Thursday, August 13, 2009

Dear GSO,

I am in receipt of your refusal to purchase a Blackberry for my use in Khartoum and have made note of your recommendation that I continue to utilize the Nokia that came with the purchase of my cellphone service provider.

While I understand that as a USG contracting and purchasing officer you need to appear as if you are fiscally responsible. I would also like to note, however, that there may have been a few purchases you have made here in Khartoum that could have been avoided and, if rectified, you could probably find the $300 in the budget to purchase me a phone that doesn't require that I type a damn number three times in order to get the letter I want for my texts. AND, as I noted (in my 7 page essay I attached) on the procurement request form, I do not actually like to speak directly to people, therefore, I utilize the cell phone solely for texting purposes.

Well, except for last Tuesday when I had to call you at 0700 (you were not responding to my texts that began with EMERGENCY DAMNITT!) because there was no water in my house and I needed to go to work, but was on this new diet and exercise kick so I had "worked out" and therefore, my ability to shower was a NECESSITY. And, I do apologize that I was sarcastic to you on the phone when you called me back at 0945 to tell me that my water was "fixed" and I asked you what your definition of "fixed" was because mine meant that water would come out of the faucet - not just be located in the gereral vicitiny of my residence in Khartoum. However, I still contend that it is a health hazard when the contractors turn off the electricity to the water pumps and then forget to turn them back on so we are (unknowingly) drinking and showering with stagnant Nile water that eventually empties the tanks (and you know that Anna totally drank the last glass of Nile and there was likely some sort of amoeba in there that has been there since the residence was built in 1962). Further, although I understand that the Embassy Doctor told you that he was sure we would be "fine" in response to complaints about drinking stagnant water, I still contend that none of us has actually seen his medical credentials and he didn't appear to know what I was talking about when I was demanding Adderall.

I'm just saying, perhaps someone should look into this.

Anyway, as a money saving option perhaps you should look into a few things I have noticed just on the townhome compound here:

-- you installed an unsightly fence around our pool (that you then painted baby blue in an effort to try to blend in with water, but you should note that the water does not extend 6 feet into the air above the pool. You're not fooling anybody) in order to comply with regulations that all Embassy pools have a fence for the safety of the children. Please note there are no children here at post. You guys do not allow them.

-- you apparently pay local contractors to collect large piles of dirt and place them randomly around the housing compound - usually in the driveway so as to create an obstacle course for people trying to park unwieldy armored cars - and on the roof. How much money did you pay them for the three new large piles of dirt on my rooftop?

-- you allegedly pay top dollar to the contractor for "residential upgrades." I'm just saying, you might want to go over the definition of "upgrade" - Although I realize I have my own sense of decoration for my house - uncovered wires sticking out of the ceiling (with two light fixtures on either side of the wires) is not really to my liking. It must be more of a Sudanese decorating style.

Now that I have pointed out where you could potentially save MORE than the $300 I am requesting for a blackberry and/or other phone with a full keyboard, I would like to respectfully request that you take another look at my procurement request with attached needs survey essay. I am sure that you will find that my request is within the budget.

I appreciate your anticipated cooperation in this regard. And should my request be considered favorably, I promise not to call you ever again. (I will have Anna do so).

Best regards,
Michel

21 comments:

Captain Dumbass said...

Heh heh. Forget the GSO, we Canadians got tired of all your bacon jokes and aren't giving you any more Blackberry's until you apologize.

Amanda said...

I'm sure the roof dirt was totally necessary.

Optimistic Pessimist said...

I've had a full keyboard phone for well over a year, yet when you mentioned having to push one key three times to get the correct letter...a feeling of dread spread through my entore body. How do they expect you to live like that?

Pastor Sharon said...

If you didn't have that dirt on your roof, you would be complaining that you couldn't have that Beach resort look to escape to!

blognut said...

I'm laughing over here because I hardly ever actually TALK on my cell phone. I TEXT on it. I EMAIL on it. I SURF the internet on it.

Why on earth would I want to actually talk on it?

tera said...

Oh my gosh. I can't believe you haven't gone AWOL yet. I have a thing about wires and light fixtures and holes in the ceiling, so that would drive me batty. (You don't have anything living up in there do you? 'Cause I can just hear that phone call to GSO...)

tera said...

Sorry...I just realized the potential of my previous comment to freak you out, so, um, disregard. Just, um, close your eyes and picture Little Debbie's smiling face...:)

tera said...

I suppose now I actually owe you some Little Debbie, eh?

lakeviewer said...

Just pass the Little Debbies and everything will work out.

Elle said...

Funny that you mention this. I was just telling someone less than an hour ago how I would much rather text than actually talk. When you text, you can get right to the point and don't feel obligated to make small talk. You know, that whole 'Hi how are you? Blah, Blah,Blah'.

otin said...

Why do you need something with a whole keyboard? As long as you can write "WTF",that should about cover it! LOL!

rubbish said...

Can't believe he's holding back on a $300 phone for you? You're obviously not whingeing enough.

Joanna Jenkins said...

I'm a dinosaur. All I do with my cell phone is wonder what the ringing noise is because I forget my ringtone :-)
xo

McGillicutty said...

Hello... what took me so long to find you??? Love the blog and you don't need a blackberry... just get a Verizon Blitz...it's cheap and cool...all the teenagers have them and so do I..I'm not a teenager!!! I'll be back to read more of the diet exercise plan but I really want to hear more of the self medication cos I'm prone to that myself!

Comedy Goddess said...

My thumbs hurt vicariously for you.

darsden said...

didn't they just take the sand dune off the roof top last month? What did they do with that sand...what do they do with any sand on the rooftop..why truck it in...isn't the whole place sand?

Hit 40 said...

I would guess the sand is camoflage? I probably spelled that wrong. I am on the crappy new computer that doesn't highlight my spelling mistakes...

I don't know why but I feel like torturing you but.. For dinner, we went to bob evans again - pot roast sandwich, cheesy potato soup, coleslaw, fries, rolls, biscuits, and french silk pie!! I plan to roll back into my math classroom. We can do a math problem on my percent of weight increase for a 3 month summer break. What will my weight be if I continue on my bob evans diet???

Hit 40 said...

Do we need to smuggle you a real phone with our next shipment of adderall and little debbies??? Maybe you should just "lose" your phone?? I wonder what the replacement phone would look like.

Beth said...

Damnnit! I had a great, witty comment but then I noticed Eileen was doing MATH! Who solves word problems when they don't have to? Then again, it could be that the dirt piles are the result of someone not being able to solve a damn word problem.

Maybe we should have been paying attention in those math classes.

♥ Braja said...

Ha! Captain Dumbass has got you there, girl....enough bad bacon jokes. Wait.
Enough BACON, poor piggies....

♥ Braja said...

I saw a bakery called Michel's today and was disappointed I didn't have my camera on me....