Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Tah Dah!!!

And then the crushing disappointment sets in when you realize that I can't take pics to save my life.

SO, you deal with it.

Okay...so let's get right to it! THESE are the babies!

Are they not the cutest, little, grungiest (and somehow fattest) puppies EVER!? Of course, they are greasy and have ticks all over them...but I still love them.

Josh, you can rest easy -- the local guards won't let me take them...they said that maybe they will let them come into the housing compound...maybe.... but they were worried about them falling into the pool (I'm thinking it might actually be nice for them to be able to swim -- perhaps clean up a tad...I'm just saying puppies...a little personal hygeine will go a long way!)

This is the Catholic Church - you kinda can't see it; however, in my defense - that tree was NOT there when I started to take the picture..... I wasn't allowed to stop and get out of the car to take the photos (not by the Sudanese - they don't care as long as I have my license) but because I was on my way to a meeting (pretending to work) and I can't be that blatant in my goofing off. You see....it's a fine line... However, really REALLY exciting news that I don't think I have thrown in your faces yet - is that the Embassy celebrates all LOCAL holidays in addition to the USG approved holidays. (I mean, it would be rude not to do so.) This year, I pretty much get three Easters.
Jesus would want me to have it.

Fruit stand. (pics are small, I know - I'd be here all night trying to upload them if they were normal sized.....sorry man!) However, fruit here is tiny (so photo pretty much represents actual size) and not so yummy, as it turns out.

Burdj Hotel (can't spell that) - has a FAB gym and spa inside. It's almost like you're not here! However, yearly membership to this gym is close to $3K....Josh is probably not going to approve when we have access to at least three FREE gyms here. When you do the math, the sauna and steam room might not make up for the difference in price (Maybe. Check back with me in two months.)

We took these as I drove around.....it was not easy, we literally created traffic jams as I slowed to a crawl to take the pics...Right now, there are probably some Sudanese drivers who are just now getting over their road rage in the city out there somewhere. I should probably stay out of the downtown area for a bit to let it settle....
The Blue Nile -- which I do realize that you cannot really see....but I'll try to get better pics....I SHOULD actually go to the water and take a pic of that, but frankly, I'm too scared I might get some of it on me!
I think I've been pretty clear about how I feel about Nature touching me....

Monday, March 30, 2009

Unfinished Business

Some of you have left comments questioning not only my sanity, but why did I need a license to take pictures here? (I don't know; because Sudan said so) and how long I will be here? (Two years and/or until they boot me out of country, whichever comes first. My money is on the boot.)

Now onto more Exciting news!!!

I got my Photo permit!! I am legal to take photos (as long as they are not of military areas, bridges, train stations....blah blah....slum areas, beggars and other defaming subjects) of what exactly, I'm not sure... Naturally, I assume you're all as shocked as I was to learn that 2 Sudan days actually DO equal 2 US days.

I totally didn't see that coming. Totally didn't bring the camera with me either!

Here I was thinking my license/permit would be this official laminated thing - kind of like the State of Virginia gives you (only without the height/weight nonsense); but it turns out it's just a normal sized piece of paper with the info in Arabic and my picture stapled on it. I gotta admit, it's a little bit of a letdown. I was hoping for something much more "official" or "legal." Now I'm thinking I totally could have stapled a hideous picture of myself to a piece of paper scratched some Arabic on the paper and taken pics all over town.

I would have gotten caught. It's probably better this way. I don't need an additional challenge. Finding my way to and from work is enough (for now). I'll cause trouble later.

While we're on the subject of pictures -- I would like to know what on earth happened to my neck?? I went from neck rolls in all photos, to now what appears to be NO NECK on my photo license. In fact, if I am honest (which I rarely am) I kinda look like a man! If it weren't for the earrings and lipstick, I'd totally wonder if that were actually my photo (I never really thought I looked man-ish. I may have to re-evaluate some stuff now.) On the bright side, I can probably loan my license out to Josh if/when he ever shows up here. I'm thinking they won't be able to tell....

So tomorrow I will attempt to take some pics of Khartoum. Naturally, because I live in work in a maximum security prison courtesy of the USG, I'm not allowed to photograph the Embassy or our housing from the exterior; but you can be SURE I'm going to be posting pics of those puppies (who will likely move inside within a week. I have started to name them.)

It’s a shame that Josh never reads the whole blog post...there might have been time to put a stop to our acquisition of 5 Sudanese puppies! If only there had been a way to know what I was up to....

If only.....

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Go Figure!

Well, I'm not sick. Apparently, I am so immune to any type of weight loss inducing illness that I can pretty much drink straight from the Nile (White or Blue, take your pick) and pretty much walk it off! DAMNITT!

This is totally reminiscent of my time in Crapistan...I mean, Pakistan (that was uncalled for) when I had every stupid illness under the sun. You name it -- I caught it: Giardia, Salmonella, e-coli, and an array of other intestinal parasites. But I overcame! I somehow managed to cure myself (with the help of some creative sipro-based pharmaceuticals) and never lost a pound.

Only I could manage to gain weight in Sudan.

-----End Bitching-----

So I arrived home from work tonight to find that one of the stray dogs had the cutest little babies!!! They are totally adorable -- until you go to pick them up to love them, and realize they are literally covered in dirt and ticks. (Gag) Poor little foreign puppies! American strays honestly don't know how good they have it!!!

Do not panic Josh. I am not going to adopt (that many) stray pets while I am here. However, you probably shouldn't have left me unattended. That was dumb.

The Embassy has assured me that my photo-taking license will be here within two days. I assume these are Sudanese days - which when converted to US days = 2 months. I'll take pics of the babies when allowed. I'm sure there will be another litter when I get my license. (Is someone writing down all these pics I'm supposed to be taking??)

And finally, congrats goes out to Jane at Gaston Studio for cracking the POTUS acronym (President of the United States). I have no prizes to give -- don't know how to do any of those award things because I am technologically incapable. For heaven's sake, I only recently learned how to link on this -- baby steps people!!

I was totally working on a new diet drink formula here and could have sent you a free sample -- I like to call it, Blue Nile Magic -- but it seems to be non-functioning at this stage of my research. I may need to switch to the White Nile Magic formula instead....I do, however, have some melty M&Ms I found in my laptop case I could award you, but you're pretty much going to have to come here to get it. (Be a lamb, would you, and bring me some Ambien and Oreos when you come.)

I'd hurry if I were you. M&Ms probably won't make it very long here. Chances are pretty slim.

I'm just saying...Little Debbie's been missing since Thursday.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

That's Gonna Leave a Mark!!!

Ummm....today I found out something distrubing. So you know how the Embassy provides everyone with a large distiller so that we always have potable water?? (Potable! I always think that word is funny. Reminds me of POTUS, which always makes me giggle.....)

Sidenote: Today's acronym is POTUS -- ACTUALLY, I am not going to tell you! You have to guess. First correct answer wins. Although, I should probably caveat that there pretty much is no prize. (Kinda lame, I know!)

Anyway, can we get back to ME now?? Sheesh! So although I have been brushing my teeth with the local water (because I believe it helps me in some magical way) I have been diligently using the distilled water for my drinking water, coffee, cooking, etc. I'm always waaaay careful with that! Believe me, you only have to learn that particular lesson once!!! So I am filling up my water bottle and I finally notice that there is no noise that happens when I do that -- usually, you get water out, it automatically refills and then distills the water right then....and then I look... the distiller is NOT ON!

Not only have I been drinking what pretty much amounts to tap water, I've been drinking tap water that has been stagnant for the last 6 days -- MINIMUM. So in essence, I've been pouring myself a big ole glass of stomache ache and runs!!!

However, looking on the bright side, there technically IS no better diet on the planet!!!

And, in response to yesterday's post, after reading the emails and comments whereby you guys pointed out that perhaps it was not wise to actually sleep in a room where you have a neurological agent misting you as you sleep -- I checked the package on my Raid freshener and asked everyone here if they have lost their gross motorskills because of this. (WHO KNEW Raid on a continual basis would be bad??) Turns out, it is not Raid per se, but more like those candles that you light that keep the mosquitos away. Nobody Panic!! FALSE Alarm.

So no! The Raid will not kill me. The tapwater pretty much already has that covered.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Day 5: NSTR

For those of you who are NOT married to someone who was previously in the military: NSTR = Nothing Significant to Report. I should start a daily acronym identification public service campaign for you all.... However, in case you haven't noticed, I'm not so big on follow through -- so the campaign will probably last like 1 day...so enjoy today's because it's likely all you're going to get!!

ANYWAY, I got up this morning -- I can't seem to get turned around on the time zone yet, so I'm up every morning at the butt crack of dawn -- and then drove around ALL DAY today. I gotta tell ya, it was pretty fun. Naturally, I brought my own personal Pochohantas with me so that I didn't end up in Djbouti asking random passersby for directions. BUT, when I got back to my house later this afternoon, I decided to take a wee little nap and then just woke up - it's about 0100.

I'm totally F'd now. Crap.

Someone send me some Ambien -- DAN!? Why am I friends with your wife if you're not going to give me bootleg prescription drugs!? COME ON! And, I am totally disappointed to report that you cannot just walk in and purchase drugs here at the pharmacies (like you can in Pakistan and many other third world countries). And this makes me sad. Now how am I supposed to self-medicate for my imagined illnesses??

Anyway, some little known facts -- remind me to document via photos if/when I ever get my photography license (however, I haven't actually turned in my form yet and I think (but am not sure) that the requests are processed quicker if you actually submit the form...but that could just be urban legend around these parts. We'll never know for sure.

So, when you're walking along the "sidewalks" (not to be confused with what we call sidewalks) you have to actually look down at all times because there are random (and human sized - even my human sized, aka GINORMOUS) holes in the sidewalks that apparently lead to the center of the earth because you can't actually see the bottom!! I give myself approximately 7 days before I fall down the "well." There will be reporters swaming to Sudan to covering the debacle of the decade!! They headline will be "Bitch in the Well"- if you see that headline, you know it's me and you KNOW that's going to be ugly.

Also, they gots some really nice hotels here! Apparently, Matt Damon was here a few weeks ago (he didn't ask about me though, I KNOW! I was ask shocked as you are.....Jackass!) and they say that there is always some random Star with a cause here. OMG! What if Daniel Craig shows up?!! You KNOW there will be an international incident if that happens. You should probably prepare yourself now.

(Side Note: Josh, pls add Daniel Craig to my list...just in case!) I mean think about it! How cool would that be!? He might actually talk to me here! You have to be prepared!! I should think about maybe combing my hair....maybe later. I don't want to rush into anything.

And finally, you know those air fresheners that you plug into the wall and it "freshens" your house for like 3o days?? Well, they have them here too, but it doesn't contain Febreeze -- Nay, instead they freshen their houses with RAID! Seriously, they have bug killer fresheners here. Naturally, I totally bought one! As I am quickly finding out, every bit of the Nature here will either Kill you or cause lesions all over your face --so I'm all about the Raid! You'll all know it's working if I live....

Thursday, March 26, 2009

It Was a Record Day....

Today Miss Daisy drove all by my own self!! I still have to follow others because seriously, the directions leave a little bit to be desired:

"You head down "S Road" (S being a name that describes how the road looks on the map, not because it is named S, or because it starts with an S, or even has an S in it...I think technically its name is something with all vowels and then a string of consonants -- hence, "S.") Then turn left at the large pile of dirt with the plastic bags on top, head straight(ish) down that road until you reach a paved road and go right by the man with one leg who leans on the big sign, make an immediate right by the pack of stray dogs that sleep in the road....(don't wake them, they're sleepy). The embassy is right down there -- you can't miss it!

Usually, we describe our Embassy overseas as the large structure you can't see because it is literally surrounded by huge concrete barriers with constantine razor wire on top......"when you come to a building that may or may not be a maximum security prison, look up. If you see a flag - that's us!"

I gotta admit, moving to a new post - to a new office - and to a new culture is a bit overwhelming!! I feel like an idiot who can't even get herself to work and assume everyone is mocking me (because you KNOW I totally would mock them for this same shit!)

Damnitt! Foiled again!!

I also found out that my choice of shoes to bring was woefully inadequate. Here is my dilemma: Okay, so it's HOT here....and not just hot, it's AFRICA HOT! So naturally you would assume that you wouldn't want to wear closed shoes (for those of you in the north, think back to your last beach vacation...would you want to have your normal work shoes?? NO!) SO, after actually putting some THOUGHT into it, I packed mostly my sandals and open toed shoes, thinking I would be tres chic!

Turns out, NOTHING is paved and sidewalks have not yet been invented here (I am totally gonna make a fortune on this when I crack the sidewalk code for the Sudanese! I'll be their national hero!) and even though there are high tech signs and beautiful buildings, nobody thought to do anything about the roads or walkways. (I would take more pics for you, but I found out I'm not allowed to take any pics until I get my "Pass" from the Ministry of Interior here. I don't wanna get PNG'd from Sudan and have to go back to Washington and explain that I was booted and shamed the USG because I totally wanted to illustrate the seriousness of this dirt issue on my blog. How totally awkward would THAT be??)

ANYWAY, (stay with me here) when you walk outside, your shoes literally fill up with dirt. Normally, I would bitch, but eventually get over it. HOWEVER, I also had to check in with the medical office here at the Embassy (where I got my info on the Lassa Fever -- day 3, no headache or fever yet...my organs are safe from melting another day) who ALSO informed me about the "worms" that get into you by burrowing into your skin -- where do those worms live?? They live in the damn dirt.

WTF?!?!....How the hell is anyone left alive here??

Clearly, I need to baracade myself in either my office or my house because I cannot take another factoid about Africa! I already was bit by a mosquito and assume I now have malaria on top of my Lasso Fever.... PLUS, I just found out from reading Jane's blog that Mother F'in snakes can Mother F'in kill you AFTER they are Mother F'in dead!

Can a Mother F'er get a Mother F'in break up in this place!?!?!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009


It's a hardship post!!!!

(Warning: Spell Check does not work here!!! Or, I can't find the damn button -- could go either way....see number 4 for more information.....)

DAMNITT! you guys have NO IDEA the pain and suffering that I am currently suffering (was that proper grammar?? I am so distraught, I can't even tell!) Remember how great Sudan was yesterday?? Well, I found the catch (and there's always a catch...)

(1) Coke Light DOES NOT EQUAL Diet Coke (where is that little = sign with the line through it??) because WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!? It's worse than Tab....remember back in the day when diet soda still had some calories, but they added like dandilions to it instead of sugar? And it tasted like dirt? Remember that?? Sudan apparently still utilizes the dandilion making diet soda technology...It's an abomination!

(2) There Was No Iron in My Welcome Kit!!! Naturally, I turned to a life of crime and jacked one from another residence, but still.....I'm opening myself up for further God Smoting....

(3) Sudan has Lassa Fever... Why was I not told of this illness that starts with a headache and then a fever.... and then 6 days later your internal organs melt?!? I demand a recount! WTF! (Do I have a headache?? Is my head hot??) Plus, where the hell does that come from?? I suspect the Nile...but I can't prove it. (Did you ever notice that crap always seems to come from nature and/or standing water?? I KNEW IT!)

(4) When I Log onto the Internet, the Options Are All in ARABIC. I can't read that decorative fancy Arabic!! Who am I kidding? I can't read non-fancy Arabic!...Well, technically I can sound it out - but it's a damn guessing game trying to figure out which text to push to create a new post! I think I might have flagged my blog like 7 times already for offensive conduct (frankly, I'm probably not the only one to have done that....)

and finally,

(5) A Small Box of Oreos Costs 22 Sudanese Pounds.....divide by 2.25 to convert to US dollars...is....ummm.....damnitt! carry the 7..... A number that can never be known!! (God only knows what REAL food would cost! ) WHY didn't I pay attention in school!? Now we'll never know!!! Damnitt! MATH IS HARD! Now I'm forced to ration my oreo consumption! I've gone and moved to the Great Depression!!!

Clearly, I am going to have to expedite a visa for Little Debbie and start smuggling her into the country. It's the only way to salvage this.....

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

No Shit! There I was......

Well, technically, There I Still Am....(when I write my memoirs, I am totally going to name it "No Shit There I was...." because that totally makes me seem that much more cool.)

However, I should probably be honest (for a change) up front in case you're expecting to hear really exciting news from here on out. I think we should all just come to terms right away with the fact that my life is boring! Unless of course you want to hear about how I went to work, got my badge for the Embassy and then went home...because that there is the exciting shit I encountered today!!!!

I KNOW!!! I was totally disappointed too, being a diplomat is kinda lame in reality...absolutely NOTHING like the movies...there is no glamour and you do not magically morph into looking like Angelina Jolie....(I should totally sue!)

However, there IS a good side. You do not need an alarm clock in Sudan as the call to prayer at the butt crack of dawn handles that for you....

I do realize that NOBODY is going to believe I actually made it out of the country -- even I was starting to question whether or not I was making the whole thing up!! So I give you PHOTOGRAPHIC PROOF!! (Yes, I also realize that savvy internet readers know that I could have created an elaborate plan to fake photos - however, if you read this blog regularly you clearly know that I'm waaay too lazy for that.)

My backyard.....Aint life grand?!? That said, God smoted me again! Today marks the first "Haboob" of the season (sandstorm). Nice. Although the photos don't really caputure it, imagine walking outside and eating a big ole handful of dirt.

I know that many of you will be jealous of the pool in the backyard, so I included a pic of the kitchen and bathroom to regain your pity....

Days in country: 1, International incidents: 0 -- So far, so good!!

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Leaving on jet plane - Or so she says....

So, I finally dropped Michel (and 6,000 lbs of luggage) off at Dulles Airport this afternoon for her flight to Sudan.  I should have been sad and tearful, but frankly, she's been "leaving" for weeks and I think I speak for everyone when I say:  "LEAVE ALREADY!"  Sheesh!  We all need to get on with our lives!  Plus, I think there's a decent chance she'll show up here again in a couple weeks after she's been ejected from Sudan for causing some sort of international incident, likely involving George Clooney and cookies.  Stay tuned...

- Liz

Saturday, March 21, 2009

The Day O'Spackle

Today Liz and I had a beauty day. I realize I probably jinxed myself yet again, -- preparing to leave -- but I couldn't leave the continental US with un-pedicured toes and 1980s brows (you see, there should be two).

So, since today is allegedly my newest last day here - we spent the day beautifying ourselves and mocking our husbands (as naturally we would). Every time we plan these days (and they are regular occurrences) they both question the need and consider it a big ole waste of time, effort and money. What they clearly do not understand is that there is nothing naturally cute about us. I can assure you, that I would be single, sitting at home on the couch, watching TV if I let nature take its course....

Wait! I AM sitting in a hotel, all alone, watching TV....CRAP! Damnitt!!

However, do you all remember that Seinfeld episode where Elaine takes George's dad with her because she thinks the nail salon ladies are talking about her?? WELL...I swear they are!!! In fact, Liz and I alternate salons because I am SURE they are talking about my hideous feet. Where is my proof??? After they start chattering to each other, they always pause for a moment when they look at Liz - wondering if she might understand - and then ask her where she is from...HA! Bitches! I KNEW IT! Just as I suspected!!!!

Today though, we were laughing at the hideousness that is our feet -- wondering why Dan can't give us the medical reason that we get yucky feet (I now question his medical abilities...I have yet to get a satisfactory answer why there is no fast acting fat pill) -- and the lady who was scrubbing my foot literally stopped what she was doing and mopped her brow. She literally was exhausted. How humiliating is that??

Now I totally have to leave the country tomorrow. I can't show my face (or feet) here anymore. Maybe the Sudanese will be more understanding....


Friday, March 20, 2009

It's Getting Awkward Now

Last night I went out for dinner/drinks with some friends from work -- they were having ANOTHER goodbye party for me. They all expressed pity for my situation and agreed that this was the most F'd up PCS move they have ever seen (I really love it when my exaggerated, overwrought proclamations are validated.)

However, when people started trickling out to go their respective homes, dressed in their matching work attire, I began to notice a trend....They all left with a "see you next Thursday for your next going away party."

DAMNITT! Now even people at work are starting to disbelieve I will ever leave the WDC area. Even they have come to terms with the fact that I will reside in one Hyatt, Marriott or Sheraton for the next 2 years!!! (Would it kill them to add the Ritz Carlton to that list?? HATEFUL!)

Even more awkward is when I run into people who gave me little gift bags for my going away. Its like a wedding where the groom didn't show. Does proper etiquette require that I return said gift? What if I already ate the chocolate stuff out of it and am only left with the soaps and lotions??

I say NAY! I say those people are obligated by proper etiquette to REPLACE said stash of chocolate to refill that parting gift bag so that I actually HAVE chocolate when I leave. This tragedy is not of my making. Therefore, it's their moral obligation, not mine. I'll just set up a table in the hallway where they can drop off my chocolate - I don't want them to have to go too far out of their way.

See how nice I am?? Smoothing the way for people to fulfill their moral obligations to proper etiquette, thereby saving them from a potential call in to the some daytime talk show where I sit on the other couch and cry while I tell them my story about how they callously left me utterly alone in a hotel room, with no food, no car, no dogs, no real job to speak of, and no chocolate.

Honestly, sometimes I'm such a good person it scares me.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Octomom Obsession

I gotta admit it. I'm currently obsessed with the Octomom debacle. I do realize that she is totally last month's news, but every time I hear something or see a news flash, I'm sucked right back in and forced to judge her yet again.

Why is it that I cannot just let it go? She has 14 kids (of which 3 have developmental issues), no income and no plans to get an income. She's a loser. But then, so are a LOT of other people (I could totally list them here, but I am currently frightened that God is actively smoting me and I don't want to exacerbate the situation. We need to wait for God to calm down before I start spouting new nonsense.) However, her story is like a car wreck to me. I can't look away. And, I can't stop my being Judgey McDisapproverson.

This morning as I was getting ready for work (which, in the interest of full disclosure, my attire was a big ole mismatched, wrinkled mess! I'm sure people were giving me looks, wondering how this homeless person managed to get in the front door...) and the news was featuring an EXCLUSIVE story on Octomom bringing the first babies home. I still cannot believe that SOMEONE has not put a stop to this!!! And when I say "someone," I mean not me. I'm more of a talk about it/bitchy type person..not so much an active/do-er type of person. Therefore, I've done my part! Stop being so lazy!! We all have our roles....

Frankly, I'm not sure people SHOULD have the right to have 14 kids....especially when you cannot adequately care for those kids. However, even if she did have enough money, stability, help, etc. There is no way she can EMOTIONALLY care for those kids. For heaven's sake - day cares have a 3-to-1 ratio for a REASON. Nobody is capable of that. Someone is going to be neglected, in fact, I kinda think they are all going to end up neglected.

THERE! My civic duty is fulfilled. No wait! I would also like to dime out the Shell Station here on the corner outside my hotel. It still has creepy leprechauns out front of it. Those are just scary. Take that shit down!!!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009


I cannot believe that I am writing a post today (although you guys probably can). But not from the Hilton, no! From the Mariott! So that is waaay different. I left the Hilton this morning in a huff -- and everybody knows you can't come crawling back when you storm out in a huff. (Perhaps I should have planned that better).

Today, I'm literally on my way to the airport to leave for Sudan....and I am called to tell me that the Ambassador STILL has not said yes to my arrival in Country. Therefore, I needed to delay my trip (again). So, even though I wanted to freak out and quit, I quickly remembered that I have no transferable skills to a job in the commercial world, and my hubby loves his gear and hobbies waaay too much to allow me to sit at home and watch TV all day (but wouldn't that be FAB?!). So, after quickly running through my options (poverty, homelessness, divorce, crime spree, and/or job as french fry manager at Wendy's), and decided instead to be thankful that it pretty much takes an act of God to fire a federal government employee. (So long as I don't decide to turn to a life of crime, I'm pretty much good to go. Blatant incompetence is not a valid reason to fire me. You should all hire on!!)

However, this was UNSAT!! So I decided to actually stand up for myself! I marched back into the office and told them I wasn't going to put up with this anymore! That someone needed to start listening to ME!

WEELLLLL, okay....technically, I got back into the office and then sent an email asking if it wouldn't be better to simply plan for me to leave next weekend as previously requested. They agreed. However, I DID take my time returning to the office!!!

So now, I am back in a hotel, but was too lazy to lug all of my luggage up to the room, so God only knows what I will be wearing to work tomorrow.

They should just be thankful I'm dressed, frankly. Don't make me pull out those sweats!!!

Monday, March 16, 2009

Did I Call It, or What??

Last night I finally gave in and unpacked my bags - knowing that I had to go into the office and probably shouldn't show up in the same clothes I wore last week and/or my smelly sweats. So I unpacked, went shopping and bought some microwavable (non-girl scout cookie) food - even some half-&-half for my morning coffee.

I was making this hotel a home. I was considering going to Home Depot to pick out some wall color (I'm sure that they would've been so thankful, they'd give me a discounted rate on my stay!) So I awoke this am, put on clean clothes, did my hair, put on makeup and went to work.

And how was I rewarded??

I was told that I am leaving for Sudan tomorrow. TOMORROW!!!

Now my newest (and frankly toughest) challenge faces me: HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO GET ALL THAT CRAP BACK INTO THAT SUITCASE!?!?!

How the hell did I get it all in there? WHY, for the love of all that is holy, WHY won't it go back in there???

Forced to review and rethink everything I might need - I'm frantically shoving crap into my bags while watching American Justice on A&E -- and DAMN, people are ghetto!! Am I being too judgey here? Wouldn't you put on makeup, iron your clothes, and comb your hair before doing an interview for a TV show??? I'm going to go out on a limb - even before the end of the show and state: The parents did it. (They totally look like they did it. Creepy mustache, bad hair. Clearly, bad....see my past experience with jury duty for reference; I can totally tell guilt just by lookin' at 'em.)

Also, watching these shows has only cemented my resolve to always clean the house before I go to bed, or leave it for any reason -- on the off chance that someone will die and/or break in. I would be utterly humiliated if my house were a pigsty for all the world to see when they do a show re-enacting the crime. This goes hand in hand with my resolve never to wander around the house or sleep naked, because I believe that will increase my chances of dying -- as all dead people seem to be found naked -- and I refuse to be found naked. Crime scene photos are brutal.

Everyone knows the camera adds 10 pounds (and, as it turns out, girl scout cookies add another 14.)

Sunday, March 15, 2009


Today, I dropped off Kernel and Poods with their new family. The boys now live on 10 acres. I gotta tell you though, it was bad. However, once again, neither dog seemed to care that I was abandoning them. I mean, you'd think they could at least look sad or harbor some deep seated resentment of me. For God's sake, I literally sent them to a FARM.

But no. They looked happy.

Although I think the retired fireman who offered to take them looked a little horrified, and may possibly be harboring some resentment toward me right now. Why? Because I brought over all of Kernel and Jack's crap. That's why.

Since I don't have any kids, I literally poured all my maternal love out on the boys. The poor man kept watching me bring in more and more stuff -- toy boxes, cookies, Fleece sweaters (even though we live in the south and it rarely gets cold or snows) Christmas stockings, stuffed animals -- into his house with horror. I think he was waiting for me to come traipsing in with their bunk beds next. (Seriously?? Don't be ridiculous. Bunk Beds? The boys are afraid of heights.)

So I dropped them off and went back to the hotel , which seems just a little bits lonely now.

And then I found out that my departure for Sudan was delayed yet again until possibly the 24th. Clearly, the only way I'm going to get out of this place is to unpack my suitcases and start wearing something other than sweatpants. (Josh would be horrified. He cannot stand it when I wear sweats in public. He doesn't think it makes me look "sporty," he claims it just makes me look "sloppy." As such, this only serves to make me wear them more often. )

WTF Sudan!? Stop being an ass and set my people free from this Hilton!!!

So in the interim, I am sitting on the bed (Yes! You heard me Josh...ON THE BED!!) eating Doritos (I ran out of girl scout cookies yesterday and those little bitches are nowhere to be found), watching Oceans 11 for the 4th time on HBO, and contemplating washing the two pairs of sweats I've been wearing for the last week.

Who am I kidding?!? I'll probably just buy new ones.

The Downward Spiral Begins

Okay, so I think that living in a hotel with two large dogs has finally caused me to hit bottom. I suspect you all knew this day was coming - I did too, just didn't think it would be so PUBLIC....

So Saturday started off normal -- took the boys out for their walk, ran out of girl scout cookies, put on my alternate sweats -- you know, same ole, same ole.... I was putting the "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door because I didn't want the maids to come in and face two barking, extremely bored dogs. Obviously, this was an irresistible taunt to the teen aged boys in the hotel....who felt compelled to bang on the door and bark at the dogs through the door every 20 minutes.

Normally, I could handle that - would just set a trap that would simply maim those bratty rodent children. Unfortunately, the hotel had a pipe break and there was NO WATER yesterday from about 10 am. (You know I never shower on Saturday until at least noon. It's my way) SOOO, I'm unshowered, have to purchase water from the vending machine (at $2 each) to give the boys a drink of water, and am being consistently harassed by mother f'in teens in the hallways.


So, the barking, the stinking, and running out of all my change caused me to snap. I literally stood at my door waiting for the little bastards to strike again. I didn't even have to wait long. (they're not very stealthy). They pounded on the door and I threw it open and chased that mother f'er down the hall. Caught him, and started screaming at him to grow the fuck up and where the hell were his parents?

The little bastard started to cry. His parents came out of their room to finally see what the hell was going on and I let THEM have it too. They stared at me in shock, mouth breathing, and gaping like a fish.

I can only imagine what they (and the other people who looked outside their rooms) were thinking. A smelly, crazy woman had a hold of their son, screaming at him - dogs barking in the distance. Amazingly enough, the dad actually apologized to me (I would have called the cops on me).

Beth, this is an example of the Ding Dong Ditch gone horribly wrong. I assume that kid regrets his decision right now. I haven't heard a peep out of anyone this morning; the water is back on and there is blessed silence.

I even showered and combed my hair. Next week, maybe I'll even try makeup.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Noon Prayer for Braja

Noon Prayer for Braja
"As most of you have heard by now, our friend (icon), Braja, her husband and driver were in a horrific car accident. Braja has been a friend to us all. She made you feel like you were her best buddy no matter how long she's known you. That takes a kind heart and generous spirit.

I know we're all doing this, but let's keep her, her husband and driver in our thoughts. To that effect, I'm proposing that on Saturday, 3/14 at 12 noon we have a world-blog moment of silent prayer (no matter where you live) when the sun is highest in the sky and shining upon us all. Just like Braja.

Please post this on your site so all your followers will join in. We are a powerful group and Braja will feel it all the way in India."Join in the noontime prayer! For more info, go to Lisa's blog."

Friday, March 13, 2009

It's Just Funny Now...

I am homeless. I am car-less. And I am about to be dog-less.

I'm living in the Homestead Suites with two large dogs, eating nothing but candy and girl scout cookies (I will undoubtedly bring them back from the brink of losing their cookie empire) and wearing the same 2 pairs of sweats day in and day out. I can't remember the last time I actually combed my hair into anything but a ponytail or put on makeup. (Josh is a lucky man)

Am I a victim of the economic crisis? No. I am an old-fashioned Smoting victim. Yes, you heard me. God is smoting me. (Probably because of something I did and/or said -- probably on this blog -- I think God's from Ohio. )

My move to Sudan has been delayed until the 17th now because Sudan has apparently gone to hell (I thought they technically WERE hell) Perhaps I shouldn't have screamed, "What the hell else could go wrong?" the other night?? Hindsight! Who knew!?

Anyway, the Embassy has authorized the departure of all dependents and I am now awaiting for the Embassy to bless my arrival, which amazingly, is not a given. Apparently, I'm now supposed to be QUALIFIED for my position, and value added to the mission. WHAT!? SINCE WHEN!?

Do these people know who I think I am!?!?

Soooo, I have decided NOT to try to bring Jack in with me at this time. HOWEVER, I have not spiralled into another blubbering mess because the wonderful man who is adopting Kernel has agreed to also foster Jack until I come back in July for training - when, hopefully, I'll either have been booted out of the country permanently after causing some sort of international incident hideously embarrassing to the USG; OR, things will have settled down and I can just fly back in with him. Kernel's new daddy is a very nice man!!!

Obviously, God is trying to tell me something with all these setbacks and delays. He's probably getting all frustrated, "What the hell else must I do!? DO YOU NEED ME TO SEND THE DAMN LOCUSTS!?" (Probably. I've never really been a good listener.)

OH, and just as an aside. There was a decree at work the other day that NO SEMICOLONS CAN BE USED IN OFFICIAL MEMOS. Why? Because USG workers are all retarded and nobody knows how to use them. Nobody can; tell me that; I do not: know how to: use; proper punctuation;;:! -.

SEMICOLONS are my; favorite.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

An O on the End, and a Hi in the Middle

So apparently, I have offended Ohio. My in-laws demanded I put a stop to my copious harassment of Ohio (even though I CLEARLY indicated it was not the part of Ohio they were from) and then my friend Laurie called to point out that she, too, was from Ohio. She even sang the song! You heard me...Ohio has a SONG. (I don't think it will win any awards.) Obviously, Ohio-an-ians are easily offended. (Pennsylvaniaianaians are from heartier stock.)

However, in an effort to alleviate any future awkward holidays, I officially apologize for offending Ohio and insinuating that it smells like sour milk.

That milk has at least 2 days left.

So my departure has been delayed AGAIN - and this time, not by me or my homeless dog issues!!! I will be living in this hotel for another week -- and, as there is no TIVO here, I am forced to watch commercials. (I know!! How terrible is that???) And you know what commercial is STILL on?? That "Cash for Gold" commercial. And have you seen the news lately?? Apparently, people are SHOCKED that they are getting ripped off. They would send in a full envelope of gold and get like $12.

If only somebody could have seen that coming. But there was no way of knowing....It was unknowable. There should have been a sign.

I'm betting those people are from Oh -- I mean -- Kentucky....

Wayward Son Returns

All I have to say is, God Bless the people at Homewood Suites. Even though I have a pretty large room, with a little kitchen area and couch - this room is FULL of dogs. Kernel and I made it back from Michigan last night and he actually seems pretty happy in the hotel room. Just kinda hanging out with me (well, technically ON me, but still...) He actually seemed to kinda like the ride back -- well, maybe not like per se, perhaps more along the lines of didn't look miserable for the whole 8 hours.

(Yes, I know the pics are crappy, but I was DRIVING. It's unsafe, I did the best I could under those unsafe conditions!)

However, on the trip back we did make an amazing -- I'm sure scientific -- discovery!! (I wonder if there is cash involved here??)

Ok, so remember how I mentioned that I was going to rent a mini-van to get my boy back down to DC?? Well, I did...and I made it back here in RECORD time...I mean record. I'll just throw this out there; I was speeding. And not my natural speeding state of about 8-10 mph over the limit, I was doing at least 20 mph faster -- I know mother!! That would have been a really expensive ticket -- but I think it would have rounded out this week and March nicely, don't you think??

However, my discovery is that mini-vans are invisible to police officers.

How do I know this, you ask? WELL... no shit! there I was...driving 87 in a 65, coming up quickly behind this car who was going a measly 80 or so, and I see a cop off to the side of the road standing outside his car waiving at people. You know how they mock you with their ability to pull you over with only a hand gesture? I've always wondered what they would do if you pretended not to see them and just drove on...because they've already got a line of cars waiting to be harassed by Johnny-Law. It'd be a hard decision for them to make. On the one hand, you have guaranteed revenue for the State just sitting there (and I think Ohio might live off of their tickets), but you'd be seriously pissed that someone didn't respect the hand gesture. I'd be torn, frankly.
I digress. Anyway, he waives over the guy in front of me, and then when I think it is all over for me -- because by this point I've only been able to slow down to about 75 -- he turns and walks back to his car. This happened TWICE! Invisible I tell you.

Now I realize that my parents (and probably hubby who is an old man trapped inside a young guy's body) will totally lecture me about why I didn't slow down after the first time and that it is the LAW....but, COME ON! It was Ohio. Besides, you know I never listen to what you guys say? Why must you continually put us through this?

OH! And GET THIS! On the flight up to Michigan we were delayed on the runway for like an hour...and this lady in front of me - whom I named Attitudey Judy - was typing away on her Blackberry and she was holding it so I could TOTALLY see what she was writing. Normally, people's "what are you doing? Nothing...what are you doing" BS would bore me within minutes and you would have your privacy back. But Attitudey Judy was clearly having an affair with two different people. She was typing all kinds of crap I won't go into because it was clear that she was a smelly pirate ho! However, I must give her snaps because she came up with a brilliant system on her messages, she told BOTH of them that to keep it on the down low, she'll just call him "Pat" on her messages.

I gotta give it to her, she's one BRILLIANT Whore-a Ingalls. Now she doesn't even have to TRY to keep them from getting confused. She just renamed them the same. Anyway, my in-flight entertainment was curtailed when she noticed me reading her texts, and then got all put out about it. Like its my fault she is Slutty McHo's-around-alot and can't hold her blackberry away from the view of the row behind her. I think she was doubly pissed because the guy beside me was also reading it.

Doesn't she know by now that scandal is good reading?!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

March, You're on Notice!!!

Okay, so remember how March 2nd was the Worst Day Ever??? Well, March 2nd is now kinda like the old day of the Oklahoma City Bombing when September 11th rolled around. So now, March 9th is officially the new Worst Day Ever of 2009.

I gotta tell ya, it's been a bad week...and, dare I say it? March Sucks!! NAY, 2009 SUCKS!!!

And I had such high hopes too!

There was a slight reprieve - I managed to find a good home for Kernel yesterday. In fact, all told, I ended up with 9 people offering to take him into their homes. Pet people are nice. If you are a pet lover (or pet freak, like me) you can understand and empathize. In addition to the 9 who called to tell me they would take him, I was surprised by the number of emails and phone calls I received from people who told me that they weren't currently looking for another pet, but if I got down to the wire and hadn't found anyone - they would take him for me.

My husband doesn't know it yet, but this experience has made me determined to foster a pet for a rescue society if/when we return to the States for a longer period of time. PLUS, doesn't that give you extra God-credit?? (Kinda like I think I get when I donate to the church?? Seriously! If you read this blog, you know that I need all the extra credit I can get!!)

Today, I'm still getting calls. Good people. I'm sorry they have to also go through March, 2009.

Well, I wish I had my camera with me...I would document the monstrosity that is my house. (Today I have the camera memory card with me - but no camera. Maybe it is not meant to be??) It looks like my furniture blew up. Pieces of beds and cabinets strewn all over the place. And let me tell you....our bed did not go quietly into the night. I'm not sure how the heck we got it up there in the first place. And when I say "we," I mean the other movers we paid to put it up there.

I really feel sorry for the movers. I hate moving so much, I would probably put a bullet in my head if I had to pack my own stuff. Plus, it's pretty awkward sitting here typing on my laptop while everyone is grunting and sweating around me -- trying to get the king size mattress down the stairs -- However, I brought them donuts! WHAT MORE DO THEY WANT FROM ME!?

By the way, would it be tacky if I asked the movers to fix the downstairs toilet for me?

So tomorrow I am flying off to Michigan yet again to pick up my baby. We will rent a minivan (how humiliating) and drive back to DC the same day. Once again, I will have to face my new arch nemesis: The Ohio Turnpike. I will check the gas, oil, windshield wiper fluid, and tire pressure -- well, technically, I'll probably just check the gas, I can't remember how to do any of those other things. I plan to just speed the whole way - kinda like runnin' the gauntlet! Do what you will Ohio!!

If you don't hear from me again soon, you'll know Ohio got me.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

So today was moving day. Bad enough, right? Well, I found out that my precious baby Kernel cannot stay with Brandy and her family. They were worried about their 3 year old because Kernel chases him around - not mean - but has never been around kids and they were scared. Kernel is also taller than Beckett, so I can see her point.

Totally understandable. And, if I had kids, I probably wouldn't put them at risk either (maybe, or I might leave them outside in the backyard and call a dog walker to come in 2x a day until I got home from work. Could go either way, frankly).

So today I have been in tears again, frantically trying to find Kernel a new home (within one week) and I had to delay my PCS departure because there was no way I could get him back from Michigan and settled by Thurs.

So how can I sit here and type sarcastic comments, you ask??

WELL, even though today totally still sucks, and I'm still on the verge of tears at any given moment, I have some truly amazing friends who put the word out to everyone -- and an amazing new friend I made through this blog who had a friend that might want him in NC (Thank you, thank you, thank you Jane) !

I now have 3 people who are interested, who have been going to the blog to look at the pics of Kernie (its kinda embarrassing that he is pretty much the ONLY pics on this blog), and are asking follow-up questions now. I gotta tell you, having 3 years of food, toys and cookies on hand is a good selling point. Write that down if you ever need to find a home for your baby.

I even had a lady call me to tell me that she will take him no questions asked if I cannot find a home, but that she already had 4 dogs, so this is definitely a last resort.

So thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you to Liz, Penny, Karen, Amy, Leslie, and Jane for putting out the word.

If any of you live in the Northern VA (Ashburn area) you should totally check out my good friends' website, Woofies. They walked Kernel since the day we got him, and Poods was one of their very first clients. They truly are Angels.

On the upside, I think I made the movers so uncomfortable with my constant bawling and snuffling that they managed to pack all the small stuff up in record time. They were out of here at like 2!!! This has NEVER happened in the history of all of my moves -- now they just come back tomorrow for the furniture and rugs, etc. (Note to self: remember tears for next move. Effective motivational tool).

Josh, you can call me now. I've stopped blubbering....for now.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

The Landlord

OMG! If you have not seen this, you are going to DIE! Liz sent it to me and I naturally stopped all my packing to watch it. HILARIOUS!


Okay, I gotta get back to sticky sticky notes on every piece of furniture or crap in my house indicating where it goes for the packers. Tell Liz to stop harassing me (although I gotta admit that was totally worth it!)

Saturday, March 7, 2009

The Lost Gilmore

I found this courtesy of Comedy Goddess and it is hilarious!! You have GOT to try it!! Now I'm all stuck up because I'm thinking I'm now one of the Gilmore Girls...God knows I ate like one on this road trip -- however, my swollen head was short lived when I realized that it was not based on full body recognition! ha!

MyHeritage: Celebrity Collage - Free family tree maker - Descendants

Sweet Home Virginia

Well, we made it back (sans Kernel) and I didn't even bawl like a big baby (very much) when we left. Kernel frankly made it easier because he was too into playing with the kids that he couldn't be bothered to even notice that we were leaving. UNGRATEFUL!

However, I do have some complaints to lodge against Pennsylvania and Ohio -- and will likely get into big trouble because my in-laws are from Ohio....so let me caveat the below by stating, NOT the part of Ohio that they are from...the other whole part of Ohio.

First of all, DAMN YOU OHIO TURNPIKE!!! Although it appears that they are more advanced in paving than their Pennsylvania turnpike brethren - their toll booths are NOT automated!!! Forcing me to slow down - NAY! Forcing me to stop and get a paper ticket that A PERSON HANDS YOU -- that I then have to keep track of said ticket for the next 80 miles and countless rest area breaks. This is unsat! It needlessly forces me to talk to the people in that toll booth -- who are clearly lonely and happy to see anyone stop at their booth. It's like some sort of Great Depression era works program.

We have Smart Toll now people!!!! I was sooo pissed that I squandered my exact change on m&ms and then had to chit chat while I waited for change!!!! Once again, our piggery brought me down....

Plus, the whole state kinda smelled like sour milk. I think Ohio may have passed its sell-by date.

Moving on: DAMN YOU PENNSYLVANIA TURNPIKE!!! I've already gone into their lack of paving ability - it was like a big ole mess, I honestly think my nephew Josh could do a better job -- they also post signs indicating that you need to turn off all radios and cell phones because you are entering the "blasting area." WTF!?!? Blasting area?? That could be triggered by a cell phone?? Are they clearing the land with IED's??? Did they hire the Iraqi insurgents to do their work?

I'm just saying, Ohio would probably take the job...

Liz and I were terrified because I just knew my mother was going to call us and kill us all!! We were too scared to turn off our phone because what if the car broke down?? That place looks like where those people live that hunt other people so they can make jerky out you and tan your skin for their boots they're making. I'm not getting outta that damn car!!!

AND, to compound this, the lanes are clearly not wide enough for cars to be driving in both of them at the same time!! There's like a huge cement wall on one side and a sheer drop off on the other, where coincidentally, you could hear the faint sounds of the banjo playing in the background. (That there is boot making music.)

However, I should probably also thank Ohio and Pennsylvania for keeping me so annoyed (which, admittedly is not difficult) that I did not have time to dwell on my having left Kernel.

I should, but I won't. Tis not my way.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Michigan or Bust...

And when I say "bust," I mean Pennsylvania -- because I think I've found our economic crisis. I had a strange, uncontrollable urge to burst into Billy Joel's, Allentown the minute we hit Pennsylvania -- where, coincidentally, in Johnstown, we had to create a new version:

Well, we're living here in Johnstoooowwwnnn....where they never take the Christmas stuff down....

I think the reasoning is self-explanatory and clearly needs to be mocked publicly. I do believe I have made myself clear on my expectations with regard to Christmas decorations and lights. At least give us the courtesy of not turning them on!!! If you have to be ghetto lazy (and believe me, I will always back the lazy option...) don't publicize it and force me to judge you.

ANYWAY, Kernel did very well on the drive. I took probably 10 pics of him on the drive (I was soo proud of myself) - he was doing some cute stuff at the truck stops - my boy's got talent!!! However, when I went to post them on the computer, I realized that I forgot to put the memory card in the camera AGAIN!!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!? Apparently, I also need to be mocked publicly in order to learn a lesson! (Do your worst - but just remember, I hold grudges...)

I also managed to totally humiliate Liz and I (and probably Kernel too) in some random small town in Michigan. We were sitting at Taco Bell (I KNOW, how yummy is that place?! But why do they insist on giving you a small bucket for your soda?? I feel compelled to drink that whole thing - which is NOT conducive to road tripping, FYI.) and this UPS guy walks in and I burst out with, "HEY! That guy's cute!" (We were commenting on the lack of attractive people for the totality of our road trip previously, and I was simply drawing attention to the fact that Michigan had attractive people -- and, he was pretty cute. It is hard to keep that kind of information to myself!!!)

So after I yell that, and he stops and turns around to look at us - I notice that I have both of the windows down for Kernel in the back. Our humiliation was compounded because Liz was in the process of eating a taco and I had nacho cheese all over my sweater. (Clearly, you guys are thinking right now that we're totally Sex in the City...)

ANYWAY, we made it....and I gotta tell you, I'm a little bit offended that Kernel pretty much wrote me off immediately upon arrival. He LOVES Brandy's youngest Beckett, and follows him everywhere. (I suspect it has to do with his bunny toy that looks a LOT like one of his squeaky toys, but I can't prove it. ) He has had a great time in the yard and I gotta admit that although I'm sad to leave him, he WILL be sooo happy here -- he actually already IS so happy here.

Right now, he is passed out on the floor beside me as I post his happy pics on this blog and try to talk Brandy into designing us some dresses that would be appropriate for work, but FLATTERING -- one that would, perhaps, hide a nacho cheese stain?!?!

Thursday, March 5, 2009

My Bags are Packed and We're Ready to Go...

Well, Kernel's are...mine, not so much. For the last few hours I have been lugging ginormous bags of dog food down the stairs and out to the car. I was carrying them on my head like a Sudanese woman (practice, so I can fit in). Now I'll be all cocky..."What up bitches! Check out my bag o'kibble! WORD." (I think that is still cool in Sudan)

However, today did NOT go smoothly. This morning Jack apparently tried to end it all. I received frantic calls from the dog walker telling me that one of the dogs got into the puppy Prozac and they didn't know how many they ate. By the time I got home, it was obvious it was Poods. Check out the eyes! He was all kinds of messed up! (This is your puppy on crack.) Vet said Jack did not take a lethal dose -- just a really strong dose - usually reserved for total mental case dogs. Clearly, he was looking for attention.

In addition, while Poods was writing out his "goodbye cruel world" note, Kernel got into the bag of squeaky toys I bought him to take to Brandy's house. He had de-stuffed two of them, but at least had the grace to look ashamed. So I came home to one totally stoned dog and two stuffed animals that exploded all over the living room.

It's been a GREAT day here.

My dog food loading attracted a LOT of attention -- all the neighbors were coming over to ask me what I was doing and then act all sad that we were moving. (Although, I'm not sure WHY, because we have lived in this house for over 3 years now and I only remembered one neighbors' name. ) And, I noted that NOBODY offered to lug any food for me. LAZY!

After I told my audience our saga, Patty came back with a box of Junior Caramels to "make it all better."
WHY didn't I make friends with this lady?? Clearly, she is a healer.

Thelma and Louise (and Kernel)

After work today, Liz and I are going to roadtrip to Michigan to take Kernel to his new home. (I'm still amazed I can now type that without bursting into tears. Everyone was right, it DID get better. So sorry I called you all big, fat, heartless liars. I can see now that was uncalled for.)

I have decided to document our trip with photos - which means that I may remember to take one or two, and almost positively they will be of Kernel. As you may have noticed, my sole focus has been on Kernel lately. I have neglected poor Poods (aka Jack). In fact, yesterday, I had to take Jack to the vet for his International Health Certificate and the vet noticed that Poods had a sore on the back of his foot that he had licked raw.

Naturally, I treat the vet like 30 minutes of free therapy, so I launched into how upset I've been over Kernel, and how Poods has always been sensitive to unhappiness and stress. So the vet gave me a bottle of Puppy Prozac for Poods (notice the alliteration....4 points). He said it was to calm his "anxiety" issues. The Vet said it will help him on the flight to Sudan, with Kernel's departure, and with the new home .

Okay, aside from the whole - I've made our home a hostile environment for a DOG issue, WTF!!! What about ME?! Where's my Prozac?? SELFISH, POODS!

And as an aside, I gotta get this out there...last night I also took the Jeep into Carmax and pretty much threw it away. However, as I'm waiting for them to process the paperwork, this couple sat down beside me -- RIGHT beside me. The waiting room was EMPTY. I hate that!!! So then, the lady turns to me and goes, "hi." (I KNOW! THE NERVE!)

They proceeded to tell me about how happy they were with the carmax experience (How lame is that? Who is ever happy with a car buying experience? And WHO CALLS IT THE CARMAX EXPERIENCE?) They chatted non-stop.

Is it not obvious that I HATE other people?? And even more than that, I hate chitchat! Anyway, thank God Liz and Dan showed up with the car they are loaning me (these people are saints by the way. You should really make friends with them. Dan's an orthopedic surgeon and I'm counting on the fact that if I ever need a new hip, I'm SET! At my age, you gotta think ahead.)

Anyway, the Jeep is now"sold" and checked off my list -- if by "sold," you mean given enough money to buy another box of girl scout cookies to replace the ENTIRE box of thin mints I ate in one sitting during the whole Kernel debacle of March 2nd (that's its new name).

Hopefully, we won't pull an authentic Thelma and Louise...especially because I'm now borrowing Liz' car....

Wednesday, March 4, 2009


I couldn't let it rest!! There was NO WAY there was NOTHING on me. (And, as I couldn't figure out how to hyperlink something, it was obvious I am not only computer illiterate, but also have an inability to follow simple instructions).
So, unable to sleep because of this google-insult, I narrowed down my google search to just Michel and clicked on images.
HA! Check it out bitches: Mount SAINT Michel!

Just as I suspected!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Another Crime Wave!!!

This time, THANK GOD, nobody has tried to Jack my recycling bin (and, I believe, in direct response to my blog where I previously bitched about how I was a victim of crime because someone viciously stole my recycling bin, Ashburn Village Homeowners Association brought me TWO shiny new bins!! I KNOW! How exciting is that!?!?!)

However, crime has returned to Northern VA!!! The mascots are being beat up. Yes, you heard me right...MASCOTS.

Now before you start thinking...well, they ARE annoying...nobody likes that stupid dance they do on the sidelines -- I'm not talking about those mascots (because everybody knows those guys have it coming. "Sit down! What's with your freakishly large head!? What the hell is a Boilermaker anyway!?")

I'm talking about that cow from Chick Filet and McGruff the Crime Dog (sorry! I just giggled a little on that one, it is kinda ironic, you gotta admit). Apparently, a metrobus driver stopped his bus to beat up McGruff. I'm not really sure what happened to the cow, but as he was standing on Rte. 7 in Sterling, VA. I suspect he was simply collateral damage from someone's road rage, because frankly, I've considered punching him for doing his little happy dance by the side of the road too.

And in even more exciting news.... Comedy Goddess (I have no idea how to make it so that you can link to her blog, but she is on my bloglist, you gotta go look it up - Stop being so lazy!!!! Can we get back to ME now?? SELFISH!!) indicated that I was the recipient of an award!!! However, once I found out that there was no cash involved in this award, I promptly lost interest. (just kidding...maybe...)

EVEN WORSE, there was WORK involved:

  • The first rule of this Meme (you decide, is it Me Me or Meme as in theme) is that you put Your Name in a Google search and post your results.

(a) it is ME me...(clearly); and

(b) although as humiliating as it is to admit, my google results: none. (Frankly google, that's a bit harsh. Couldn't you FAKE something?? RUDE)

So then, I'm supposed to pass this (which I assume is much, much more interesting if you actually FIND something) onto 15 others. ummm....I'm totally going to get a complex now. Before I was all, "Do you know who I think I am?" because I have literally NINES of followers...(damn I'm lame) soooo....I can't list followers like Comedy Goddess, So F U non-followers! I didn't want to ME-me you anyway!!

So here goes:

  1. Suzy (she was my first non-family follower, so she gets extra credit)

  2. Mrs. K

  3. Beth

  4. Manda

  5. Minoy

  6. Liz

  7. Brandy

  8. Qorn

  9. Daniel Craig (my God he's dreamy)

  10. Little Debbie

  11. Jason

  12. Justin

  13. Stephen Colbert

  14. Mark and Debbie

  15. Tonya

Snow Day

So Yesterday (which should go down in history as The WORST DAY EVER) we awoke to this.

Now many of you from any other State besides the WDC/Northern VA area will read this and go, "SOO?! It's Snow! No biggidy." However, unless you have ever tried to drive here when this has hit the ground, you wouldn't understand the "biggidy." In fact, I recall the day after Obama took office, he made a comment that he would change Washington when the area schools were closed because of a light dusting. I, too used to mock this (but treasured every snow day I was given!!) until the day the gov called a "delayed arrival, liberal leave" (meaning you can use a vacation day without having pre-approval to do so) rather than a snow day. Naturally, I wasn't going to waste a vacation day on that (its not THAT fun) so I decided to head into DC to work.

After literally 6 hours on the Dulles Toll Road where I was thankful to reach speeds of 2 miles per hour, I finally made it to work. Northern VA drivers truly have a gift! They manage to literally FLIP their cars (going at the high rate of speed of no more than 10) , I gotta admit...that takes some serious talent. By the grace of God, I had filled up the gas tank the night before -otherwise, I would not have made it - people were abandoning cars all over the toll road (which didn't help the traffic situation!)

Trust me, I understand how retarded it is to call a snow day for less than 6 inches of snow (but yet, I still back it, because its fun for me. Do you see??). I grew up in Montana - where there was no such thing as a snow day...out west, they call it Monday. The only day my school ever closed was when Mount St. Helens erupted and it was snowing volcanic ash...we went to school for the first few days while it snowed ash, until some sciencey person pointed out that breathing the ash might kill us, so once we had circa a foot of ash on the ground, school closed the next day. I recall it distinctly because it was SUCH A WINDFALL! Immediately, of course, I put on my snow boots and ran outside to try to build ash-men in the ash - little known fact, ash does not roll into balls like snow. So we switched, to making ash-angels! I think I might have had to throw away my clothes - by the time I came inside (after inhaling ash particulates for circa 6 hours) I was covered in soot.

Thank God the schools closed to keep us safe.

Yesterday, http://www.opm.gov/ (where all federal employees excitedly go whenever their is a dusting of snow to see if the fed called a SNOW DAY - -and for the last 4 years have been hideously disappointed every morning) declared liberal leave to be in effect (I fully blame Obama for this). However, this time I decided I probably SHOULD use a vacation day. I figured that I probably shouldn't show up for my first day in the new office to meet the people covering Sudan in tears - I'm just guessing they might not think that was professional. I figured I would find out where Sudan is, and what it is they say they do tomorrow. I'd just wing it - why change now?

So yesterday, while I cried all day, Poods slept far, far away from my blubbering and this is what Kernel did. He got out every toy (most are all chewed up, de-stuffed, de-squeaked and disfigured) and took inventory. Then, he moved them to different rooms in the house, I can only assume so that he would never be without something to destroy/play with at any given moment.

Today, life goes on. The snow has started to melt and my tears are starting to dry up. I will go meet the new people and pretend to know how to spell Khartoum.

Eventually, I will be happy that Kernel will be going to a new home where he will be loved and get a lot more action during the day. Plus, on the upside, not only will he be able to inventory his toys, he will also be able to inventory Brandy and Jesse's three boys' toys as well.

I'm sure they'll be thankful.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Broken Hearted

I don't think I have ever been this sad.

I am going to have to give my precious baby Kernel to Brandy and her Husband, Jesse. I was all happy when she told me that they would take him on the off chance that he couldn't get on the flight to Sudan with me (because he, and his crate are too big). However, Josh pointed out that I needed to think long and hard about what was best for Kernel. And he is right.

I have been selfish because I love him so much that I couldn't ever even think of the possibility of not taking him with us. Now, after Josh pointed out: What would happen if we did get him there, but for some reason couldn't get him out? What would happen if Kernel were to get sick (and he has never been a particularly robust boy - he's inbred for heaven's sake)? What would happen if the security situation deteriorates and we have to get out of there quickly?

All good points, none of which I have a decent answer. I feel like I've got Sophie's Choice ahead of me!!! So I prayed about it - and asked that someone else make the decision for me because I'm not capable of it.

  • I received an email from my friends who are already out in Sudan. Paul said to leave him in the US. That I would regret it if I brought him and something happened;

  • Josh called to tell me that he thought it would be better for Kernel to stay in the US;

  • The dogwalkers both said that giving him to Brandy's family was the best thing to do;

  • My mom told me that I need to think about Kernel and not me.

They are all right. So this morning, I cried all over Tina instead of exercising....I cried for an hour on the phone with Josh....I cried when I told Minoy....I cried when I talked to Liz....and I cried when Brandy called to tell me they would take him.

I will probably cry for the 8 hour drive all the way to Michigan (and back).

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Academy Award Winning Movies

WHY do I go see these things?? I need to go with my first instinct. If I didn't want to see it before, I probably shouldn't talk myself into going to see it at the movies simply because Kate Winslet won an Oscar!

My new Mantra needs to be: "Remember Like Water for Chocolate!" Because What the hell was that!? I am honestly confused when people tell me they LOVED that movie because it was so romantic. Seriously people?? I think fireworks came out of their ass at the end. That's disturbing and F'd up, NOT romantic.

Back to my complaint - Brandy and I went to go see "The Reader" this weekend at the theaters. I talked myself (and her) out of going to see "He's Just Not That Into You" because I heard Kate Winslet won and Oscar and people were saying how moving this movie was....

Was anyone else disturbed by this movie?? (A) there was a LOT of nudity. Full frontal nudity....FROM A TEEN; and (B) it TOTALLY bummed me out. Although, in its defense, I don't recall any of the reviews saying it was the "uplifting, feel good movie of the year." I guess it probably should have been intuitive that a movie about Nazis and the death of Jews was not going to be something to make you go home humming a happy tune.

However, I still submit that THERE WAS A LOT OF NUDITY! I believe at one point, I was questioning whether they would EVER put their clothes on... I tell you, that movie adversely affected my popcorn and milk dud consumption rates, it was that disturbing!

PLUS, the theater was FULL of old people. Not old people like me old people, I mean senior citizens (who got a discount to go to this show -- and were probably thankful). ALL the handicapped seats were taken, and I think the people behind us were annoyed at our continuous popcorn crunching (and probably my running commentary on how all the nakedness was disturbing to me....). Old people aren't as patient as they should be, frankly. Where is the kindly grandmother figure these days??

What will likely happen is that someone will point out some obvious thing about the movie, and I will go, "OOOOOHHH!" and then the movie will make sense and will seem a lot better. Kinda like when I totally hated "No Country for Old Men" because it was totally not plausible that the creepy, bad-haircut guy could find that guy everywhere he went and always showed up immediately and nobody ever seemed to catch him! That guy got away with like 723 murders!!! So I was bitching one day about how it honked and how idiotic the police department was back in the 70s, and my friend Paul pointed out that the creepy guy was Death, noting how he always said "You don't see me." if someone were going to live, and then the movie made sooo much more sense (but still a bummer, I tell you)!

However, back to The Reader, unless they're going to dress that kid, and make him about 8 years older (minimum) I'm frankly not going to see that happening. And this is coming from a girl who married a younger man!!!

That movie was like mental terrorism!!! Clearly, I'm not ready for deep, emotional movies with a social message.

You see, we build to that. Baby Steps.