Saturday, October 17, 2009


As you may or may not recall, about a month and a half ago I was on this big ole kick where I was going to lose weight and exercise because Josh is going to be arriving here in Khartoum in November and I figured it would be nice if I were somewhat the same sized person I was when he left.  However, then I got to Sudan and was left unattended and there were some boxes of Little Debbie's that arrived here, then the water started to shrink my clothes, and the Sudanese shove your face with food because they think fat chicks are hot here, so they tell me I need to eat.  (I KNOW! You'd totally think I would appreciate this fact more, wouldn't you? Go figure!)

So now I have no idea whether or not I'm normal anymore because I've lost my frame of reference.  It's not like I can just go into Ann Taylor or some other store and try on clothes that I figure are my size (which will never be spoken aloud, thank you very much!) to see if they still fit!!

So then I spoke to Josh last night and was like..."Oh, you'll be here soon, that will be so great.  How much longer is it now?  Three? Four weeks??"

Turns out, (and this may shock you all) November is about 2 weeks away.  WTF!? When did this happen??

So now, since I can't really figure out what kind of damage I have done being unattended for the last 7 months or so, I just have to take a guess and assume I need to lose about 73 pounds in 2 weeks.  Or maybe it was 23?   With all these metric figures running around I have no idea what is needed. 

So this morning I got up to exercise, I put on my clothes, got out my stuff, started up the iPod playing so that I would be all entertained -- and then I decided I needed coffee.  So I made a pot of coffee -- because you can't just exercise when you're tired.  It's EARLY. 

So then as I was drinking my coffee I realized that I was supposed to make and bring garlic bread to the office today because we were having a going away lunch for a lady that was here temporarily working.  So I got out all the stuff to make bread.

Then I remembered that you have to let the bread rise for like 1-2 hours before you bake it for another 30 mins or more and that it was 0630. 

So then I put away all the stuff for bread and gathered up the stuff to make storebought bread into garlic bread and packed it for work. 

Then I remembered that I was supposed to be exercising

Then I looked at the clock and it was now 0730 (obviously bread math takes me longer than the normal person to do) and that I needed to get ready for work.

Then I remembered that I had not written and blog or read anyone's blogs for a full week now and felt really guilty...SO here I am at my computer in my exercise gear writing this blog about how I am not exercising.

SOOOOO, my point is...It is pretty much all YOUR fault that I am going to be fat when Josh arrives

Therefore, I'd really appreciate it if you would all write me a note to excuse my fattiness and remind Josh that he married me in Sickness and in Health (the sickness coming first to remind him that my inherent laziness is a sickness and needs medical help to cure me).

Thanks.  I really appreciate it. 

In return, I will try to be a better blogger. (I'm still lazy though.  See the whole blog above. I probably can't be trusted... DOOY!)


AmyK said...

I think Josh should applaud you for gaining weight just to fit in with your new countries customs. Like celebrities gain weight for a role, so did you. Fully intentionally. Right? good job.

Anonymous said...

you know it all how you see your self. if you think your fat your fat, but if you like the way you look then people and josh will like you to.

any ways its more cushin for the pushing and its protecting your bones in case you fall. a tall drink of hot water like you needs it..... falling from your height

your hot baby live, laugh and love everything..( even little debbie)

Beth said...

Personally, I would blame the people who sent the Little Debbie cakes to you. And the Sudanese who kept offering you food. Obviously, they knew that you are a nice, well-mannered person. And it would have been rude of you to turn down their food.

♥ Braja said...

Dear Josh,

I am sorry to hear you've been so utterly brainwashed into thinking stick-thin girls are sexy, desirable, capable, hot, and rich. They're not. It's an illusion. Besides that, sex with a tree would be more comfortable. Not that I'm suggesting you go and sex with a tree. Leave the trees alone.

Your wife is fighting off the challenges that go hand in hand with being the next reigning sex goddess of Khartoum. Relish the time you have been given with her. You're the lucky one. Pray she never loses weight. Inshallah....


Anonymous said...

I haven't been posting much either but I've also noticed people are unsubscribing at an alarming rate - WTF people? I'm not Chris Rock!

anyways- do my trick- take the size tags off ALL your clothes and then it won't matter- you just look at Josh with a straight face and convince him that you're still the same. It'll work. And if you're naked, he'll stop listening anyways and get busy....


Middle Aged Woman said...

Dear Josh,

I'm sure it will come as no surprise to you that your wife suffers from a form of illness, not necessarily readily apparent. Therefore, if she is curvier than usual, it is all based on her effort to stave off the woes of this illness by sharing her wacked-out thoughts with the world, rather than inflict them on you. She's kind of a hero.


Elle said...

First, you have NOT gained weight, its all a matter of science. Heat makes things expand, cold makes thing contract. You are experiencing a weather related size disorder, or WRSD for short. Scientists are frantically trying to find a cure for this devastating illness. Maybe they need a walk-a-thon or something to raise money.

Second the whole exercise thing is just too damned hard, especially when you are already battling WRSD. Besides, you intended to exercise, and it's the thought that counts right?

Linda said...

Sounds like your brain is doing a lot of jumping and skipping, and that should translate to overall better fitness, right? Well, it should. Tell Josh that was what you thought anyway.
I predict that he will think you're just lovely, especially in the native flowing garb you still have time to acquire.

blognut said...

Dear Josh,

Shortly after arriving in Sudan, someone kidnapped Michel and locked her in a closet with a computer. They stuffed this closet full of Little Debbie snacks and alcohol, and only let Michel out for work-related functions.

Therefore, it stands to reason that Michel, blogged on the computer, ate the snacks and drank the booze. She's only human, man!


lakeviewer said...

You know about bread and weight gaining right? I know, not your fault.

Suzy said...

Bread is Satan. I think we all worship him. I can't buy any because it's gone in 2 seconds. Send Josh to me, I'll straighten him out.

rxBambi said...

Dear Josh:
Michel will still love you when you have a pot belly and ear hair. Besides, you weren't here to exercise with her. Really, this is all your fault and by the way, it's nice to have something to hold on to.
Plus I never sent her any Adderall so really it's all my fault.

Elle said...

LOL @ RxBambi. Ear hair. Yikes!!!

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I have no idea what Lil Debbies are... maybe that is Ok.

Your comment thread is a lot of fun today, don't think I can top them.

Smart Mouth Broad said...

You mean you can't lose 23 lbs in 2 weeks? Damn. I'm in trouble too.

Captain Dumbass said...

Just more of her to love, Josh.

Gaston Studio said...

Dear Josh,

Listen to all Michel's followers, they know they're the guilty ones for sending her all those Little Debbies. Of course, I'm totally innocent because we all know fudge cake mixes are totally without calories or carbs.

Then, look at that smile, look at those eyes who adore you, and remember it's not the package that counts but what's inside.


loveandbooze said...

Isn't it funny the extent we go to in order to AVOID physical excersise? I've been there. I am still there most of the time.