Sunday, December 27, 2009

Mom, Don't Read this Post...You Either Pastor Sharon....Or, Why Liz and I are Probably Not Going to Heaven Anytime Soon...

So today I was back at work after the "long" holiday weekend that included a series of unfortunate events (me working on Christmas Eve), an event that I previously thought would signal the apocalypse (I finally met a cupcake I didn't like), a Christmas Miracle (I actually ate so much pie that I don't actually want anymore...ever) and I managed to piss Jesus off....all in one long weekend.  Impressed?? I know!!  So was I!!!

How did I piss of Jesus you ask? Well, a myriad of reasons really....turns out, Jesus does not consider a "Beer Pong Tournament" a suitable celebration venue for the birth of our lord and Savior.  In reality, Jesus pretty much called me a drunken smelly pirate ho and then smoted me about 15 minutes after everyone left Jesus' Birthday Beer Pong Festival at my house.   To punish me, he visited the Angel of Bed Spins and Vomit  upon me...and that guy didn't leave until like 5 pm the next day.  Jesus REALLY does not care for Birthday Beer Pong. 

Seriously you guys, write that down.

So I'm telling Liz all about how I pissed Jesus off and she was telling me all about how her family managed to create a scene at midnight mass.  So apparently (and nobody tell Dan this, I don't think Liz was supposed to tell me...) the preacher at the mass was from Boston.  So he's all preaching about how cool God is and all, and her family was paying very close attention for literally 12s of minutes, but then apparently the Preacher said, "Dah-kness" and a few other words that started them to roll around the pews laughing (everything is waaay more funny in church, frankly).

And then after they got the stink eye from the rest of the congregation who are just a little bit more mature and had apparently a little bit less sugar before Mass, Dan got into a tug of war with the lady holding the blood of Christ.  In Italy, they don't let you use your hands on Christ's stuff. 

Which then prompted a discussion that will likely end with both of us headed south (or back to Khartoum) for the afterlife. 
  •  I pointed out how for the longest time I thought the Priest was saying the "Bread of Christ" - -  which, in my defense, it WAS bread. (I was like eight, I really didn't get the whole transubstantiation thing) -- and then the whole Blood of Christ kinda freaked me out because you gotta admit that sounds pretty gross to actually drink (PLUS, I've always thought drinking out of the same cup along with 50 other people is unsanitary.  I'm not sure the Church actually offers an actual Sanitizer of Christ on that napkin they wipe the cup with after that one drooley guy who sat beside you takes a drink.
  • I also don't like it when they don't let you use your hands to take the communion.  I'm really worried that I'm going to choke on it because I'll get all nervous I am gonna drop it, then inhale it into my lungs.  I mean if you think about it, what the heck would everyone at mass think if you started to choke on the Communion.  I know what I would think...I would think you were Satan and that this was the start of some scary effin horror movie.  I don't want to go through that man! Just lemme take it first, and then I'll place it squarely in my mouth...for safety reasons.....

  • Liz wondered if during the last supper Jesus had to make extra Bread to pass around for the Body of Christ like he had to do on that hillside when he fed all those people from the fish and bread.  Naturally, I then worried that they might have only gotten the little communion sized piece of bread - so I would have felt all robbed during the last supper, and probably resented Peter who likely got a bigger piece of bread than I would have gotten because he's waaay holier than I am....

  • Did Jesus actually eat dinner too?  What did he order? Is there a Leg of Lamb of Christ too??  Should we have that on Easter?? Is this in the Bible?? I really should have paid closer attention in CCD.  If I were Jesus (and I think we can safely assume I am not after THIS post) I would have ordered a Macaroni and Cheese of Christ and probably an  Apple Pie and Chocolate Cake of Christ as well.  -- I have recently put a lot of thought (as has Liz, frankly) as to what we would order for our last supper.  I'm not sure I would be able to decide.  I would, however, probably eat so much my tummy hurt though...because what's the point? I'd also probably try to make it linger for about 3 more days...I'd just keep ordering stuff....
Anyway, if I have offended any of your catholic sensibilities, I do apologize.  If it makes you feel any better, my  mother and father are probably changing their phone number and email addresses as you read this....right after  they send me a very strongly worded email to voice their disgust for me.  However, these are theological questions that should probably be answered (but not in the comment section)!

God smoted me enough for ruining his birthday.  I truly think this one will likely be a freebie!!!

22 comments:

Middle Aged Woman said...

No beer pong? Not even if I cross myself before each turn?

injaynesworld said...

I, too, went to a Christmas Eve mass -- lured there by a friend who wanted me hear her sing. I had not been to such an event since my childhood Catholic days when everything was in Latin and when "Blessings be upon you" was said you didn't say back, "and to you," because he was, after all, a priest and really didn't need our blessings. He got his straight from the Big Guy. And oh yeah... you are so going to hell.

Pastor Sharon said...

Shoulda played Wine Pong. . . everyone knows it is a Jewish tradition to be allowed to get totally hammered on wine at least one Holiday per year. . . however, I'm sure it's not the Birth of Christ holiday. . . I just can't remember which one it is.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take care of the calluses on my knees which I have contracted from praying for you and Liz.

I have just spoken with your parents and they have agreed we are going to be in continual prayer until we pray both your souls "back into purgatory" because right now you have completely slipped through the cracks straight into Khartoum. . .I mean hell.

Doll face, you are hilarious. . . and now it is certain. . . God has a sense of humor. . . How do I know? Why look at yourself! He worked a master piece of twisted humor just creating you!

xoxoxo,
PS

Suzy said...

I remember not going to mass regularly and then one day I went and they were putting the host on your tongue for you.

I was too much of a control freak for that.

Pastor Sharon said...

Oh wait. . . I wasn't supposed to read this! Good thing I did anyway. Someone has to beg for your forgiveness! LOL

Pastor Sharon said...

. . . and the spinning be was the demon of alcohol being released from your body!

I got a telepathic message that I should be praying for you and so I did. . . little did I know what you were being freed from while that was going on. . . .

No worries. . . two more days and you'll be back in Purgatory. . . . just send a check to the Vatican with my name on it.

We will send you a cross pendant for which you will wear everytime you are tempted to choke on wine in church! ;>)

Fragrant Liar said...

HAHAHAHA, I totally get you on the Boston holy guy saying stuff like "dah-kness." Not that I have been to mass lately, but anytime I hear that Northeastern US accent, I can't help but guffaw -- in church or not.

I can really appreciate the Jesus' Birthday Beer Pong Festival, and if I'd known, I would have been there for sure with a bag of the crispy style Bread of Christ. They carry it at H.E.B. now.

Wait, did you mean to not invite me?

Jason, as himself said...

This post cracked me right up! I was chuckling until I got to "Sanitizer of Christ" and then I just let loose.

I married into a catholic family and whenever I go to mass with them I just can't help but make jokes in my head about the whole thing.

Good one!!!

blognut said...

I always worried about the "Sanitizer of Christ" actually killing whatever vermin was marching along the rim of that cup. So glad I am not alone.

BTW, even I could've told you that Jesus would not be happy about beer pong on his birthday.

otin said...

Yea, and what about that last supper painting? all of these people at a fancy banquet table eating nothing but bread?? Seems like if you could walk on water, you could round up a tray of baked ziti! LMAO!!! I am right on your heels on that highway to hell! LOL!

Beth said...

Michel,

Don't worry about going to hell. It sounds like you are going to be in good company.

I learn so much about religion from you. Christians should learn from the Jews - food AND alcohol are vital parts of all holiday celebrations.

Glad we don't have to share wine cups,
Beth

Brian Miller said...

lol. the spins are a very bad penance indeed...not that i would know...(in case PS comes back to read the comments. smiles.)

Nanc Twop said...

`
Looks like you also invited that guy with a white beard to your tourney...

Coal for you next year, methinks.

Mala said...

I'm new here. Fabulous post! LMAO!
The drinking from the same cup as 50 other strangers thing is the only excuse I need to stay away from church. But trust, there's many, many more reasons.

I'll be back.

tera said...

...and this is why I'm not a Catholic. We non-denominational-slash-baptist types get our own individual shot glasses and we get to pick our crackers out of the basket our own selves.

And I wouldn't worry about God...He's got to have a sense of humor, I mean just look around. WTF's up with the platypus for crying out loud?!

Amy said...

I agree with Tera. I could never be catholic mostly because I'm a germaphobe! I could NEVER EVER EVER drink after someone like that. I don't even drink after most of my own family, let alone some freaky stinky gingavitis guy.

Don't think you are hell bound. God has a great sense of humor. I'm sure you are sill in. . .At least it got PS praying for you, that has to count for something.

franzi said...

oh this is a great post. choking on the communion, rofl!!! come to think of it, i have never seen anyone choke on this. it's probably everyone's nightmare so they try really really hard to eat this thing correctly.

i demand more posts like these! you have a pastor praying for you, that should be enough to give another post a try! ;-)

franzi said...

oh this is a great post. choking on the communion, rofl!!! come to think of it, i have never seen anyone choke on this. it's probably everyone's nightmare so they try really really hard to eat this thing correctly.

i demand more posts like these! you have a pastor praying for you, that should be enough to give another post a try! ;-)

Oh My Goddess said...

I'm on your side because it's like that old embroidered pillow I have says: if you don't have something nice to say, sit beside me.

See ya' in church when hell freezes over ya' big sinner!

Gaston Studio said...

OMG, I feel the same way you do about the host thing possibily getting sucked into my lungs! Some scarey shit!

Viv said...

When I made my 1st Communion, I was FINE with taking the body and blood of Christ...right up until my CCD teacher cautioned us to be VERY careful NOT to drop the wafer, because it is actually the 'body' of Christ, but that we should immediately pick it up and eat it, even if we drop it. I went home and flipped out, asking my mother why drinking after the woman with TB wasn't enough, why I had to eat off the floor too.

Every year I give up Catholicism for Lent, and I often forget just how long Lent is. ;) Next year though, I think I'll invite my mum to a Christmas game of beer pong...I like to provide her with ways to fill her time, like praying for my black, black soul. I love this idea, and I can't imagine the hangover being any worse than the all nighter I pull wrapping gifts anyway. Plus, Catholic guilt is the gift that keeps on giving.

McGillicutty said...

I love that Pastor Sharon is taking care of your spiritual needs, she likes the way you think and will spend her life praying and reading your blog!!! hilarious!!!!