Tuesday, December 8, 2009

It's SOOO Brilliant, It Just Might Work!!!!

So I was reading blogs this evening -- and then was subsequently distracted when Josh called me downstairs to watch a "movie"...and when I say "movie," I mean hideous monstrosity called Paranormal Activity that will essentially preclude me from EVER SLEEPING AGAIN..... because it simply confirms what I always knew:   boys will eff with shit until demons come and kill you all.  Just as I suspected!!!   I totally knew it!!! 

OMFG! I'm seriously, SERIOUSLY, never going to sleep again.  WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!?  AND WHY THE HELL DID I WATCH THAT!?!?

Yes, mother! I KNOW! You DID tell me not to watch that shit, that it would only freak me out and I would end up flying back to Washington and sleeping with my parents - but damnitt! You KNOW that only makes me want to see that shit more, right!?!? 

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is...Josh and my mommy are to blame for my current Sleepless in Khartoum state.....


Anyway, back to my point - before I was rudely interrupted by Satan -- I was trying to catch up on my hobby (blog reading) and I read Jason's blog (if you haven't read it, you totally should.  He's the heeby!  Fo Shizzle!)  and he had a BRILLIANT idea...post your Christmas List...so that you're SURE to get what you want....

SOOO....after that, I totally have to do the same;  here it goes. Please get out your pens and pencils so that you can take notes.  Your shopping list will be succinct and will ultimately save you time at those crowded malls (my goodness! I'm such a good person!! I'm like a Christmas Miracle!!!)


Dear Santa,

I just wanted to send you a quick note to let you know that I have been thinking about all you do for the good little boys and girls - how you load that sleigh and then get in your winter garb (I know how binding layered clothing can be when you're on the other side of chubby...my goodness, I could write a book...but I digress) and round up all the reindeer...

That's a lotta work.

Therefore, as a fellow lazy American (you ARE American, right??  It's okay that you skip Canada.  They know what they did), I just wanted to tell you that this year, I want to take some of the burdeon off of you.  Let you put your feet up.....sit by the fire with Mrs. Claus...Maybe watch a movie -- Oh, FYI -  don't watch Paranormal Activity!  That shit is messed up.  You should cross everyone responsible for that movie off your list.  They are clearly bad people. -- anyway, get some hot cocoa and take a rest this year. 

Please just EFT the cash amount of my gifts to my bank account of record.  They're expecting a "hefty" transfer.... Haha! (or should I say, hohoho??? How cute is that pun SANTA!?  Doesn't it just make you want to add a zero to the end of that transfer!?!)

You are soooo welcome. 

Love Always,

Your Biggest Fan who is NOT from Canada....


PS I'm not sure if you noticed or not, but Josh is a very very bad man this year.  Tell him to knock the Satan Shit off or you'll cross him off next year's list.  That shit's not funny!! 


Dear God,

Josh is a Blasphemer.    When you judge everyone, please don't consider us a tandem couple. I had nothing to do with it.

Your Humble Servant Who Does NOT Mock Satan and Potentially Piss You Off,


PS I am very sorry I watched that movie.  I will never do it again!! I even wrote it down as valuable lesson number 864.  As such, please tell Josh to stop scaring me.  That shit's sooo not funny. 


Susan said...

Tell me what Canada did. Be a narc! What did they do? What did they do?

rxBambi said...

When I was in jr high I used to watch crap like that. Now I can't sleep if I do. Luckily MY hubby doesn't make me watch it. In fact, he hates that kinda stuff. I'm sure someone will smack Josh if you ask nicely. And pay.

blognut said...

I totally read Jason's blog and I am totally working on my Christmas list! I think we have to have pictures in order to make sure there is no error in communication, don't you?

By the way - stay away from those scary movies - ya' big baby. :)

staceyjwarner said...

I hope you are recovered? Yikes.

much love

Brian Miller said...

dear santa...ditto...lol.

you gotta watch those movies...yikes!

Jaime said...

i can't watch those movies. they freak me out. i saw the ring and almost had to leave the theater i was so freaked out. i literally couldn't be in the house by myself without turning on every light and locking all the locks for a solid month.

i'm a baby...sue me

otin said...

Namby pamby! I am scared! LOL!

Sleepless in Khartoum? Sounds like a sequel in the making! ha!

Captain Dumbass said...

How would I keep my house warm in the winter if not for my fire demon? I just don't understand you.

mo.stoneskin said...

You need to remember that Santa may not be up with the times. I don't think he knows how to transfer money electronically.

Gaston Studio said...

Josh now has a blog?! I thought he hated the fact that you blog, so I've got to go over there and see what he's up to.

Can't wait to see Paranormal Activity; love that stuff!

Good luck on the transfers and adding of zeros.

Gaston Studio said...

Okay, I'm totally not awake. I read Josh's Blog when you actually typed Jason's Blog... duhhhhhhh!

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

Ok, see that's exactly why I stay away from shit like that. When I was young my aunt took me to see the Exorcist which OF COURSE I blogged about here http://www.thedivasthoughts.com/search?q=exorcist&x=17&y=5 and that crap scared me so bad that decades later I am still traumatized. I probably should have seeked therapy years ago.

franzi said...

this is God,
got your letter. would have considered your request but you decided to watch the dead people in that cave AND took pictures of them. their souls are forever in your camera haunting every single new picture you take.

talked to santa. he's willing to consider your christmas wish if you promise to share the next cake you are being offered in a meeting. (like that will ever happen - santa is totally naive)