Tuesday, March 30, 2010

It's Been a Big Week Damnitt! Don't you Judge Me!!

So, as you may have noticed I have been a tad bit lazy posting my thoughts....well, you would notice if you were anxiously awaiting for me to tell you what I think about stuff -  which, OF COURSE YOU ARE -- I mean, why on earth wouldn't you be doing that?? DOOY!  ANYWAY, I have (yet another) excuse:  We moved into the new Embassy.  

So naturally, I'm going to finally  say, "Today was a good day!" (No it wasn't.)  -- I'm just trying to be more positive because I was shocked to read someone's comment that pretty much asked if anything good happens here (No it doesn't.)  So then I thought that maybe I should try to be more positive and upbeat...you know, fake....  But then I thought,  Do I really have to be positive with you guys? Let's face it...Positive is going to be a little bits difficult for me to pull off.  It's exhausting! 

Frankly, I think we owe it to each other to be honest with each other.  (OMG!  I almost typed that without laughing...haha.)  No we don't.  Nobody wants to read about some damn form I filled out four times to get blue pens rather than black ones that were made in 1972 -- or that, YES, I did fill out that on-line form four times because this is the type of shit that I can't seem to let go of...but tricky foreign policy issues?? Eh...I'm sure it will all work out -- Christina's probably doing something about it....Now where was that damn form!?

Anyway, moved into the new Embassy that took the USG about 12 years to build.  It's very pretty, all shiny and new -- doesn't smell like ass yet.  Small problem though...nothing really works.  It's kinda like we're working out of a model home.  For God's sake, don't move anything!!  AND, you know how I refuse to use foreign elevators (because they tend to catch on fire and then leave you stranded in them -- I'm not sure foreigners have mastered actual elevator technology)...anyway...I get all the way to my floor - and you can't open the door.  It's locked and you need to know how to open it (I did not).  So I walked down to Post One to complain to the marine (because I always forget and think they will care) (FYI, they don't.)  And he sent me to see the security guy on another floor - so I get in the stairs -- AND IT'S EFFIN LOCKED! 

So I used the elevator.  Amazingly enough, it did not internally combust.....so I figured...NOW it's going to be a good day...

So I decided to go to the new-improved cafeteria to get a cup of coffee.  The Embassy forgot to order coffee.   (Note to Self: write strongly worded letter to Congressman)  (Additional Note to self: Find out who is your Congressman.)  Also, not sure Cafeteria workers speak English or Arabic.  Might actually be mute, which could be a tragedy....(Note to Self: Bring sock puppet or make big picture of yummy coffee).

So I figured that all was not lost...I'll just go into the office and get a cup of coffee there.  I mean, we're the USG.  They provide us coffee pots in the office...we just need to bring in our own coffee.  SURELY someone remembered that.  -- There was no coffee pot, no microwave, and no mugs or anything....SO (Are you still riveted??  This is exciting shit isn't it? Twists, plot turns...etc)  I did some calming measures -- good air in....bad air out.... -- and ran around the office in a panic.  Turns out, I sort created an angry mob.  Afterwards, I was thinking that maybe this was not technically what I was going for in my "be more positive" campaign...but, we did get a coffee pot and microwave by the next morning, so really....if you think about it...I'm a damn HERO!

I'll probably get some kind of award.  So after my triumph, I decided to get started on my work, because I'm totally a dedicated public servant like that....

The Embassy forgot to hook up the printers.  Now I know we're all trying to be an electronic, paperless, green society and all -- BUT THEY WON'T ACCEPT MY FORM UNLESS I SIGN IT AND SUBMIT A HARDCOPY TO THEM!!!

I think we all know what is going on here: The Embassy discriminates against non-1970s era blue pens who are not made by the Lighthouse for the Blind. 

Tomorrow I will be positive.  Tomorrow I will be nice to a foreigner.  Tomorrow I will go to the gym.  Tomorrow I will drive to work and not consider running over people.  Tomorrow will be better.   You'll see.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Dear Internet Pharmacist,

I am writing you this note to thank you sooo much for the prescriptions you sent me for Adderall and Xanax.  Imagine my surprise and utter delight that these little blessings from internet pharmacy heaven also come in a tasty chocolate flavor.  Although I was a little bit confused when I I opened the first package to find that you had mixed the two together in one package, I figured that is what you pharmacists do when you ship in bulk.  I mean, when you're shipping that many to one address you really shouldn't have to worry about counting them all.  I mean, it filled the baggie - we'll call it good. 

I must say, however, that you should probably think about writing a strongly worded letter to the Pharmaceutical company your internet pharmacy uses.  They seemed to have spelled Adderall wrong and also Xanax.  Granted, not everyone is an internet certified WebMD like myself, however, I would have guessed that pharmaceutical companies would have spell check capability. 

I'm not complaining mind you.  Don't get me wrong.

Also, I wonder was it necessary to label each pill as Michel's Adderall and/or Michel's Xanax??? What if I wanted to share with someone in need here -- hahaha! I know, that sounds totally silly as we've already established that I do not share. 


However, on the off chance, that I wanted to impress my WedMD customers or "Patients" as I like to call them, it would be very difficult for me to dispense these drugs without them knowing that I am also on these drugs (which cannot possibly inspire confidence in your WebMD, frankly.)  I'm just saying....for future reference....you might want to think about Spell Check and leaving the Name off of the individual pills.  You know...for Safety Reasons....

And finally, I just wanted to let you know -- you know, for customer feedback and all -- that I am not really seeing the results I was promised in the latest issue of Us Weekly with the Adderall.  Maybe it was the generic "Addermall" and "Xanadu" brand, but I'm not really feeling that zen or losing any weight like the movie stars do.  I've even upped my dosage to one handful of each per day....and in the interest of full disclosure, I pretty much almost finished one whole package.  Perhaps I need some sort of instruction manual on how many to take and at what intervals.  I mean...they almost taste like candy...those drugs are just. that. good.

Anyway, just wanted to send you a note to say thank you sooo much for my Rx care package.  I have been recommending my internet pharmacist to all my friends.  Normally, this would probably result in an increase in business for  you and your internet pharmacy, however, I totally forgot that I hate other people.  So word hasn't gotten around as one would assume.

Wishing you the best in your internet pharmacy career,

Internet WebMd   

Friday, March 19, 2010

Explaining American Holidays ..or Maybe it was Irish....I'm Not Really Sure

Sudanese Official:  Did you have a nice time on your vacation?

Me: Oh yes! It was fabulous...so much grass and trees.  It was just lovely.

Sudanese Official:  silence

Me: Oh....well, Khartoum is really nice and all, I mean, the people are soooo friendly.  I had a great time and all, but I missed Sudan and was ready to come back (no I wasn't).

Sudanese Official: Uh-hmmm...well....

Me: Luckily, the Embassy is hosting a St. Patrick's Day Party tonight...you know, to ease my transition from vacation back to work.  I mean, you can't just go back cold turkey you know.

Sudanese Official:  Cold turkey??

Me: (Jebus Dude!  Don't you have to leave???)  Umm.....just jump right back in to being in Sudan....

Sudanese Official: (offended look)

Me: (SHIT!) not IN Sudan, you know....work....ummm...working.

 (awkward silence)

Me: I'm umm....I'm lazy.

Sudanese Official:  (cough) What is this St. Patrick's Day??

Me: Oh?  Well, it's a day dedicated to St. Patrick...he's a catholic Saint.....from.....Ireland....or the UK...wait! It might have been just Ireland. I can never remember which part is which...it's too confusing.  But he's an Irish Saint. ...   He wore green...

Sudanese Official:  What did he do?

Me:  Ummm...I think...ummm....well, he was a saint.  Good guy.  Helped the Irish, and maybe the British, oh....probably not the British.  Nobody really knows for sure.  They weren't the UK at that time, so he might have helped the British, but he probably didn't know they were British. 

Sudanese Official: But what did he do??

Me;  Umm....I think he gave the Irish people beer and green clovers.  Ummm.. they didn't have any.  Maybe a lucky charm....

Sudanese Official:  (silence)

Me:  Well, maybe not green beer...I think that's new.  But ...the important part is that we have a party.  And it is fun.  ....Ummm...I can't wait.  ....heh heh hmm....should be fun.  yaay.

Sudanese Official:  So you drink alcohol for a religious holiday?

Me:  Well, yes.  It's an IRISH  holiday.  It's their way.  I'm not here to judge.  But it's not just that...I mean, we wear green and there is traditional food...

Sudanese Official:  What is the traditional food?

Me:  (SHIT!)  Ummm....there's corned beef and cabbage and ....ummm...Irish Stew....ummm...boiled potatoes.

Sudanese Official:  Corned beef?  What is this corned beef????

Me:  Oh...corned beef?  Well, it's beef...that is corned.  They corn it....you know, the beef.  Corned... 

Sudanese Official:  You mean they put corn with beef?

Me:  No.  It's corned.  I dunno.  The Irish like to corn their beef.  ummm...it's not not yucky.

Sudanese Official: Not yucky??

Me:   Well, I'm not sure it's really good per se...but it's not BAD.  I mean, I don't choose it most times, but I think cause I'm not really sure how to make it.  And I forget it's there most of the time.  It's kinda salty.  Like jerky, but not hard and chewy.  But with cabbage.

Sudanese Official:  So you drink and eat salty beef?  To honor a saint??  I don't understand.  How does that honor him?

Me:  I mean....it's not that bad. I mean, you make it sound like it's silly or something.  It's not.  That's not ALL...we also....well, we....you know....we wear green.

Sudanese Official: Oh.


Sudanese Official:  Well then...have a nice time. 

Me:  (SHIT!  Sorry America...and Ireland...I'll stop talking to people....)

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Walking the Green Mile....

So we've returned to Khartoum.  I gotta tell you, flying back to Khartoum is not as much fun as flying out of Khartoum.  I'm not sure why really...well, yes I am.  Although the people are super nice, and shockingly unsmelly overall, when you leave here, you realize everything it does not have.  Things like Starbucks, paved roads with rules that people actually follow, and grass.  You know, important stuff you never really realized was important until you see otherwise.

Anyway, so we spent a week on the beach in Abu Dhabi, and when I say "we" I mean "Me" - Josh was all busy, claiming he needed to "get ready" for the triathlon he signed up for....Naturally, I was supportive and helpful with his preparations.  I pointed out that it was 120 degrees outside and that I was waaaay hot from walking back to the resort from the beach.  Then (because I am saintly and giving) I told him that although it was very likely that he was going to die if he tried to swim, bike and run in the Arab Emirates for over 8 hours, that I really hoped he lived -- but if he didn't I intended to clean out the mini-bar because I'm sure they would give me the giant kit kat bar out of pity.

I know, right?? My dedication to my wifelyness is inspiring.

Anyway, Josh did not die...and in fact, he did really well on the race.  Finished in 8 hours and 35 minutes.  Not too shabby.  Me?  I brought my kindle and sat on the sidelines on the off chance that he might run by me....I was exhausted!  And then we go sushi and it was all better!

So then we returned to Khartoum.  Welcome to Haboob Season.  I'd post a picture, but I seem to have run down my batteries on my camera and "misplaced" the charger (and I'm too lazy to go look for it).  Anyway, we're back now, in the land that the mail fairy seemed to have lost and the dirt fairy found. 

It's going to take me a bit to get over the post-vacation funk.....bear with me!

Saturday, March 6, 2010

I'm Not Sure I've Mentioned this Yet....

But it is 'effin HOT here.  HOT I tell you...and, as everyone keeps reminding me, we're just getting started with the heat, by the end of the month, it's back to my self-titled "scientific experiment month" -- the month where I put shit outside on a rock and see if it will cook and/or melt really cool-like. 

People need to know this....

Anyway, since it's hot, we've decided to take yet another R&R (I know, right?! it totally seems like I am never working -- yaay me! -- however, I realized I forgot to use one of my authorized vacations they give me per year and I totally ain't giving that shit up!) so....in order to escape the heat and the dirt, we've decided to take a vacation to....Abu Dhabi?! 

We're leaving one  hot, dirty, sandstorm-riddled area in Africa and are headed to a hot, dirty sandstorm riddled area in the gulf.   Why?? for the love of all that's holy WHY? YOU ASK!? (as did I?)  Because (a) Stupid Sudan is having national elections soon and I am supposed to be here so I can pretend to care deeply about the "issues" facing Sudan so I can't be gone long; and (b) Josh is participating in a triathlon in Abu Dhabi.  -- Which is apparently why he insisted on hoggin the mail fairy so his "gear" could arrive and he could be prepared for his race and not die.  I'm guessing I probably shouldn't have eaten his power bars...but seriously, who could have known! 

There should have been a sign.

And finally (since I really don't have anything to say) I would just like to point out that we watched a movie this weekend (which I also realize you guys probably all saw like 6 months ago, but just be polite and pretend to listen) "The Road"  with that one guy who was in Hidalgo and used to be soo dreamy until I found out that he likes to write poetry and commune with Nature (that's not my way).    Did you guys see this?? The world is basically dying (I'm still not sure why, or what happened frankly) and that guy in Hidalgo and his son try to go south and avoid cannibals (why are cannibals always depicted like they're from West Virginia?  And why do people from West Virginia always manage to LIVE when everyone else dies off...the inbred people seem to thrive in a catastrophe.....someone should really study that or something.  Learn their secret.)

ANYWAY, I'm not sure what happened, or why I watched that movie.  All I know is that I am going to hoard some shoes (?? No, I'm not sure what happened to everyone's shoes frankly) and some canned fruit cocktail.  Don't ask questions.....trust me.  Just do it. 

You never know when something will happen that will make all the animals die and the people from West Virginia eat you.   It's good to plan ahead.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Well SHIT! Now I Gots to Apologize....

Damnitt!  Turns out, I should have read the ENTIRE email Anthropologie sent to me, and not just the first two sentences...because apparently, only the frilly shirt with capped sleeves was not being shipped to me (I think the Sudanese Vice President likely took the last one), because I apparently put it in my cart three months ago,, and they no longer carry it.  SOOO, when the mail fairy finally arrived here at Khartoum International Airport, she brought me TWO packages from Anthropologie! 

In my defense however, WHO READS A WHOLE EMAIL!?!? That is a lot of words.  I don't have that kinda time....

I gotta tell you - that shit is cute, yo!  Although, I still stand by my criticism of your catalog Anthropologie...I'm not sure who picks out your outfits (I assume it is someone's four year old daughter) but the stuff is adorable! You don't need to put seven seemingly random items on  one model....

However, in keeping with his hatefulness (the mail fairy has been really, REALLY lazy lately...prior to yesterday's mail, she came about three weeks ago and all she brought was Josh's BS.  I was PISSED!  No mail for a full month and we get stupid gear and power bars!?!?!  I was this close to leaving him..but then I remembered that I can torture him much, much better if I remain...and can follow him from room to room in the house to let him know how much he honks for hoggin the mail fairy!) ....AND THEN Josh tells me "You look very nice in your new clothes honey."   What the hell is that supposed to mean!?!?! 

(That's what you get for hoggin the mail fairy.  Oh, it's game on....GAME ON Joshua!)

Well Played Anthropologie.... well played.  You may have won this round..but this is NOT over!