Wednesday, December 31, 2008

New Years Resolutions

Like many of you, I am trying to figure out what to do for my New Year's Resolution. Problem is that I have yet to actually keep a New Year's Resolution. I've known this fact for so long now that I pretty much stopped trying to make "good" ones, like "lose weight," "work out everyday," "be a better person" (hahah! that last one totally wasn't real! Funny though....better person!....hilarious.)

ANYWAY, for the last few years, my "blog mentor" Minoy (self-titled) and I made the resolution to "start smoking." The first year, we bummed cigarettes off of random passersby on new years eve -- and went home, got sick because our hair smelled so hideous, and dropped that hobby by New Year's day. Not to be deterred, we resurrected the resolution for 2008, but this time with a trendy new twist to our hobby: CLOVE cigarettes. Armed with our conviction that this would solve the stinky hair issue, we headed out for a night of booze and cloves!!

Turns out, clove cigarettes DO actually stink, just not in the same stank as regular or even menthol cigarettes. In addition, if you smoke a large number of them, it kinda makes your tongue go numb. Lesson we learned from this: Smoking is not a good hobby.

If only someone had mentioned this sooner, we MIGHT have been able to save ourselves valuable time and wasted resolutions. There should have been a sign or something. I blame society.

This year, in order to beat the resolution rush - I hired a personal trainer in December. Her name is Tina Pavone and she is a personal fitness and Nutrition expert. She owns "Healthy Phats, we make you work" (I suspect she was calling me fat, but can't prove it!!)

After working with "tina" for literally fives of times now, I am starting to suspect that "tina" is not her name. Rather, I think she is in fact, SATAN (I have an ongoing investigation to prove my theory. Or, in layman's terms...I'm telling everyone she is satan!) Sure, she is all nice and encouraging while she is there, complimenting you on your progress, not once laughing when you roll off the balance ball; however, once she leaves, she makes you agree to do HOMEWORK for the days Satan doesn't visit and (like satan) she apparently can "tell" if you've sat on the couch and stared at your exercise equipment for the whole time she was not there....You tell me who else could do that? NOBODY! that's who! She is clearly, satan! In fact, before she leaves, she issues veiled threats like, "see you Friday!" or "keep up the good work!" She is not fooling anyone. I'm onto her....

Speaking of which, if you actually stop and think about it, Satan has a BRILLIANT marketing scheme. All this time, I've been mean and condescending to people for FREE. I was not aware that you could actually charge people for this service. Once again, I have let another business opportunity pass me by...

I guess maybe I should show a little more respect to Sa...I mean, Tina for her ability to convince me to willingly pay her to come to my house to make me do something in the comfort of my own home approximately four feet from my couch.

This year my resolution is to unveil my new miracle diet plan: "Eat less, Move more"..... Now all I have to do is con my friends into paying me to "train" them.....I'm mean. I'm totally without compassion and was born without the empathy gene. It's perfect for me!! I might need some airbrushing for marketing purposes though...Know anybody??

I know my husband Josh will likely try to claim that he thought of that, and will cite the numerous times he lectured me that perhaps if I would just back away from the cake and go for a walk, it might not be so difficult. However, HE DOESN'T KNOW! And, from a legal standpoint: he didn't write it down, now did he!?!? First rule of business: Oh, who am I kidding?? I work for the government. I have no idea about business.

Happy New Year. I'm accepting new clients.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Quotes on the Emails....You know who you are!

Okay. I should probably warn you that I am going to rant!!! And, I should probably start this by stating unequivocally that I am a dog fact I might even go so far as to call myself a PET lover....well, maybe not spiders, rodents, fish, or snakes...those are not pets. Those are just creepy. Although perhaps I could possibly accept a, wait. Who am I kidding? No. No hamsters.....those are just fat rodents.

So, maybe just a domestic dog/cat lover...and frankly, kitties are nice in other peoples' house. Why the hell can't they keep their dirt in their box?? WHY must they spread it all around the general box area?? that's just gross and unsanitary frankly...

I digress. However, I feel it is my civic duty to tell people that WE DO NOT CARE IF YOU LOVE YOUR DOG/CAT/THREE-TOED SLOTH...stop putting those damn quotes on your emails!!! ESPECIALLY on the work related ones.

It is bad enough that I have to pretend to work at least 8 hours every day!!! MUST I be forced to read some seven paragraph quote at the end of your email about dogs or cats going to heaven and blah blah blah. Its like a trainwreck!! You can't look away!! Even when you know it is coming (and believe me, they may LOVE their pet, but they are too lazy to change out their signature line on their emails!!) ...somehow you still read it. Yup. Still an ass.

I'm not a pet hater - In fact I truly adore my dogs (which are totally better than that rodent looking thing on those emails), I'm basically what you would call a "work" hater.....I am pretty much actively looking for any reason - no matter how small - NOT to work. Even though this is my first posting, my friends can attest that my laziness is well known. Just today I ate my salad in my office with a spoon because I didn't want to walk all the way to the breakroom to get a fork. (it was waaay far and there is no Christmas candy left - so honestly, what's the point!) Soo, when i see one of these (and believe me, I see them routinely) I feel it is critical that I stop what I am doing and tell people what an ass you are....I'm selfless this way. I'm such a good person. ...

Therefore, if you put a quote (even if it is not about pets) at the end of your email then you damn well better change it out before you send another one. Unless you have a random (not lame) quote generator, why not just sign your stupid name? People will thank you for it. And when I say "thank you" i mean, they won't spend 17 minutes forwarding your email to all their friends at work mocking you and changing your quote to make it even more gay.