Sunday, October 18, 2009

OMG! My Lie Came TRUE!

You know the old adage about where if you say something enough times that you start to believe it and then it comes true?? What? Is that just me?   Is that not an adage?  Wait.... Maybe I don't know what the hell an adage is....

ANYWAY, so I was spouting my "justifications" about how my clothes were all shrinking and how I wasn't getting fat, but it was actually society that was labeling me.  WELL, last night I received the new clothes I ordered in the mail.

Which reminds me....I started ordering crap strategically in stages so that I would ALWAYS be getting mail, but the stupid effin mail fairy has been holding everything and then giving me this big ole pile of boxes - which, at first, is all waaay cool because, I have a big ole pile o'boxes!   but then, it's not as cool because you realize you have to bring all those boxes into the house and carry them from the car while you dodge the dingos you thought were soooo adorable when they were babies and wondered what could possibly go wrong if you allowed them into the housing compound to just live in the yard. (Note to self: You are not dog whisperer.  You are not cut out to raise a pack of wild dingos.) SO THEN, after you open the first box and you're like, "Yaay! air fresheners! (listen people! Don't you judge me until you come here!  This place is effin stinky! You'd totally say that too!)  But then you're like..."oh, air fresheners...yeah..that's cool.  Smells nice."   SO you rip into the next box and you're like, "Yaay! thank you cards." then you come to your senses and you remember that you're lazy and don't like to write thank you cards and now you have no excuse NOT to write a thank you card. 

You realize you just might hate the mail fairy!  That bitch.

So anyway, my point -- where was I going with this?? Oh!  So I get a box from Ann Taylor, which is REALLY a "YAAY" and I go running upstairs to see what I ordered. (Actually, that is kinda a good thing.  It takes so long for shit to get here that you totally forget what you ordered so it is a big ole surprise when you get it and you're like, WOW! I really like this! Wonder who ordered it?!)

And then I try them on....They're all a little big. (but nobody panic, I'm sure they will shrink to unwearable size within four days.  I've decided I need to just order disposable clothes...)


SO the moral of this story (or adage) is that if you tell yourself (and others) a lie enough times, it will totally come true.

Feel free to pass that wisdom onto your kids. 

PS I'm totally rich and can quit this job.....

19 comments:

An Open Heart said...

I love your blog....you always make me laugh....seriously, you should do stand up.....

As for your strategic ordering so that you always have mail coming in....brilliant, shall I send over my minions to get rid of the mail fairy, since she messed up your system?


S

mo.stoneskin said...

Presumably my thankyou card is in the post? If not post it quick, we have postal strikes later this week.

Hit 40 said...

I read back the last few posts. I wonder how you can get those doggies fixed? A few dogs are fun... now they are breeding :-(

Congrats that your clothes were shrinking. Very nice.

You need a countdown to Josh on your sidebar.

Gaston Studio said...

Well, it's obvious to me that you lost weight during Ramadan while you were trying desperately to find and, more importantly, EAT food where others didn't see you.

CarrieAnn said...

I love Ann Taylor. And all of my clothes are shrinking bc I am actually getting fat.

Btw..last night I had a dream that you were tweezing my eyebrows (weird, right?). And I gave you a $15 tip which you demanded in the form of a personal check.

I don't get it either.

Beth said...

I feel so inspired that I think I'm going to order some clothes from Ann Taylor, too! Who can I blame if they don't fit?

Captain Dumbass said...

I don't need to go back to work.

I don't need to go back to work.

I don't need to go back to work.

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

Dude!!! Seriously, you are killing me right now. I sooo need to order new clothers as all of mine have somehow shrunk! WTH!

blognut said...

Dude. You are one of the smartest people I know.

I am totally going to start telling lies so they can come true.

darsden said...

HaHa you must be out of lil debbies already and lossing weight ...

Jane! said...

Cookies are calorie-less.
Cookies are calorie-less.
Cookies are calorie-less.

♥ Braja said...

See? this is what happens when you own your Queendom.

otin said...

Yea, that's the ticket! Buy your clothes 2 sizes too big! Why diet!!!? LOL

A Mom on Spin said...

There's proof! The stinky smells are ruining your appetite!

No more air fresheners for me. . .I'm from Jersey. . .

Optimistic Pessimist said...

congrats on your lies becoming the truth. i will put this into practice immediately. and starting tomorrow i will teach my son all about it as well.

K said...

I swear my dryer continues to slowly shrink everything.

It can't just be my behind that's growing right...right?

staceyjwarner said...

Found you from OMGoddess, congrats! Glad I found you. Please stop by the respite sometime...it's a different vibe but you might like it...

much love

Jeanne said...

That is amazing!

I wonder if I can lie my fat ass back to a reasonable size?

tattytiara said...

Off to go lie to the contents of my closet now.