Mom, Don't Read this Post...You Either Pastor Sharon....Or, Why Liz and I are Probably Not Going to Heaven Anytime Soon...

So today I was back at work after the "long" holiday weekend that included a series of unfortunate events (me working on Christmas Eve), an event that I previously thought would signal the apocalypse (I finally met a cupcake I didn't like), a Christmas Miracle (I actually ate so much pie that I don't actually want anymore...ever) and I managed to piss Jesus off....all in one long weekend.  Impressed?? I know!!  So was I!!!

How did I piss of Jesus you ask? Well, a myriad of reasons really....turns out, Jesus does not consider a "Beer Pong Tournament" a suitable celebration venue for the birth of our lord and Savior.  In reality, Jesus pretty much called me a drunken smelly pirate ho and then smoted me about 15 minutes after everyone left Jesus' Birthday Beer Pong Festival at my house.   To punish me, he visited the Angel of Bed Spins and Vomit  upon me...and that guy didn't leave until like 5 pm the next day.  Jesus REALLY does not care for Birthday Beer Pong. 

Seriously you guys, write that down.

So I'm telling Liz all about how I pissed Jesus off and she was telling me all about how her family managed to create a scene at midnight mass.  So apparently (and nobody tell Dan this, I don't think Liz was supposed to tell me...) the preacher at the mass was from Boston.  So he's all preaching about how cool God is and all, and her family was paying very close attention for literally 12s of minutes, but then apparently the Preacher said, "Dah-kness" and a few other words that started them to roll around the pews laughing (everything is waaay more funny in church, frankly).

And then after they got the stink eye from the rest of the congregation who are just a little bit more mature and had apparently a little bit less sugar before Mass, Dan got into a tug of war with the lady holding the blood of Christ.  In Italy, they don't let you use your hands on Christ's stuff. 

Which then prompted a discussion that will likely end with both of us headed south (or back to Khartoum) for the afterlife. 

•  I pointed out how for the longest time I thought the Priest was saying the "Bread of Christ" - -  which, in my defense, it WAS bread. (I was like eight, I really didn't get the whole transubstantiation thing) -- and then the whole Blood of Christ kinda freaked me out because you gotta admit that sounds pretty gross to actually drink (PLUS, I've always thought drinking out of the same cup along with 50 other people is unsanitary.  I'm not sure the Church actually offers an actual Sanitizer of Christ on that napkin they wipe the cup with after that one drooley guy who sat beside you takes a drink.
  

• I also don't like it when they don't let you use your hands to take the communion.  I'm really worried that I'm going to choke on it because I'll get all nervous I am gonna drop it, then inhale it into my lungs.  I mean if you think about it, what the heck would everyone at mass think if you started to choke on the Communion.  I know what I would think...I would think you were Satan and that this was the start of some scary effin horror movie.  I don't want to go through that man! Just lemme take it first, and then I'll place it squarely in my mouth...for safety reasons.....
  
  
• Liz wondered if during the last supper Jesus had to make extra Bread to pass around for the Body of Christ like he had to do on that hillside when he fed all those people from the fish and bread.  Naturally, I then worried that they might have only gotten the little communion sized piece of bread - so I would have felt all robbed during the last supper, and probably resented Peter who likely got a bigger piece of bread than I would have gotten because he's waaay holier than I am....
  
  
• Did Jesus actually eat dinner too?  What did he order? Is there a Leg of Lamb of Christ too??  Should we have that on Easter?? Is this in the Bible?? I really should have paid closer attention in CCD.  If I were Jesus (and I think we can safely assume I am not after THIS post) I would have ordered a Macaroni and Cheese of Christ and probably an  Apple Pie and Chocolate Cake of Christ as well.  -- I have recently put a lot of thought (as has Liz, frankly) as to what we would order for our last supper.  I'm not sure I would be able to decide.  I would, however, probably eat so much my tummy hurt though...because what's the point? I'd also probably try to make it linger for about 3 more days...I'd just keep ordering stuff....
  

Anyway, if I have offended any of your catholic sensibilities, I do apologize.  If it makes you feel any better, my  mother and father are probably changing their phone number and email addresses as you read this....right after  they send me a very strongly worded email to voice their disgust for me.  However, these are theological questions that should probably be answered (but not in the comment section)!

God smoted me enough for ruining his birthday.  I truly think this one will likely be a freebie!!!