As you likely already know, it is the Christmas Holiday Season. Some of you (or me) might call it the Christmas Cookie and Candy Season. I gotta admit - I totally HEART Christmas Cookie and Candy Season. However, (apparently) Christmas Cookie and Candy Season does not heart me.
Take yesterday for instance. Yesterday at work people brought in their Christmas cookies. Because I'm such a kind and giving person, I "tasted" the Christmas gifts (I mean, it would be totally RUDE not to do so) - but in the interest of full disclosure, I did NOT taste the Christmas FRUIT CAKE brought to us by our "friends" (and, after they gave us effin fruit cake, I use the term loosely) the British.
Frankly, the Brits have now fallen in my esteem - NOBODY likes that shit man! Don't try to fob that crap off on us - so that they are just above Canada *gasp*... AND, I'm not really sure what on earth the UK could do to repair the damage that was done with that fruitcake...even your "christmas glaze" that you tried to pour on top of it could not hide the neon "fruit" neslted inside it. That SHIT IS JUST NASTY!
Don't ever do that again! Make no mistake...We'll go to war with you again (or, maybe just I will..but I bet I could talk my friend Liz into joining me). We don't negotiate with terrorists that give fruitcake.
SO ANYWAY, let's just say I had more than 4 cookies yesterday (and when I say "4", I mean probably more like "72"...WHAT!? it's RUDE not to eat Christmas Cookies! Jebus would want us to have them!!!) So today, I VOWED that I would NOT eat 72 christmas cookies.
I avoided the kitchen/breakroom.
I avoided the snack-table at lunch.
I brought one of the 100 calorie "grasshopper" cookies courtesy of the Keebler Elves. ... EXCUSE ME...when did the Keebler Elves start making Button sized (or elves sized) cookies and then claiming they're good enough to stop the christmas cookies (well, technically, I guess they didn't CLAIM that, but I totally thought they did..that counts too). SO WTF KEEBLER!? 7 small buttons of crunchy stuff with a "hint" of cookie is not acceptable.
RIGHT BITES MY ASS! EFF YOU, KEEBLER!
That shit should have to have a warning posted on the side: WARNING: Attempted consumption of this produce will cause unspeakable outrage and uncontrollable anger. Just skip it. You're better off eating a real damn cookie.
Dear Keebler Elves,
I am in receipt of your Right Bites, 100 Calorie pack of Grasshopper Cookies. I would like to advise you that when people choose a "100 Calorie Pack" they want you to make the calories fit the cookies, not the cookies fit the calories.
I hope your tree catches on fire and you all burn in a fiery ball of flame -- and your 7 button-sized hint of cookie flavor cookies too!!!
Wishing you and yours the merriest of Chistmas and Happy Holidays,
Please bring me a box of Adderall. I have been such a good person this year that I ate waay too many cookies and now my pants don't fit (and it's not even Christmas yet). I don't think it is fair that I should be punished for being kind to my fellow man. Also, remember when I made Rice Krispy Treats for the local guards and then wanted to take them back because I remembered how much I loved Rice Krispy Treats and that marshmallows had to be imported into Sudan, but then I DIDN'T TAKE THEM BACK (because they already saw me coming)?!?
That should totally count for something. Please make it the strongest Adderall you can find. We've got a LOT of work to do!
Best Wishes this Holiday Season,
PS Don't hire any of those Keebler Elves. I'm not sure if you are aware or not, but they do really crappy work. I question their upbringing. Your elves would NEVER put out such a crappy product!
Sometimes? I'm Judgmental. Also, Seattle!
13 hours ago