Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Today, My Suspicions were Confirmed!

So today I was hanging around downtown DC pretty much on and off all day while I waited for random people to be ready to "see" me. Apparently, word has gotten out that one might need to prepare themselves to deal with me on a one-on-one basis. (For the record, I would like to note that you're probably not ever going to be adequately prepared for any meeting in which I am a participant. I suspect it is best to just get it over with as quickly as possible....kinda like ripping off a band aid...)

Anyway, so as I was hanging around by myself doing my favorite hobby -- people watching -- or, as I like to call it, playing Judgey McJudy -- it came to me; I'm a Bitch.

Now I know that many of you may have suspected as much (and I fear my parents will likely be disappointed to have their suspicions confirmed publicly) but I now know it's true. How do I know this you ask? Well, besides, the obvious bitch-like tendencies I exhibit on a daily basis, I observed the following scenario:

I'm sitting outside of Caribou Coffee, minding my own business - with nowhere to go and pretty much nothing to do until my 3:00 meeting -- and I spotted a very rare species in downtown DC (and not on a crazy homeless person, mind you) I spotted a woman (with a high end name-brand purse, which made it all the more rare and confusing) wearing what appeared to be a peach skirt and a mint green blouse, paired with a banana clip and tennis shoes with scrunchy socks a la Summer, 1984!!!

So I judged. And then I immediately began to search for my cell phone. MY GOD! I had to call someone!! The 80s were not only alive and well, they were coming back to haunt me!!!

Then I remembered two things: (1) Who the hell am I gonna call? (Minoy actually works and Liz moved to Naples - probably to get away from my constant phone calls and text messages.... ); and (2) I don't have a cell phone here in the states anymore.

So then as I sat all by myself, I contemplated my bitchiness. Why the hell can't I just let that pass?? What is WRONG with me?!

SO, I decided to do something about it. I was going to (once again) attempt to be a better person. I was going to be nicer to people. I was going to be kind to strangers and not be so judgey!

And then two tourists approached me and ruined it all.

Seriously, God is clearly Eff'in with me!! Right after I made my promise to try to be a better person, two ladies sat down at the table with me. THEY SERIOUSLY JUST SAT RIGHT DOWN...and there were OPEN TABLES. (I have issues with my personal space) One lady asked me if I lived in DC, and without waiting for my answer proceeded to tell me that they were here from Iowa and that DC sure had changed since the last time they were here back in 1987 (amazingly enough, they were NOT wearing the 80s ensemble above) and how they didn't think there would be a Caribou Coffee here in DC, although they knew that there was PROBABLY going to be a Starbucks (there is a Starbucks in Baghdad PEOPLE! DC is not a stretch), they were surprised to see a Caribou Coffee.

Then they asked me if it had the same things on the menu.

I was wrong. I cannot be a better person. I'm a bitch and I need to just own it. I have no patience, and I have become the rude stereotypical east coast city dweller. I should just get a cell phone and simply call Minoy's voice mail to inform her of my newest 80s sighting in public.

I'll just be kind to animals instead. I think that's the best we can hope for at this point. (But not spiders!! I'm just trying to be a little better - I'm not running for JESUS!)

40 comments:

darsden said...

see I told you long ago..but no you insisted you were just whiney

darsden said...

First HA OTIN HIT 40 HA

darsden said...

oh and being kind to animals yes you have done that by leaving your dogs here while you are in Sudan!

darsden said...

No, really I mean it..it's to friggin hot over there for those babies and then having to deal with all the dingo's over there! Plastic plants for the yard to play with...yep you are trying!

darsden said...

YOU can always call me :-)) I won't answer...but you can call none the less

where the hell is everybody..next quints going to arrgh me again for commenting too much.

otin said...

You are a bitch! (just helping you out here again!) I will never sit at a counter in any kind of public place for fear of someone sitting beside me. Those words that come out of everyones mouth that make me cringe.... How's it going? It was going fine a few minutes ago, when I could move my arm without rubbing against yours! Next time you sit next to Eileen! HAHAHA!!!!!

Reddirt Woman said...

Hmmm... I thought you had two legs...

Reddirt Woman said...

Did you squat and pee on their post toasties?

Some people. Damn.

tera said...

1: I can't believe you did not include a picture of said 80's-inspired train wreck (did I just say that? Not out loud, did I? Does that mean I'm *gasp* a bitch, too?)
and 2: Let me quote my favorite bumper sticker -
You say "bitch" like that's a bad thing."

Beth said...

You are just honest. Not a bitch.

Beth said...

One of the perks of that 80s ensemble is that she is NOT likely to be hit by a bus.

Quint said...

Arrrgh! Did someone call for me?!

Beth said...

And since you tend to come across as judgey, you might want to consider wearing some really bright colors so that you aren't likely to be run over.

Hit 40 said...

Otin - then you get to sit next to Adam!!! HAHAHA!!!

Darsden - your like ninja blogger the way you have been sneaking in on every post before anyone else. I take it you topped out on the farm game.

Michel - Your a better person than I. I probably would have faked a text and left. What the heck??? How bizarre just sitting down at your table. I am not even so ADD to have made that strange impulsive decision to just park it with you. Maybe they were lesbians checking you out??

Beth said...

On second thought, no need to become a target. Stick with the darker colors.

And carry on with the judgey-ness.

Middle Aged Woman said...

All this time I never realized that Jesus was an elected official!

darsden said...

Quint-LOL see told ya!

Hit 40 not yet level 33 out of 34 honey...

just good.. stealth like

blognut said...

So I am clearly late to this post and all of the good comments are taken. I was going to agree that you are indeed a bitch, and also say that there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with that because...well...so am I. And since I am, there's absolutely NOTHING wrong with it.

And I would have taken a picture of the 80's costume and texted it to someone. And I wouldn't have even tried to hide what I was doing. And when those ladies sat down with me? I would've told them I had swine flu.

Just sayin'.

CarrieAnn said...

There is Starbucks in Baghdad?! But I can't get one in my hometown?! What is that?! And I really would have loved a pic of that hot mess with the banana clip.

Comedy Goddess said...

It's all in how you offer your critiques. Openers like, In my opinion you would look so much more stylish if you traded in the scrunchy socks for peds with pom pom's, nah, just do it your way.

Comedy Goddess said...

Bitchy. Go with bitchy. It works for everyone on Ugly Betty.

♥ Braja said...

I think Jesus stepped on ants

Fragrant Liar said...

See, you have to turn the table on these people. Perhaps you could do what I did recently. I sat in the window area of Katz's Deli in Austin with a sign that said, "People Watching." You can't imagine how many people walking by then stopped to watch ME! When they hold still, you can really get your judgey bitch on without holding back and pretending to be all "What? Me? Lookin' at you?" It's best to be up front about these things. Bonus: when you get hit by that bus, you'll know fer sure who did it.

kristine said...

i vote bitchy too. i would suggest being nice to animals too, though. (stepping on ants is fine) not that i make the rules or anything.

darsden said...

Braja-ooooh you gonna get smoted! I telling the baby Lord Jesus!

Funny how "Bitchy" is now so cool for Michel to be...again I named her that the first blog she did dang it YOU people better recognize WHO the F**K I am Dammit!

Mrs. K said...

I cannot stand it when people crowd me. one time at the beach, this obnoxious family came and sat almost on top of us- and the whole beach was free. we got our stuff and moved about 100 yards away. i'm not one for small talk when not in the mood.

mo.stoneskin said...

I'm with you on the personal space thing. There is a protocol and some people just do not get it. If I had walked in I would have sat in the seat that provided the most personal space for everyone there.

Esmerelda said...

The fact that you questioned your bitchiness shows that you are, in fact, not a bitch. It means that you are ... ... well, I don't know what you are. Assertive? Opinionated? But Bitches are totally unaware of their bitchiness, in my [not so humble and assertive] opinion.

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

You at least didn't have a camera to take a picture of the 80's train wreck? :)

I have issues with my personal space, too... It's amazing that those ladies sat down at your table...of course, my sister lives in Iowa and I could totally see her doing something like that... ;)

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

Wait...is it wrong to be a bitch? Uh-oh, I could be in trouble...

Medora said...

People are so annoying. I would have moved to another table, without saying anything.

lakeviewer said...

Bitchy? Isn't that another word for someone who's paying attention that nothing goes wrong? We pay you to be attentive, quick to judge, noticing stuff.

Hit 40 said...

LOL!!! I love how busy you are now that your back in the states. I think your with Josh now?? Very nice. You should put a sign up on your blog that your "honeymooning" for a while. I'll see you when your back in Sudan!!!

Kelly's Ideas said...

You are so darn funny and I love the fact you say what most of us are thinking!

Love,
Kelly

Gaston Studio said...

Yeah, don't crowd me or I'll TURN bitchy in a heartbeat! How dare those women sit down with you without your permission. I would have gotten up and left without a word to either of them; if they, then, couldn't take a hint, to hell with them.

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Where's your camera? We need visuals, woman! You know you don't need a permit here, right?

Captain Dumbass said...

This post didn't show up in my reader. WTH?

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Yeah, sounds like you need a cell phone, if for no other reason than to vent and also?... because like Smart Mouth Broad said, we need to see the pictures! You want to tell somebody about it and we want to see it - how perfect is that?

Jersey Girl said...

I'm just catching up on my blog reading. First, does anyone NOT think mean thoughts when they see what you saw and second, that question whether the menu was the same, reminds me of a note that came on a fax I received at work - "If you don't receive this, please let me know."
Huh?

Dee-Zigns Handcrafted Jewelry said...

I second SM, we need visuals, it would help us laugh harder! The first time I went to England, sitting alone, and people came and sat down with me. I was shocked! There were open tables, but I was lucky, they didn't talk to me! I was so intimidated, but I was only 23. If that happened today, I'd knock their block off and give them the eyebrow!