Tuesday, July 21, 2009

I Know What REAL Pain Is....

OMFG!!! I think I am a victim of torture!!! I shit you not...today was SOOO damn painful. Not only was it LONG -- I was forced to sit there and pretend to listen for literally eights of hours -- it was also EXTREMELY boring.

Now granted, some of the blame might belong to me -- I SAID MIGHT -- so anyway, YES...I might have ended up watching stupid Mama Mia on HBO for what might have been the 4th time since I arrived here in the States and re-found the TV (what can I say?? That shit is both entertaining and addicting! Although my neighbors in the hotel might not agree with my premise). And said TV watching MIGHT have kept me up until almost midnight on what might have been a school night. This whole perfect shit storm is compounded when you take into consideration that the briefings started at like 0700!! (And let me just interject here....0700!?!?! We're the USG! WTF!?)

Anyway, so my point is (and I think I might have one) I started my day out very sleepy. It just got worse from there!

I arrived early enough to get a cup of coffee. I elbowed my way to the front and grabbed the last of the paper cups and took what sounded like it might have also been the last cup of coffee -- ha HA SUCKAHS! You snooze, you lose!

Now since this is ME we're talking about here (and I mean really, have we EVER talked about anything or anyone else? Why are you guys surprised by this at this stage?) Anyway, I started to suspect foul play about 15 minutes into the first speaker when my eyes started to roll back into my head. Do you remember when you were in school and you were trying to pay attention, but you have to focus all your energy on keeping your eyes open?! Well, take that feeling and times it by five! That was me today!!!

So I'm sitting there, willing my eyes to remain open and they totally went out of focus! So then I started to worry that maybe my eyes had crossed - because it was all blurry and I was seeing like two of everything. But I couldn't seem to focus them again! I couldn't keep them open AND focused! However, I was too scared to close them for fear that I would fall into a deep sleep and fall off my chair and hit my head on the table, knocking out a front tooth, effectively rendering me hideous and witch-like for my re-introduction to my husband on Friday -- I simply couldn't risk it I tell you!!! I was forced to suffer in silence - although there might have been some sighing going on....

SO THEN I was all worried that the speaker was actually looking at me and my eyes were all glassy and crossed-- because it LOOKED like the stupid person was looking at me!! But I couldn't be sure because I was so damn tired and they were sounding like Charlie Brown's teacher.... So I then started to fidget in my chair -- which immediately made me have to go to the bathroom.

The speakers blathered on about something -- I'm honestly not really sure what they were talking about. Seriously, I am pretty sure that they were speaking English as I thought I understood what the individual words themselves meant - but when they're all together? no clue.

This literally went on for about 2 hours before they gave us a break. By this time, I was literally praying for death or some kind of terrorist attack so that I could get out of my chair. Luckily, it didn't come to that - they gave us a 10 minute break (WTF USG!? TEN MINUTES? Have some damn pity of those of us who are actively praying for death...) and I could use the restroom. As such, I didn't come to social ruin this morning...there is still till the end of the week though - give it time.

ANYWAY, when I arrived back in the room I went back to get another cup of coffee -- hoping that they had refilled the stupid pot - and I noticed that the coffee pot I hogged earlier was DECAF! (DAMNITT! When will I learn not to be all piggy!?)

WTF!?! WHO THE HELL MAKES DECAF!? If you're not drinking coffee for the caffeine, you should just have a damn glass of juice! DO NOT clog up the area with that damn decaf. MAKE TWO EFF'IN POTS OF REGULAR COFFEE IN THE AM...ESPECIALLY if you're going to make us sit through people reading off of power point presentations that they obviously have never seen prior to its projection on the big screen!

I shit you not, one guy seemed almost surprised by the information on the screen. (Now I kinda wonder what he was saying -- I really should ask someone). So fast forward 8 hours and 10 cups of caffeinated coffee later - I'm sitting in my hotel room...wide awake....watching Mama Mia!!

So when you're near me, Darling can't you hear me..SOS....

I might need some kind of Abba Intervention.

31 comments:

Braja said...

HEY!! I drink decaf, missy....don't send ME to the juice bar, girly....
Caffeine is ick. Gives me headaches. Of course, I also go to sleep before midnight. Cos I get up at 3.30 or 4. Oh baby yeah, you'd NEED caffeine in my world...:)))

otin said...

And our foreign relations are in your hands??? No wonder the rest of the world hates us! LMFAO!! Maybe you should eat more mustard!

otin said...

Take that Darsden and The crazy cat woman!!!!!

otin said...

2nd and third and fourth!

Char said...

Funny stuff, as always.
Braja--You must stay up 24-7! You're first, no matter the time!

darsden said...

I quit

bernthis said...

I don't drink coffee. What would you suggest I do as you and I have a very similar tempermant. I'm doomed...this is why I haven't had a "real" job in a while. Commercials are made for people like me to do.

Mrs. K said...

Two words-

RED BULL

in my quest to give up diet coke and sweets I found this sugar free beverage and it keeps me so alert I was actually efficient on Monday at work.

Hit 40 said...

Mrs. K - you may be my hero. Forget Michel. Sugar free and lots of caffeine. I am going to check this out tomorrow.

Michel - Suck it up!!!

♥ Braja said...

Char, I sleep, baby, don't worry :) I'm often first because of the time difference....that's all....I'm on in the morning when people post at night, and often when people post-date their posts (so much POST!) then I get it cos I'm awake. This all makes sense to nut-hording ego-free squirrels of the light brown persuasion.

blognut said...

Decaf coffee? Well that is sick and wrong. Why bother at all?

There should be a coffee line for the regular folks, and a juice line for the sissy folks. Right?

Pastor Sharon said...

Well this post certainly brought back my eleventh grade English/Grammar class! It was the first class of the day. It was the class I didn't have to crack a book to make good grades in. However, you wouldn't know that to look at my posts and comments now.
I always thought my teacher had a twin!!! There were always two of her standing up there! And she had a monotone voice and it was all about punctuation and sentence structure and run-on sentences and using the word "AND" too many times and . . . and. . . wa wa-wa wa-wa wa!!! That is true torture!

Comedy Goddess said...

You sound fine to me. I'm still blogivating through the blogs and it's way past my bed time!

Vickie said...

Why would you bother if there is no caffeine???? "Waterloo could I escape if I wanted to."

mo.stoneskin said...

Don't listen to Braja. I believe decaf is an insult to all things decent. Actually, so is instant coffee. Hell, I think, will be torture by sleep deprivation while force feeding the sufferers decaf.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Oh fuck. This just reminds me that I go back to work next week and the first day back is sitting and listening to admin powerpoints for 8 hours.

I love my coffee. Yes I do.

tera said...

I agree, "gimme, gimme, gimme" caffeine, it's the only way I make it all day.

"Knowing me, knowing you
There is nothing we can do..."

ha!

Captain Dumbass said...

Decaf. It's like diet soda. Why?

♥ Braja said...

Why? Cos people like the TASTE. Of course, the concept of taste is obviously lost to those of you who are just so pumped with caffeine and have obviously worn your tastebuds OUT with all the incessant talk talk talk talk talk.....:)) See? That's the problem: too much caffeine = too much talking = worn out tongue = no tastebuds. It seems to be a problem only with American, since the European countries are true lovers of coffee----not because of caffeine, but for taste. Then again, America DID invent McDonalds....

Taste? I don't think so :)

Comedy Goddess said...

I think Braja should cut down on her decaffeinated beverage consumption.

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

I sooo wish I was there with you. I would do things to totally but you in class!! Poke you, pinch you, throw things at you...

AND send you one of those notes from back in the day that said something like this:

Do you think this is boring?

YES ___

NO ___

MAYBE ___

Hallie :)

(I'm never gonna grow up!)

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

I'm kinda thinking that someone switched Braja's decaff with caffeine... (snicker!) If that's the case, keep it up - her running montage of comments is hilarious! :)

For some people, coffee in general is an acquired taste...but to drink DEcaff? Why bother? ;)

darsden said...

ooooh I am about to be smoted...

Braja-I so disagree... I have taste buds and I can really appreciate a good cup of caffeine coffee. Folgers is my first cup in the morning coffee...THEN if I so desire another cup it might be hazelnut from cafe' mc donalds..or some Kenya Gevalia, or any type of Gevalia that I CAN taste the difference...and I agree why bother with decafe might as well drink water...which I do a lot of water drinking... goes for my tea I can taste the difference between lipton and luzianne tea in a heart beat... me thinks thou protest too much! Goes for my hamburger meat too, I know the difference between sirlon,lean, chuck...etc.

Gaston Studio said...

Decaf is only for people who want coffee but feel guilty about drinking it for whatever reason, OR for insomniacs.

Red Bull or a reasonable facsimilie Michel. Take it with you to those boring powerpoint sessions and make sure the speaker sees you drinking it.

Jane

Medora said...

Decaf makes no sense and should be illegal.

Together We Save said...

Decaf never!! Strong coffee all the way. Maybe an enery drink!!

Elle said...

I feel your pain. I used to work for a company that had staff meetings that lasted 3-4 hours EVERY MONDAY MORNING. As if Mondays aren't bad enough.

Fragrant Liar said...

Well, this may come as a shock, but Mickey D's makes some of the best caffeinated coffee around. Crazy, I know. But the other thing is, I have been told by coffee connoisseurs (cuz the only people I hang out with ARE connoisseurs about something -- geez, why am I here again??) that American coffee is completely "watered down" (and that's before any water hits it). And that if we want real coffee, we should head to South America.

I do like the taste of decaf too. Just depends on the brand. So y'all better get off Braja's ass, or I will have to do some Holly Hunter kicking on you!

Oh, hey, Michel. Sorry you had a rough day. Thanks for letting me rant on your blog.

Cartman said...

Europeans would be big fans of Sauerbraten and the Nazi party if it was not for us tasteless Americans!

♥ Braja said...

Yeah, see? I got a bodyguard: Fragrant Liar. Take that, caffeine heads :)))))

♥ Braja said...

Damn this was fun. Can I sign up?

Oh wait. I did already. Just that there are NO FREE GIFTS.