You know how you always see those random news stories on 60 Minutes or Dateline or some other boring show that is (mostly) not about me...and how they show these stories about that one lady in the neighborhood who kinda just sits at home, reading, watching TV, hoarding animals, until ONE DAY, the Humane Society shows up and condemns her house because it turns out 23 dogs is one too many?? And remember how those TV shows totally imply that that one lady is weird?
Well, to be honest, I'm totally considering applying to be that one lady....
I mean, I don't intend to get 23 dogs (because that is clearly unsanitary...my God Man! I used to leave the room (usually to get a snack, frankly) and leave Kernel unattended for circa twos of minutes and come back downstairs to find that Kernel had (a) de-stuffed and isolated the squeaker in at least 3 toys; (b) rearranged the couches in what appeared to be random fashion (almost as if he took a running leap on them and slid them across the room...) giving the room an "artless, I don't give a shit about aesthetics" ultra chic look; and (c) shed and drooled all over the hardwood floors, creating a slippery mass of hairball from newly placed couch to hallway...) HOWEVER (and this is just my own personal preference, I'm not advocating you limit yourselves in anyway - but please respect the 23 dog-max limit) I would get (no more than) 2 dogs....
Frankly, it sounds fabulous to sit at home all day, and read, watch TV, shun your neighbors, -- I'm assuming eating cake, cookies and donuts is implied. PLUS, I would totally not have to do my hair, find matching shoes (I hear you can wear tennis shoes with your skirts, slacks, jammies, if you so choose), etc. I would get out my trusty slippers, ensure that I had ample DVR space, an internet connection (in case you guys needed to know what I thought about something), and pizza hut, Little Debbie Snack Cake Manufacturers (for bulk orders), and/or dunkin donuts on speed dial.
Just think: I wouldn't have to talk to people....pretend to listen to what they have to say...make up excuses as to why I can't give them a visa...or EVER have to agree that their country is just as good as the USA (No Canada! You're not!! That's not bacon and I'm not going to talk about it again. Ever! You hosers.)
So, I'm just saying. After this tour in Khartoum, I'm considering my options for my next posting. Top of my list is employed, but essentially living on my couch. (I can't be unemployed! I have an Anthropologie, Ann Taylor and Amazon.com addition! I need help!)
Best part of this plan, however, is that I don't have to interact with other people, which I have currently isolated as the root of all my problems.
Think about it. (You know you totally want to do it too. However, you can't! BACK OFF BITCHES! this is my idea! Do your own work!)
Sometimes? I'm Judgmental. Also, Seattle!
3 hours ago