So you know how I'm in Sudan, right?? I just thought I should take a moment and remind you all (and when I say "you all" I mean "my mommy and Daddy" who will soon be shipping me my Christmas Care Package) that I am IN SUDAN . Ergo, you should feel sorry for me.
Why, you ask??
Because I'm IN SUDAN...jackass! It's Christmas...and I do not have access to Malls or ABC's 25 Days of Christmas or FaLaLaLa Lifetime Christmas movies. That alone is an unspeakable outrage and likely prohibited by the Geneva Convention -- although to be fair, I haven't actually read the entire Geneva Convention (because it was really long and frankly kinda boring...but I DID read the part that said GENEVA CONVENTION...but then I got bored and deleted the email that linked me to it), so I can't really say for SURE that it is technically IN there, but I imagine it is, because it's obviously a travesty.
However, because I'm a kind, and caring - some might even say "saintly" - person, I will tell you WHY you should sympathize with me this holiday season...
(1) There is no Caro White Corn Syrup (a christmas staple) available in Khartoum. I'm sure they have some sort of equivalent, but I can't speak Arabic, am too lazy to actually ask someone how to say that in Arabic, and prefer to simply complain about the issue.
(2) The Mail Fairy Refuses to ship glass or liquids to me in Khartoum. Therefore, even if my BFF Netgrocer, or Amazon.com had Caro White Corn Syrup available, the Mail Fairy would send it back. (Speaking of which, the Mail Fairy is a bitch! Yesterday, the fairy came and delivered my presents - or "boxes" as they like to call them - in my car...and I was all excited (as naturally I would be) and then I looked at the name of the sender...VITAMINLAND. WTF MAIL FAIRY!?!? That's not cool! Nobody wants that shit! Healthy shit is dumb, and should not be allowed to clog up the mail!! Before you even ask...Yes. Josh is totally to blame for that. He has been counseled.)
(3) Without Caro White Corn Syrup, Christmas Candy and Pecan Pie Cannot Exist. I don't even need to expand on this one. I think you all can see the inherent grief #3 brings me.
(4) It is Difficult to Sustain the Christmas Spirit When You Leave the Tree. In keeping with my tradition of Creating Christmas Hell in my house, I forced Josh to put up the Christmas decorations (which I totally shipped in our household effects, but managed to forget to ship the salad spinner and vegetable steamer. Josh still thinks that was an accident. Fool!) immediately upon our return from Rome. However, it's just not the same when you walk out the door to find heat and sand. Obviously, we'll be having a Brown Christmas without you guys....
(5) intentionally left blank.
I do, however, have to give Sudan some credit....some families have put up some lights and there are trees up in various places around town. I totally didn't see that coming. Also, there is some kinda scarey Santa that dances in front of the kid's toy store here. However, it's one of those foreign Santas, that look nothing like the real Santa, but more like a fat, creepy old man dancing for little kids.
I'm kinda just disturbed by that. However, I refuse to be disturbed alone. Therefore, in keeping with my other new tradition of bringing you guys down with me. I will try to get a picture of the creepy dancing Santa and will post him here.
SOOOO, since you're all probably feeling really, really sorry for me now, please refer to my last post (skip the Satan part though, that will probably freak you out) to find my Christmas Wish List attached.
I also accept all major credit cards.
Sometimes? I'm Judgmental. Also, Seattle!
13 hours ago