Tuesday, December 22, 2009

True(ish) Confessions

As you likely already know, it is the Christmas Holiday Season.  Some of you (or me) might call it the Christmas Cookie and Candy  Season.  I gotta admit - I totally HEART Christmas Cookie and Candy Season.  However, (apparently) Christmas Cookie and Candy Season does not heart me. 

Take yesterday for instance.  Yesterday at work people brought in their Christmas cookies.  Because I'm such a kind and giving person, I "tasted" the Christmas gifts (I mean, it would be totally RUDE not to do so) - but in the interest of full disclosure, I did NOT taste the Christmas FRUIT CAKE brought to us by our "friends" (and, after they gave us effin fruit cake, I use the term loosely) the British. 

Frankly, the Brits have now fallen in my esteem - NOBODY likes that shit man! Don't try to fob that crap off on us - so that they are just above Canada *gasp*...  AND, I'm not really sure what on earth the UK could do to repair the damage that was done with that fruitcake...even your "christmas glaze" that you tried to pour on top of it could not hide the neon "fruit" neslted inside it.  That SHIT IS JUST NASTY!

Don't ever do that again! Make no mistake...We'll go to war with you again (or, maybe just I will..but I bet I could talk my friend Liz into joining me).  We don't negotiate with terrorists that give fruitcake.

SO ANYWAY, let's just say I had more than 4 cookies yesterday (and when I say "4", I mean probably more like "72"...WHAT!? it's RUDE not to eat Christmas Cookies! Jebus would want us to have them!!!) So today, I VOWED that I would NOT eat 72 christmas cookies. 

I avoided the kitchen/breakroom. 

I avoided the snack-table at lunch.

I brought one of the 100 calorie "grasshopper" cookies courtesy of the Keebler Elves. ... EXCUSE ME...when did the Keebler Elves start making Button sized (or elves sized) cookies and then claiming they're good enough to stop the christmas cookies (well, technically, I guess they didn't CLAIM that, but I totally thought they did..that counts too).   SO WTF KEEBLER!?  7 small buttons of crunchy stuff with a "hint" of cookie is not acceptable. 


That shit should have to have a warning posted on the side:  WARNING:  Attempted consumption of this produce will cause unspeakable outrage and uncontrollable anger.  Just skip it.  You're better off eating a real damn cookie.


Dear Keebler Elves,

I am in receipt of your Right Bites, 100 Calorie pack of Grasshopper Cookies.  I would like to advise you that when people choose a "100 Calorie Pack" they want you to make the calories fit the cookies, not the cookies fit the calories. 

I hope your tree catches on fire and you all burn in a fiery ball of flame -- and your 7 button-sized hint of cookie flavor cookies too!!!

Wishing you and yours the merriest of Chistmas and Happy Holidays,



Dear Santa,

Please bring me a box of Adderall.  I have been such a good person this year that I ate waay too many cookies and now my pants don't fit (and it's not even Christmas yet).  I don't think it is fair that I should be punished for being kind to my fellow man.  Also, remember when I made Rice Krispy Treats for the local guards and then wanted to take them back because I remembered how much I loved Rice Krispy Treats and that marshmallows had to be imported into Sudan, but then I DIDN'T TAKE THEM BACK (because they already saw me coming)?!? 

That should totally count for something.  Please make it the strongest Adderall you can find.  We've got a LOT of work to do!

Best Wishes this Holiday Season,


PS Don't hire any of those Keebler Elves.  I'm not sure if you are aware or not, but they do really crappy work.  I question their upbringing.  Your elves would NEVER put out such a crappy product!


Oh My Goddess said...

I hear there are 100 calorie packs of fruit cake available in Britain made by the Keebler elves who were dismissed here in the states due to their Royalist ways.

You are right. We should invade. Let's get Otin too.

Mama Zen said...

Let the Keebler elves eat fruitcake!

Brian Miller said...

fruitcake is nasty...i think it should be fed to prisoners...or maybe thats what i feel like when they break it out at christmas.

cookies on the other hand...i might have had a hard time stopping at 72...

Anonymous said...

Christmas cookies are the best! I thought fruitcake went out like 25 years ago or more. That stuff is terrible!!!! Glad you didn't eat any of it. I hear it makes you age faster.

mo.stoneskin said...

Well if I've fallen from your esteem then we, my dear, are well and truly over. Humph.

Viv said...

I made something like 7 different batches of GFCF gingerbread cookie dough, trying to find one that we could make a gingerbread house out of. I failed. As a result, I had gingerbread cookies for breakfast three days this week, and then today I gave up and just ate the raw dough for breakfast.

blognut said...

Yippee! *clapping loudly and jumping up and down*

I'm getting Adderal for Christmas! You know I've been asking for it all year, and Santa already agreed to bring ME all of YOUR presents, Michel. Thank you so much for tacking this onto your list at the last minute, because I really never even thought of asking Santa for it!

Oh, by the way, you may have missed this post, but I already apologized to you so you can't be mad, okay?

Pastor Sharon said...

You have caused me to laugh way too hard. . . . burning down the tree of the Keebler elves. . . . they are harmless little fruitcakes themselves.

You do have a great point with those bite size cookies that could cause a preacher to do mean things upon taking the last morsel called a cookie out of a bag!

I thought fruit cakes came in the shape and size of a brick just to be used as a door stop. . . . people actually eat those things? Oh snap!

Fragrant Liar said...

Oh, oh, oh! Pick me, pick me! I will join you in hand-to-hand combat against ANYbody who pawns that fruitcrack on the world. THAT is an unspeakable outrage! Is it the elves? Hmm? You KNOW it is. Elves present all cute and shit, but really, they are diabolical asshats, and I am totally repulsed by their underhanded low-cal tactics. Good god, people! Let's storm the Keebler castle! Who's with me!?

Fragrant Liar said...

P.S. You totally should have pulled the Rice Krispy Treats. They are made by elves too.

Beth said...

You should totally act like you like the fruitcake so that you can hord that crap for ammunition. Just think of all the cars and tanks you could wipe out with those fruit bombs.

Captain Dumbass said...

You ate all those cookies before you wrote this, right?

PS, I found the perfect location to model my gift.

Together We Save said...

Just stopping by to wish you a very Merry Christmas!!

Santa Claus said...

HO HO HO! Merry Christmas from me and Otin!

I cannot get any adderall!

I hate that candied fruit crap, also!

prashant said...

You ate all those cookies before you wrote this,
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