Wednesday, December 2, 2009

I shit you not!!! I SAW DEAD PEOPLE!!!!

Now that I totally have your attention...I would like to point out (a) I'm home; and (b) why the hell didn't anyone do anything while I was gone!?!?  WTF people!? Now I'm having to work MORE after I took a break because I was exhausted from working!!!

(and as a total aside, WHO THE HELL IS LEAVING COMMENTS IN CHINESE?!? And WHY the hell are people leaving stupid links as comments.  For the record: that is LAME!  I totally hate you, whoever you are.  You are officially dead to me.  Loser)

Okay, I'm better now.

SO, we went to Italy right?! Remember how I wasn't prepared?  Well, I really wasn't prepared.  at. all.  Wanna hear about it?  here it goes:

So Embassy told us the driver was coming to pick us up at 0100 because (as you may recall) Egypt and Algeria decided to hold their playoff match for the world cup (soccer) here in Khartoum the day I was leaving.  Ergo, as the fans from Egypt and Algeria decided to bust a cap in the ass of the mean streets of Khartoum, so Embassy realized that perhaps the airport might be "busy" with crazed fans who were too poor to stay overnight one more day in Sudan.  Or, they actually looked outside and realized they were in Sudan so they all ran for the airport to get the hell outta here.  Either way.

So, at 0100 hrs we're at Khartoum International Airport - but it should be fine, right? we're business class (I don't fly coach.  It's my new red line); however, I neglected to plan ahead (because if you recall, I didn't remember I was leaving that day) and didn't bring any booze.  FYI, KIA does not supply booze to its business class lounge.  They claimed something about Sharia Law and being an Islamic Country - I'm not really sure, wasn't really listening as I was scheming how to get back to my house and grab a flask or four - you know, just to take the edge off...

So then, because of the crazed nonsense going on - our flight did not actually DEPART Khartoum until after 0930 the NEXT DAMN DAY. 

Naturally, we missed our connecting flight in Cairo.  (Write this down:  I now officially HATE Egypt and Algieria.  They are ALSO dead to me....like that chinese guy and anonomyous)

So then we sat in the Cairo airport (the old one, not the new trendy one that has booze in its lounge) for another four hours.  I seriously considered just going back to Khartoum. 

HOWEVER, we DID make it to Rome, had a great few days there - stayed in a fab hotel right on the top of the Spanish Steps, realized that wine was actually cheaper than a cup of coffee, so I started drinking at 0930 daily (because I'm fiscally responsible like that). 

Then we rented a villa in Catania, Sicily with some friends (you remember Liz, right?? She says hi) and we cooked thanksgiving dinner in a foreign oven using the metric system for measuring and oven temperatures. 

So you're totally thinking it was a disaster, right??

NO!  It was seriously the best turkey I have EVER had (no offense daddy, but that shit rocked).  I might have been drunk, but that crap was good.

Other highlights of interest - we walked up mount etna (not much to see but lava rocks.  Can't really recommend it - plus, i got all tired and Liz and I made them leave us 3/4 of the way up the mountain while we sat there to wait for them to return from the summit - while buzzards circled our carcasses) and then the BEST PART...we drove 3 hours to Palermo, Sicily to the catacombs. 

I fully admit that I DEMANDED that we all go because I totally wanted to see the dead people.  The books all said that the catacombs had some kinda mojo that would mummify people - so the richy-riches of Sicily would have themselves hung on the wall for posperity.  So I mean, who wouldn't want to see that shit, right!?

So we finally manage to find the thing in some random ghetto in Palermo where nobody spoke English and you know I don't speak Italian - in fact, after this trip, I barely speak English anymore....  So I'm all excited, thinking...there's gonna be some dead man we can look at -- and potentially poke with a stick (because that's what you would naturally do when faced with a dead thing)

So we pay our 3 euros and go in. 

OMFG! the horror! 

There were literally HUNDREDS of bodies lining the walls...they were all dressed in their old clothes and some of them even had hair and skin still.   I shit you not!  Dead people!  Some of them were all hanging like they were talking - so of course Josh has to comment that they totally were all chatting and moving around, but the sun came up so now they're waiting for the place to close (which was like in 10 minutes at the time) until they wake up again. 

So now I'm all freaked out and I want out of there.  PLUS, the guy at the cashier's desk said that "there was something in the air and the soil" in that location that rapidly mummified the people -  so then I'm TOTALLY holding my breath because I'm sure that I'm mummifying as I'm walking through the place. 

Luckily, I didn't mummify and nobody came back from the dead.  We totally took pics (even though we weren't supposed to do so because we're AMERICANs and we're tacky)....but I'm freaked out by the pics.  UGGH.

Will post pics of Italy for your viewing pleasure whenever josh sends them to me in a format that I can easily post.  Until such time, assume it was waaay cool and now I'm back in hell.

You may resume your pity.

23 comments:

Travel & Dive Girl said...

Welcome back. I SO want to see pictures of the dead people!

Just for the record - it wasn't me posting in Chinese. I barely speak English myself and it's the Canadian kind, so I guess I might as well be speaking Chinese - eh?

Sorry you're back in Hell, but so am I. I live in Canada remember.

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

I'm glad you are back!!!! I'm also glad you didn't get mummified. You are so lucky because if it were ME...I would soooo have been mumified because that is the luck I have.
It sucks that the dead people didn't come alive though. I'da killed to see that! Hahahaha!! I crack myself up.

franzi said...

what f*ing cave is that? they have dead people hanging there? i shouldn't have read this before bedtime...

franzi

Captain Dumbass said...

Hanging dead people from the wall? I'd never thought of that. I usually just bury them in the back yard, but it would be much easier to prop them up somewhere. I could just claim they were art. Thanks.

Oh, I get a ton of Chinese links in one of my posts. It's all links to porn though so I don't complain.

staceyjwarner said...

OMG, you crack me up! I hope you are going to post pictures of the dead people! I want to see them. Does that make me sick?

LOL!

much love,

Fragrant Liar said...

I love dead people. I am related to a whole bunch, but I don't know them. I just know they are all dead to me now. I'm sure my mom has a bunch of pics. If you want to see dead people, I mean, I can arrange it.

Anyway, glad you're back. It's been so dead around here, I've resorted to writing shit in Chinese.

Frau said...

Welcome back I thought you were dead! You and your humor were missed!

lakeviewer said...

Michel, You still got It! I missed you, for some reason. Now, you went to Sicily and saw dead people in catacombs. You are not a typical tourist, are you?

blognut said...

Awesome! Welcome back, Michel!

Incidentally, I think dead people are way cool. I have a whole collection of them buried out back, but I'm not supposed to talk about it because the voices tell me I will get into trouble if I bring it up, so pretend I didn't do it and, whatever you do, don't tell the voices I told you.

Suzy said...

Welcome home!

otin said...

WoooHooo Michel's back! I was tired of only reading happy people's blogs! :))

Rita said...

Top of the Spanish Steps? It wasn't Anna Maniera's was it? I was there in April and it was WONDERFUL, especially because we had, up until then, stayed in small tiny places (but also wonderful) in Venice, Cinque Terre and Volterra.

As to the dead people, we decided to see the Capuchin Monk place in Rome. Those people had to be serial killers, they made decorations of all kinds out of the bones. Things like hearts out of the disks in dead monk's spines. Felt very Jeffrey Dalhmer-ish.

McGillicutty said...

Holy crap, you HAVE to post the dead people and DO NOT wait until next Halloween!!!! sounds like you had a good time once you got there!!

Beth said...

So, you and that dude from the 6th Sense have something in common.

Glad you are back! We missed you!

Paige said...

I got in the worst trouble of my young life at the Spanish Steps when I was 16. Ah, the memories!

I cannot wait to see the dead people

mo.stoneskin said...

Catacombs freak me out, you'd be lucky if I didn't scream like a baby down there.

But where have you been hon?

I don't think it was me leaving comments in Chinese. For starters, I don't speak Chinese. But if it turns out it was me in a freak internationalised keyboard incident I wholeheartedly apologise.

Gaston Studio said...

Welcome back, sugar!

I so envy you for having gone to Sicily; have gone to Italy many times, but never Sicily, so right now, I hate you.

The catacombs sound fascinating and am so glad you held your breath while walking thru them. The last thing we need is lamenting from you about how difficult it is to live and work in Khartoum while having to maintain mummy status too.

Dee-Zigns Handcrafted Jewelry said...

Welcome back, even though I've been MIA for quite a while :).

What is the deal with the weird chinese comments? I thought it was just me, so if I'd only been visiting my blog buds I would have realized he/she was doing it to other people's blogs.

I beg you, please don't post photos of those dead people, it will totally freak me out and now I'll be scared to return thinking those photos will be waiting for me.

So glad you got a break from your horrible work life to escape to Italy, one of my favorite places, except for the place with the dead people. Will never go there. Not even if it was the only place left in Italy.

Barb said...

Really funny post! Can't wait to see the pictures.

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Hey Otin! Who you callin' happy?

Melissa ~ Wife to 1, Mom to 5 said...

I'm glad you're back. I get tired of stalking your blog only to see an old post... not being patient, I hit refresh 9,871 times before giving up and trying again later. Ha.

Susan said...

Dead people hanging from the walls is grody cool. It'll probably happen to my kids over Christmas break.

rxBambi said...

Oh I SO SO wanted to go to the catacombs, but we couldnt for some reason that I don't remember. It was a few years ago and I'm old. sue me.
I emailed you... you didn't respond. Therefore you might be dead to me to. With your hair and skin still on.

glad youre back. I missed ya. And I'm jealous that you got to go to Italy. But I'm not jealous that youre in Sudan. Sorry.