Wednesday, December 9, 2009

The Joy of Christmas in Khartoum....Or, Why You Should Feel Sorry for Me and Send Me Cash to Make Me Feel Better

So you know how I'm in Sudan, right?? I just thought I should take a moment and remind you all (and when I say "you all" I mean "my mommy and Daddy" who will soon be shipping me my Christmas Care Package) that I am IN SUDAN .  Ergo, you should feel sorry for me. 

Why, you ask??

Because I'm IN SUDAN...jackass!  It's Christmas...and I do not have access to Malls or ABC's 25 Days of Christmas or FaLaLaLa Lifetime Christmas movies.  That alone is an unspeakable outrage and likely prohibited by the Geneva Convention -- although to be fair, I haven't actually read the entire Geneva Convention (because it was really long and frankly kinda boring...but I DID read the part that said GENEVA CONVENTION...but then I got bored and deleted the email that linked me to it), so I can't really say for SURE that it is technically IN there, but I imagine it is, because it's obviously a travesty. 

However, because I'm a kind, and caring - some might even say "saintly" - person, I will tell you WHY you should sympathize with me this holiday season...

(1) There is no Caro White Corn Syrup (a christmas staple) available in Khartoum.  I'm sure they have some sort of equivalent, but I can't speak Arabic, am too lazy to actually ask someone how to say that in Arabic, and prefer to simply complain about the issue.

(2) The Mail Fairy Refuses to ship glass or liquids to me in Khartoum.  Therefore, even if my BFF Netgrocer, or Amazon.com had Caro White Corn Syrup available, the Mail Fairy would send it back.  (Speaking of which, the Mail Fairy is a bitch!  Yesterday, the fairy came and delivered my presents - or "boxes" as they like to call them - in my car...and I was all excited (as naturally I would be) and then I looked at the name of the sender...VITAMINLANDWTF MAIL FAIRY!?!? That's not cool!  Nobody wants that shit!  Healthy shit is dumb, and should not be allowed to clog up the mail!!  Before you even ask...Yes.  Josh is totally to blame for that.  He has been counseled.)

(3)  Without Caro White Corn Syrup, Christmas Candy and Pecan Pie Cannot Exist.  I don't even need to expand on this one.  I think you all can see the inherent grief #3 brings me.

(4)  It is Difficult to Sustain the Christmas Spirit When You Leave the Tree.  In keeping with my tradition of Creating Christmas Hell in my house, I forced Josh to put up the Christmas decorations (which I totally shipped in our household effects, but managed to forget to ship the salad spinner and vegetable steamer.  Josh still thinks that was an accident.  Fool!)  immediately upon our return from Rome.  However, it's just not the same when you walk out the door to find heat and sand.  Obviously, we'll be having a Brown Christmas without you guys....

(5) intentionally left blank. 

I do, however, have to give Sudan some credit....some families have put up some lights and there are trees up in various places around town.  I totally didn't see that coming.  Also, there is some kinda scarey Santa that dances in front of the kid's toy store here.  However, it's one of those foreign Santas, that look nothing like the real  Santa, but more like a fat, creepy old man dancing for little kids. 

I'm kinda just disturbed by that.  However, I refuse to be disturbed alone.  Therefore, in keeping with my other new tradition of bringing you guys down with me.  I will try to get a picture of the creepy dancing Santa and will post him here.

SOOOO, since you're all probably feeling really, really sorry for  me now, please refer to my last post (skip the Satan part though, that will probably freak you out) to find my Christmas Wish List attached.

I also accept all major credit cards. 

10 comments:

Frau said...

Caro syrup comes in plastic container now...have Ma and Pa look for it. I smuggled some in suitcase this summer from States. Sorry don't mean to rub it in but hey I need Crisco shortening for my Holiday baking want to do an international trade? Sorry you are having a brown Christmas!

mo.stoneskin said...

I didn't know there was a Mail Fairy, I only know of the Mail Demon.

I'll send you an old credit card of mine which has expired. Will that do?

Gaston Studio said...

Ewwwweeee, a brown Christmas; that conjures up unimaginable images!

And that creepy Santa? Conjured up an image of a pedophile... and in front of a toy store?! What are they thinking??

Optimistic Pessimist said...

I would have thought you would have checked to see if Caro White Corn Syrup was available before going to Sudan. Perhaps you should add that to your checklist for next time.

Brian Miller said...

i am not dreaming of a brown christmas...and creepy santa...ugh!

rxBambi said...

yeah pretty much just ewwww sums it up.

good luck with that...

tera said...

So now I'm thinking we need to figure out a way to dehydrate vodka, you know, like powdered milk, or those little kool-aid packets? Then I could ship you a whole case and you could re=hydrate them when you need that lil' pick me up.

...I know, I know - I'll get right on it!

blognut said...

I will not rest until someone sends you the corn syrup you need.

And some cash or credit cards.

Please note that I, too, am quite lazy and will therefore NOT be sending you those things, but know that I CARE and I WILL NOT REST until your needs have been met.

It'll be like an Un-Rest Strike. :)

Anonymous said...

did you just call your parents jackasses?

Eve said...

CORN SYRUP SUBSTITUTE
2 c. white sugar
3/4 c. water
1/4 tsp. cream of tartar
Dash of salt
Combine all ingredients in a heavy, large pan. Stir and bring to a boil. Reduce heat to a simmer and put cover on it for 3 minutes to get sugar crystals off the sides of the pan. Uncover and cook until it reaches soft ball stage. Stir often.
Cool syrup and store in a covered container at room temperature. It will keep for about 2 months. Makes almost 2 cups.

OR

I read that you could use a simple syrup of just water and sugar.

OR

You could substitute rice syrup or glucose syrup if you are able to find either. Also, honey has nearly the same texture and is equally sweet and I think it would probably make a good substitute in pecan pie.

I know it's not the same as being in the States where the ingredients are all at hand, but I hope this helps.