Thursday, July 23, 2009

It's Like the Make A Wish Foundation -- But for Losers

Okay, so if you guys did as you were TOLD (which I frankly won't hold you to, because I NEVER do extra stuff when nobody can check my work) you'd know that Oprah's people contacted Comedy Goddess and let her know that their committee selected HER as one of only TWO Special Ambassadors to BlogHer '09! The other "special" Ambassador?? ME!

I'm sorry! Did you hear me??? I SAID ME! (and you know that ME is totally my favorite subject!)

Naturally, when I was first contacted by Ms. Alicia Swington at "O" Magazine, I figured it was a hoax. I deleted her email and marked it as spam....because (of course) nobody from Oprah would contact me! But then when chatting with the her Holiness, Ms. CG, (FYI, we were informed that fellow bloggers would need to refer to us as either Ms. Ambassador and/or Your Holiness for the rest of this year and/or until we are booted as Ambassadors for conduct unbecoming of an Ambassador.) we realized that it was NOT a hoax and we were CHOSEN as one of the cool kids.

WE were two of Oprah's favorite things!!!


ANYWAY, last night we arrived in Chicago and were given VIP passes to the pre-convention parties so that the VIPs could meet their hosts and potential sponsors.

-- We were met in the Lobby of the hotel by our personal fashion consultant from Ann Taylor. We were allowed to pick out an outfit for our guest appearance. Let's just say...I did not even GLANCE at the sale rack!

-- Before the pre-party, CG and I headed straight to the open bar and started drinking martinis (I'm dirty, she's with a twist, in case you decide to host us at your homes) -- a LOT of martinis (THEY WERE FREE! FOCUS PEOPLE) Besides, I kinda need to ingest a little bit of liquid courage as I was still assuming this was some kind of Punked episode and the Chicago PD was going to bust up into the hotel and arrest us for stealing services, clothing and booze....

-- After about 4 martinis I spotted Stephen Colbert who was there that evening doing interviews of bloggers. CG and I made a bee-line because he was totally on my laminated list! I chattered at him non-stop. I might have spit some martini in his face when he said something funny; however, as I get really charming and witty when I drink, I can only assume he would have left his wife and kids for me, had he not had to return to NYC.

-- CG was asked to advertise for Nike. There was a moment of confusion until I realized that she was blabbing on about doing a marathon. Turns out she was talking about a marathon of Lifetime made for TV movies (and I mean, COME ON! Who hasn't done one of those!) But now she's going to do some goggle ads for Nike on the net. Whatever. close enough

-- THEN, I totally spotted a picture of what looked like Little Debbie. There was a tall man standing near it - assuming there might be free samples, I made a beeline for the picture (I may have knocked over an old lady using a walker, but the bitch wouldn't get out of the way!! Everyone knows free samples go like hotcakes at these type of things!) When I got there, I realized it was just a stupid sign. So I started bitching about how Little Debbie is a cheap whore who never stays around after a night of drinking -- and/or after I open the box. The man looked at me strangely...so I began to wax poetic about how I have loved Little Debbie my whole life long, but how I can never seem to keep her around.

I'm now the new spokesperson for Little Debbie. They're going to re-design my blog and put some little debbie nonsense on it. Sadly though, they did not offer me a year's supply. I can only assume that the man realized that my definition of "year's supply" would likely differ greatly from theirs.

The rest of the night was kind of a blur....we arrived home with lots of swag bags - although, I think we might have stolen them. Let's just all agree not to bring it up if you see us. I also think they think we were going to speak to one of the sessions for humor bloggers. Someone probably should have mentioned this sooner. We're both not really sure what the hell we're going to talk about.

Anyway, feel free to say hey if you see us on Friday at the Oprah booth! Naturally, we will pretend like we've never seen you before (especially if Oprah - or anyone who might know or live near Oprah is nearby), but it's not personal. It's simply because we're totally better than you guys now.

Little Debbie and Nike have spoken. We ROCK! As such, I think it would just be for the best if nobody questions their judgment.

47 comments:

Reddirt Woman said...

first?

Reddirt Woman said...

No shit!!!

Reddirt Woman said...

I'm never first or second or third...

Reddirt Woman said...

Now this is more like it.

Better being called "your holiness" than "your assholiness..."

Enjoy your 'party' and all your 'swag'.

Helen

otin said...

I'll need to wait a minute before making a comment, I am on the phone with Jessica Alba! LOL!

Reddirt Woman said...

Tell Jess I said hello...

darsden said...

yea I am talking to Johnny Depp myself I will get back to you...what's that johnny sure I can do that for ya..I will rub anything you want ;-)

Hit 40 said...

Sorry I am late too. I was out partying with Mary Louis Parker and Jenji Kohan. They want to give my site a "Weeds" make over.

otin said...

Darsden, did you get invited to the White House for dinner? I did! hehe!

rxBambi said...

Umm...do we need to talk about your meds again? tomorrow is friday...

Smart Mouth Broad said...

But I'm the winnah! I'm sitting at the table with Paula Deen and all of her buttery goodness.

Fragrant Liar said...

What? It's not for reals? I was so picturing you on the Little Debbie billboards, a cupcake thingy dangling from your teeth, with a vodka chaser in your hand. I'm so bummed.

And just in case it IS for reals, you are my favorite blogger. Besides me.

Nanc Twop said...

Congrats on being picked by the little queen of little cakes.

*Far be it from us to question the judgment of a corporate icon who is how old and yet still calls herself 'Little Debbie'?

Her mom must be 'Ginormous Debbie'.

Captain Dumbass said...

Stephen Colbert? Really?

♥ Braja said...

Who's Oprah?

♥ Braja said...

Is she, like, little Debbie's fat sister?

Actually, who the hell is little Debbie? Is she really little or is it a joke about her weight?

darsden said...

otin-yes, I did see ya there...

SMB-bring me some fried chicken girl friend...

Braja-oprah's fat sister bawhahahaahahahah

blognut said...

Oprah's people called and said she is super pissed off that you were trying to schmooze the Little Debbie people. Apparently she feels that you have eaten into her supply of the stuff and Little Debbie can't produce enough to keep you both happy. Oprah has entered into contracts to purchase Little Debbie and intends to have all of the deliveries made directly to her home from now until eternity.

Henceforth, you will be banned from eating anything from Little Debbie and will be forced to switch your loyalties to Dolly Madison snacks.

darsden said...

blognut-that is some funny Chit woman...dolly madisons...yea lets mail her some of those..bawhahahahahaha

Pastor Sharon said...

Well, move it on over Miss "Holier than thou!" You better be prayed up because I'm doing the invocation tomorrow and I plan to have an "OLD FASHION" altar call for everyone who got skunked at the Martini bar!!!!! So, if you ain't got yore kleenex and bible, you better take the subway down to the nearest CVS and load up! I believe you can get both those up close to the front check out! Now hop to it, missy!

tera said...

Now, you see, I'm just not going to believe another word out of your mouth (so to speak). I will however continue to read your fabrications and hyperbole (see the big words? geez, I feel so smart!) because you make me laugh.
Love ya!

Comedy Goddess said...

It's such a whirlwind I can barely keep up with myself!

Stephen is a gem, isn't he?

Suzy said...

Well congratulations to the both of you!!

mo.stoneskin said...

Blah blah blah, you celebrities thing you rule the world...

;op

A "dirty" Martini? What, "dishwasher out of rinsaid" kind of dirty?

Gaston Studio said...

OMG Otin and Dar, I saw you BOTH at the White House Dinner. Dar, you were wearing that aqua sweater-thingie and Otin, you had a striped cat wrapped around your neck...somewhat like Blognut with her yellow snake.

kwr221 said...

Pictures, photos, come'on...PICTURES.
We (I) need to see what's going ON there!

And proof. Not that we don't trust you, but this is too good to be true.

And the pics would be entertaining.

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Simply awesome! :)
Hallie

Dingo said...

Okay, after marking all as read on the tons of BlogHer '09 posts in my reader, this one I had to read all the way through. Because deleting Oprah, giving Colbert a martini shower, and stalking Little Debbie in one post? How could I resist.

lakeviewer said...

Now, just remember who loves you, with or without the new wardrobe.

Beth said...

It is probably a good thing you didn't get a years supply of Little Debbie snacks. Unless, of course, you don't mind being the spokesperson for Slim Fast the following year.

Jersey Girl said...

God, you had me going!! You & CG are two superb masters of fabrication. I was already setting my DVR to record Oprah for the next few weeks. It's not for nothing that, under my pic in my HS yearbook, I was described as "gullible."

Jason, as himself said...

I KNEW this had to be a fabrication! But if this could have really happened to anyone, it would have been you!

Optimistic Pessimist said...

So wait...you're one of Oprah's favorite things? I'm confused...how the hell did this happen??!!!! Did you sell your soul? You sold it didn't you??? I am begining to wonder if Little Debbie is the devil...for real!

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Who the fuck is Little Debbie?

Michele said...

Congrats on the ambassadorship. Perfectly understandable if you ignored me at Blogher. Oh wait, I didn't go. Still understandable.

PS: I like how you spell your name. :-)

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

Ok this is too hilarious.

Pearl said...

Was that you?! I thought so! I was going to stop by but William Shatner -- you know Bill, right? -- totally hogged my time. I just could not get away from that man!!

Pearl

p.s. This was hilarious!

Tiffany said...

that was a greatttt read! first time on your blog - and it's great!

blognut said...

Now I'm all worried that Pearl got her time hogged up by William Shatner.

What does that mean? Does she like this man, or is she saying he is a hog?

'Cause really, I don't think I would enjoy time spent with William Shatner. And also? I think he has some sort of pole shoved up his butt 'cause I've never seen a human being look less bendable than he does.

blognut said...

And now I almost forgot why I came here today.

It was for this:

HOW THE HECK LONG ARE YOU GOING TO STAY HOLED UP IN THAT HOTEL ROOM WITH JOSH? DON'T YOU REALIZE THAT YOU HAVE RESPONSIBILITIES TO THE BLOGOSPHERE?

Pffftt!

Captain Dumbass said...

Where the hell are you? It's like you ran off to Africa or... nevermind.

Hit 40 said...

You and Josh are having a fabulous time!!! Enjoy :-)

otin said...

I will pretend that you posted something and comment on it like you know I would!

Yea, like they are going to change international laws to make sure that you can import cakes! LOL!

I hope that you are having a good time!

Kelly's Ideas said...

Little Debbie and Nike great combo - Debbie gets you fat so you have to buy Nike to get rid of your newly enlarged butt... but hey way to go... just a little jealous... I love love Debbie..
Love,
kelly

Heidi said...

Oooh I want to be Mrs. Hostess!! I always say "A Devil Dog a day keeps the doctor away!" Then my kids correct me and tell me some bullshit about an apple.
I will worship you and CG forever!

CK Lunchbox said...

wow, that's amazing - I go away for a couple weeks and all hell breaks loose. I am thrilled for you. Kuddos.

♥ Braja said...

You missed my revealing post....i'm in the airport at Bangkok on my way to Oz, telling you all this. See how much I care????