Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Have I Mentioned that I Hate People??

You know how you always see those random news stories on 60 Minutes or Dateline or some other boring show that is (mostly) not about me...and how they show these stories about that one lady in the neighborhood who kinda just sits at home, reading, watching TV, hoarding animals, until ONE DAY, the Humane Society shows up and condemns her house because it turns out 23 dogs is one too many?? And remember how those TV shows totally imply that that one lady is weird?

Well, to be honest, I'm totally considering applying to be that one lady....

I mean, I don't intend to get 23 dogs (because that is clearly unsanitary...my God Man! I used to leave the room (usually to get a snack, frankly) and leave Kernel unattended for circa twos of minutes and come back downstairs to find that Kernel had (a) de-stuffed and isolated the squeaker in at least 3 toys; (b) rearranged the couches in what appeared to be random fashion (almost as if he took a running leap on them and slid them across the room...) giving the room an "artless, I don't give a shit about aesthetics" ultra chic look; and (c) shed and drooled all over the hardwood floors, creating a slippery mass of hairball from newly placed couch to hallway...)  HOWEVER (and this is just my own personal preference, I'm not advocating you limit yourselves in anyway  - but please respect the 23 dog-max limit) I would get (no more than) 2 dogs....

Frankly, it sounds fabulous to sit at home all day, and read, watch TV, shun your neighbors, --  I'm assuming eating cake, cookies and donuts is implied.  PLUS, I would totally not have to do my hair, find matching shoes (I hear you can wear tennis shoes with your skirts, slacks, jammies, if you so choose), etc.  I would get out my trusty slippers, ensure that I had ample DVR space, an internet connection (in case you guys needed to know what I thought about something), and pizza hut, Little Debbie Snack Cake Manufacturers (for bulk orders), and/or dunkin donuts on speed dial. 

Just think: I wouldn't have to talk to people....pretend to listen to what they have to say...make up excuses as to why I can't give them a visa...or EVER have to agree that their country is just as good as the USA (No Canada! You're not!! That's not bacon and I'm not going to talk about it again.  Ever!  You hosers.) 

So, I'm just saying.  After this tour in Khartoum, I'm considering my options for my next posting.  Top of my list is employed, but essentially living on my couch.  (I can't be unemployed!   I have an Anthropologie, Ann Taylor and Amazon.com addition!  I need help!)

Best part of this plan, however, is that I don't have to interact with other people, which I have currently isolated as the root of all my problems. 



Think about it.   (You know you totally want to do it too.  However, you can't! BACK OFF BITCHES! this is my idea!  Do your own work!)

17 comments:

Amber said...

LOVE IT!!!

Amber said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rabbit said...

Gurrl..... I am halfway there already - sans the pets. I've not left the house in more than a week. We won't even discuss my hair at this point. The only interaction I have had with humans is to peek out the curtain all Gladys Kravitz like and snarl at the tweeker/crackwhore/pothead that has taken up residence next door. And just yesterday I ate an entire two pound bag of chocolate and smoked too much.

Where's my Mumu?

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

Maaannnnn! I've been trying to figure a way to get paid...AND WELL...for just sitting on my ass at home all day for YEARS but I just haven't found that right gig yet.

Dammit!!

An Open Heart said...

Here's the deal, get a job in mortgage banking, lose your job because all the greedy crackheads who ran the mortgage industry ran it into the ground and start drawing unemployment, FOREVER, because all of the crackheads pissed everyone off so bad that Congress has over legislated disclosure laws and you find that there are no more jobs in your field, therefore providing you with a reason to stay on unemployment.....this way you don't have to feel like you've disappointed anyone and you can justify the little debbies, see's candy, pizza hut delivery, and the little local chinese food place that delivers.

Just an idea.....

S

Reddirt Woman said...

Have you recently changed your name to "Maxine"?

Helen

Rita said...

Trade ya, for a job in nowhere Indiana, knee deep in snow and gray skies all winter long, sitting in front of a pc all day long and working in a place that makes Office Space look like vanilla ice cream.

Of course, I have absolutely no idea what a government employee actually does, so maybe it is worse than the only existence I've ever known.

Good luck with the 23 dog thing

Jersey Girl said...

What you describe sounds like heaven to me!

I've said similar things to friends and I'm amazed at how many say they would be bored to tears. I guess they never learned how to entertain themselves as a child. (I originally wrote that they never learned "to play with themselves," but I thought that had the wrong connotation.) :)

♥ Braja said...

Back off? Ahh, Michel honey, I've been doin' all those things a long time and calling it "life," just no camera has been stickin' it's nose in filming me doing it. Did i miss something?

SB said...

ah boo...what did Canada ever do? the rest sounds legit... I am so into being a hermit...but, why hate on Canada???

Susan said...

As soon as I stopped working and began sitting on the couch at home, I got way too large for Anthropologie and Ann Taylor. Just sayin'.

blognut said...

That is my dream job!!! You can't seriously be thinking about stealing my dream job. All I'm missing is the perfect GET RICH scheme, or a semi-profitable WORK FROM HOME scheme so I can afford to change careers from Banker to Couch Test Pilot with a laptop and snacks within easy reach.

Digger said...

Since you are in the FS, you can actually do this. All you have to do is stay home and surround yourself with empty bottles of alcohol (you don't have to actually drink it, but you can if you want). When they finally notice you are missing (and this is the FS, it could take a while), the will come to your house, send you off to rehab, and then promote you when you are done for overcoming your "issues."

And all of this will be while you are still getting paid.

And the really scary part...you wouldn't be the first!

Middle Aged Woman said...

Didn't Josh just GET there? And now you are looking at a new posting? Is this a plot to drive him crazy? Like a really whacked out version of those old movies where the husband is trying to make the wife think she's crazy, and they do it mostly by only lighting his eyes so he looks like Bela Lugosi? Hmmm. I think you should investigate where the Ann Taylor and Anthropologie warehouses are and work on getting posted there.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Ummm, Canada is TOTALLY better than the US of A, eh. AND, our bacon is the same as yours, only BETTER.

And why do dogs do that with stuffed animals? What the hell do they want with the squeaker anyway???

tera said...

Wouldn't it be great to be "dooce" and stay home and blog all day? Oh wait...that's still work isn't it? *sigh* At least I got to pretend the last couple days. I took some vacation, stayed in my jammies, except when hubs said he wanted a Krispy Kreme so we threw on jeans long enough to drive to the valley and buy a box. Yea vacation!

Christina said...

Sincere apologies: I realize that I am, as always, typically slow to react; however, I totally call copyright on the crazy animal lady idea - don't you try an font me biatz!