It's Like the Make A Wish Foundation -- But for Losers

Okay, so if you guys did as you were TOLD (which I frankly won't hold you to, because I NEVER do extra stuff when nobody can check my work) you'd know that Oprah's people contacted Comedy Goddess and let her know that their committee selected HER as one of only TWO Special Ambassadors to BlogHer '09! The other "special" Ambassador?? ME!

I'm sorry! Did you hear me??? I SAID ME! (and you know that ME is totally my favorite subject!)

Naturally, when I was first contacted by Ms. Alicia Swington at "O" Magazine, I figured it was a hoax. I deleted her email and marked it as spam....because (of course) nobody from Oprah would contact me! But then when chatting with the her Holiness, Ms. CG, (FYI, we were informed that fellow bloggers would need to refer to us as either Ms. Ambassador and/or Your Holiness for the rest of this year and/or until we are booted as Ambassadors for conduct unbecoming of an Ambassador.) we realized that it was NOT a hoax and we were CHOSEN as one of the cool kids.

WE were two of Oprah's favorite things!!!

ANYWAY, last night we arrived in Chicago and were given VIP passes to the pre-convention parties so that the VIPs could meet their hosts and potential sponsors.

-- We were met in the Lobby of the hotel by our personal fashion consultant from Ann Taylor. We were allowed to pick out an outfit for our guest appearance. Let's just say...I did not even GLANCE at the sale rack!

-- Before the pre-party, CG and I headed straight to the open bar and started drinking martinis (I'm dirty, she's with a twist, in case you decide to host us at your homes) -- a LOT of martinis (THEY WERE FREE! FOCUS PEOPLE) Besides, I kinda need to ingest a little bit of liquid courage as I was still assuming this was some kind of Punked episode and the Chicago PD was going to bust up into the hotel and arrest us for stealing services, clothing and booze....

-- After about 4 martinis I spotted Stephen Colbert who was there that evening doing interviews of bloggers. CG and I made a bee-line because he was totally on my laminated list! I chattered at him non-stop. I might have spit some martini in his face when he said something funny; however, as I get really charming and witty when I drink, I can only assume he would have left his wife and kids for me, had he not had to return to NYC.

-- CG was asked to advertise for Nike. There was a moment of confusion until I realized that she was blabbing on about doing a marathon. Turns out she was talking about a marathon of Lifetime made for TV movies (and I mean, COME ON! Who hasn't done one of those!) But now she's going to do some goggle ads for Nike on the net. Whatever. close enough

-- THEN, I totally spotted a picture of what looked like Little Debbie. There was a tall man standing near it - assuming there might be free samples, I made a beeline for the picture (I may have knocked over an old lady using a walker, but the bitch wouldn't get out of the way!! Everyone knows free samples go like hotcakes at these type of things!) When I got there, I realized it was just a stupid sign. So I started bitching about how Little Debbie is a cheap whore who never stays around after a night of drinking -- and/or after I open the box. The man looked at me strangely...so I began to wax poetic about how I have loved Little Debbie my whole life long, but how I can never seem to keep her around.

I'm now the new spokesperson for Little Debbie. They're going to re-design my blog and put some little debbie nonsense on it. Sadly though, they did not offer me a year's supply. I can only assume that the man realized that my definition of "year's supply" would likely differ greatly from theirs.

The rest of the night was kind of a blur....we arrived home with lots of swag bags - although, I think we might have stolen them. Let's just all agree not to bring it up if you see us. I also think they think we were going to speak to one of the sessions for humor bloggers. Someone probably should have mentioned this sooner. We're both not really sure what the hell we're going to talk about.

Anyway, feel free to say hey if you see us on Friday at the Oprah booth! Naturally, we will pretend like we've never seen you before (especially if Oprah - or anyone who might know or live near Oprah is nearby), but it's not personal. It's simply because we're totally better than you guys now.

Little Debbie and Nike have spoken. We ROCK! As such, I think it would just be for the best if nobody questions their judgment.