Saturday, January 30, 2010

We've Been Doing Some Travelin....

So I'm pretty much going to pull a lazy (naturally) and just post the pics....(because that's how I roll....)
We went up to Moroe, in North Sudan.  There are pyramids and (my favorite) camels....although, they're kinda creepy and smelly...not so hygienic...

I can only assume they had some kinda iPod that had "YMCA" Playing....

Joe's head...he kinda looks fake, doesn't he?

Joe thinks this is his better side....

I'm not sure anymore why this is cool, but it was for some reason....if you guys can figure it out, feel free to let me know....

Although the little guy on the side looks like he might be al-Qa'ida, he's not...he's just cranky....(I asked...)

 Sudanese Truck stop hotel.  Bucket is some water for you.....

 Joe's Friends.....

Waiting patiently to get going - although it looks like it is really hot there in Sharm, it was actually pretty chilly!

This is the Ritz Carlton hotel in Sharm al-Shaykh, Egypt.  Little known fact, cost of a room at Ritz in Sharm $160 per night.  Cost of dinner with bottle of wine $160. 

I'm not sure exactly WHERE this was, but it was taken from the boat in the Red Sea....

Coastline (I'm not sure which one was Sinai, I wasn't paying attention when they went over the historical crap - I was just excited to go diving....

So there you have it...10 days of travel in less than 10 pics...we had fun and did some neat things, but I forget now what that was.....

Monday, January 11, 2010

Well Now You're Just Being a Bitch....

Okay, so the mail fairy came yesterday, right?? So I'm like..WHAT UP YO!?  That ho came again....and only one week later!?!? How cool is that!? 

Oh, she's not cool.  In fact, she might have been the role model for Smelly Pirate Ho Mommy Dog.  Why am I so upset?  Mail fairy came to my house and she brought me the following:

Bills (WTF!?  Where have I been? How could I have acquired a damn BILL!? And WHY does Loudoun County think I'm going to pay said bill??  Fools!)

Paper Towels (Note to self: when using to purchase grocery items, it is important to check the AMOUNT of grocery items when ordering.  However, now the $40 price tag for a "few" paper towels makes much more sense.  Turns out - I ordered 60 ROLLS of paper towels.  It was actually a good deal and not the highway robbery I had previously reported.)

(Second Note to Self: Send correction to Better Business Bureau.  Turns out is NOT run by a Nigerian crime ring as previously believed.  Seems they're a legitimate business.  -- will have to actually re-google Better Business Bureau.  Probably not gonna happen...send apology to'm sure the BBB won't have opened the investigation or watchlisted the employees for the no-fly selectee as I recommended.  It'll be fine.  Send them card.  Good 'Nuff...)

Coffee Grinder - I got all excited because as you may recall my "husband" (and I use the term loosely after this happened) broke our coffee maker - which had a coffee grinder IN it...As such, I'm currently coffee-less...the embassy has issued a warden notice to let everyone know they are not to try to interact with me prior to 10 am...for safety reasons.  The Warden notice specifies the Embassy is not responsible for any subsequent injuries for individuals who disregard the notice. 

Milk Frothing Pot - What? You don't have one? CHAA!  Loser.  Get with it.  NOBODY pours milk directly INTO their coffee.  Milk should be served in scalding bubbles format.  Dooy.

So why on EARTH am I claiming that the mail fairy is a bitch, you ask??

BECAUSE THE BITCH DIDN'T BRING THE COFFEE MAKER!!!   She tortured us with promises of coffee, and then left us hanging....not even a note to let us know that she INTENDS to bring the pot next week/next month/next May, NOTHING. 

Someone please tell me why God isn't actively smoting the damn mail fairy!  That bitch has it coming!

Saturday, January 9, 2010

New Plan - Currently Accepting Sponsors

So I've been thinking - and doing internet reserach - on botox.  Why on earth would I be thinking about that, you ask??

HOW RUDE! Don't ask those questions!!!! WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU!  Hateful!

So back to my point - before you guys got all hurtful and nosy -- I've been thinking .... I need botox.  I need botox, but I'm too po.  I don't want to PAY for botox.  ERGO, I've come up with yet another BRILLIANT plan...

I'm going to leave mayo and yogurt out on the counter, in direct sunlight, and not turn on the AC.   Then, (by my math calculations) after 72 hours, I should have created a bolgovie-home-tox  and should be back to age 28 by Wednesday.  (those of you who don't get the home-perm reference should google's me on this one...)

My only other option is to turn to a life of crime so that I can afford the botox...I've already tried that...well, I thought about trying that, but was too lazy to actually do any crime, because that takes Planning and's not all its cracked up to be....

AND, since I went to the stupid pyramids again this weekend, but forgot sunscreen yet again, I'm going  to not only NEED my bolgovie-home-tox, I should probably figure out who to make a home acid peel...

What could possibly go wrong?? 

Monday, January 4, 2010

Ummm...I'd Like a Refund Please!

Okay.  I'd like to lodge a complaint.  I've been going to the "gym" for literally 3s of days now and as far as I can gym is faulty.  I'm going to demand my money back.  I mean, sure they say  that if you exercise you will be skinny, but I'm not seeing it.  I mean how much time is this gonna take?? (I don't have that kinda time...)  I was thinking what? Three maybe Four days??

I'm back to demanding pharmaceutical intervention.  SCIENCE! GET ON IT!  (Lazy! you gotta stay on these people!)

Note: if one stupid commenter says that "it took you months to get that weight on, you will need months to get it off" (it would be REALLY helpful if they could invent a snotty-sarcastic text for me to use here, because I feel like that would be more useful)  I will literally hunt you down and have you publicly flogged (I may have officially spent too much time in Sudan) because for your information it did NOT take me months to get to this literally took me from 27 November until 31 December...that's like ONE MONTH. 

That is NOT RIGHT. 

Granted, I ate pretty much all sugar based products for about 2 straight weeks.  I think my body may have been trying to reject itself on or about 29 December...when candy didn't even taste good to me anymore because I had eaten soo much of it....I think I might have been going into kidney or maybe tummy failure because I had not ingested one ounce of protein or fiber in a two week period...BUT STILL...I'm sure that nothing to do with the no-clothes-fitting state I'm in right now.

I blame society -- and when I say, Society, I mean people who sent me Christmas Candy.  You Jackasses!!  You KNOW I can't handle it.  NOTHING in my life is done in moderation.  In case you haven't noticed, I'm a bit of a drama queen...I do things on a large scale.

SOOO....I'll go back to the gym for the 4th day tomorrow (those of you who bet I'd drop out by day three -- Ha HA! SUCKAHS!!

You should have tried to figure out what day I was betting on...I'm guessing that day is gonna win.  Prepare to pay it forward...

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Welcome, Mail Fairy!!!

So, the mail fairy came today!  Graciously, the US Department of State (DoS) decided to forward our mail to us just in time for us all to miss Christmas.  Today, we received approximately 15 boxes and 32 Christmas cards - naturally, I don't want that shit now! I already took down the tree and put away all the crap (and when I say, "I" did, I mean I asked Josh to do it - and he's only too happy to put my Christmas hell away every year.  Why DO I bitch about my husband again?? He's obviously a saint.  because although I totally adore all things Christmas, I also equally HATE all things Christmas post 26 December and I hate putting away all things Christmas even worse than I hate all things Christmas post December 26th!)  

Merry Eff You Christmas DoS!

So now, I've opened all the boxes the mail fairy brought (Yaay) - until I opened them and saw they were full of stupid paper towels (but cost less than they would if I bought them here at circa $8 a roll)  and Josh's stupid granola bars (again, $10 a box here)...I DON'T WANT THAT!!  Eff that!  Why the hell can't Ann Taylor spontaneously send me shit!? 

Seriously, how cool would that be!?!  You go out to your car (or your mailbox if you don't live in Khartoum) and you find out that the mail fairy came!! SO NATURALLY (if you live in Khartoum and the mail comes on random days maybe once a week) you're all excited because, WTF !?  It's the MAIL FAIRY YO!!?  What is WRONG with you!?!?   So you're going through the boxes, throwing out the stupid ones from GNC or REI, and then spot it...the gleaming lettering "ANN TAYLOR.COM"  and then the angels begin to sing and maybe some kinda band from your vacation in St. Maarten's.....So you rip into it...and it's a top you didn't even know they had!?!?  AND, it's guilt free! I mean, I didn't order it...I had nothing to do with it...

OMG how cool would that be!?! 

I would probably even PAY Ann Taylor to send me random shit.  That's how cool I think that would be....

If you don't understand this, you obviously do not live in Sudan where in their "malls" they sell  what amounts to a duty free store full of old shit nobody wanted to buy at the real duty free store.  If you did, however, live in'd love this idea...

Trust me on this one....LOVE IT!

Saturday, January 2, 2010


I've decided to declare today a "do-over."  I couldn't declare ALL of 2010 an utter failure based on the first day - and perhaps I was a bit hasty to judge a whole year simply because I spent the entire first day of the year in my pjs, curled up in a fetal position on the couch.

On the upside, however, my traditional New Year's Diet is off to a winning start - seeing as how I could not keep any foods of liquids down yesterday and am kinda scared to eat today, I'm thinking this is EXACTLY the way to lose weight.  No more of that "eat smaller portions, exercise and make healthy choices" crap that my husband spouts.  Obviously, that's ridiculous crazy talk.  My way is clearly better.  You'll see.

So my glamorous day started off with me getting into my workout clothes and sending a text to Christina (who was supposed to help me remember to go to the gym by guilting me into going with her) asking her what time we're going to the gym.  She didn't text me back.  Ergo, if my going to the gym to pretend to work out plan doesn't work, we all know whom to blame: Christina!

I then decided that I should make coffee.  However, my lovely hubby decided to plug our American coffee maker into the sudanese outlet.  Our coffeemaker is obviously racist, because it now refuses to turn on.  So I decided I'd make some coffee, old-school Laura Ingalls style.  So I got out the coffee beans....

How the hell do you grind coffee beans if you coffee maker has the built in grinder, but then it got all uppity and stormed off in a huff?  They didn't cover this section on Little House on the Prairie!  Obviously, I need an apron like Laura's mom....maybe then I'll know. 

So I made tea.

Then I decided that I needed to organize the cupboards that I have been planning to organize since early 2009 because we were just putting stuff where ever we could find a spot - the kitchen is the only place here that actually HAS I took everything out and placed it on the counter.  Then I noticed that the cupboards were all dirty under the stuff (although how the hell it got dirty in there, we'll never know....) so then I decided I needed to wash that out too....

So I'm walking to the sink and I notice the stove and those little cuppy things under the burners had some kinda something on them that can never be named, I'm guessing is some type of toxic waste that burned on there - so I decided I needed to clean those out and I ripped them all out of the stove. 

Then after I did that, I looked in the oven -- SELF CLEANING my ass!  So then I pulled out the racks so I could scrub in there.

And then I looked around. . . and I suddenly didn't want to clean the kitchen anymore. WTF!?  Why the hell do I start these things!?!?

So now I'm FINALLY sitting on the couch again, curled up in a fetal position, with dishpan hands, no coffee and I won't let Josh use the kitchen because he'll just make a mess and that shit is SPOTLESS right now.  I even got on my hands and knees and scrubbed the floor with bleach water.  I'm seriously contemplating sealing it off with plastic wrap because I never want to do that shit again.

I should have went to the damn gym!!!

Friday, January 1, 2010

Top 10 Reasons 2010 Sucks

1.   Jose Quervo
2.  Jose Quervo
3.  Jose Quervo
4.  Jose Quervo
5.  Jose Quervo
6.  Jose Quervo
7.  Jose Quervo
8.  Jose Quervo
9.  Jose Quervo
10. Jose Quervo

Don't believe anything he says...That guy is an ASS!!!

Happy New Year! Let's try this again tomorrow...

ps God does not like smart-asses
pps Apparently, God does not like to have to tell you twice in one month