Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Oh Sweet Jebus!!!

A number of people in the office have "encouraged" me to sign up for one of those online services that match you with a compatible person.   I've literally now met three people who have married their online match.

So I went to the website. It told me I had to fill out this really long personality profile.
So I logged off the internet and went downstairs and watched Glee.  Whatever, I'm pretty sure I can meet someone during one of my fits of road rage.  It'll be fine.

My co-workers pointed out that I am not at my best at 0500 in morning traffic.  So I went back online and filled out my personality profile.  It told me I was 12% done and it wanted me to list my "passions..."  So I listed how I'm "passionate about how I tend to hate other drivers.  It told me to list some facts about what I wanted my potential matches to know about me.  (Obviously, they didn't read my personality profile!!)

So I wrote about how I currently have 5 cats, 4 dogs, a parrot and 12 chickens in my home in Ashtuky, northern virginia and how I have been offered an exciting opportunity to interview for a television appearance on the show Animal Hoarders!!!

It told me I was 23% done.  

WTF!?  This is worse than the damn foreign service exam!  So I logged off and went downstairs to watch the Biggest Loser (God that show is addicting!  The really sad part is that I always want a snack when I watch it!! Is that wrong?)

The worker nazis sent me back to the website to "just finish it already!" and it was suggested that I not be flippant because not everyone will "get me'  --  So I added JUST KIDDING! to it.  Then it made me attach photos.  Note to self: hire someone to be my photo double.   This shit's humiliating.

So I hunkered down and after a mere 5 hours later, I was up and running and was delivered my matches!!  I KNOW! RIGHT!?!  It's very exciting!!! These people were hand selected by a random computer to be totally in line with my personality. 

(Do you think it matters that I put down that I really loved helping others and was actively involved in the community, a people person who is also actively involved in environmental conservation??? --   Well, I DID watch that one NatGeo special where the polar bear was swimming trying to find another piece of ice and the narrator told me that I was killing the polar bears which made me feel really bad - so I always make sure I turn the lights off now.  That counts.  Right?)

SO ANYWAY, I open up my first match....says the dude is from Leesburg, VA (which is not that far!! So I'm all...hey! I could potentially think about one day traveling to leesburg...One problem though:  the guy's picture is a LITTLE bit scary.  He kinda has this creepy smile and he's all leaning to one side. BUT, (because I'm such a good person) I tell myself not to just judge by the photo....and I scroll down....

Basic Information
Occupation: Circus Clown
Age 45
Height 5' 11"
Wants Kids: Yes
Kids at Home: Yes     
 I typically spend my leisure time:  Getting naked and taking deep, calming breaths.


So now I'm spending MY DAMN LEISURE TIME taking deep calming breaths and freaked out that the damn clown is going to find me!!!!
SERIOUSLY!?   A clown -- who everybody knows is a godless killing machine -- is my perfect match??? That's my option?!   

I'm TERRIFIED of effin clowns!!!  -- It's probably because they tend to kill people - random people - people who don't even want to see any clowns.  I'm pretty sure a clown killed my neighbor when I was young.  Although she might have moved to Iowa, but I never heard from her again; obviously clowns got her.

I'm going to rethink my initial 5 cats, 8 dogs and 12 chickens option.  It seems better somehow.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Divorce is Awkward

First off, I totally promise this is not going to turn into a "I hate men" site, because I don't hate men.  Well, I mean, I clearly hate some men.  But then I hate women too.  I'm an equal opportunity hater.  Just to be fair, I'll keep this like it always was...where I pretty much just hate other people.  (You know what you did.)

But you know what I really hate??   I hate it when people walk up to me, pat me on the shoulder and say, "How are you doing?"  with this pitiful expectant look on their face.  It's really awkward for me, I mean...there is a LOTTA pressure to feel heartbroken and bitter when you get dumped. My standard, "I'm fine.  How are you?"  is usually met with silence and then a "well, if you ever want to talk...."  which is nice and all, but it's almost like people are disappointed if you're not walking around with puffy eyes and a handful of kleenex.  Luckily, I am finally able to walk around sniffling with a handful of Kleenex -- unfortunately, it's because I have allergies - but for God's sake! Don't tell anyone...I think they're secretly relieved! 

I choose to look at my glass as half-broken!!  You know, so you can throw it out and buy a new one?? One that is all trendy and cool.  NOW, I am finally free to fulfill my lifelong dream of marrying for money!  You know, like they do in the movies...or in New Jersey.   Like that! 

Couple of small issues I have run into in my pursuit of this new dream:

1.  Rich men aren't usually looking for non-supermodel women of a certain age... a number that will never be mentioned on this blog...

2.  I don't know any rich men. 

3.  My friends don't know any rich men.

4.  I'm too lazy to do stalking research to find out where the natural habitat of rich men is located and then go get a hunting permit.

Obviously, that dream is too hard.  It has multiple steps.  Probably not going to happen. 

Liz is on the lookout for someone to set me up with, but so far she's come up with a trauma surgeon who works with her husband - but then the guy suspiciously deploys to one of the war zones for a year.  Coincidence??  Then, she says her son's 9th grade teacher allegedly looks like George Clooney.  So, after I confirmed this man does not intend to flee the country, she says, "But he might be married....  And he teaches Calculus."  

WTF Liz!?!?! I can't even SPELL calculus and we all know I can't do math!  I don't need that kind of pressure!   What if he asks me out on a date and says we'll meet after work, but then he points out that he works in Vienna, so if he leaves work in his car at 5 pm going 43 miles per hour and has to stop for 3 tolls and will encounter 7 lights along the route, what time will we meet? 

SHIT!?!?! There is no way to know that!!!  I'm just going to end up showing up at his school and slashing his tires so I don't have to do anymore story problems.  Then I'd have to flee the state and turn to a life of crime.  Once again, I think we've shown that nothing good comes out of math.  Nothing.

Oh, we should probably also confirm if he's married.  That might be a problem too.  I'm almost positive you can only have one wife in the USA.  96.7% sure. 

Damnitt Liz....Can't you see my puffy eyes and handful of kleenex?!?!  I'm obviously in a very vulnerable state!  Or, my allergies are really acting up.  Could go either way.  We'll probably never know. 

Whatever!  I don't need a man!  I have Dillon.  I'll just get a few kitties (I'll name them scratchy, stabby, bitey and squeaker) and a box of cookies.  It's all good.

Broken or whole, a cookie never rejects you.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

So Much to Catch Up On....

Wow, you stop posting for a little while and you miss SOOO much!!! (Yes, I do realize that I have not posted in over a year, but still...define "a little while".... it's obviously open to interpretation!!! )

-- I went through the comment moderation queue and apparently, this site is EXTREMELY helpful to a lotta people's college papers.  I'm not really sure what it is they are studying, but I'm guessing they're probably not going to be that successful in today's job market after having graduated in whatever career training that could possibly be enriched by my rants -- but then, I fully admit that I haven't been to college in a long time and maybe it's all different now.   Maybe people learn using examples of what NOT to do rather than math and stupid science like they  made me do!   Lame. 

-- And if the comments are to be believed, this blog is also apparently very popular in China!  And also with escort services.  They totally like my work and leave a lot of comments.  Little known fact, escort service workers are very loyal readers.  We may have judged them too harshly.  Clearly, I must have said something that would draw the escort services --  and their potential clients here.  I'm like a match made in heaven for them.  You are welcome!!!   One guy asked if I could tell him how he could find an escort service in Israel, because he was headed there for vacation. I can't.  However, I think you would have more success using google, rather than a blog - but that's just how I would find one if I were going to look for one in Israel.  I mean, it's how I found the guy who's coming over to fix the trim on the house.   Google.  I highly recommend it!!  So much more helpful (and timely) than I am.   

-- One commenter, "Zack" is dismayed that I could potentially really be a USG employee representing the U.S. of A abroad -- in fact, he is disgusted that our government would let me work in it's hallowed ranks and can see why our government and the whole country is basically a mess.  Although Zack has a point, I would just like to note that if Zack thinks this blog is what is wrong with our government and our country, I really have to recommend he branch out and do some other reading.  However, after thinking about it for a while, I realized that Zack is right.  This blog  IS exactly why our country is a mess and our foreign policy is a total disaster.  Zack is right.  It was me.  I have thought up every bad decision this country has ever made since 1997.  My bad.  Sorry America. 

-- "Anonymous"  thinks this blog is a poorly written rant and they couldn't even finish reading the post!  I can only image they had to cover their mouth so they didn't throw up all over the key board while they scrolled down to the bottom to write their comment...oh wait.  I'm rambling again.  Anonymous is right.  Damnitt!  Now I'm never going to help anyone's college paper!  NOW WHAT!?! 


Other than that, I've been working, driving to work, then working, then my husband asked for a divorce, so I wallowed in self pity while I was working getting stuck in traffic, working, hating working, working and then last weekend -- I had to work.  Yeah.  It's been a sucky year. You should be thankful I wasn't here blathering on about THAT... Zack would have been outraged!!!