Wednesday, May 26, 2010

I'm Sorry...It's WHAT Day???

Ummm.... it has come to my attention that I am going to have to go back to work next week.  WTF....NEXT WEEK!?  I thought I was going to have a LONG vacation?? What happened to my long vacation???

I had a big long list of shit I wanted to do while I was on vacation and -- ahem -- let's just say I didn't get to a few of them:

  • Write Thank You notes to everyone who sent me crap while we were in Khartoum (and I was using the "we can't send mail out from Khartoum" excuse)  WHAT!?  You don't know that's not true!?  Well, technically I could have sent LETTER mail, but I didn't have any damn stamps!  Stop judging me!!!   GEEZ Judgey McJuderson!  Lay off!  I was going to do it, but now I can't really remember who sent me what, or pretty much anything about Khartoum in's all a blur...not my fault.
  •   Brush up on my French -- or, as I like to call it: Learn it (again).
  • Teach Dillon Obedience.  Not really sure why I even bothered to write that one down.  I think we all know that Dillon can have whatever he wants, whenever he wants it.  The boy pretty much has me trained...(although I'm not sure he's feeling comfortable in his new home.  It's like he needs to find a place of his own -- where he can stretch out and just relax.  I should buy him his own couch...He really shouldn't have to share with Josh. 
  • Write my memoirs and become rich and famous --  However, I figured out I would have to actually remember shit to write actual memoirs...and then I would actually have to WRITE them.  That sounds like a lotta steps man....It's just not gonna work.
  •   Eat and Drink in Moderation -- Let's face it:  toilet brush and rug are enablers.  It's like they want me to fail!
  • Become Addicted to Exercise -- you know how they say that if you do something for two weeks, it becomes habit and you will NEED to do it??  They're liars.  Bastards.
  • Create a Financial Plan and Monthly Budget.  Apparently, you're not supposed to just spend money until the bank calls you and tells you to knock it the hell off...Seriously?  Someone really should have said something sooner.  I blame society.
  • Lose 10 15 20 -- oh, who are we kidding -- 30 pounds.  Damn you acaiaiaieieio berry!  LAZY!

Actually, I don't have enough time (or the will) to do any of the above...however, I'm not a total loser....I'll just make a new list.  A BETTER that I can accomplish:

  • Buy the same pair of pants at Eastern Mountain Sports as you did at REI (because you forgotted and I think we all know they're totally cute -- and they dry fast too.  Obviously, you need two...)  Done!
  • Watch a Law & Order Marathon (daily).  Done!!
  • Brush up on current Reality TV shows to ensure you can gab with the cool kids once you get to the office (Biggest Loser - the hell can a person lose that much weight in 7 months?? By leaving it laying around DAMNITT! that's how....because obviously, I found it!!!)  Done!!!
  • Sit and stare at the treadmill.  Think to yourself..."I should really just get on that damn thing...In fact, if I simply walked while I watched this Law & Order Marathon I could probably do some good...maybe lose some weight"  -- FYI, That totally would have been cool if I had done my defense...I did think about it...a lot...  Done! 
  • Take Dillon to PetSmart so often that the cashiers call you "dude" and Dillon "little Dude."  Done!

Sunday, May 23, 2010

What I Did on my Summer Vacation....Nothing...

Okay, so I decided I should probably leave the house at some point during my month at home.   Mostly because I have nothing to say when I sit on the couch and watch TV -- and, I'm becoming scarily addicted to the stupid reality TV shows like Dancing with the Stars, American Idol, and The Biggest Loser. (Although, I was really sad to hear that Law and Order  is going off the air....WTF!? (It is the best TV show EVER -  SHUT UP BLOGNUT! It is! You're just jealous.)

What the hell is Jack McCoy supposed to do now?? You can't just throw him out at his age!? How is he supposed to find work in this economy?  We should start some sort of a fund to help him during his retirement....his Ameritrade commercials can't possibly sustain him -- nobody even really knows what that does, they can't possibly provide health insurance for him...) Then, I also found some show on TNT (When I was searching for Law and Order re-runs) called Supernatural and it scared the bejebus out of me....but I couldn't seem to turn the channel because I needed closure - what if that shit is still out there?? And then a second episode starts while the credits are running and I'm still recovering from the first one and BAM! I'm sucked in again.  Next thing I know, it's 4:00 and I haven't gotten out of my pjs....

Vacation is bliss.  Pure bliss.  The fact that I'm not bored is a testament to the people in my head, frankly.  Or, I'm just pure lazy.  Either way.

YOU SEE!?  The above is exactly why I had to exit this house.  And that's when I made a crucial discovery:  Have you ever noticed that Mormons are ridiculously good looking?? Seriously.  Stop for a minute and think about it.  They're damn pretty people.  If someone looks all happy, healthy and American-like...they're probably Mormon. 

Frankly, that pisses me off.  Is it just good genes?  Or, did being Mormon make them pretty?  Why can't Catholics be that pretty?? And, if this issue is as easy to spot as I think it was (it took me like 4 minutes) then why the hell didn't my mom make me Mormon??  I know the whole competing faith premise thing, but damnitt! I could have used a little bit of that prettiness in high school.  SELFISH mother!!

Anyway, that was just my first day outside.  That night, we went out to dinner and drinks for a friend's birthday and once again I ended up back inside with my best friends toilet brush and rug for the entire next day, listening to Josh lecture me on why my old-ass body doesn't want me to drink and maybe I should have listened to him when he told me I should not have that 12th glass of wine and that just because  we now live within walking distance of the bars and restaurants does not mean I have to get our money's worth by getting rip roaring drunk.  (However, I contend that I am being fiscally responsible.  We would not have known how crucial and cool it is to be able to walk to places if I did not prove the theory for us.  Josh needs to recall that he did not have to remain sober while I did our social experiment.  That, my dearest, is reason enough to thank me!  It's almost like I'm a saint.  Josh is seriously lucky!  He should write that down...)

Maybe I should just stay inside for a little bit more.  You see, we really should build to full integration.  I've lost my ability to drink/eat in moderation and tend to forget that people can actually hear me after I have been drinking, that I am not, in fact, in a bubble. 

Who knew?! 

When does the next Law and Order Marathon start??

Thursday, May 20, 2010

I Had to Post This....It's not Mine, but it Should Have Been....

In 1972, Joe Miller was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Tulsa Junior College .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.  The elephant seemed distressed, so Joe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Joe worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to Joe, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.  Joe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.  Joe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Thirty years later, Joe was walking through the Tulsa Zoo with his family. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Joe and his family were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Joe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1972, Joe could not help wondering if this was the same elephant...  Joe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Joe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bullshit stories (you know who you are).

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Some Things Never Change....

Yep...It's official.  Josh was right.  I'm bat shit crazy....  It's like when you finally acknowledge that you have a problem (usually after you hit rock bottom).  For me, it was this weekend.  This weekend, I had to face reality:  I'm one of those crazy dog people.  I'm literally that person.  I'm that freak you see walking around in public with dog hair on their shirts, but they don't seem to notice.  The lady who buys the furminator and who lobbied for over 15 minutes in REI that we needed to buy the little boots for the dog before the camping trip because he'd be walking over rocks and stuff (WHAT!?  I stand behind that one!!! That shit hurts your feet!!!)  (Don't panic.  I lost that one.  We are a dog-bootieless family.)

Anyway, for those of you who have not read this blog since the beginning, I will briefly recap.  (Those of you non-lazy people who know the history can go get a snack and come back later. )  Okay, so prior to our departure for Khartoum I found out that we couldn't take the dogs on the plane -- Kernel was too big for accompanying baggage and cargo into Sudan is not an option if you want your pet to actually live through the trip....and we found out not long after, that Sudan associated swine-flu with domestic dogs, so Jack couldn't make it either.  Long story short, I found them both a home with a retired fireman who lives on 10 acres.  My city-raised boys didn't know what hit them!  Fast forward to our return - and I go out to visit the boys....they're all very happy.  The guy who adopted them is all alone and obviously loves them (well, who wouldn't?!  My babies rock!) and we didn't want to take them away from him.  (Plus, the condo only allows you to have one baby - so it would be like Sophie's Choice....)  SOOOO, we were going to be dogless.

But obviously (since I'm bat shit crazy...focus people!) I cannot be dogless.  So we rescued a puppy from the Friends of Homeless Animals.  After approximately 2 weeks of interviews (let's just say I'm not the only bat-shit crazy dog freak around the DC area...) we brought little Dillon home. 

Okay, so those of you getting a snack - you need to come back now (did you bring me a snack?!  WTF!?  HATEFUL!)...this is new and exciting info...okay, more new than exciting and probably not really "exciting" per se, more along the lines of I'm obviously going to have to go back to work and/or outside of the house if I want to find anything exciting to ever talk about again....ANYWAY, we went camping this weekend (because I'm outdoorsey like that...and I got some new REI pants that dry within seconds, so I totally had to test them out!) and we brought Baby Dillon.  NOW, how am I so sure that I am bat shit crazy you ask??

Almost every picture I took of our camping trip is of Dillon or our friends' dogs, Dexter and Piper.  There were FOUR people on this trip.  I don't think I have 4 photos of people.  SOO, since I went to the trouble of taking 792 pictures of the dogs - I figured I should share them with you.  And yes, I do know that I am crazy. 


Meet Dillon....

That's Dillon's nose...

And Dillon's friends...

Just in case you wondered why it was you don't drink water right out of stream...because Dillon is still mastering the "Potty outisde" issue...he still needs some clarification...

And finally, this is Josh participating in the "Mc'Lympics" we hosted during our camping trip.  (We lost.  He sucks.)

sooo, now that we're all on the same page and I'm currently unemployed(ish) and living on my couch...and because I'm still working on my masterpiece that outlines why "The Biggest Loser" is the most addicting TV show of all time (and yet, I still want a snack when I watch it), you'll just have to content yourself with 792 pictures of Dillon.  However, don't worry.  I won't turn this into a Dillon blog. 

Pictures of my visit to Jack and Kernel are coming next week. 

Friday, May 14, 2010

You Should All be Pissed at Josh....Because I Totally Am!!!

So today, I had to go to the doctor to get a CT scan of my snotty nose -- the doc claims I am not allergic to anything and when I questioned her medical degree  -- technically, I asked her if she was WebMD certifiied (like myself) and then pointed out that the Kleenex company sends me Christmas and birthday cards...Therefore, something is not "normal," and maybe she should climb up offa that prescription pad and dole me out some medical advice...I mean, would it KILL you to give me some damn adderall????

(YES mother...I am well aware that Adderall does not cure a snotty nose...I didn't attend literally 3s of hours of internet medical school on webmd for nothing!?  HOWEVER, if that ho is going to sit there and tell me that I am not allergic to anything, but then have the nerve to pass me a kleenex box - the bitz better be giving me somethin'...AND, I kinda think that it might help me in my quest to fit into my pants...that's the rumor on the street...)

ANYWAY, so Josh comes home from language class and decides he and Dillon (the dog) are going to go with me to the doc - so I'm thinking, "how sweet is that!?  He's worried about me!!" 
So he drops me off.

I spend 30 minutes filling out forms -- mostly checking the box "no" for have you ever had ebola, but then adding parenthesis to explain that I might  have had Ebola. but that I had diagnosed it myself on webMd one night after a dinner at some random Sudanese man's house.  I feel they should know this option, because if it wasn't ebola - it was a brain tumor.  Or maybe stomach cancer.  Or gas.  We'll never know...

I finally emerge after my CT scan and wait for Josh and Dillon to come pick me up...I mean, I just underwent a serious medical procedure...

And I waited....

Then I waited some more....

Then off in the distance I see Josh arriving. They pull up.  I get into the car, expecting to be quizzed on how it went - did I think I would many days did they give me before the end....

Josh was finishing an ice cream cone.  Dillon had ice cream breath and sticky shit all over his nose. 

They didn't bring me one. Dillon at least had the decency to look guilty.   Josh pointed out that ice cream was not on my diet.

.WTF Joshua!?!  The DOG gets an ice cream cone...but not me!???

Obviously, my only option is divorce...does anyone know a good attorney?? Someone experienced with ice cream cruelty issues??   I think we have a pretty clear case of inhumane treatment here....or maybe brain cancer.

We'll never know.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Spoiler Alert!!!

Organic = Yucky.  Mother 'effin YUCKY. 

How can I be sure of this, you ask??  WELL....since we've returned to the USA, I've been all trying to be "healthy" (and when I say "healthy" I mean trying to fit back into my pants -- which is not as simple as one might think.  WTF Science!?  Where the hell is my fat pill!?  WHAT IS TAKING SO LONG!?  LAZY!) -- and, according to the TV (which is where I get most of my information) in order to be truly "healthy," we apparently need to go full yuppie and purchase everything organic. 

To make matters worse, Josh has also started spouting all kinds of nonsense that cake is not healthy!  WTF!?  Is nothing sacred???  ---  However, I think we all know that if I were to make said cake with all organic materials, it's OBVIOUSLY healthy.  (Ha HA!  What now suckah?? )  However, the sad part is that nobody actually remembers how to make a cake without using a box (and when I say "nobody" I mean me) AND do you realize how much work it would be to make a cake not from a box?? WHO HAS THAT KINDA TIME!? 

Therefore,  I would sincerely appreciate it if Duncan Hines or that Bitch Betty Crocker would throw the word "Organic" on both a yellow cake mix and a chocolate frosting can.  Let's be honest:  I'm not going to be able to go without cake.  That's simply inhumane.  

Organic cake mixes were not my point though -- my point is (and I do have one) that Organic shit is yucky.  Case in point: this morning I made some "steel cut Irish oats" for breakfast.  My first clue should have been the "all natural," "organic" and "no sodium" that was written on the outside of the container.  My next clue should have been that it said it needed to simmer for 30 minutes.  (WTF!?  THIRTY MINUTES!?  To make breakfast?? I barely give myself that much time for me to do my hair and make up for heaven's sake! I usually end up with my hair in a pony-tail because I made a deal with myself to sleep an extra 20 minutes -- and it is TOTALLY WORTH IT)....

Now I realize that most of you were already thinking, "ewwweee...Gross!" -- when I mentioned my healthy breakfast... I was fooled into thinking that it wouldn't be so bad.  I mean, I actually thought that I liked Oatmeal. 

Turns out, what I liked was the brown sugar and cinnamon -- neither of which are currently in my house.  (Little known downside to moving: you lose all your spices and condiments...and I can never remember that I need to buy them when I'm at the store -- I'm usually distracted by the cake and cookie mixes when I'm in the spice aisle...)

Newsflash:  plain, organic, steel-cut, Irish oats are DISGUSTING...even if you add dried cranberries like the carton suggests.  Eff -U Irish oat-makers...that's just adding insult to injury.
SOOO, I can only assume that the Irish (much like the Canadians) hate me.  Well, guess what Ireland!?  I hated you LONG BEFORE you hated me.  And, I'm pretty sure that this oatmeal comes from the part of Ireland that is NOT in the UK...

Frankly, after this morning's fiasco, I wouldn't support letting you in the UK either.....

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

I've Been Busy!!!

Okay, no I haven't.  I've been LAZY.  Really lazy.  Lazy to the point that I still refuse to actually get dressed in clothing that is not sweat pants.  However, I have an excuse -- and a really good one too...seriously, it's acceptable....sorta...okay, well, I accepted it...Josh: not so much.  But I'm still on home leave - remember?? The leave where I am supposed to become American again (Josh didn't get any because he's learning to speak gibberish.  That doesn't count.) AND, what says "American" more than sweat pants from Target?? NOTHING DOES! 

God I love Target.

I just had to get that out there.  Target rocks.  And, this is really exciting (probably only to me, but I don't care.  This shit's HUGE!)....Target has GROCERIES and Starbucks!!!  I distinctly recall getting all annoyed before I went overseas that I had to drive to target AND THEN to a grocery store....Target obviously cares about my needs and supports my laziness!

Now, I can go to my local Target (which is conveniently located less than 3 blocks from me) and not only can I get a new pair of sweat pants and the cordless vacuum I have clearly always needed, but never stopped to realize that I wanted until I walked my cart by the vacuum section...

Seriously, can you guys spell vacuum?? Are there two damn U's or two C's??? WTF?  From this day forward, I'm calling it a DIRTSUCKERUPPER....if a word's too hard to spell, we're just not going to use it anymore.  I don't need that kinda stress, frankly. 

ANYWAY, after I put my dirtsuckerupper into my cart with the furminator and lint rollers, I can just stroll over and pick up milk...and milk duds (WHAT?!?!?!  They're Organic Milk duds -- although it doesn't actually say it on the box, I'm sure they are....Duds don't need pesticides.  Therefore, they're healthy.  You don't know.)

Seriously, I heart you Target!  You complete me.

Anyway, other than my regular visitation to Target, I've been attempting to get Cable and Internet.  As you may have guessed I now have internet (I had cable for one day, and it left me today.  I'm not sure what I said or did, but I'm SORRY Cable!! Come back to me DVR!!  I can't watch commercials!? WTF!?  I can change!  Honestly, I can.  And, I have milk duds...I'm just's not all bad here.) 

I would like to point out, however, that I arrived in Sudan on 22 March 2009.  I had internet on 23 March 2009.  I arrive in the US on 15 April 2010.  I managed to get internet on 11 do the math.  (no seriously, math is hard.  You're going to have to do it.  I can't. )  I can only assume that there is only one man who does the cable/internet installation for the entire state of Virginia.  He's obviously busy....AND, God help you if you miss his phone call...they cancel your installation if you don't answer - so I've been answering every call on my stupid phone. 

Josh, would you like to explain how Sport and Health, World Vision, the Toyota and Nissan dealerships and YOUR dentist managed to get my phone number?? If I get one more call that opens with  "We're trying to reach Joshua..." 

Not to worry though...I realized you were probably sad because nobody was calling your phone.  So I contacted the Jehovah's Witnesses and told them you were interested in hearing about their faith....and went online and expressed "interest" in learning more about Abilify and left them your phone number.  I'm not sure what it does, but I know I have not been given a prescription for it (yet)...I might need it.

Please let me know what they say.....