Dear US Embassy Doctor,

I am writing this letter to inform you that I have decided to seek other medical care for my "medical issues" (both imagined and real) that I have and/or will encounter in Sudan.  Although I sincerely appreciate your medical advice such as when you recently commented, "Why the hell would you put Neosporin on a burn for more than three days?!  Everyone knows that after three days Neosporin will adversely effect healing of burns!" I really feel that I must point out that, No, not everybody DOES know that. I assume only medical professionals (and maybe my internet pharmacist) would know this.

I feel like it is my civic duty to inform you that most people at post (and when I say "most people," I mean me specifically) rely on YOU to tell them if there is some sort of side effect for a drug or cream.  For example, when I first burned myself and you told me to make sure I cleaned it and put some Neosporin on it, perhaps then would have been a good time to bring up the "but not for more than three days or you will create a skin reaction that will result in hideous scarring and prevent healing."  

I'm just saying...perhaps then would have been a better time than when you pointed it out circa 7 days after I burned myself and had been continuing to put Neosporin on it because (a) I had some; and (b) I saw a commercial that made a scar disappear on some kids' finger back in the day when I had TV.  Clearly, that would help my burn...on my finger!! Obviously, Neosporin is intended for finger healing.  The commercial told me.

Also, I did not appreciate it when you refused to even consider a Medevac back to the States for my debilitating injury, because you "assumed" that Washington would consider that a frivolous request.  Further, you then laughed when I noted that any medevac for myself back to the States would clearly need to be authorized business class -- in case someone bumped my finger!! -- I'm just saying that I think that you might need to work on your bedside (aka pretending to care) manner.

Further, as I am currently an internet certified physician (I mean, my cards don't say US Embassy, Michel, WebMD for nothing man), I'm not really looking for someone to just tell me what you think I have.  I'm very qualified in the use of my medical reference tool "Symptom Checker" and believe I can diagnose my own illnesses - frankly, with a more cool sounding result than your, "that's a burn" diagnosis.  What I am looking for, is someone who is more Prescribey, and less talkey.  

I think you can see that because of my ability to self-diagnose, if I do drag my lazy ass into the health unit, I'm going to need some kind of prescription drug in order to make myself feel as if I have been to a medical professional.  Otherwise, I could just go online and tell myself what to do.   I do hope you understand my decision.  It's nothing personal.  You just suck.

Wishing you and yours a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year,

Michel, WebMD