Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Dear US Embassy Doctor,

I am writing this letter to inform you that I have decided to seek other medical care for my "medical issues" (both imagined and real) that I have and/or will encounter in Sudan.  Although I sincerely appreciate your medical advice such as when you recently commented, "Why the hell would you put Neosporin on a burn for more than three days?!  Everyone knows that after three days Neosporin will adversely effect healing of burns!" I really feel that I must point out that, No, not everybody DOES know that. I assume only medical professionals (and maybe my internet pharmacist) would know this.

I feel like it is my civic duty to inform you that most people at post (and when I say "most people," I mean me specifically) rely on YOU to tell them if there is some sort of side effect for a drug or cream.  For example, when I first burned myself and you told me to make sure I cleaned it and put some Neosporin on it, perhaps then would have been a good time to bring up the "but not for more than three days or you will create a skin reaction that will result in hideous scarring and prevent healing."  

I'm just saying...perhaps then would have been a better time than when you pointed it out circa 7 days after I burned myself and had been continuing to put Neosporin on it because (a) I had some; and (b) I saw a commercial that made a scar disappear on some kids' finger back in the day when I had TV.  Clearly, that would help my burn...on my finger!! Obviously, Neosporin is intended for finger healing.  The commercial told me.

Also, I did not appreciate it when you refused to even consider a Medevac back to the States for my debilitating injury, because you "assumed" that Washington would consider that a frivolous request.  Further, you then laughed when I noted that any medevac for myself back to the States would clearly need to be authorized business class -- in case someone bumped my finger!! -- I'm just saying that I think that you might need to work on your bedside (aka pretending to care) manner.

Further, as I am currently an internet certified physician (I mean, my cards don't say US Embassy, Michel, WebMD for nothing man), I'm not really looking for someone to just tell me what you think I have.  I'm very qualified in the use of my medical reference tool "Symptom Checker" and believe I can diagnose my own illnesses - frankly, with a more cool sounding result than your, "that's a burn" diagnosis.  What I am looking for, is someone who is more Prescribey, and less talkey.  

I think you can see that because of my ability to self-diagnose, if I do drag my lazy ass into the health unit, I'm going to need some kind of prescription drug in order to make myself feel as if I have been to a medical professional.  Otherwise, I could just go online and tell myself what to do.   I do hope you understand my decision.  It's nothing personal.  You just suck.

Wishing you and yours a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year,

Michel, WebMD


Brian Miller said...

a little more prescribee and a little less talkee...lol.

do hope your finger is feeling better.

mo.stoneskin said...

An internet certified physician huh? I was about to tell you about some of my ailments but on second thoughts I will stay well clear.

Together We Save said...

Oh my you have made me laugh... thanks.

Hope the burn is getting better.

CarrieAnn said...

I'm sorry, but I'm with you on the Neosporin thing. Three days? Really?! I put Neosporin on everything! I think your doctor is an idiot.

franzi said...

ok, my personal webMD says that neosporin kills germs which we all know are everywhere in sudan. so it's not a completely moron decision to continue neosporin for more than three days.

like einstein said, it's all relative...


Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

You tell 'em girly!!!!

injaynesworld said...

Sounds like a real loser without the chops to mislead people in the U.S. so, like toxic waste, we sent him to Sudan.

And I didn't know that crap about Neosporin. What does he expect you to do, read the freakin' directions on the box? Who over the age of 10 has eyes that can still read lettering that small? Nope. You are totally right. He sucks.

Anonymous said...

I have found when going to see any ‘doctor’ who is ‘practicing,’ I have to self diagnose first.

Optimistic Pessimist said...

holy shit...you're not supposed to use neosporin for more than three days on burns?! i didn't know that. WTF?

Manda said...

kelly - I LOVE YOU! we miss you lol you always make my whole office laugh – the cardiologist especially loved this one being that we all frigging hate WebMD because every 60+ year old who has mastered the internet comes in claiming that they know they are having a heart attack “they checked!” And or that they need a pericardiocentesis… no you don’t but we still love you!

Manda said...

oh and also im sorry about your burn ! - loves - get better soon

blognut said...

I think you're exactly right to break up with that horrible, uncaring doctor. Anyone could see from the pictures of your burn that a medevac back to the states was absolutely the right thing to do. Business class - and free booze for the pain, included.


I think I'm going to adopt a new title, too. Blognut, Atty at Web Law. I'd be happy to represent you!

Pastor Sharon said...

Dr. Michel,
Thank you so much for enlightening me about the Neosoporin. I never knew it was bad after three days! And to think. . . I live with a RN (REAL NURSE)!

♥ Braja said...

the term 'medical issues' conjurs up a plethora of posts....

the MomMy said...

Dear Embassy Doctor:

This is Michel's mother speaking. You really need to stop practicing and start performing medicine. Help her! Perhaps you do not know that she is the family PRINCESS (self appointed) and as I see it, she could be disfigured.(gasp!). Don't worry about the neosporin. A princess never types. That would be working. A princess delegates! And--we all know that no one takes orders from ugly people: that is one ugly burn.

Doctor: Figure out what to DO and stop criticizing what she DID. Your job is to HEAL! Blame is MY job. Step back and stay away from my job. Jobs are hard enough to find now days.

About the transfer home: Do I need to write a note to get her out of the country? Is it the business class thing? I know she would fly first class if that would meet evac criteria. I too have a license (granted yours trumps mine) but my sister is a doctor. I know she will agree with me.

Captain Dumbass said...

Neosporin? You mean you didn't just rub it in butter?

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Anonymous said...

Three days huh?? I never knew that. . . they didn't teach us that in nursing school! I WANT MY MONEY BACK!!!!
Or maybe I am just keeping that to myself so I can watch fingers fall off of all those who keep thinking Neosporin is a cure all!
Seriously? I didn't know that. I am so much of a "more is better" kind of girl!
I'm disappointed in Neosporin!!!
Good luck with the burn!

Gaston Studio said...

I just KNEW we were related 'cuz I also have a WebMD degree!

MS Mom said...

Whats up with the SPAM on the comments page? I read your posts regularly, never fails i am always laughing. Ditch the doctor, find some pills, fill a shot glass and delegate your work to someone else. (Dont people know how this is supposed to work?)

MS Mom said...

Whats up with the SPAM on the comments page? I read your posts regularly, never fails i am always laughing. Ditch the doctor, find some pills, fill a shot glass and delegate your work to someone else. (Dont people know how this is supposed to work?)

rxBambi said...

Dear Michel WebMD,

You lost me when you implied that, as your internet pharmacist, I am not a medical professional.

I will need much love and adoration in order to overcome my hurty feelbads. In fact, I will have to dispense myself medication with which to soothe my ego.

Until then, you will have to not only prescribe but also COUNT out your own medication. FYI - we count by fives. Try that as a non-professional. Especially when the quantity desired is not a multiple of said number (I know as well as you do that you do no do math).

Best of luck,
rxBambi, real medical professional and internet pharmacist.

Fragrant Liar said...

Dear Self-Appointed Princess,

(Hey, your own mom called you out on that one, my Suffering Sudanese Sister...)

Stop grousing at the highly trained professional medical person. He is undoubtedly just overworked and misunderstanding the seriousness of your unsightly finger issue. Did you try showing him your middle finger as a comparison? If nothing else, he might have injured you further, in which case, you might have THEN seen that medevac to the states. See, you gotta think outside the box. You want provokee, not prescribee.

Yours in Escape,
Fragrant Liar

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otin said...

I know that if you use something like Ben Gay and a heating pad at the same time, that it can cause you to lose limbs. Seriously. I saw a thing on tv where they had to amputate a guys legs because he did that!

Heidi said...

I'm with Amy, also being a nurse and seriously not knowing WTF that medical person was talking about. We don't use a lot of Neosporin at the hosp, mostly Bacitracin and we use it for days and days and I, well, nothing adverse happens.

Heidi said...

Forgot to say, hope your finger feels better soon.

darsden said...

hahaha some things never change... I see it's still about you over here..!!!

Merry Christmas and Have a Very Blessed New Year!

prashant said...

I was about to tell you about some of my ailments but on second thoughts I will stay well clear.
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