Saturday, July 4, 2009

Why Do I Always Have to be the One To Bring This Shit Up???

Fine! I'll say it: Chef Boyardee...You are NOT a chef!! Your lasagna does NOT have any God-damned mozzarella in it, and WTF were you thinking with your "lunch sized" microwavable "meals."

FYI, that is (a) NOT a meal; rather, I believe it probably counts as one damn weight watchers point because there is approximately 2 bites in the damn can; and (b) that shit is DISGUSTING.


Now I'm all pissed because I was at Costco before I left the states, buying my "consumables" for 2 years in Sudan and thought to myself, "hmmm...I haven't had that in years! And Hey! it's only $12.99 -- why is EVERYTHING at Costco $12.99?? And, why do I always think that is a deal?" so I bought a CASE of it - assorted mind you - so I have no-cheese having disgusting lasagna, spaghetti and meatballs (that I haven't even opened and am frankly frighted at what I am going to find) and some beefaroni. What the hell is beefaroni? I have never seen that on a menu at an Italian restraunt!!

I suspect Chef Boyardee is not from Italy. Now all I have to do is prove it.

I said GOOD DAY! Boyardee!

However, I will tell you who DID like the lasagna! Little Pippy. She is adorable.




I opened my door -- and there's a little entryway in between the doors (not sure why, it just seems to be a pain in the ass, but the Sudanese might culturally demand an area where they can compose themselves before going through the second door - so I guess I just have to respect that!) ANYWAY, I must not have secured the outer door very well because I opened up the first door to go see if I could find some babies who had no idea that Lasagna should not be disgusting and/or contain mozzarella and, VIOLA! I had a pack of stray dingos in my foyer. I'm not sure that is precisely what the Sudanese were going for - but Hey! Now I've found a use for my extra space. Dingo Rest Area.

As I was trying to get the babies out of the foyer, a local guard was walking by and made a comment that the dogs sure liked my house. So naturally, (because I'm hilarious like that) I said, "A dingo ate my bay-bee" Clearly, the guy's never seen the movie beacuse he gave me a look like he was just a little bit frightened of me and hurried on his way to the back gate.

Whatever dude! that shit was funny!

Anyway, in between microwaving what I falsely assumed would be a culinary masterpiece, I have managed to (sorta) clean up the house. I didn't take a pic of Josh's man room that I filled up with everything I couldn't find a space for (read all the extra crap) because I think it would just make him too sad. However (avert your eyes from all the dust and stuff - we had a haboob and I haven't had THAT much time - baby steps people)...I actually have some stuff now. Not a lot, mind you - but some. Clearly, there will never be pics on the walls because they are all solid concrete. It's simply UNpossible for me to put them up. AND, I don't care enough - there is that too.

20 comments:

lakeviewer said...

Michel, that's a lot of furniture! Are you there permanently now? The table tells me you're hosting major parties, the sit-down and the waiter will bring you the first course type of table. We have not met those waiters yet. Are you holding out on us?

This is a teaser right? You'll be telling us that your cook is from Le Cordon Bleu, and all the wine you drink is imported.

Smart Mouth Broad said...

There was so much I wanted to say and now all I can think about is how funny the word, "haboob" is. Yeah, I know, I have the mind of a 12 yo boy.

darsden said...

Beautiful Michel, nice lines... :-) exactly how many years you got left?

Fragrant Liar said...

I hate to be the one to tell you this, my Sudanese Sympatico, but somebody has to provide for your edification. So there was this kid named Artie who wanted to be a short order cook when he grew up, but Diana Ross discovered his beefaroni and put him to work. (Heh, heh. Okay, not going there.) Natch, Ms. Ross told the world he was a chef. And that's how Chef Boy Artie got discovered.

Don't worry, I'm not going to make you take a test. You're busy rearranging furniture and feeding the dingos outside your inner door.

Happy 4th! Or is it the 5th where you are?

Hit 40 said...

You now have stuff to dust!!! And a haboob came just in time for your finished work to leave a nice coat of poopy dust on everything!! YUMMY

Susan said...

But Michel, how do you REALLY feel about non-chef BoyarDee? Don't hold back. This is YOUR blog.

Medora said...

Those microwave meal things are a joke - nasty and small. I guess they figure you will only want two bites of the garbage, so it is meal-sized in their eyes. I like the giant bags of prepared stir fry - the whole bag, thanks very much. Just toss in a dead animal and it's all good. Yum!

There is a local Italian restaurant that gets so many props for their "homemade" ravioli, but I worked there and I know they are Chef Boyardee, in giant cans of brine, with the restaurant's homemade sauce. I never touched them - gross!

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I was got nostalgic for ravioli from the chef, bought a can, and prompty threw it out...

Love the color of your walls.

CK Lunchbox said...

That's okay, the Quaker Oats guy isn't a Quaker... he's a Nihilist.

PetalsYoga said...

I'm still laughing at "The Dingo ate my Baybee" so at least you know you're not the only one who randomly uses that quote and gets blank stares. I used it on the plane coming back from Melbourne last March and lots of people gave me nasty looks! ;-)

rxBambi said...

A. What the hell is a haboob? All I can think of is "Ha! You call those boobs?"

B) What movie is the dingo ate my baybee? I remember it from Seinfeld, but that's it.

C) I don't think guards have a sense of humor, do they?

D) I often find that foods I loved as a child now make we want to hurl. Case in point: I used to love a toasted Vienna Sausage sandwich with mayo. Gak, thinking about it makes me want to barf all over my laptop!

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CheapAndEasy said...

I did that awhile back with SpaghettiO's. I loved them so much as a kid but now they really are kinda gross.

I like dingoes & I don't think they eat babies. Nevertheless, I wouldn't leave one on the porch to tempt them. Just sayin'....

Suburban Correspondent said...

That's one of the disappointing things you learn as a parent - those childhood favorites are actually disgusting. Like Marshmallow Peeps, say...

CarrieAnn said...

I don't care what any of you say...I loooooove Chef Boyardee. I miss it so much now that I'm a vegetarian. (sad face)

otin said...

Chef Boyardee was an actual chef, his name was spelled something like Biorardi, but they changed it! Damn, aren't I just a wealth of knowledge! haha!

Hit 40 said...

Bambi - the haboob is a big nasty dust storm with a lot of dried up poop mixed into the dust. If it gets in a body opening, you get something nasty that Michel calls stinkeye.

Jack and Kernel said...

We want some Chef Boyardee too!!! Quit giving away our treats.

blognut said...

I hate to put this little-known fact out into the world, but I love Beefaroni and Ravioli. I think Chef Boyardee is a genius. I like to eat it straight out of the can at room temperature. (Can we still be friends?)

I'm with you on the lunch-sized portions though. Who eats two bites of anything for lunch? I think those cans are actually meant to be kept in the baby food section at the store, 'cause I need to eat around 4 of those in order to feel like I ate lunch.

Suzy said...

I stocked up at Costco be4 my surgery last April. Paper plate or small can of V-8 juice anyone?