Are You There God?? It's Me....Michel.....Again...

Yeah, ummm....Hi God.  Yeah...it's me again.  I just wanted to let you know that tonight is new Year's Eve (which, I'm thinking your probably already know because you kinda know a lotta stuff, right??)  Well...since you know stuff...you probably know that I cannot be trusted on New Year's Eve.  I realize that there have been a number of instances where I had some bright ideas....

Remember how for the last few years Minoy and I would make the resolution to start smoking??   Then we got sick from smoking and our hair stunk so bad that I couldn't even sleep on the floor of the bathroom with my best friends, toilet brush and rug......so then last year we decided we'd start smoking clove cigarettes because those smell good....but then they DON'T actually smell good - so we had to drop that too...  So the lesson we learned from that was that Smoking is NOT a good hobby to start on New Year's Eve. 

Now, I know that I was all put out there for a bit that nobody ever warned me about the dangers of smoking, if only someone had put up some sort of a sign or warning or something.  I don't blame you though God, I blame Society (and by Society, I mean Canada).

ANYWAY, this year, I thought it might be useful if I could potentially head off  the impending smoting and/or visit by the Angel of bedspins and vomit, or (worse yet) the angel of Hangovers and Headaches.  THIS YEAR, I was wondering if it would be possible to say sorry in advance -- maybe get some credit, if you will....for what I will undoubtedly pull this evening.

Now I know you're probably wondering how on earth I will manage to get into trouble in a dry country....

I found booze God....I found it. 

Weren't You the one who told us to "seek and ye shall find"??? Or, was that mapquest? I forget...either way, God...

What I can guarantee is that I WILL be sorry God.  (I always am.)  What say you, this year let's just skip the whole 01 January 2010 Smoting - cut out the middle man, if you will....I

If you agree God, I totally promise to tell everyone if 2010 is good or bad -- passing on the message so that Other's know...I'm a whole 8 hours ahead (11 ahead of my mommy, you know...that can really be helpful to them...) It's almost like I'm a Saint, right??

Okay, I'll accept simply not praying for death tomorrow morning.  Be a lamb, won't you?? Hear my prayer!!

Best Wishes to you in 2010...I'm a BIG FAN of your work....

Michel

Reflections on 2009

Well, today marks the 1 year anniversary of my foray in the blog-world.  Why I remember (back in the day) when I had fours of followers and was excited when a 9th person showed up (Jane at Gaston Studios) and she actually commented on my blogs.  It was at that moment  that I realized that I had an audience who might actually LISTEN to what I was saying -- as opposed to my hubby who apprarently has learned to tune me out and hears Blah, blah, Blaaah, Blah blah blah, and responds to every statement with "yes dear"..or "that's interesting Dear." when what REALLY would have been applicable would have been, "Oooh! I'm soo sorry Dear.  I didn't realize that happened.  No really, it's my fault.  You're a saint.  I was wrong"  Or, I would even accept a "I'm sure it's Canada's fault.  Those bastards!"  Eventually, he'll learn. 

Don't be fooled you guys.  Haven't you ever wondered why Canadians are always SOOO quiet?? Why you never really hear about them?? It's because they're just waiting until we're not paying attention -- trying to lure us to look the other way with their fake bacon -- then, they're going to try to switch countries on us when we're not looking.  We'll all just wake up and be REALLY COLD and call everyone "hosers."   Oh, they'll do it. Mark my words: Canada would kill you if they could. 

So naturally, I decided to take a moment and look inward and reflect on all that I have accomplished over this past year and to try to determine how to be a better person in 2010.  

OMG! I couldn't even type that without bursting out laughing.  I didn't accomplish SHIT in 2009.  I think that has been documented -- time and time again. 

However, I thought it might be useful if I listed (briefly) what I did and did not accomplish this year:

*  I did not lose 25-72 lbs.  No matter how many times I drank full 8 oz glasses of Blue and/or White Nile water - not even filtering out the floatey stuff -- NADA!  Obviously, I am immune to any type of wasting disease - or, frankly, any other disease that would facilitate weight loss.   And along with this bullet, I did not "Eat Less, Move More" as my hubby likes to tell me.  (I think I might have gotten it backwards)...either way.  Africa and it's stupid diseases and starvation is dead to me.   That shit don't work.

* Almost immediately upon arrival I caught Poop Ear.  This is the inspiration for me to obtain my WebMD License to practice web-based medicine.  (I've since specialized in internal WebMD, and Jason (in our office, who does NOT currently have a blog, but who SHOULD) is our external webdoc).  (Post: Stink Eye)

*  Not long after I became a WebMD certified physician, I found my first skin cancer and wrote about it.  It's a very exciting story.  I was riveted.  Two thumbs up.  (Post: Hypochondria)

* I became a Travel Guide for Sudan's Tourism Industry - I even attached PHOTOS...although they haven't actually called me back yet.  Do you think 10 mos is too long to wait?? (EasterIII - Revenge of the Pyramids)

* I met my first Sudanese Bathroom.  (In all seriousness, I read this one again and I am STILL LAUGHING over this one (Josh is humiliated).  The only thing I can tell you is that I WISH this one was made up - it's totally not.  I have since been back to the house - and they have since changed the toilet and removed the sea shell.  (I am not sure if it was because of me...probably not. I mean, seriously...right??)  (Post: Well, I am Going to Have to Move...)

And then I insulted Jesus (in my last post).

SOOOO...that just about wraps up 2009 AND also my year of blogging.  I'm sure there were more - and I would like to tell you that I have been working really hard and have been trying to make myself a better person these last few days - however, in reality, I (a) have been trying to con anyone with access to booze into inviting me to their New Year's Eve Party; and (b) discovered facebook...and that shit is addicting. 

Let's just hope 2010 is a better year.  That I manage to accomplish a LOT more, and that I finally get that Adderall that I have been bitching about not having for the entire year of blog posts. 

What the hell, why not?!?!?  I'll just resolve to go the gym everyday.  I'll start a countdown....

(I give it 3 days.  Any bets?)

Mom, Don't Read this Post...You Either Pastor Sharon....Or, Why Liz and I are Probably Not Going to Heaven Anytime Soon...

So today I was back at work after the "long" holiday weekend that included a series of unfortunate events (me working on Christmas Eve), an event that I previously thought would signal the apocalypse (I finally met a cupcake I didn't like), a Christmas Miracle (I actually ate so much pie that I don't actually want anymore...ever) and I managed to piss Jesus off....all in one long weekend.  Impressed?? I know!!  So was I!!!

How did I piss of Jesus you ask? Well, a myriad of reasons really....turns out, Jesus does not consider a "Beer Pong Tournament" a suitable celebration venue for the birth of our lord and Savior.  In reality, Jesus pretty much called me a drunken smelly pirate ho and then smoted me about 15 minutes after everyone left Jesus' Birthday Beer Pong Festival at my house.   To punish me, he visited the Angel of Bed Spins and Vomit  upon me...and that guy didn't leave until like 5 pm the next day.  Jesus REALLY does not care for Birthday Beer Pong. 

Seriously you guys, write that down.

So I'm telling Liz all about how I pissed Jesus off and she was telling me all about how her family managed to create a scene at midnight mass.  So apparently (and nobody tell Dan this, I don't think Liz was supposed to tell me...) the preacher at the mass was from Boston.  So he's all preaching about how cool God is and all, and her family was paying very close attention for literally 12s of minutes, but then apparently the Preacher said, "Dah-kness" and a few other words that started them to roll around the pews laughing (everything is waaay more funny in church, frankly).

And then after they got the stink eye from the rest of the congregation who are just a little bit more mature and had apparently a little bit less sugar before Mass, Dan got into a tug of war with the lady holding the blood of Christ.  In Italy, they don't let you use your hands on Christ's stuff. 

Which then prompted a discussion that will likely end with both of us headed south (or back to Khartoum) for the afterlife. 

•  I pointed out how for the longest time I thought the Priest was saying the "Bread of Christ" - -  which, in my defense, it WAS bread. (I was like eight, I really didn't get the whole transubstantiation thing) -- and then the whole Blood of Christ kinda freaked me out because you gotta admit that sounds pretty gross to actually drink (PLUS, I've always thought drinking out of the same cup along with 50 other people is unsanitary.  I'm not sure the Church actually offers an actual Sanitizer of Christ on that napkin they wipe the cup with after that one drooley guy who sat beside you takes a drink.
  

• I also don't like it when they don't let you use your hands to take the communion.  I'm really worried that I'm going to choke on it because I'll get all nervous I am gonna drop it, then inhale it into my lungs.  I mean if you think about it, what the heck would everyone at mass think if you started to choke on the Communion.  I know what I would think...I would think you were Satan and that this was the start of some scary effin horror movie.  I don't want to go through that man! Just lemme take it first, and then I'll place it squarely in my mouth...for safety reasons.....
  
  
• Liz wondered if during the last supper Jesus had to make extra Bread to pass around for the Body of Christ like he had to do on that hillside when he fed all those people from the fish and bread.  Naturally, I then worried that they might have only gotten the little communion sized piece of bread - so I would have felt all robbed during the last supper, and probably resented Peter who likely got a bigger piece of bread than I would have gotten because he's waaay holier than I am....
  
  
• Did Jesus actually eat dinner too?  What did he order? Is there a Leg of Lamb of Christ too??  Should we have that on Easter?? Is this in the Bible?? I really should have paid closer attention in CCD.  If I were Jesus (and I think we can safely assume I am not after THIS post) I would have ordered a Macaroni and Cheese of Christ and probably an  Apple Pie and Chocolate Cake of Christ as well.  -- I have recently put a lot of thought (as has Liz, frankly) as to what we would order for our last supper.  I'm not sure I would be able to decide.  I would, however, probably eat so much my tummy hurt though...because what's the point? I'd also probably try to make it linger for about 3 more days...I'd just keep ordering stuff....
  

Anyway, if I have offended any of your catholic sensibilities, I do apologize.  If it makes you feel any better, my  mother and father are probably changing their phone number and email addresses as you read this....right after  they send me a very strongly worded email to voice their disgust for me.  However, these are theological questions that should probably be answered (but not in the comment section)!

God smoted me enough for ruining his birthday.  I truly think this one will likely be a freebie!!!

True(ish) Confessions

As you likely already know, it is the Christmas Holiday Season.  Some of you (or me) might call it the Christmas Cookie and Candy  Season.  I gotta admit - I totally HEART Christmas Cookie and Candy Season.  However, (apparently) Christmas Cookie and Candy Season does not heart me. 

Take yesterday for instance.  Yesterday at work people brought in their Christmas cookies.  Because I'm such a kind and giving person, I "tasted" the Christmas gifts (I mean, it would be totally RUDE not to do so) - but in the interest of full disclosure, I did NOT taste the Christmas FRUIT CAKE brought to us by our "friends" (and, after they gave us effin fruit cake, I use the term loosely) the British. 

Frankly, the Brits have now fallen in my esteem - NOBODY likes that shit man! Don't try to fob that crap off on us - so that they are just above Canada *gasp*...  AND, I'm not really sure what on earth the UK could do to repair the damage that was done with that fruitcake...even your "christmas glaze" that you tried to pour on top of it could not hide the neon "fruit" neslted inside it.  That SHIT IS JUST NASTY!

Don't ever do that again! Make no mistake...We'll go to war with you again (or, maybe just I will..but I bet I could talk my friend Liz into joining me).  We don't negotiate with terrorists that give fruitcake.

SO ANYWAY, let's just say I had more than 4 cookies yesterday (and when I say "4", I mean probably more like "72"...WHAT!? it's RUDE not to eat Christmas Cookies! Jebus would want us to have them!!!) So today, I VOWED that I would NOT eat 72 christmas cookies. 

I avoided the kitchen/breakroom. 

I avoided the snack-table at lunch.

I brought one of the 100 calorie "grasshopper" cookies courtesy of the Keebler Elves. ... EXCUSE ME...when did the Keebler Elves start making Button sized (or elves sized) cookies and then claiming they're good enough to stop the christmas cookies (well, technically, I guess they didn't CLAIM that, but I totally thought they did..that counts too).   SO WTF KEEBLER!?  7 small buttons of crunchy stuff with a "hint" of cookie is not acceptable. 

RIGHT BITES MY ASS!  EFF YOU, KEEBLER!


That shit should have to have a warning posted on the side:  WARNING:  Attempted consumption of this produce will cause unspeakable outrage and uncontrollable anger.  Just skip it.  You're better off eating a real damn cookie.

========================================

Dear Keebler Elves,

I am in receipt of your Right Bites, 100 Calorie pack of Grasshopper Cookies.  I would like to advise you that when people choose a "100 Calorie Pack" they want you to make the calories fit the cookies, not the cookies fit the calories. 

I hope your tree catches on fire and you all burn in a fiery ball of flame -- and your 7 button-sized hint of cookie flavor cookies too!!!

Wishing you and yours the merriest of Chistmas and Happy Holidays,

Michel

--------------------------------------------------

Dear Santa,

Please bring me a box of Adderall.  I have been such a good person this year that I ate waay too many cookies and now my pants don't fit (and it's not even Christmas yet).  I don't think it is fair that I should be punished for being kind to my fellow man.  Also, remember when I made Rice Krispy Treats for the local guards and then wanted to take them back because I remembered how much I loved Rice Krispy Treats and that marshmallows had to be imported into Sudan, but then I DIDN'T TAKE THEM BACK (because they already saw me coming)?!? 

That should totally count for something.  Please make it the strongest Adderall you can find.  We've got a LOT of work to do!

Best Wishes this Holiday Season,

Michel

PS Don't hire any of those Keebler Elves.  I'm not sure if you are aware or not, but they do really crappy work.  I question their upbringing.  Your elves would NEVER put out such a crappy product!

A Merry Eff-U Christmas.....

It has come to my attention that there is ton of snow in WDC and that they are predicting that the USG will close tomorrow for a Snow Day  (God's gift to good little federal employees) for the Washington Metropolitan Area.  Naturally, when I heard the words Snow Day uttered, I rushed to the window to see the "snow" that God sent the USG for a Merry Christmas....It was a Christmas Miracle!!!

Then, I noticed that there was no snow  here, because I was not in the WDC metropolitan area. 

So basically, we now have confirmation that God officially hates me. If I recall correctly (and I usually do not recall correctly, fyi), when I lived in DC, if it ever DID snow, it would snow on a Friday night, making sure to melt by Sunday evening so that I would always make it to work on time on Monday.  WTF!?  HATEFUL!

Damnitt!  Once again someone else is the recipient of something cool that I do not get.  So now, I sit here judging those who get the snow day.  YOU BETTER TREASURE YOUR CHRISTMAS MIRACLE YOU LUCKY USG-BASTARDS!

For a minute there I, too, thought that I was going to have a Christmas Miracle...how? you ask??  Let me tell you:  President Bashir declared 23-24 December as a National Holiday for Christmas in Sudan  (I was all set to get out my "I heart Bashir" t-shirt in honor of the occasion!!) ...However, because the Embassy obviously hates Jesus, they told us that we can take stupid "liberal leave" on the 23rd....excuse me...LIBERAL LEAVE!?  I'm not using my paid leave in Khartoum!  Eff that! 

Once again, I was robbed....so I will get up tomorrow morning, get dressed and walk out into the heat and dirt...(fyi, dirt does NOT make a good snowman...it will, however, make a nice dirt pile that you can name "Dirty the Dustman" though...however, it's kinda *akward* to place a top hat on his head and wait for him to dance around...the local guards don't know what the hell you're doing) and then GO TO STUPID WORK.  (sniff) (sniff) (SNORT!)  while you guys  (oh yes, you heard me....I said it...I'll say it again!! YOU PEOPLE!!!) snuggle up in your beds, drink your hot cocoa and probably finish up your stupid Christmas shopping.  (I hate YOU PEOPLE so much right now... )

Merry Eff-U Christmas YOU PEOPLE!! 

Dear US Embassy Doctor,

I am writing this letter to inform you that I have decided to seek other medical care for my "medical issues" (both imagined and real) that I have and/or will encounter in Sudan.  Although I sincerely appreciate your medical advice such as when you recently commented, "Why the hell would you put Neosporin on a burn for more than three days?!  Everyone knows that after three days Neosporin will adversely effect healing of burns!" I really feel that I must point out that, No, not everybody DOES know that. I assume only medical professionals (and maybe my internet pharmacist) would know this.

I feel like it is my civic duty to inform you that most people at post (and when I say "most people," I mean me specifically) rely on YOU to tell them if there is some sort of side effect for a drug or cream.  For example, when I first burned myself and you told me to make sure I cleaned it and put some Neosporin on it, perhaps then would have been a good time to bring up the "but not for more than three days or you will create a skin reaction that will result in hideous scarring and prevent healing."  

I'm just saying...perhaps then would have been a better time than when you pointed it out circa 7 days after I burned myself and had been continuing to put Neosporin on it because (a) I had some; and (b) I saw a commercial that made a scar disappear on some kids' finger back in the day when I had TV.  Clearly, that would help my burn...on my finger!! Obviously, Neosporin is intended for finger healing.  The commercial told me.

Also, I did not appreciate it when you refused to even consider a Medevac back to the States for my debilitating injury, because you "assumed" that Washington would consider that a frivolous request.  Further, you then laughed when I noted that any medevac for myself back to the States would clearly need to be authorized business class -- in case someone bumped my finger!! -- I'm just saying that I think that you might need to work on your bedside (aka pretending to care) manner.

Further, as I am currently an internet certified physician (I mean, my cards don't say US Embassy, Michel, WebMD for nothing man), I'm not really looking for someone to just tell me what you think I have.  I'm very qualified in the use of my medical reference tool "Symptom Checker" and believe I can diagnose my own illnesses - frankly, with a more cool sounding result than your, "that's a burn" diagnosis.  What I am looking for, is someone who is more Prescribey, and less talkey.  

I think you can see that because of my ability to self-diagnose, if I do drag my lazy ass into the health unit, I'm going to need some kind of prescription drug in order to make myself feel as if I have been to a medical professional.  Otherwise, I could just go online and tell myself what to do.   I do hope you understand my decision.  It's nothing personal.  You just suck.

Wishing you and yours a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year,

Michel, WebMD

The One Where I Demand Your Sympathy.....

Okay, so remember when I tried to explain how we should have paid closer attention in our 6th grade science class? Remember when I briefly mentioned that I was hideously burned by a combination of water and steam that was trying to escape a trendy tupperware bottle normally destined for the gym?? (SEE?! Even water and steam doesn't want to go to the damn gym...I'm not alone in this....)

Well, I kinda feel like I did not receive the appropriate amount of sympathy from my readers.  (And when I say "readers" I mean my mommy and my daddy. . I heard nothing from them!  I should have at least have received an "OMG! Are you okay?!?  Does it hurt you? (yes, yes it does.)  Please protect yourself from infection...(even though we all know it is unpossible to protect yourself from infection here because Africa is gonna touch you).")  AND, to further exacerbate my ire, I did not receive one EVEN ONE email from my internet pharmacist offering me some kind of pharmaceutical sample pack to ease my pain. 

NOT. EVEN. ONE. 

Therefore, you're all going to pay.  How you ask?? ... I'll tell you... .I'm attaching a PHOTO of my hideous burn that is all hurtey and making me not-so typey these days (and, for the record, THIS is why my work is shoddy...)

I KNOW!! How hurtey (and frankly, yucky) is that?!  Obviously, I need some kind of pharmaceutical intervention.  Africa has clearly touched it.  It's not only hurtey, it's unsightly.  And, on my right hand...therefore, I'm not so writey these days either.

Well, now that I feel that I have the approrpriate level of sympathy from you guys (and my mom feels really, REALLY bad for not asking how I am doing...whether I am getting on okay with my debilitating injury....I thought I should show you some of the good news stories from Khartoum.

Well, I only have one....here is our Christmas tree......  In all it's glory.  And no, I will not be arrested, killed or have my house burned for having a Christmas tree.  It's all good in the hood.

This week, I will make it my goal to document the (not right) Christmas Lights, decorations and dancing Santa's posted around Khartoum.  If nothing else, it will show you the true meaning of how American Christmases are soooo much better than foreign ones.  -- Even you Canada...don't think we don't know what you're up to...we've intercepted your slanderous (or is it libel, I can NEVER effing remember) letters to Santa.  As such, I've went ahead and added you to the Axis of Evil -- we had an opening when Iraq left....Congrats!

A Khartoum Christmas Party

So tonight I'm going to a Christmas Party.  Yes, you heard me, a CHRISTMAS party.  So I'm all excited, right?  Because SHIT! I totally heart Christmas parties.  There are cookies, and booze and all kinds of snacky-snacks...

Then I remembered....I'm in Khartoum.

Now I'm all nervous to go, and will likely entitle my next post, "12 December, 9:14 pm....The date/time Christmas was OFFICIALLY RUINED."   Seriously, if you stop and think about it for just a minute, you'll totally understand my angst: 

Khartoum is not known for it's cookies, cakes and pies.  They're known for having FOREIGN cookies, cakes and pies, AND, I'm not really sure they know what "cake" means...I've seen some shit they had put out a tag that said "cake" in front of, and....well....I'm not sure what it was...but what I am sure of, is that it was NOT cake.  (trust me, I fall for it Every Time.); and

Khartoum is dry.  Granted, some people can get alcohol...it's like back in the day when i was a teen in Montana (which was technically a "dry" country when you're under 21), I totally managed to find and acquire booze. 

(WHAT!?  No mom...that was just joking. I did NOT.  That would be wrong.  Where do you come up with these things?!)

SOO, you can see why I am having a dilemma here.   PLUS, the invitation said "Formal Attire Required."

WTF does that mean in Sudan?? Do they mean a formal wrap-around blanket-thing with sparkles attached??  Or do they mean formal attire, like we mean formal attire... I NEED MORE CLARIFICATION!!! 

And, I need formal attire.  

I didn't actually pack any formal dresses.  I didn't think I would need them.  The best I can do is a dress...and lame, half-assed dress more suited for summer and the office. 

So now, not only am I likely going to be pissed that they are serving stupid fruit juice and those arab "sweets" that pretty much amount to some kinda mini-wheat type of material soaked in honey and sprinkled with pistachios....I'm going to look like a monster and might get kicked out for not wearing a sparkley blanket with matching scarf.

Nevermind.  I don't need a next post: 12 December 2009, 10:13 am.  The date/time Christmas was officially RUINED in Khartoum.

Dear China,

I am in receipt of your comments on my post(one might  call it a BRILLIANT, witty, and yet, insightful post) entitled Government Backed Conspiracy Theories.  However, as you have now commented approximately 25 times, over the course of 25 days, I feel honor bound to inform you of the following:

Your links to Chinese Porn is wasted on me.  I don't understand it..and am too lazy to go back, and potentially learn other things that would require that I actually acknowledge what I wrote previously, and take responsibility for the shit I posted.

That is probably not going to happen.  I'm just guessing, but am almost 227% positive that I ain't gonna learn a valuable lesson.

I don't mean to be rude to your "economonic hegemony" and stuff, but I am not really interested in learning new "issues" or "acquiring evidence" that would potentially illuminate the "realy story". 

Write this down China: too lazy.

Best Regards,

Michel

PS I don't recall ever asking for your opinion on our foreign policy.  We honk. I get it.  This is now a new premise that would shock me.   (Frankly that would shock me, is that I would actually care -- about anything....)

ERGO, stop leaving comments on my blog.  Nobody remembers that blog!! I think that, "max" 20 people actually read  my post.  Chances are...nobody you care about, or read it.  When I say that nobody really likes me here -- I'm serious.  They think I"m 'not serious" and that I have a marked tendency to buy into group think.  Consider that carefully.  


Well!?!? WHO WOULDN'T!?!? 

I'm all for jumping on the bandwagon.  Please, let's just ensure that said bandwagon has an acceptable  business class section.

Let's be realistic.  Once again, I don't fly coach.

The Joy of Christmas in Khartoum....Or, Why You Should Feel Sorry for Me and Send Me Cash to Make Me Feel Better

So you know how I'm in Sudan, right?? I just thought I should take a moment and remind you all (and when I say "you all" I mean "my mommy and Daddy" who will soon be shipping me my Christmas Care Package) that I am IN SUDAN .  Ergo, you should feel sorry for me. 

Why, you ask??

Because I'm IN SUDAN...jackass!  It's Christmas...and I do not have access to Malls or ABC's 25 Days of Christmas or FaLaLaLa Lifetime Christmas movies.  That alone is an unspeakable outrage and likely prohibited by the Geneva Convention -- although to be fair, I haven't actually read the entire Geneva Convention (because it was really long and frankly kinda boring...but I DID read the part that said GENEVA CONVENTION...but then I got bored and deleted the email that linked me to it), so I can't really say for SURE that it is technically IN there, but I imagine it is, because it's obviously a travesty. 

However, because I'm a kind, and caring - some might even say "saintly" - person, I will tell you WHY you should sympathize with me this holiday season...

(1) There is no Caro White Corn Syrup (a christmas staple) available in Khartoum.  I'm sure they have some sort of equivalent, but I can't speak Arabic, am too lazy to actually ask someone how to say that in Arabic, and prefer to simply complain about the issue.

(2) The Mail Fairy Refuses to ship glass or liquids to me in Khartoum.  Therefore, even if my BFF Netgrocer, or Amazon.com had Caro White Corn Syrup available, the Mail Fairy would send it back.  (Speaking of which, the Mail Fairy is a bitch!  Yesterday, the fairy came and delivered my presents - or "boxes" as they like to call them - in my car...and I was all excited (as naturally I would be) and then I looked at the name of the sender...VITAMINLAND.  WTF MAIL FAIRY!?!? That's not cool!  Nobody wants that shit!  Healthy shit is dumb, and should not be allowed to clog up the mail!!  Before you even ask...Yes.  Josh is totally to blame for that.  He has been counseled.)

(3)  Without Caro White Corn Syrup, Christmas Candy and Pecan Pie Cannot Exist.  I don't even need to expand on this one.  I think you all can see the inherent grief #3 brings me.

(4)  It is Difficult to Sustain the Christmas Spirit When You Leave the Tree.  In keeping with my tradition of Creating Christmas Hell in my house, I forced Josh to put up the Christmas decorations (which I totally shipped in our household effects, but managed to forget to ship the salad spinner and vegetable steamer.  Josh still thinks that was an accident.  Fool!)  immediately upon our return from Rome.  However, it's just not the same when you walk out the door to find heat and sand.  Obviously, we'll be having a Brown Christmas without you guys....

(5) intentionally left blank. 

I do, however, have to give Sudan some credit....some families have put up some lights and there are trees up in various places around town.  I totally didn't see that coming.  Also, there is some kinda scarey Santa that dances in front of the kid's toy store here.  However, it's one of those foreign Santas, that look nothing like the real  Santa, but more like a fat, creepy old man dancing for little kids. 

I'm kinda just disturbed by that.  However, I refuse to be disturbed alone.  Therefore, in keeping with my other new tradition of bringing you guys down with me.  I will try to get a picture of the creepy dancing Santa and will post him here.

SOOOO, since you're all probably feeling really, really sorry for  me now, please refer to my last post (skip the Satan part though, that will probably freak you out) to find my Christmas Wish List attached.

I also accept all major credit cards. 

It's SOOO Brilliant, It Just Might Work!!!!

So I was reading blogs this evening -- and then was subsequently distracted when Josh called me downstairs to watch a "movie"...and when I say "movie," I mean hideous monstrosity called Paranormal Activity that will essentially preclude me from EVER SLEEPING AGAIN..... because it simply confirms what I always knew:   boys will eff with shit until demons come and kill you all.  Just as I suspected!!!   I totally knew it!!! 

OMFG! I'm seriously, SERIOUSLY, never going to sleep again.  WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!?  AND WHY THE HELL DID I WATCH THAT!?!?

Yes, mother! I KNOW! You DID tell me not to watch that shit, that it would only freak me out and I would end up flying back to Washington and sleeping with my parents - but damnitt! You KNOW that only makes me want to see that shit more, right!?!? 

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is...Josh and my mommy are to blame for my current Sleepless in Khartoum state.....

HATEFUL!!!

Anyway, back to my point - before I was rudely interrupted by Satan -- I was trying to catch up on my hobby (blog reading) and I read Jason's blog (if you haven't read it, you totally should.  He's the heeby!  Fo Shizzle!)  and he had a BRILLIANT idea...post your Christmas List...so that you're SURE to get what you want....

SOOO....after that, I totally have to do the same;  here it goes. Please get out your pens and pencils so that you can take notes.  Your shopping list will be succinct and will ultimately save you time at those crowded malls (my goodness! I'm such a good person!! I'm like a Christmas Miracle!!!)

READY!?!?!

Dear Santa,

I just wanted to send you a quick note to let you know that I have been thinking about all you do for the good little boys and girls - how you load that sleigh and then get in your winter garb (I know how binding layered clothing can be when you're on the other side of chubby...my goodness, I could write a book...but I digress) and round up all the reindeer...

That's a lotta work.

Therefore, as a fellow lazy American (you ARE American, right??  It's okay that you skip Canada.  They know what they did), I just wanted to tell you that this year, I want to take some of the burdeon off of you.  Let you put your feet up.....sit by the fire with Mrs. Claus...Maybe watch a movie -- Oh, FYI -  don't watch Paranormal Activity!  That shit is messed up.  You should cross everyone responsible for that movie off your list.  They are clearly bad people. -- anyway, get some hot cocoa and take a rest this year. 

Please just EFT the cash amount of my gifts to my bank account of record.  They're expecting a "hefty" transfer.... Haha! (or should I say, hohoho??? How cute is that pun SANTA!?  Doesn't it just make you want to add a zero to the end of that transfer!?!)

You are soooo welcome. 

Love Always,

Your Biggest Fan who is NOT from Canada....

Michel

PS I'm not sure if you noticed or not, but Josh is a very very bad man this year.  Tell him to knock the Satan Shit off or you'll cross him off next year's list.  That shit's not funny!! 

================================================

Dear God,

Josh is a Blasphemer.    When you judge everyone, please don't consider us a tandem couple. I had nothing to do with it.

Your Humble Servant Who Does NOT Mock Satan and Potentially Piss You Off,

Michel

PS I am very sorry I watched that movie.  I will never do it again!! I even wrote it down as valuable lesson number 864.  As such, please tell Josh to stop scaring me.  That shit's sooo not funny. 

Some Little-Known, Hidden Dangers of Going on Vacation

If you're like me -- and I can only assume you are because I tend to view the world from my limited optic and assume that it revolves around me and my issues (because they're clearly more interesting than listening to other people's stories about stuff that has nothing to do with me or my friends) -- then you probably would appreciate knowing some things that you should consider if you ever intend to take a surprise (to you) vacation in the near future.

Turns out, if you leave your trendy tupperware water bottle on your desk, half-filled with some flavor of Crystal Light (and I am unsure which flavors may have a stronger or weaker effect) sitting stagnant in it for a period of not less than 12 days straight, in temperatures of upwards of 100 degrees farenheit, said trendy tupperware water bottle may - repeat may - develop what medical doctors would call a mold-like substance on the inner section of said trendy tupperware water bottle.

Now, if the above did not shock and awe you, what you may not actually know is that it is possible that you might have needed to pay attention during your 6th grade science class.

I KNOW, RIGHT!?  Totally shocking and somewhat of a sensational statement!  However, it's true.  And I now have definitive proof. 

How you ask?? Well, let me tell you:  So remember when I told you about the trendy tupperware water bottle?  (If not, you really need to work on your reading retention/comprehension skills)   Well, I actually encountered this situation upon my return.  I also encountered too tight pants after a week of being fiscally responsible and ordering the less expensive pasta and wine combination for each meal.  Therefore, I decided to go the the gym (bad plan, FYI.  I cannot recommend it).  As such, I was forced to wash out that trendy tupperware water bottle so that I could refill it with a new flavor of Chrystal Light.  (I don't do plain "water," much like how I don't fly Coach. . .  We all have our crosses to bear.)

So I get to the gym and go to take a drink, and realize that the black substance I thought was Crystal Light residue, is in fact mold.  So now I'm back in Africa, I'm in a gym, pretending to work out on a treadmill, and I'm drinking mold.  (Will advise if this is my new-fangled weight loss plan.  I suspect it has potential).

So after I finish my mold and leave the gym to go home, I start thinking to myself that perhaps, it is not healthy to drink mold...that perhaps I should again try to wash out that yuckiness.  Unfortunately, there is no such thing as a dishwasher in Khartoum.  So using my keen intellect, I decide that I will boil water and sterilize the trendy tupperware water bottle.

So I wait until the water is boiling and then fill the trendy tupperware water bottle about half-way, seal the top, and shake vigorously. . .

Remember that really, really boring lecture in your 6th grade science class where the teacher blabbed on and on about the power of steam and how it can move trains?  No? Me neither.  

Turns out, it was important.  However, I contend that nobody could have known that Science, much like math would ever be useful and/or applicable in your life.  It was unknowable.  Someone really should have said something.


Dear Mrs. Dean:

Perhaps -  rather than talking about a stupid train that nobody likes but creepy train freaks -  if you had pointed out that steam has the potential to blow off the top of a trendy tupperware water bottle, spewing molten hot water all over your hands when you attempt to shake it, thereby covering your hand in 3rd degree burns - I might have paid attention in Science. 

Think about it.

Best regards,

Blistered in Khartoum

Warning

Creepy as hell photos attached (as promised)....now you see dead people....

This is kinda hard to see, but there are creepy dead people all over the walls and stuff....and 72 signs not to take pictures.  They really should have said something if they didn't want us to take pics and then post them on the blog.  I can't be expected to read everything you know....

   How effin scary is this guy?? WTF!?

These are some of scary guy's friends.  Joe, Bill and Jimmy's Brother....

There you have it!  I'm likely going to go to hell for posting those, but I figure I'll know a lotta you freaks there, so it might not be all bad.

I shit you not!!! I SAW DEAD PEOPLE!!!!

Now that I totally have your attention...I would like to point out (a) I'm home; and (b) why the hell didn't anyone do anything while I was gone!?!?  WTF people!? Now I'm having to work MORE after I took a break because I was exhausted from working!!!

(and as a total aside, WHO THE HELL IS LEAVING COMMENTS IN CHINESE?!? And WHY the hell are people leaving stupid links as comments.  For the record: that is LAME!  I totally hate you, whoever you are.  You are officially dead to me.  Loser)

Okay, I'm better now.

SO, we went to Italy right?! Remember how I wasn't prepared?  Well, I really wasn't prepared.  at. all.  Wanna hear about it?  here it goes:

So Embassy told us the driver was coming to pick us up at 0100 because (as you may recall) Egypt and Algeria decided to hold their playoff match for the world cup (soccer) here in Khartoum the day I was leaving.  Ergo, as the fans from Egypt and Algeria decided to bust a cap in the ass of the mean streets of Khartoum, so Embassy realized that perhaps the airport might be "busy" with crazed fans who were too poor to stay overnight one more day in Sudan.  Or, they actually looked outside and realized they were in Sudan so they all ran for the airport to get the hell outta here.  Either way.

So, at 0100 hrs we're at Khartoum International Airport - but it should be fine, right? we're business class (I don't fly coach.  It's my new red line); however, I neglected to plan ahead (because if you recall, I didn't remember I was leaving that day) and didn't bring any booze.  FYI, KIA does not supply booze to its business class lounge.  They claimed something about Sharia Law and being an Islamic Country - I'm not really sure, wasn't really listening as I was scheming how to get back to my house and grab a flask or four - you know, just to take the edge off...

So then, because of the crazed nonsense going on - our flight did not actually DEPART Khartoum until after 0930 the NEXT DAMN DAY. 

Naturally, we missed our connecting flight in Cairo.  (Write this down:  I now officially HATE Egypt and Algieria.  They are ALSO dead to me....like that chinese guy and anonomyous)

So then we sat in the Cairo airport (the old one, not the new trendy one that has booze in its lounge) for another four hours.  I seriously considered just going back to Khartoum. 

HOWEVER, we DID make it to Rome, had a great few days there - stayed in a fab hotel right on the top of the Spanish Steps, realized that wine was actually cheaper than a cup of coffee, so I started drinking at 0930 daily (because I'm fiscally responsible like that). 

Then we rented a villa in Catania, Sicily with some friends (you remember Liz, right?? She says hi) and we cooked thanksgiving dinner in a foreign oven using the metric system for measuring and oven temperatures. 

So you're totally thinking it was a disaster, right??

NO!  It was seriously the best turkey I have EVER had (no offense daddy, but that shit rocked).  I might have been drunk, but that crap was good.

Other highlights of interest - we walked up mount etna (not much to see but lava rocks.  Can't really recommend it - plus, i got all tired and Liz and I made them leave us 3/4 of the way up the mountain while we sat there to wait for them to return from the summit - while buzzards circled our carcasses) and then the BEST PART...we drove 3 hours to Palermo, Sicily to the catacombs. 

I fully admit that I DEMANDED that we all go because I totally wanted to see the dead people.  The books all said that the catacombs had some kinda mojo that would mummify people - so the richy-riches of Sicily would have themselves hung on the wall for posperity.  So I mean, who wouldn't want to see that shit, right!?

So we finally manage to find the thing in some random ghetto in Palermo where nobody spoke English and you know I don't speak Italian - in fact, after this trip, I barely speak English anymore....  So I'm all excited, thinking...there's gonna be some dead man we can look at -- and potentially poke with a stick (because that's what you would naturally do when faced with a dead thing)

So we pay our 3 euros and go in. 

OMFG! the horror! 

There were literally HUNDREDS of bodies lining the walls...they were all dressed in their old clothes and some of them even had hair and skin still.   I shit you not!  Dead people!  Some of them were all hanging like they were talking - so of course Josh has to comment that they totally were all chatting and moving around, but the sun came up so now they're waiting for the place to close (which was like in 10 minutes at the time) until they wake up again. 

So now I'm all freaked out and I want out of there.  PLUS, the guy at the cashier's desk said that "there was something in the air and the soil" in that location that rapidly mummified the people -  so then I'm TOTALLY holding my breath because I'm sure that I'm mummifying as I'm walking through the place. 

Luckily, I didn't mummify and nobody came back from the dead.  We totally took pics (even though we weren't supposed to do so because we're AMERICANs and we're tacky)....but I'm freaked out by the pics.  UGGH.

Will post pics of Italy for your viewing pleasure whenever josh sends them to me in a format that I can easily post.  Until such time, assume it was waaay cool and now I'm back in hell.

You may resume your pity.