Saturday, August 15, 2009

Be Careful What You Wish For....

OMFG! Remember how I was all telling you guys how I was wishing for some sort African wasting disease so that I could lose weight and be all svelte, but then I was really pissed off because I seemed to be immune to it and how I was lamenting that I even though I might have dranken (drunken? drink-ed?) right out of the Nile and NOTHING happened again!? Remember that?

I'm here to tell you (just barely at this point, and am actively wishing for death right now to put me out of my misery) that I was WRONG. I DO NOT want this African wasting disease, food poisoning or Glass o'Nile Gripe....I was WRONG! I should have known better than to let Africa touch me! OMFG!!

I think I have determined the source of my problem: I ate the shrimp. Now I know, previously I went on and on about how for all intents and purposes, Khartoum is pretty much landlocked - no matter that the Nile runs right through it - and then I went to visit Port Sudan and even though I could see the sea, I was still wary of eating the sea food. (I'm a stickler for preservatives you guys! I fully contend that God made them for a reason.)

However, after being here for going on five months now (wow, you'd totally thinking my bitching would have abated by now, wouldn't you! Go figure), I thought to myself, MAYBE I was overreacting a tad. Although you might not have noticed, I do tend to lean toward the dramatic and at times I can maybe make a bigger deal out of stuff than is actually needed.

I believe Paul told me that when he was talking to another guy at the Embassy, he mentioned that I was going to freak out when I heard what he had to tell me and that he would have to peel me off of the ceiling. The guy responded, "the ceiling is her favorite place in the room."

I KNOW! RUDE!! RIGHT?!?! However, he's got a point. It kinda IS my favorite place. Drama makes all my stories better. I'm like TNT - I know drama.

Anyway, last night I went to a dinner party. As I have mentioned before, dinner in Sudan starts no earlier than 10 pm and this one didn't start till like 1130!! (WTF SUDAN!) And I forgot to get a snack before I left (no, Josh, i have no idea how that happened either). Anyway, so when they finally served the food and I was filling my plate with a bunch of unidentified objects, I saw that they had a large bowl of shrimp (already peeled, which is my red line. I do not rip the carcass off of food). I talked myself into it with a "It's only an hour flight from Port Sudan. What could possibly go wrong??"

I will tell you what went wrong. I spent the whole day laying on my bed curled into a ball because if I move a shooting pain goes through my stomach - and God Help You, if you try to drink anything because it just makes it soo much worse - even though you didn't think it could even BE any worse - you realize that the previous pain was just the starter pain.

Dear GOD!

I promise you here and now I will stop trying to drink the Nile and researching where to find a non-gross tape worm. I will exercise and I will remember that being all hurtey from exercise is not even remotely as hurtey as the hurteyness from allowing Africa to touch you.

Today I have learned yet another valuable lesson. I really think, however, a simple email would do the same -- you know, send me a note, "Michel, stop being an ass and so lazy. Just get on the treadmill and drink the bottled water. Don't make me smote you."

I promise, from now on, I totally believe you!! Please, please, please let the smoting end.

Humbly yours typing with two fingers because it hurts to sit up straight,

Michel

PS I kinda want my mommy right now. Would you please send her here. My tummy hurts.

PPS Don't tell her where you are sending her, she has this thing about flying. Just tell her it is a bus.

PPPS, I'm not saying you should LIE to her, but maybe just let her sleep through the thing. I don't want her all cranky and fired up when she gets her.

PPPPS Please also let me know when her plane arrives. She would also not be pleased trying to get through customs without assistance. Sudanese customs officials are really cranky. I'm just saying, I know my mommy, it would get ugly.

25 comments:

Optimistic Pessimist said...

There have been times when I thought you were being dramatic about god smoting you, but this time i think he really did smote you. Perhaps you should do a good deed (I know, I know...it's not easy) this month...just one and see if god stops the smoting. Can't hurt to give it a shot, right?

Optimistic Pessimist said...

FIRST!!! FIRST!!! FIRST!!!!

I was first....take that suckas!!!

Mrs. K said...

HOly shit- no pun intended...seafood food poisoning is the worst of all kinds. gatorade- you have gatorade there? whatever you do, do NOT drink pepsi

darsden said...

OH my can't believe you ate them either.. man.. you brave! Hope you feel better soon.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

For a sick girl, your sense of humor is mightily intact. Hope you feel better soon.

Jaime said...

feel better!

i remember when i went to cancun over spring break everyone got so sick from drinking the water...except me. what a lot of fun that trip was

tera said...

First off, I cannot believe OptiPessi suggested you do a "good deed". Obviously she does not know you at all.

Second: I cannot believe that "embassy guy" suggested you like the ceiling. Doesn't everyone over there read your blog? Do they not know about the holes and wires (and potentially creepy things) in your ceiling?? WTF? They should! I mean, come on, aren't you like a celebrity there?

Third: Shrimp? Really? What is wrong with you? I would think by now you would carry a backpack full of Little Debbie everywhere you go just for these types of situations. Obviously I do need to send you some. But maybe not until you're done with the smoting because that would be a waste, no?

tera said...

All kidding aside (no, really) I hope you're feeling better.
Food poisoning sucks.

Captain Dumbass said...

Good luck with your excruciating near-death stomach ailment. Hope it doesn't last long. At least not past your desired weight.

Pastor Sharon said...

Michel, Do you have appendicitis? OR is it really food poison. If you feel like that sharp pain starts at your belly button and begins at some point to go to your right side, you really need to "GO" but you can't. You might throw up but if you do, it will certainly kill you, and if you start running a fever quit playing around and GET YOUR BUTT TO THE HOSPITAL!!!! You do have a decent hospital right?

lakeviewer said...

Oh, you poor thing! You must be truly sick for wanting your mom around.

rxBambi said...

That sucks! I had some tummy trouble in Egypt. My guide thought some ginger tea would help. I guess technically it did "help". I got it all out of my system...
Lived to tell aboout it tho...

xxoo

Reddirt Woman said...

I've always thought it would be fun to travel but never had the money... Now I know that it is a good thing to not be able to go to some of the places I "thought" I'd like to go. Of all the things in the world I hate puking is right there at the top of the list.

OMFG I feel soooooooo bad for you.

Helen

Jason, as himself said...

Ohhh, no fun.

When I lived in Peru I had typhoid fever while it was 115 degrees with no air conditioning, and my only toilet wasn't actually a toilet, it was a hole in a pipe in the ground outside in the back yard with two bricks stacked on each side of it for cheeks to rest while you have your hershey squirts and a bunch of kids stand on their roofs looking down at you as you suffer the greatest agony you've ever experienced. Is it like that?

Get better soon.

otin said...

Food and drink from the land of the Nile
Will find a way to bring up the Bile! :)

I hope you feel better soon, I miss your happy posts!

Hit 40 said...

Pastor Sharon scared me!!! I figured the food poisoning would pass. Just annoying. But a good hospital??? I hope it was just the shrimp.

Pastor Sharon - Good to know about the appendicitis.

♥ Braja said...

Told you to go vegetarian. btw, who's that gorgeous woman you have as your ID pic? I'm laughing at Sharon: "decent hospital" in Khartoum.... oh and Michel's Bakery? It smells goooooood....but they claim to have never heard of you. Bastards.

Fragrant Liar said...

Did I not warn you about letting Africa touch you? Eating Sudanese shrimp and imbibing on the Nile will never get you anything but a good hard smote. And you will not even want a cigarette afterwards. And you won't be able to sing that song either: Smote, smote, smote that cigarette. See? The Chief Smoter has his insidious ways. I don't want to have to keep telling you the same things all over again, so pay attention this time.

Oh. I didn't tell you that stuff? I think I have a Get Out of Smoting Free card, if you need it. Unless I need it.

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Stike to Little Debbie's, Dear. But I guess you already know that....NOW! Hope you're feeling better soon. Geez, you're making a habooby sound like a picnic now.

Heidi said...

Okay, at least Pastor Sharon covered the appendicitis, I could have, being that I am a nurse, but didn't want to scare you.
I could also mention pancreatitis, cholelithiasis, cholecystitis, cryptosporidium, giardia, c-diff...
but I don't want to scare you, it's probably just gastroenteritis which is just food poisoning or a virus. Drink sips of clear liquids. Alcoholic beverages don't count.
Of course if you have any of the Pastors described symptoms-go to a hospital.
Feel better?

blognut said...

So I'm thinking that I'm all sorry for your suffering and such. 'Cause I'm a good friend like that.

I'm also wondering how I can put this to work for me, 'cause I'm a opportunist like that.

Could you send me the shrimp and a jug of water from the Nile. I will take vicodin to dull the pain, and I will lose 12 lbs in a week, right? I'm game. Really. Because I SO do not want to get on that evil treadmill.

Can you help me out?

mo.stoneskin said...

I am a seafood lover whose worst experiences in life have been caused by seafood. The terrible paradox. I won't tell you about the time I slurped through a bowl of mussels and...because it makes me shudder even now.

Gaston Studio said...

OMG, you asked for your mommy, so you must really be sick! Seafood, Michel? I, too, thought you knew better. Get well, girl!

Today am announcing a FUN giveaway thingie on my post which will begin next Monday... come visit and see what I'm talking about!

Medora said...

My mom had a tape worm when she was little. Nasty nasty nasty!

Esmerelda said...

The fact that you are still hilarious in the throes of Sudan shrimp food poisoning is proof positive that you are a genius. Take that, Africa.

[I'm afraid to say Take That, God because He might smote me next]