Tuesday, October 13, 2009

No, I'm Not Dead....

Thanks to everyone who sent me accusatory emails asking why I didn't bother to inform you all that I was dead - pointing out that it is RUDE to simply die and not tell people you planned to do so in advance.  I did, indeed, make a note of it. 

However, I am NOT dead.  I am brain dead, but that is a bit different.  As I think I mentioned, much like how it is USG holiday season, it is also National Day Season here in Khartoum.  Honestly, we have 3 months where it is one National Day after another and then a circa 5 month dry spell where you have to plan your own activities and potentially PAY for booze.  I find this to be an unspeakable outrage and should not be tolerated.   

Therefore, in order to avoid this in the future, I would like to ask a small favor of, say, South Korea, Spain and Saudi Arabia.  Would you please be a lamb and move your national Days to the months of March, May and June respectively?  I'd REALLY appreciate that.  You're not wedded to those days right?? It's not like it's the 4th of July or something like that! SOMETHING important.....because we can't move ours because it is an important day.  I'm not sure why you thought 04 October was so cool, but it will help me plan my weeks better and will ensure that I am not cranky if you could just move it. 

Thanks!  I think we can all agree that nobody wants me to be cranky.  It's just better for all involved.

ANYWAY, the reason why I have been out of touch is because I am now a single mom.  

Yes, you heard me.  I now have parenting responsibilities in addition to my regular "being the face of America" duties.  (You know, now that I put it like that, I realize that I should probably think about combing my hair on a regular basis..whatever...)

So meet our new babies!! I have found a for-sure home for one of them, and am looking for someone to take the other. 

Unfortunately, there was a third little baby who died this afternoon.  He was kinda deformed and wasn't eating.  I briefly considered taking him into work with me and making everyone in the office feed him with a eye dropper as part of their "other duties as assigned," but then I remembered that you're not allowed to bring your pets into the Embassy...so I devised this elaborate plan where I would make a little vest that said DEA on the outside and would tell everyone he was a bomb/drug dog, but then I realized that there aren't really that many bomb/drug sniffing dogs that are 3 days old. (there's always a catch, isn't there!)  But I still think I could have bluffed my way through this - I mean who really KNOWS about training bomb dogs...maybe smelly pirate ho mommy dogs can pass that info on the womb...they don't know!

Anyway, it was very sad for us - the local guards and I buried the baby and made a little marked grave for him in the housing compound (in the guy from USAID's yard, I'm sure he would want us to have that there...granted, he wasn't home, but still...) 

I feel awful, but I think it is better that I didn't try to save him - mostly because he would have ended up in my house as a pet and I think Josh would likely leave me.  (I've been given strict instructions not to adopt anymore strays.  However, define adopt...)   In my defense, however, meet my enabler:








 Smelly Pirate Ho Mommy-Dog....




LOOK AT THAT LITTLE FACE!?  You can't call her a whore and abandon her?!  SO, my new plan is to turn to a life of crime - but ORGANIZED crime so that I can make big money and then make an orphanage for stray pets....and maybe buy some shoes. (I like shoes too.)  And maybe some candy.

Damnitt!!  You know I'd totally squander all my ill gotten gains on candy and shoes and then the poor puppies would end up back on the street selling tricks for a piece of chicken.

I'm going to need to devise a plan B. 

28 comments:

Linda said...

Okay, between National Days of whoever and the half-orphans you are mentoring, I guess you have been a tad too busy to post.

But your absence was noted.

Optimistic Pessimist said...

congratulations on becoming a mommy!

Harlem's A Hatin said...

Those puppies are adorable!!

http://harlemshaterade.blogspot.com

mo.stoneskin said...

You're turning to crime? I thought you were already a criminal...

I kid of course...

You could be the Robin Hood of Khartoum, taking from the rich to rescue dogs.

lakeviewer said...

We thought you went underground-or awall-or both. Holidays? You get your own country's and the host country too? Lucky you.

A Mom on Spin said...

Yeah, the life of crime is definitely the way to go!

Elle said...

So glad you are Ok, I was starting to worry (no,really I was). Those puppies are so damned cute!

Captain Dumbass said...

You just need to hold on past the growth years until you have some minions who can handle the crime for you while you spend your days buying shoes and eating candy.

otin said...

Now how am I going to make a semi witty and irreverant comment after a dog died??

Reddirt Woman said...

I think that's "turning tricks" for a piece of chicken... Kinda like being a hamburger hooker... someone who will do whatever you want in exchange for a burger...

Helen

Oh My Goddess said...

Awwww, it was a good reason to be away!

Pastor Sharon said...

Congratulations MOMMY! Those babies are sooooo cute! Send one to me. . . in America!!!

Can I adopt it? Of course then I'd be in the dog house. Ms. Daisy would expect that I stay there! She couldn't stand the thought of another 'baby' in her space!

wow, how precious they are! I'm so sorry the other baby didn't live. . . that's sad.

Amy said...

Those puppies are adorable!! DON'T let the Pastor talk you into sending one to her!!! I just put up the NO VANCACY sign. However they are pretty cute.
Congrats on being a mommy!!!

Pastor Sharon said...

What the ???????
Did Amy send that at exactly the same time I did!!!!!??????

She has totally got to quit reading my mind! Invading my head like that is illegal. . . in some countries. . . .

How would she read me like that? Do I act that much like a puppy lover? I guess so.....

tera said...

Awww...cute little pirate ho puppies!

It's a good thing you are all the way over there and not next door (that house finally sold, by the way, so you're just going to have to live somewhere else when you get back. Dammit.) - anyway, it's a good thing 'cause I'd have to go over there and sneak 'em home.
Then hubs and cats would likely disown me.
Then I'd have to move in with you.

tera said...

Of course, I used to be a bartender, so I could make you all the Bakon martinis you want!

tera said...

Of course, then we'd become raging alcoholics... so maybe that's not a good thing.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

They look totally worth abandoning the blog fro a bit. Cute little ho pups.

Gaston Studio said...

Since I was gone for over a week, I didn't realize you were awol but I totally understand the reason, and am so sorry one of the pups didn't make it. Are we getting Mommy Ho dog spayed?

If you insist on turning to crime, I wholeheartedly agree to mo.stoneskin's recommendation of Robin Hood... and you won't have to brush your hair at all.

blognut said...

I thought we put Pirate-Ho Mommy Dog on birth control. It's time for her to learn a little responsibility and to keep her tail covered, if you know what I mean.

You've got to talk to your kids about sex, Michel. You can't wait for the kids on the playground to do it for you because they totally will and they will not send the right message!

Ambiance in the Attic said...

Cute puppies! I wish I could keep him, but not with my other dog and three cats! Best of Luck!

rxBambi said...

I was wondering where the hell you were. I meant to be one of those annoying people asking about you, but it's been hectic here. So sorry. But in all honesty I'm really really glad you're not dead. I'd have felt bad for not emailing you in your afterlife.
But for your nowlife, I am totally proud of you. You know Barb and I volunteer for a rescue site and I just think you're awesome for taking care of (what's her name?) stinky pirate ho mommy or something?
You totally rock. Seriously. And I'm sorry you lost one little guy...

Interesting tho, today there have been a ton of posts on dogs, even a blurb on mine. weird, huh???

♥ Braja said...

Plan B? Go with the "deformed" tag.....really tugs the heart strings and will fill your purse with boozin' money.

TechnoBabe said...

The puppies are awesome. Have fun being a mom.

Medora said...

Aw, how adorable. That is the cutest slut I have ever seen.

McGillicutty said...

This whole stray dog thing just really intrigues me and i don't know why? I mean are they just hanging around on the street? are they gang dogs? why don't they get proper jobs instead of procreating all over the place, why are you rescuing them all. Is there no humane society? I can't tell if they are Labrabeagles? houndmations? Jack Danes? Great Russels? I mean it's all just so interesting!!!!!!!

Smart Mouth Broad said...

But she's such a cute little smelly pirate ho.

So sorry about the little puppy.

Glad you're not dead. Again, I don't know what we would do without you. Who could ever take your place as the "face of America"? Now, go brush your teeth.

otin said...

(Poking head through the door) Michel?? You home?? LOL