessimist said...

i think open toed are your best bet. Better to give the dirt worms a chance to escape rather than to trap them in your shoe with your foot.

Esmerelda said...

Dirt worms? Scorpions? my vicious ant problem isn't looking that bad right now.

Captain Dumbass said...

Sudan. It sounds like a dream vacation!

Medora said...

I am definitely not cut out to live over there - I don't have to go there to know that! Scorpions, ugh. My ex-husband was in Saudi Arabia during the Gulf War and said those things were everywhere - their sleeping bags, boots, backpacks. "You get used to them," he told me, nonchalantly. I think not.

kristine said...

i have scorpions in my house in belize. i dont like them at all. i am totally in the wrong carer as well. dog spa is an excellent idea.

kristine said...

I mean career, of course.