Monday, July 6, 2009

Warning: Those Old Adages Might Do You Wrong!

Remember all those old adages that everyone lives by? They were passed down from generation to generation....things like, "Never pet at burning dog" or "the sun always rises in the east and sets in the west - unless of course you're standing in the south and facing north and/or you have no idea which way east or west IS unless you are physically in your car (not the older one, but the newer one) that has that compass and temperature thing in it??

Two problems with these adages: (1) I might have gotten some of them wrong; and/or (2) I might have either made them up, or my father told them to me (which is, frankly, equally bad)!!! For example:

"Why Do Today What You Could Potentially Put Off Until Tomorrow." Why? WHY?? I'll tell you WHY!!!! Because SOMETIMES (if you're me) and you put off doing stuff - like say, packing or cooking, or remembering what day your housekeeper actually comes during the week when you plan a dinner party, you might actually have some issues that come up on the day that you are supposed to leave and host said dinner party.

For instance, I have to be in DC at work on Thursday. I have also made plans to go to dinner with friends on Thursday. Therefore, I am going to need CLOTHES to go to work and to dinner on THURSDAY. It is 0530 and my suitcase STILL sits empty on the floor in my room waiting to be filled with the the clothes (most of them waay random and in no way thought out) that I have taken out of the closets and/or drawers last night because I thought "I just might need these" in my frenzy to actually do something starting about midnight, when I realized it was now tomorrow!!

I have meetings ALL DAY today and do not actually have any time in my "schedule" (still not really sure what that IS or why I insist on having one) to stay home and pack the aforementioned clothing. In addition, I seem to have also planned a dinner party this evening. (that now starts at 6:30 pm with strict instructions for everyone to get the hell out of my house by 10 pm because the driver picks me up at 10:30 to go to the airport) and I have realized that I do not actually have anything to serve as a beverage at said dinner party. Mind you, I called my cook last night in a frenzy begging her to cook for me for 15 people (FYI, that woman can really negotiate what she would call a fair price and what I would call highway robbery!! )

It's funny how cultures are soo different in some ways.

And finally, for the coup de gras, it has also come to my attention (about midnight last night) that I have NO IDEA where my mother f'n passport is located. I suspect it might have went to Dar es Salaam for one of those Gucci Safaris that everyone (read me, in its presence) has been talking about!

Luckily for me, I keep both the diplomatic and tourist passport together - in one safe place!!! UNLUCKILY, as it turns out, I have no idea where that safe place is!


Which brings us to our last adage that just may screw me today:

"Do Unto Others as You Suspect they Might Have Done Unto You and then Give Them What You Believe Should Be Done Unto Them.

I realize many of you may be thinking to yourself, "You work at the Embassy! Just get yourself a new one!" However, "SCREW YOU!" I also work for the US Government and we all know that NOTHING can be done simply or quickly (and when I say "quickly," I mean, by 10 pm tonight). ESPECIALLY when you might have been just a LITTLE bit snotty to the guy in the Consular Section because he never gets your jokes and always just stares at you like you're a crazy person....but I mean SERIOUSLY, Whatever dude! So I made a SMALL mistake and thought you were sexually harassing me when you said "good morning" to me in the hallway and then followed me in the Embassy...I mean, how the hell was I to know that your office was in the same general direction as mine? ANYONE COULD HAVE MADE THE SAME MISTAKE!! Anyone.

I'm sure that one day (when the mandatory 10 years has passed for harassment complaints to remain in your personnel file) you will realize that it was an honest mistake and that maybe it WAS actually that other lady who is no longer at the Embassy and that nobody really remembers anymore - but I'm sure we all couldn't stand, fyi, and not really ME (as I will be claiming today), who did that!

So bottom line: NEVER listen to old people who try to pass on those damn adages!! Which, frankly, is what I do most of the time! I should have never started trying to Learn new things. JUST LOOK Where it got me!

So, bottom line: today's plans in my busy schedule, probably not gonna happen until I locate that safe place that I have decided to keep my passport again. Seriously! WTF! It's not like there are any closets or drawers in this place! That stupid thing should be sitting out in the middle of the floor somewhere!

PS re: tonight's dinner party: BYO Drinks people....if you want water (and unless you want a refreshing glass of the Nile) I suggest you show up with a bottle.

PPS: could you pls bring me something to drink too?

PPPS: Is anyone friends with the consular officer?

PPPS Could anyone make friends with the consular officer??


mo.stoneskin said...

"NEVER listen to old people who try to pass on those damn adages"

Wise advice, those things will be our undoing otherwise. I'm impressed that with that dinner party looming and a clothes and passport situation you still managed to fit writing a post (and not a short one by any means!) into your schedule.

otin said...

In the quest for your passport, "Let no stone go unturned"! LOL! I hope you find it! "Every Dog has it's day!"

Hit 40 said...

Are you drunk blogging?

Gaston Studio said...

Have you checked the sand dune on your roof? How about in a little baggie in your freezer? Taped to a fan blade?

An Old Person

blognut said...

PLEASE tell me that you're not really in charge of anything at the embassy. :)

darsden said...

OMG I have to go check my blood pressure after that rant...dude..xanex!!

blognut-thumbs up rotflmfao

gaston-somebody already stole her sand dune!

hit 40-what was in the cake mix you sent her..

oh yea this ain't my blog...LOL cya

Optimistic Pessimist said...

don't forget to put any cat food away before the guests arrive. you wouldn't want to repeat the same mistake twice.

good luck finding your passport and have a safe trip.

Vancouver's Enviro Girl said...

OK, am back after changing my pants due to peeing of them in laughter.

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Hidden with your Little Debbie stash?

Susan said...

"Wearing clothes to dinner in DC is so nineties."

tera said...

I so hope you have a fun and relaxing trip. Forget it's work related. Have lots of cheesecake. Have fun with Josh. I wish I lived closer and could visit while you are there. However, I will be at the beach for my birthday. Sounds better than it is: it's southern Washington beach, so most likely it will rain the whole time we are there. But it's all good. It's still a vacation (read: not work!)

lakeviewer said...

The passport(s) are already in your suitcase. If you had packed already, you would have found them. You should have listened to those motherly/fatherly advices/adages. They help you remember things.

Heidi said...

I am laughing loudly and yet strangely anxious at the same time. Good luck.

Medora said...

Do you take medication at all? If not, maybe you should. Just a suggestion.

Beth said...

How are you going to ever place a decent order at the Cheesecake Factory if you can't even find your freakin passport?

I think they make medicine for this. I'd suggest it for you but I'm not sure you'd remember to take it.

Beth said...

Are you going to get a chance to see Poods and Kernel while in America?

Elle said...

ok, "Never pet a burning dog"? That's a new one for me, but sounds like good advice.

Fragrant Liar said...

Right? Where's the old adage, Never pet a burning dog? That's just disgusting. Who would make up something like that? Hmmmmmmmmm, Michel? What kind of sordid, sick, shallow . . . Oh. YOU!

Anonymous said...

Nice post, kind of drawn out though. Really good subject matter though.

Anonymous said...

Nice post, kind of drawn out though. Really good subject matter though.

Anonymous said...

Hey, I am checking this blog using the phone and this appears to be kind of odd. Thought you'd wish to know. This is a great write-up nevertheless, did not mess that up.

- David