An American History Lesson

Yesterday Pastor Sharon was confused, and because the American public school system failed her, she did not realize how Dolly Madison and Little Debbie were heros. So I educated her, and she asked that I post my findings in case anyone else out there was a victim of the American school system.

Comment from Pastor Sharon:

I am doing a study right now with certain people. Therefore, biographies are part of my research. Could you send me the biographies of the GREAT LEADERS Dolly Madison and Little Debbie. I simply cannot find them at the library!

Dolly Madison used to make these delicious rectangular shaped cakes that she would fill with whipped cream and frost (and run a fork down the top to make lines on the top as her "signature move") while she sewed a flag for George Washington. He liked her cakes so much that he chose her flag, even though it was pretty much a half-assed effort. (Little known fact: he had asked for stars all over the stripes too. George really liked stars. He had them put on his ceiling in his bedroom). His favorite was the raspberry coconut one. They say it's what got her the flag commission.

Little Debbie was an explorer who led Lewis and Clark on their expedition. She was also called "Pocahontas" by her friends and family. It was her Indian name, but back in the day, it's wasn't cool to be American Indian, only Indian Indian which was considered exotic and they were really good at cooking with curry, which Americans at that time didn't really understand how to cook, so their lessons were really sought after. The American Indians, on the other hand, only had pemmican, which the Americans didn't really like (pretty much like unsalted jerky powder (gag) which NOBODY could understand why a culture would not use salt, so they would try to put the American Indians in large groups on select plots of land - so as to study them. Anyway, Pocahontas ended up adopting the name Clark gave her when he met her and told her that Pocahontas is too hard to spell or say, so he told her he would call her ....Little Debbie.

She used to make the traditional native American food for travel (not the pemmican because that shit's just nasty and pretty much worthless as currency...so she brought along her tribe's other favorite travel food oatmeal cookies with whipped cream in the middle - creating the first "sandwich". Her sandwiches were used to trade with the other tribes. Along the way, they encountered a tribe of the very rare Swiss Indians, who paid for some old blankets that Lewis brought along by trading them for some rolled up chocolate cake with whipped cream and chocolate frosting that they called "Swiss Rolls." Unfortunately, in a tragic turn of events, the swiss indians mysteriously died of smallpox gathered around that blanket Lewis gave them to keep warm - which is why you never hear of them today.

Little Debbie perfected the recipes, used photoshop on her picture to give herself freckles so that nobody would assume her braids were Indian (again, racism was cool back in those days)

And then she discovered Montana.

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ALSO, I just had to include this little snippet (mostly for Josh's parents because I know they will totally realize the randomness of conversations with their son! That guy is a hoot!)

Skype Transcript

Joshua: I got bit by a donkey today
he bit my boot
not very hard
but then when i walked away he was following me

Michel : shit

joshua: so then i started jogging
and he followed me faster

Michel : shit (note: I'm obviously quite eloquent)

joshua: and then i ran up the hill and he was running along behind me, and he snipped at me

Michel: no way! A donkey gone bad??

joshua: i could hear his teeth cracking! it was eff'ing scary man

Michel: creepy Bastard!

joshua: he was pissed. it was weird

Michel: ALRIGHT! What did you do to him?!?!

joshua : i don't know. i even gave him an apple! he's used to being with people because the navy seals always feed him. they even put a reflective running belt on him so people don't run into him

Michel: Did you give him the apple before? or after he bit you??

Michel: did you pet him? maybe he expected you to stay longer? Maybe your behavior was rude to Iraqi Donkeys.

joshua: i did pet him, but the bite on the foot came while i was petting him

joshua: it was weird man

Michel: was it one of those granny smith apples?? Sometimes those are really sour and that pisses me off too!!

joshua: it was a sour apple

Michel: he was pissed. he was expecting golden delicious. You know how if you get all excited and then you get a sour apple...that is very upsetting.

Michel: He's got a point.

joshua: i'm gonna throw stuff at him tomorrow