Thanks to everyone who sent me accusatory emails asking why I didn't bother to inform you all that I was dead - pointing out that it is RUDE to simply die and not tell people you planned to do so in advance. I did, indeed, make a note of it.
However, I am NOT dead. I am brain dead, but that is a bit different. As I think I mentioned, much like how it is USG holiday season, it is also National Day Season here in Khartoum. Honestly, we have 3 months where it is one National Day after another and then a circa 5 month dry spell where you have to plan your own activities and potentially PAY for booze. I find this to be an unspeakable outrage and should not be tolerated.
Therefore, in order to avoid this in the future, I would like to ask a small favor of, say, South Korea, Spain and Saudi Arabia. Would you please be a lamb and move your national Days to the months of March, May and June respectively? I'd REALLY appreciate that. You're not wedded to those days right?? It's not like it's the 4th of July or something like that! SOMETHING important.....because we can't move ours because it is an important day. I'm not sure why you thought 04 October was so cool, but it will help me plan my weeks better and will ensure that I am not cranky if you could just move it.
Thanks! I think we can all agree that nobody wants me to be cranky. It's just better for all involved.
ANYWAY, the reason why I have been out of touch is because I am now a single mom.
Yes, you heard me. I now have parenting responsibilities in addition to my regular "being the face of America" duties. (You know, now that I put it like that, I realize that I should probably think about combing my hair on a regular basis..whatever...)
So meet our new babies!! I have found a for-sure home for one of them, and am looking for someone to take the other.
Unfortunately, there was a third little baby who died this afternoon. He was kinda deformed and wasn't eating. I briefly considered taking him into work with me and making everyone in the office feed him with a eye dropper as part of their "other duties as assigned," but then I remembered that you're not allowed to bring your pets into the Embassy...so I devised this elaborate plan where I would make a little vest that said DEA on the outside and would tell everyone he was a bomb/drug dog, but then I realized that there aren't really that many bomb/drug sniffing dogs that are 3 days old. (there's always a catch, isn't there!) But I still think I could have bluffed my way through this - I mean who really KNOWS about training bomb dogs...maybe smelly pirate ho mommy dogs can pass that info on the womb...they don't know!
Anyway, it was very sad for us - the local guards and I buried the baby and made a little marked grave for him in the housing compound (in the guy from USAID's yard, I'm sure he would want us to have that there...granted, he wasn't home, but still...)
I feel awful, but I think it is better that I didn't try to save him - mostly because he would have ended up in my house as a pet and I think Josh would likely leave me. (I've been given strict instructions not to adopt anymore strays. However, define adopt...) In my defense, however, meet my enabler:
Smelly Pirate Ho Mommy-Dog....
LOOK AT THAT LITTLE FACE!? You can't call her a whore and abandon her?! SO, my new plan is to turn to a life of crime - but ORGANIZED crime so that I can make big money and then make an orphanage for stray pets....and maybe buy some shoes. (I like shoes too.) And maybe some candy.
Damnitt!! You know I'd totally squander all my ill gotten gains on candy and shoes and then the poor puppies would end up back on the street selling tricks for a piece of chicken.
I'm going to need to devise a plan B.
Sometimes? I'm Judgmental. Also, Seattle!
3 hours ago