I am in receipt of your email informing me that you have canceled my order from 20 days ago. I am also in receipt of your subsequent email informing me that you will not be sending me anything I ordered from this account due to historical activity on the account.
I must admit that I am impressed that your website has the capability to track the locations of the internet service provider utilized by an account placing an order. I am also impressed that you keep a record of the locations account holders have logged onto the website for what seems to be infinity. I think that our homeland security elements could benefit from your unique talent and capabilities.
I am sending you this letter, however, in order to clear up what appears to be a misconception on your part with regard to your role in carrying out US policy decisions. Although I fully understand that Sudan (the location of the ISP I initially used to place some items into my cart) is currently subject to sanctions, I do not think, however, that the US government intended for you to add frilly shirts to the list of items currently under sanctions. Further, said sanctions are not intended to punish U.S. diplomats that have to LIVE in Sudan. I mean, if you stop to think about it for just a minute, you would realize that we're not your intended audience. Moreover, I do not think you need to be overly concerned that the Sudanese government (who govern Sudan under shariah law) are going to order a frilly top with cap sleeves anytime soon.
In addition, I would also like to assure you that if, for the sake of argument, the Sudanese Vice President manages to fool everyone -- and he goes to the effort to join (or in my case, marry someone in ) the US military in order to open a bank account at Navy Federal, THEN, he gets a job so that he has a credit history and they unknowingly give him a visa card, THEN he purchases a house in Northern Virginia so that he could have an address to utilize for just this occasion, and then decides he DOES want to order that frilly shirt with cap sleeves to wear to his next state dinner...So he orders it and asks for it to be sent to his address in Virginia, and THEN he flies to the states to meet that package and brings it BACK to Sudan and looks just FABULOUS at that State dinner...I'm just guessing ... you can assume that you would be safe to send him that shirt.
However, since I am in receipt of your notification, I have decided that I no longer like your frilly shirt with the cap sleeves. You may go ahead and send it to the Sudanese Vice President with my blessing.
I'm going back to my BFF, Ann Taylor.
Mocking your overpriced natural fibers,
Michel
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Finally! A More Useful Travel Warning for Sudan....
So, after my trip I was chatting with a number of people here in the embassy, you know, telling my story about how I was diving with the hammerheads and by 10:00 am, people were going, "Yes. You were in the sea. With a shark. We get it. They are bitey." And I realized something: Those people are asses!! That story was good! They don't know.
I mean, maybe it was because I was starting all my sentences with, "well, I would have agreed with you before I was within 5 feet of Hammerhead sharks (no I wouldn't), but now that I've been in the midst of a swarm of barracuda, I feel like I just have a little bit more (and you have to say that part in a really high pitched voice so that it adequately conveys your condenscendingnessious) credibility than you on this issue." or "after being at sea and living through an almost-shark attack, I can see now why you would want me to write up those minutes. However, when you've face a shark, eye-to-eye - like I have - you realize that life is about just a little bit more than your minutes of that meeting."
(Plus, I wasn't really listening during the meeting because I was trying to figure out how I could throw in there that I had seen sharks. I mean, nobody really stops to consider how difficult it is to weave that naturally into a conversation. You have to work at it.)
ANYWAY, I realized that I should probably ensure that you all are aware of the current Travel Warning to Sudan (So none of you decide to come here and clog up the dive sites with your jackassery), because I care about the environment. Therefore, in yet another selfless act as a civil servant of the U.S. of A, I give you my Updated (and more Useful) Travel Warning in case you are now planning to travel to Port Sudan:
Do it! Damnitt!
5. U.S. citizens should note that the Embassy may vary its operating hours without advance notice because it is staffed by U.S. Federal Government Employees who, if an opportunity presents itself, will abandon their work immediately. Please do not try to write a letter to your congressman to complain. There is nothing anyone can do about it. The US Constitution protects the rights of US government employees incompetence and guarantees them continued employment.
6. Services for U.S. citizens are available by appointment only. Requests for an appointment may be made by e-mailing KhartoumConsular@state.gov, or by clicking on the link found on the following web page: http://sudan.usembassy.gov/service.html. Please be advised that the email address above is full and the link will likely not work. U.S. citizens may request emergency services at any time by calling the U.S. Embassy in Khartoum, but the ability of the U.S. Embassy or the Consulate General in Juba to assist U.S. citizens in an emergency is limited. Also, if Michel has the duty, she probably forgot to bring the phone home with her, so you will likely not get an answer. We recommend you call the British Embassy. They are too polite not to help you.
I mean, maybe it was because I was starting all my sentences with, "well, I would have agreed with you before I was within 5 feet of Hammerhead sharks (no I wouldn't), but now that I've been in the midst of a swarm of barracuda, I feel like I just have a little bit more (and you have to say that part in a really high pitched voice so that it adequately conveys your condenscendingnessious) credibility than you on this issue." or "after being at sea and living through an almost-shark attack, I can see now why you would want me to write up those minutes. However, when you've face a shark, eye-to-eye - like I have - you realize that life is about just a little bit more than your minutes of that meeting."
(Plus, I wasn't really listening during the meeting because I was trying to figure out how I could throw in there that I had seen sharks. I mean, nobody really stops to consider how difficult it is to weave that naturally into a conversation. You have to work at it.)
ANYWAY, I realized that I should probably ensure that you all are aware of the current Travel Warning to Sudan (So none of you decide to come here and clog up the dive sites with your jackassery), because I care about the environment. Therefore, in yet another selfless act as a civil servant of the U.S. of A, I give you my Updated (and more Useful) Travel Warning in case you are now planning to travel to Port Sudan:
Travel WarningUnited States Department of State
by Michel
by Michel
This information is current as of today, Wed Feb 24 2010 06:26:53 GMT+0300. (nobody knows what time that is in actuality. It's an enigma, wrapped around a mystery. We put it on the warnings so that you have something to do while you pretend to read the below....)
SUDAN
1. The Department of State warns U.S. citizens of the risks of travel to Sudan, and recommends that all travel to Sudan be deferred due to uncertain and unsanitary, and somewhat confusing bathrooms provided in the airports, (see photo attached in #2 below) and the possibility of violence and harassment targeting westerners if you're a jackass tourist. Granted, this particular warning also applies to jackass tourists in any location, to include Rome, New York City, and Whitehall, Montana.
2. U.S. citizens visiting or residing in Sudan despite the Travel Warning should maintain contingency plans to depart Sudan in the event of an emergency. Citizens should be advised that neither toilet paper or soap and water are provided in the public restrooms of the airport. Travelers should be prepared to bring their own and to be creative as to how to use it. Please note that there will be no running water with which to wash your hands (and yes, you have to wash your hands, that's unsanitary! Don't embarrass me in front of my friends!) be prepared to pay up to 5 Sudanese Pounds to utilize a bucket of what appears to have once been soapy water. The State department recommends you carry Costco sized hand sanitizer during travel.
Exhibit A
3. US citizens who are still undeterred and insist on using commercial air transportation (because you're too lazy to drive), please remember that the USG has issued sanctions on Sudan which pretty much ensures that my father-in-law (a certified airline mechanic with special equipment such as a screwdriver, nuts and bolts, and spare tires) has been nowhere near your plane to repair and/or inspect it. Rather, travelers should bring industrial duct tape in case you notice a crack or split in your general vicinity. This will be the one flight where you do not mock that they start their taxi on the runway with a prayer to Allah (you will join them). After the prayer, however, you will notice the following signs which have been included for your safety. We recommend travelers read carefully and follow all instructions from the crew which will be barked at you in Arabic, usually mumbled.
Do it! Damnitt!
Although the U.S. is still unclear as to the specific meaning of this warning label, we assess that Sudan does not like you to ask for a small King bed during flight. We recommend asking for either a twin or a full king.
4. The US Embassy is committed to assisting U.S. citizens to the extent possible, but not German's, Austrians, or Italians because your accent makes you sound angry and rude. In addition, the Embassy’s ability to assist is limited, and dependent on the mood of the Embassy official. Canadians should not even try (you know what you did) and our Marine Security Guards have been instructed to look for Molsen Stickers on your person. You cannot pass yourself off as an Icelander. Also, we don't like Icelanders either, but are not really sure why anymore.
6. Services for U.S. citizens are available by appointment only. Requests for an appointment may be made by e-mailing KhartoumConsular@state.gov, or by clicking on the link found on the following web page: http://sudan.usembassy.gov/service.html. Please be advised that the email address above is full and the link will likely not work. U.S. citizens may request emergency services at any time by calling the U.S. Embassy in Khartoum, but the ability of the U.S. Embassy or the Consulate General in Juba to assist U.S. citizens in an emergency is limited. Also, if Michel has the duty, she probably forgot to bring the phone home with her, so you will likely not get an answer. We recommend you call the British Embassy. They are too polite not to help you.
7. The U.S. Embassy is located at Sharia Ali Abdul Latif, Khartoum; tel. (249) 1-8701-6000. However, we may move into the new Embassy that was recently built at any given moment because we cannot seem to pick a firm date for the move. We recommend U.S. citizens drive around and locate what would appear to be a maximum security prison. This is likely the U.S. Embassy or my house.
Monday, February 22, 2010
I was Swimmin with the Fishes, Yo!
So on the off chance anyone actually noticed that I was gone, I thought I would have an excuse readily prepared. In fact, I have made the extra effort to actually GO somewhere and document said absence with photographic evidence. Yes,THAT'S how far I will go to get out of work - clearly, I consider pretty much anything that requires movement or my participation to be "work"....these days. Hey! We all gots our priorities. Don't judge me!
ANYWAY, we went to Port Sudan again this weekend, but this time we went DIVING! I gotta to tell you: IT ROCKED. If it weren't for the whole T"ravel Warning to Sudan" that the USG insists on putting out all the time, I would TOTALLY recommend you do this trip as well. However, since I'm technically still (unless they fired me today, can't really be sure yet) a USG employee, I'm (allegedly) not supposed to recommend you travel here.
(But I do, because it was totally cool. )
(But I DON'T, because that would be wrong!!)
(No, I totally do.)
(But with the caveat that the living conditions are "primitive" because Sudan has not discovered Egyptian cotton - which never ceases to amaze me because Egypt is their Next Door Neighbor...Ergo, scratchy sheets. Buyer beware. How's THAT for a useful Travel Warning!?)
Okay, so my point...."No Shit There I Was..." I know I have said that once or maybe 27 imes before, but this time I really WAS there (in the shit)! But for reals this time!
Seriously, there were HAMMERHEADS yo! Of course, I didn't get any pictures, because we're USG employees and are too poor to afford a REAL underwater camera; therefore, all my documentary evidence is above 30 feet and the hammerheads were not cooperative for my photo op.
However, did I mention? HAMMERHEADS! Are you listening here?? SHARKS! In water. Me. In Water. (It's got the makings of my book entitled "No Shit There I Was" written ALL over it!!) I was fearless (if by fearless you mean that I started to hyperventilate into my regulator and then proceeded to simultaneously hide behind Josh's tank while I pushed him toward the approaching sharks...)
(I mean...we barely know him right?? What's five years of marriage?? We're still in that "getting to know the "real" you (and finding a way to put the real you back in the box where you had it hidden for the last 4 years) stage...)
So, to make a long, convoluted story you probably didn't want to hear in the first place, I give you PHOTOGRAPHIC PROOF to excuse my absence:
Just a bunch o'coral reef pics..pretty much the only thing that turned out on the photos. We can just all agree that I do not have an alternate career in photography awaiting me....
Joe
other Joe
No. I don't know what this is either. At first I thought it was the reef shark we saw, but now I'm not so sure.....it might be a grouper. Or my missing slipper. Obviously, we can never be sure...
Believe it or not, this is a clam. Or was it something else. I wasn't really listening. But it would be waay cooler if this was a clam.
This fish (whom I named Joe) refused to pose for a picture. After 72 tries, I gave up on Joe's Jackassery.
Note to Self: Scuba gear is SERIOUSLY unflattering.
This was the wreck of the Umbria. Some Italian ship that sunk just before WWII. It was cool. Looks better up close....I swear I heard Celine Dion music playing down there.....
Joe's friend Joe-Jr, hanging out in one of the Umbria's stove pipe thingeys.
And Joe Sr. (Joe had a lotta friends in the Red Sea frankly....)
I'm not sure what the hell this is... I assume there was water....
ANYWAY, we went to Port Sudan again this weekend, but this time we went DIVING! I gotta to tell you: IT ROCKED. If it weren't for the whole T"ravel Warning to Sudan" that the USG insists on putting out all the time, I would TOTALLY recommend you do this trip as well. However, since I'm technically still (unless they fired me today, can't really be sure yet) a USG employee, I'm (allegedly) not supposed to recommend you travel here.
(But I do, because it was totally cool. )
(But I DON'T, because that would be wrong!!)
(No, I totally do.)
(But with the caveat that the living conditions are "primitive" because Sudan has not discovered Egyptian cotton - which never ceases to amaze me because Egypt is their Next Door Neighbor...Ergo, scratchy sheets. Buyer beware. How's THAT for a useful Travel Warning!?)
Okay, so my point...."No Shit There I Was..." I know I have said that once or maybe 27 imes before, but this time I really WAS there (in the shit)! But for reals this time!
Seriously, there were HAMMERHEADS yo! Of course, I didn't get any pictures, because we're USG employees and are too poor to afford a REAL underwater camera; therefore, all my documentary evidence is above 30 feet and the hammerheads were not cooperative for my photo op.
However, did I mention? HAMMERHEADS! Are you listening here?? SHARKS! In water. Me. In Water. (It's got the makings of my book entitled "No Shit There I Was" written ALL over it!!) I was fearless (if by fearless you mean that I started to hyperventilate into my regulator and then proceeded to simultaneously hide behind Josh's tank while I pushed him toward the approaching sharks...)
(I mean...we barely know him right?? What's five years of marriage?? We're still in that "getting to know the "real" you (and finding a way to put the real you back in the box where you had it hidden for the last 4 years) stage...)
So, to make a long, convoluted story you probably didn't want to hear in the first place, I give you PHOTOGRAPHIC PROOF to excuse my absence:
Just a bunch o'coral reef pics..pretty much the only thing that turned out on the photos. We can just all agree that I do not have an alternate career in photography awaiting me....
Joe
other Joe
No. I don't know what this is either. At first I thought it was the reef shark we saw, but now I'm not so sure.....it might be a grouper. Or my missing slipper. Obviously, we can never be sure...
Tippy boat... welcome seasickness...my sea name was vomitey-girl.
Believe it or not, this is a clam. Or was it something else. I wasn't really listening. But it would be waay cooler if this was a clam. 
This fish (whom I named Joe) refused to pose for a picture. After 72 tries, I gave up on Joe's Jackassery.
Note to Self: Scuba gear is SERIOUSLY unflattering. 
This was the wreck of the Umbria. Some Italian ship that sunk just before WWII. It was cool. Looks better up close....I swear I heard Celine Dion music playing down there.....
Joe's friend Joe-Jr, hanging out in one of the Umbria's stove pipe thingeys.
And Joe Sr. (Joe had a lotta friends in the Red Sea frankly....)
I'm not sure what the hell this is... I assume there was water....So there you have it. Photographic proof I was otherwise detained!!! Obviously, this means any of your absences will need to be excused as well. I'm sorry, but I don't make the rules (I just throw off the curve).
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Dear Anonymous,
I am in receipt of your comment (well, a lot of your comments actually) and would just like to request a clarification. Although I always thought I had somewhat of a good grasp of the English language (spoken and comprehension being ranked at least at a 2 level - writing at perhaps a 1+). However, although your links to facebook weather, your oh-so-entertaining blog, and various drug websites that will ultimately help me in my never-ending quest to self-medicate, I find that I cannot understand your most recent query you left on a recent post:
Genial dispatch and this fill someone in on helped me alot in my college assignement. Gratefulness you seeking your information.
Although I'm pretty sure most of those are actual English words, and I think I understand their individual meaning...when you put them all together, it's just kind of a big ole mess.
Therefore, as you neglected to allow me to respond to you via your email address, I thought I would seek clarification on your information from Gratefulness you on the genial dispatch that fill someone in on via this blog posting. Looking forward to your response and/or another recommendation for a new prescription drug.
Sincerely you habitual this grateful atonement,
Michel
Genial dispatch and this fill someone in on helped me alot in my college assignement. Gratefulness you seeking your information.
Although I'm pretty sure most of those are actual English words, and I think I understand their individual meaning...when you put them all together, it's just kind of a big ole mess.
Therefore, as you neglected to allow me to respond to you via your email address, I thought I would seek clarification on your information from Gratefulness you on the genial dispatch that fill someone in on via this blog posting. Looking forward to your response and/or another recommendation for a new prescription drug.
Sincerely you habitual this grateful atonement,
Michel
Have I Mentioned that I Hate People??
You know how you always see those random news stories on 60 Minutes or Dateline or some other boring show that is (mostly) not about me...and how they show these stories about that one lady in the neighborhood who kinda just sits at home, reading, watching TV, hoarding animals, until ONE DAY, the Humane Society shows up and condemns her house because it turns out 23 dogs is one too many?? And remember how those TV shows totally imply that that one lady is weird?
Well, to be honest, I'm totally considering applying to be that one lady....
I mean, I don't intend to get 23 dogs (because that is clearly unsanitary...my God Man! I used to leave the room (usually to get a snack, frankly) and leave Kernel unattended for circa twos of minutes and come back downstairs to find that Kernel had (a) de-stuffed and isolated the squeaker in at least 3 toys; (b) rearranged the couches in what appeared to be random fashion (almost as if he took a running leap on them and slid them across the room...) giving the room an "artless, I don't give a shit about aesthetics" ultra chic look; and (c) shed and drooled all over the hardwood floors, creating a slippery mass of hairball from newly placed couch to hallway...) HOWEVER (and this is just my own personal preference, I'm not advocating you limit yourselves in anyway - but please respect the 23 dog-max limit) I would get (no more than) 2 dogs....
Frankly, it sounds fabulous to sit at home all day, and read, watch TV, shun your neighbors, -- I'm assuming eating cake, cookies and donuts is implied. PLUS, I would totally not have to do my hair, find matching shoes (I hear you can wear tennis shoes with your skirts, slacks, jammies, if you so choose), etc. I would get out my trusty slippers, ensure that I had ample DVR space, an internet connection (in case you guys needed to know what I thought about something), and pizza hut, Little Debbie Snack Cake Manufacturers (for bulk orders), and/or dunkin donuts on speed dial.
Just think: I wouldn't have to talk to people....pretend to listen to what they have to say...make up excuses as to why I can't give them a visa...or EVER have to agree that their country is just as good as the USA (No Canada! You're not!! That's not bacon and I'm not going to talk about it again. Ever! You hosers.)
So, I'm just saying. After this tour in Khartoum, I'm considering my options for my next posting. Top of my list is employed, but essentially living on my couch. (I can't be unemployed! I have an Anthropologie, Ann Taylor and Amazon.com addition! I need help!)
Best part of this plan, however, is that I don't have to interact with other people, which I have currently isolated as the root of all my problems.
Think about it. (You know you totally want to do it too. However, you can't! BACK OFF BITCHES! this is my idea! Do your own work!)
Well, to be honest, I'm totally considering applying to be that one lady....
I mean, I don't intend to get 23 dogs (because that is clearly unsanitary...my God Man! I used to leave the room (usually to get a snack, frankly) and leave Kernel unattended for circa twos of minutes and come back downstairs to find that Kernel had (a) de-stuffed and isolated the squeaker in at least 3 toys; (b) rearranged the couches in what appeared to be random fashion (almost as if he took a running leap on them and slid them across the room...) giving the room an "artless, I don't give a shit about aesthetics" ultra chic look; and (c) shed and drooled all over the hardwood floors, creating a slippery mass of hairball from newly placed couch to hallway...) HOWEVER (and this is just my own personal preference, I'm not advocating you limit yourselves in anyway - but please respect the 23 dog-max limit) I would get (no more than) 2 dogs....
Frankly, it sounds fabulous to sit at home all day, and read, watch TV, shun your neighbors, -- I'm assuming eating cake, cookies and donuts is implied. PLUS, I would totally not have to do my hair, find matching shoes (I hear you can wear tennis shoes with your skirts, slacks, jammies, if you so choose), etc. I would get out my trusty slippers, ensure that I had ample DVR space, an internet connection (in case you guys needed to know what I thought about something), and pizza hut, Little Debbie Snack Cake Manufacturers (for bulk orders), and/or dunkin donuts on speed dial.
Just think: I wouldn't have to talk to people....pretend to listen to what they have to say...make up excuses as to why I can't give them a visa...or EVER have to agree that their country is just as good as the USA (No Canada! You're not!! That's not bacon and I'm not going to talk about it again. Ever! You hosers.)
So, I'm just saying. After this tour in Khartoum, I'm considering my options for my next posting. Top of my list is employed, but essentially living on my couch. (I can't be unemployed! I have an Anthropologie, Ann Taylor and Amazon.com addition! I need help!)
Best part of this plan, however, is that I don't have to interact with other people, which I have currently isolated as the root of all my problems.
Think about it. (You know you totally want to do it too. However, you can't! BACK OFF BITCHES! this is my idea! Do your own work!)
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Reason #2,342 Why I Might Not be as Cool as I Think I Am...or Why Josh is a Saint Yet Again...
Okay, so remember 2 weeks ago when I was all drunk that one night and telling Josh, "Hey! Next weekend is a three-day weekend for one of those holidays that we can never remember, like Martin Luther King or Columbus, but who we really, REALLY treasure because they ended up giving us a day off for whatever the hell it was that they DID and we should really look that up one day so we can actually treasure that shit for reals...but REMEMBER!! Next weekend is also Valentine's Day!! Don't be an ass and eff it up."
(I know! I am a total romantic when it comes to this holiday)
What?? You don't remember that?? Did I just say it to him, and a group of 7 people after I called him an ass again for something else he did?! I didn't actually write it??
Oh...well, then ...let me just take today and serve as your own personal Yoda...
Don't make a public ass out of yourself and then FORGET IT IS VALENTINE'S DAY because you got all drunk playing beer pong (and totally lost all that beer pong skill and undefeated status) and then woke up all hung over looking like shit while you lay on the couch watching re-runs of 30 Rock on DVD....
When your husband Josh (Who is now claiming to be a saint yet again) shows up with a hand-made card and a rather LARGE gift certificate to Jared Jewelers because he knows you're a total ass and won't like anything unless you pick it out your own self...so he gives you the gift of shopping....
(*sniff* *sniff* *SNORT*)
Well, I think we all know the lesson to be learned here. It is important to remember that Valentine's Day is not about the GIFTS, or the remembering of the GIFTS or the CARDs, it's more about the giving of the love....
...and sometimes the love-giving is best expressed when you're drunk and you're calling your hubby an ass in advance for forgetting the holiday that you will actually forget..which, in reality is totally charming and kinda your thing, and you're totally hoping that your thing is why your hubby chose to marry you in the first place.
Sigh.
All right. I'll say it: I'm an ass. And I forgot Valentine's Day. You are a saint.
However,
I do love you. I always will (unless and until you call me fat and then it's on mister...GAME ON!)
but for now...I totally love you...
(I know! I am a total romantic when it comes to this holiday)
What?? You don't remember that?? Did I just say it to him, and a group of 7 people after I called him an ass again for something else he did?! I didn't actually write it??
Oh...well, then ...let me just take today and serve as your own personal Yoda...
Don't make a public ass out of yourself and then FORGET IT IS VALENTINE'S DAY because you got all drunk playing beer pong (and totally lost all that beer pong skill and undefeated status) and then woke up all hung over looking like shit while you lay on the couch watching re-runs of 30 Rock on DVD....
When your husband Josh (Who is now claiming to be a saint yet again) shows up with a hand-made card and a rather LARGE gift certificate to Jared Jewelers because he knows you're a total ass and won't like anything unless you pick it out your own self...so he gives you the gift of shopping....
(*sniff* *sniff* *SNORT*)
Well, I think we all know the lesson to be learned here. It is important to remember that Valentine's Day is not about the GIFTS, or the remembering of the GIFTS or the CARDs, it's more about the giving of the love....
...and sometimes the love-giving is best expressed when you're drunk and you're calling your hubby an ass in advance for forgetting the holiday that you will actually forget..which, in reality is totally charming and kinda your thing, and you're totally hoping that your thing is why your hubby chose to marry you in the first place.
Sigh.
All right. I'll say it: I'm an ass. And I forgot Valentine's Day. You are a saint.
However,
I do love you. I always will (unless and until you call me fat and then it's on mister...GAME ON!)
but for now...I totally love you...
Thursday, February 11, 2010
And the Victims Keep Piling Up...
Well, technically, it is the same victim (me) - but there are now SERIOUS repercussions to this snow-day extravaganza that those lucky mo-fo's in DC are enjoying (except, apparently, those idiots who decided to have kids and didn't plan ahead to realize that kids can totally eff up a snow day if they're also at home. I'm just sayin...Boarding schools have a hidden charm during times like this...) What repercussions, you ask??
THE MAIL FAIRY IS TRAPPED IN DC!
So you know how when I get my mail and it's all exciting, right?? Well, it has come to my attention that the mail fairy is not technically a "fairy" and has to rely on the State Department pouch system to get me my mail from Dulles airport in Virgina....so if flights are cancelled, the fairy is useless. If the USG is closed, nobody goes to work to send my mail to me on the flights and the fairy is powerless.
YOU BASTARDS.
Plus, now that I have realized that the mail fairy is not actually a fairy...it's a little bit like that day when I realized that Santa Claus was not real....I remember it like it was yesterday (it was technically last Thursday, but it's still with me..it was that traumatic) because my parents told me "Santa is not real you ass! This is Jebus' birthday!" (Honestly, a little more finesse would have been better received there). If it is Jebus' birthday, where was the damn cake mom!?!? Plus, and this is where I air all my family's dirty secrets...my parents would make MINCEMEAT PIE and pretend like that was PIE.
WTF!?
That shit's not pie!? That shit (a) has MEAT in it; (b) has raisins aka dead grapes that nobody wanted; and (c) MEAT MOM!! MEAT!!!
HATEFUL!
So...my point is WHERE IS MY DAMN MAIL USG!?
Obviously, I need to go shop online so that when the mail fairy DOES decide to go back to work, she has something to bring me....ERGO, my online shopping is not my fault.
The USG made me do it.
THE MAIL FAIRY IS TRAPPED IN DC!
So you know how when I get my mail and it's all exciting, right?? Well, it has come to my attention that the mail fairy is not technically a "fairy" and has to rely on the State Department pouch system to get me my mail from Dulles airport in Virgina....so if flights are cancelled, the fairy is useless. If the USG is closed, nobody goes to work to send my mail to me on the flights and the fairy is powerless.
YOU BASTARDS.
Plus, now that I have realized that the mail fairy is not actually a fairy...it's a little bit like that day when I realized that Santa Claus was not real....I remember it like it was yesterday (it was technically last Thursday, but it's still with me..it was that traumatic) because my parents told me "Santa is not real you ass! This is Jebus' birthday!" (Honestly, a little more finesse would have been better received there). If it is Jebus' birthday, where was the damn cake mom!?!? Plus, and this is where I air all my family's dirty secrets...my parents would make MINCEMEAT PIE and pretend like that was PIE.
WTF!?
That shit's not pie!? That shit (a) has MEAT in it; (b) has raisins aka dead grapes that nobody wanted; and (c) MEAT MOM!! MEAT!!!
HATEFUL!
So...my point is WHERE IS MY DAMN MAIL USG!?
Obviously, I need to go shop online so that when the mail fairy DOES decide to go back to work, she has something to bring me....ERGO, my online shopping is not my fault.
The USG made me do it.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
The Unknown Victims of it All....
So Washington DC is on Snow Day Number 4 now (well, technically 3.5 but nobody hung out for the .5....we all know this! You're not fooling anyone USG employees) - four blessed days of non-working, free holiday bliss. Free Bliss provided to federal employees....but not ALL federal employees. There are some federal employees who have been forced to continue to pretend to work. Who have been forced to make polite conversation with their co-workers -- even though some of those co-workers are asshats! Apparently, we're not allowed to tell them this...however, I really think we have a duty to warn in this situation. I mean, seriously, I think some of them might not actually KNOW they are asshats. In fact, I am convinced that this one dude here thinks he is totally popular and that everyone thinks he's cool....we don't. (and when I say "we," naturally, I mean "me.") In fact, everytime I encounter him during the day, I want to punch him in the face -- but I don't -- because I'm seriously that good of a person.
So what I'm trying to tell you is that I'm A FEDERAL GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE. In fact, I have BEEN a federal government employee for so long now that the federal government is currently unable to fire me. It is UNPOSSIBLE. Back in the day, back when I was all motivated to make a difference -- back when I actually thought the federal government was a good thing -- some schmuck checked a box that said he recommends me for continued employment. SUCKAH! Ergo, I'm unfireable...(unless I turn to a life of crime and comit a felony..and even then I think the USG would likely offer me counseling and give me a job at the post office so I'm not all disgruntled and tell everyone how bad the USG honks. It's a huge secret. (FYI, we honk. Don't tell anyone).
HOWEVER, because I'm posted to Sudan and it is a chilly 108 degrees during the peak of the day (however, it DOES get down into the low 80s at night, I've got my flannel jammies on...Josh is a lucky man) I'm guessing that Sudan is not going to declare a snow day. (Although, Sudan is on the metric system. I'm not really sure what 108 converts to (it's a number that can never be known) so maybe we WILL get a snow day here). So I am MISSING out on the snow day largesse currently being enjoyed by thousands of federal employees.
It's an unspeakable outrage...and I'm not going to take it. (okay, well yes I am, but I obviously won't go quietely!)
So, I need you all to consider the real victims of this tragedy. The ones who are not currently located in DC, the ones who are sitting at their desk misuing USG computers to write this post (just kidding USG internet police! I'm at my damn house!) Consider those victims. Remember them today. Remember them as they continue to toil day in and day out, answering emails with "Oh, that's not me, you need to contact Katie in some other office that is not my office.." THOSE PEOPLE are the true victims of this tragedy. Don't believe the sob stories that CNN are showing you. CNN is not in Sudan to report the real story (they're always reporting on some stupid other issue here - something about elections and stability in the region..WHATEVER! BORING!)
Reach down into your hearts and start a letter campaign to the USG and DEMAND that they close the federal government EVERYWHERE! As a Nation, we simply cannot allow this blatant discrimination to continue!
Shame on you Obama!
So what I'm trying to tell you is that I'm A FEDERAL GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE. In fact, I have BEEN a federal government employee for so long now that the federal government is currently unable to fire me. It is UNPOSSIBLE. Back in the day, back when I was all motivated to make a difference -- back when I actually thought the federal government was a good thing -- some schmuck checked a box that said he recommends me for continued employment. SUCKAH! Ergo, I'm unfireable...(unless I turn to a life of crime and comit a felony..and even then I think the USG would likely offer me counseling and give me a job at the post office so I'm not all disgruntled and tell everyone how bad the USG honks. It's a huge secret. (FYI, we honk. Don't tell anyone).
HOWEVER, because I'm posted to Sudan and it is a chilly 108 degrees during the peak of the day (however, it DOES get down into the low 80s at night, I've got my flannel jammies on...Josh is a lucky man) I'm guessing that Sudan is not going to declare a snow day. (Although, Sudan is on the metric system. I'm not really sure what 108 converts to (it's a number that can never be known) so maybe we WILL get a snow day here). So I am MISSING out on the snow day largesse currently being enjoyed by thousands of federal employees.
It's an unspeakable outrage...and I'm not going to take it. (okay, well yes I am, but I obviously won't go quietely!)
So, I need you all to consider the real victims of this tragedy. The ones who are not currently located in DC, the ones who are sitting at their desk misuing USG computers to write this post (just kidding USG internet police! I'm at my damn house!) Consider those victims. Remember them today. Remember them as they continue to toil day in and day out, answering emails with "Oh, that's not me, you need to contact Katie in some other office that is not my office.." THOSE PEOPLE are the true victims of this tragedy. Don't believe the sob stories that CNN are showing you. CNN is not in Sudan to report the real story (they're always reporting on some stupid other issue here - something about elections and stability in the region..WHATEVER! BORING!)
Reach down into your hearts and start a letter campaign to the USG and DEMAND that they close the federal government EVERYWHERE! As a Nation, we simply cannot allow this blatant discrimination to continue!
Shame on you Obama!
Monday, February 8, 2010
And Then My Mommy Turned Against Me....
Let this be a warning to you all....if you don't call your parents (and then openly acknowledge on your blog that you have forogotten to call your parents for MONTHS) and then get distracted because the construction on the pool was finally finished at your house and you had to go outside and tan your white fat (because tan fat totally looks better than white fat DOOY! This is a well known fact) and then you realize that you've failed to do the metric sun conversion rate for Sudan (which is apparently less than 17 minutes of exposure time) and you now look like some sort of tanning bed addict because of your American Indian Lineage.....AND THEN YOU FORGET TO CALL YOUR PARENTS AGAIN....they're going to unleash the hounds.
Case in point: I received this extremely hurtful email from my mommy!
Dear Michel
Case in point: I received this extremely hurtful email from my mommy!
Dear Michel
It appears to me (and thanks to CNN and all other news media--it has been broadcast to the WHOLE WORLD) that you have again missed the coveted Snow Day!
Why would that happen, Bear? It is time to look at your life, girl! Something is clearly very wrong, because -------it would more precise (linguistically) to say that you have been DENIED the Snow Day. I mean, who could miss this blessing? Papa and I had two winters with snow days due to 5 feet of snow--but you get nothing!
The entre East Coast and especially DC at this present moment has over 2 1/2 feet of snow and not much hope of plowing out (Perhaps we should allow ear marks/piggies --er, pork for DC--so they can actually buy (or rent) a snow plow! But then that would require budget approvals and you know how that goes. Government is supposed to be by the people, and I guess that means government must get the people to personally shovel! By my best guess, this Snow Day will translate into a SNOW WEEK for everyone--except you.
Now I ask you, Bear, WHATEVER DID YOU DO?--
It must have been huge (and I do have some ideas on what that might be) because clearly you have really upset the Almighty! I mean, you not only missed a snow day, you find yourself in a place far from DC (location of said snow day) and even farther from SNOW (good planning, Bear) --and even if snow were to fall in Sudan, no one in your official places would ever bother to declare a snow day!
Good one.
The MomMa
I'm guessing there is not going to be a care package of Little Debbie Banana Moon Pies and Swiss Rolls winging my way anytime soon....I'm just guessing....
Maybe I should call my parents and make the hurting stop....
Friday, February 5, 2010
Et Tu Brute???
So I get this email from my Daddy, right?? And I'm all feeling guilty because I realize that I have not actually called my parents since .....carry the one......about Christmas....no wait...I might have missed Christmas...well, it's been a while now.... but in my defense, I have to use Skype, and then I have to actually TALK and think of things to say that are not sarcastic and bitter (which is quite difficult for me, you know...) and then (even worse) I'm apparently supposed to LISTEN to what they are saying to me...and sometimes its not about me, so my motivation to listen is impacted negatively. I mean, you know...it's a LOTTA work.
PLUS, when I'm on Skype making my call, I am technically on the internet. And you know how when you're on the internet there are always distractions....I mean, there are videos of a kitty fighting off a bear for God's sake. How am I supposed to continue to listen when a kitty is fighting off a bear! That's HUGE!
So then when I'm watching the kitty-bear extravaganza, I realize (once again) that I am on Skype and think...oh oh! perhaps I need to insert a "uh, huh...yes. indeed!" but then I notice that there is silence on the line...."SHIT! THEY KNOW!"
And I realize that my parents are also on Skype and are probably watching the video of the kitten riding the Roomba and attacking the pitbull (that shit was funny man!) HOWEVER, I digress...the fact that kitties make good internet video fun was not my point...my point was...that I was feeling all guilty because I've been a half-assed daughter (but for the record I do a half-assed job at work too, it's not personal....I'm just lazy!)
But then I get to the end of the email and I read this statement:
"Josh keep her away from the little debbies, it is for her own good."
*GASP* My own daddy! So now, I'm on an emotional roller coaster of Betrayal, disappointment, and disillusionment. I mean....MY GOD DADDY! How COULD you!?
So then (as if that were not bad enough), he ends the email with:
God Bless and Keep you both,
Love and Prayers
Mom and Dad
Hello! Mockery much?? I'm sooo telling God, Daddy! In fact, I don't think I even have to do so....He knows what you did.
"Thou Shalt Not Mock the Little Debbie" It's right in there...I think it's commandment number 8 or something, the one people forget because they're all "did he really mean that I can't think Mr. Jennings is hot, I mean...Yeah, he's my neighbor's husband and all, but I have eyes man..." so people usually miss it.
But it's there. Trust me. It's there.
PLUS, when I'm on Skype making my call, I am technically on the internet. And you know how when you're on the internet there are always distractions....I mean, there are videos of a kitty fighting off a bear for God's sake. How am I supposed to continue to listen when a kitty is fighting off a bear! That's HUGE!
So then when I'm watching the kitty-bear extravaganza, I realize (once again) that I am on Skype and think...oh oh! perhaps I need to insert a "uh, huh...yes. indeed!" but then I notice that there is silence on the line...."SHIT! THEY KNOW!"
And I realize that my parents are also on Skype and are probably watching the video of the kitten riding the Roomba and attacking the pitbull (that shit was funny man!) HOWEVER, I digress...the fact that kitties make good internet video fun was not my point...my point was...that I was feeling all guilty because I've been a half-assed daughter (but for the record I do a half-assed job at work too, it's not personal....I'm just lazy!)
But then I get to the end of the email and I read this statement:
"Josh keep her away from the little debbies, it is for her own good."
*GASP* My own daddy! So now, I'm on an emotional roller coaster of Betrayal, disappointment, and disillusionment. I mean....MY GOD DADDY! How COULD you!?
So then (as if that were not bad enough), he ends the email with:
God Bless and Keep you both,
Love and Prayers
Mom and Dad
Hello! Mockery much?? I'm sooo telling God, Daddy! In fact, I don't think I even have to do so....He knows what you did.
"Thou Shalt Not Mock the Little Debbie" It's right in there...I think it's commandment number 8 or something, the one people forget because they're all "did he really mean that I can't think Mr. Jennings is hot, I mean...Yeah, he's my neighbor's husband and all, but I have eyes man..." so people usually miss it.
But it's there. Trust me. It's there.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
My New Medical Diagnosis...Part 73
Okay, so now it's official....my laziness knows no bounds....I barely even blog anymore. My reason?? I'm sleepy. I'm tired. Or, as my husband like to say, I'm ill-disciplined and unmotivated. WTF man!? So I likes my sleep? Is that so wrong!?
Plus, I kinda think I caught Khartoum. The other day I was all vomitey and hurtey, but they still made me workey because I'm still poorey....So naturally I assumed I had spinal menengitis (because what else could it be!?) But then I remembered that I was on yet another "lose weight and be healthy kick" that included doing this workout video from that snotty biatch who trains Madonna and Gweneth Paltrow and she made me do what appeared to be 2,368 crunches with your hands behind your neck (which in Michel's exercise world means your neck is gonna hurt) -- SOOO, I figured that maybe it might not be menengitis.
Then I thought maybe it was a hangover...but then I remembered that you usually need to have had some alcohol the night before and, although I had a glass or 3 of wine, that shit's normal for me...PLUS, there is no way I'm going to get medevac'd from a hangover, so I totally threw that one out.
So then I diagnosed myself with cerebral malaria - because the Embassy was talking about it the other day - I didn't really listen to the symptoms or where I would have had to travel to get it, but assumed it came from mosquitos - and we totally have mosquitos here! So OBVIOUSLY, I have cerebral malaria.
Then the Embassy doctor asked me to please stop coming into his office and asking which diseases would get me sent home for medical care, and that "YOU WOULD KNOW if you had cerebral malaria, you would not be walking in to ask me if you might have the symptoms and to write down what those symptoms were" (Apparently, he wants me to do my own work, to look up my own symptoms before I demand a medevac....AND, APPARENTLY, he needs to work on his bedside manner...)
So then I just decided that I am going to have to name my own disease....ergo, I got Khartoum. Or Khartoum got me. Either way.
And THAT is why I'm too lazy to blog on a regular basis. (Plus, with Josh here, I'm currently living in a "Little Debbie Free Zone." I have suggested to O'Campo that Josh be indicted for crimes against humanity. I'm awaiting the results. However, I think we all know how this will end.....Obviously, he'll be convicted. That's just cruel and unusual....)
Plus, I kinda think I caught Khartoum. The other day I was all vomitey and hurtey, but they still made me workey because I'm still poorey....So naturally I assumed I had spinal menengitis (because what else could it be!?) But then I remembered that I was on yet another "lose weight and be healthy kick" that included doing this workout video from that snotty biatch who trains Madonna and Gweneth Paltrow and she made me do what appeared to be 2,368 crunches with your hands behind your neck (which in Michel's exercise world means your neck is gonna hurt) -- SOOO, I figured that maybe it might not be menengitis.
Then I thought maybe it was a hangover...but then I remembered that you usually need to have had some alcohol the night before and, although I had a glass or 3 of wine, that shit's normal for me...PLUS, there is no way I'm going to get medevac'd from a hangover, so I totally threw that one out.
So then I diagnosed myself with cerebral malaria - because the Embassy was talking about it the other day - I didn't really listen to the symptoms or where I would have had to travel to get it, but assumed it came from mosquitos - and we totally have mosquitos here! So OBVIOUSLY, I have cerebral malaria.
Then the Embassy doctor asked me to please stop coming into his office and asking which diseases would get me sent home for medical care, and that "YOU WOULD KNOW if you had cerebral malaria, you would not be walking in to ask me if you might have the symptoms and to write down what those symptoms were" (Apparently, he wants me to do my own work, to look up my own symptoms before I demand a medevac....AND, APPARENTLY, he needs to work on his bedside manner...)
So then I just decided that I am going to have to name my own disease....ergo, I got Khartoum. Or Khartoum got me. Either way.
And THAT is why I'm too lazy to blog on a regular basis. (Plus, with Josh here, I'm currently living in a "Little Debbie Free Zone." I have suggested to O'Campo that Josh be indicted for crimes against humanity. I'm awaiting the results. However, I think we all know how this will end.....Obviously, he'll be convicted. That's just cruel and unusual....)
Monday, February 1, 2010
How Did I Get Here....or How I Conned the Gov into Hiring Me for this Creepy Job....
Many of you (okay, one of you) asked me how I came to join the Foreign Service and live in all these exotic places and travel around the world -- because I'm totally glamorous and go to these ritzy locales on a regular basis. ...
To lie...Or not to lie....that is the question.
On the one hand, I could weave this elaborate tale about how I showed up in DC and noticed a gentleman at the Ritz Carlton enjoying high tea at the tea room. He seemed well dressed and worldly (the well dressed, being the most important part, obviously)....so I asked him where I could find an Ann Taylor outlet in Virginia. After he gave me directions, he said, "hey! You look like you might know the difference between a noun and a verb...have you ever heard of the State Department?" Naturally, I said, "Sure, what state?" He laughed, paid for my tea, or it might have been a martini - actually, more likely a martini, tea is for sissies or British people -- and then he said, "I like you. You should be a diplomat. You have a gift, and by "gift" I mean can walk upright and maybe chew gum at the same time....maybe...you don't have to, but if you did, that would be awesome!"
So then I had my job.
Or, I could tell you the truth that I moved to DC from Montana because I wanted to find a job that offered both retirement AND health insurance. I had a "list" in my head of what job's I wanted, none of which I was qualified to do...so I threw out that list, took some menial jobs as a nanny, a temp editor, I might have been a waitress too, and tried to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up....so I applied for jobs and was told I was "purely decorative, no skills (sexual harassment laws weren't so up to snuff then)...and then I met someone at a dinner party who told me about the foreign service exam, so I took it, (which I am still not sure how the hell I passed) and viola...my scores were SO HIGH, they said I was totally suited to the foreign service. They asked me what languages I studied, I told them I took Spanish in High School and College and was mildly proficient in English, so they decided I should go to the middle east...so I showed up at the office, and they realized that Spanish is not Arabic..
And they sent me to Peshawar, Pakistan (I can only assume because nobody else would go).
Granted, in today's economy I fully realize how lucky I am to have a job that STILL has a retirement, health insurance and (the added bonus) of not being able to fire me anytime soon. Believe me, I treasure not being fired or given the pink slip -- and even though I threaten on a daily basis to storm off in a huff, I won't....
But only because I realize I'm STILL not qualified for a real job....
To lie...Or not to lie....that is the question.
On the one hand, I could weave this elaborate tale about how I showed up in DC and noticed a gentleman at the Ritz Carlton enjoying high tea at the tea room. He seemed well dressed and worldly (the well dressed, being the most important part, obviously)....so I asked him where I could find an Ann Taylor outlet in Virginia. After he gave me directions, he said, "hey! You look like you might know the difference between a noun and a verb...have you ever heard of the State Department?" Naturally, I said, "Sure, what state?" He laughed, paid for my tea, or it might have been a martini - actually, more likely a martini, tea is for sissies or British people -- and then he said, "I like you. You should be a diplomat. You have a gift, and by "gift" I mean can walk upright and maybe chew gum at the same time....maybe...you don't have to, but if you did, that would be awesome!"
So then I had my job.
Or, I could tell you the truth that I moved to DC from Montana because I wanted to find a job that offered both retirement AND health insurance. I had a "list" in my head of what job's I wanted, none of which I was qualified to do...so I threw out that list, took some menial jobs as a nanny, a temp editor, I might have been a waitress too, and tried to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up....so I applied for jobs and was told I was "purely decorative, no skills (sexual harassment laws weren't so up to snuff then)...and then I met someone at a dinner party who told me about the foreign service exam, so I took it, (which I am still not sure how the hell I passed) and viola...my scores were SO HIGH, they said I was totally suited to the foreign service. They asked me what languages I studied, I told them I took Spanish in High School and College and was mildly proficient in English, so they decided I should go to the middle east...so I showed up at the office, and they realized that Spanish is not Arabic..
And they sent me to Peshawar, Pakistan (I can only assume because nobody else would go).
Granted, in today's economy I fully realize how lucky I am to have a job that STILL has a retirement, health insurance and (the added bonus) of not being able to fire me anytime soon. Believe me, I treasure not being fired or given the pink slip -- and even though I threaten on a daily basis to storm off in a huff, I won't....
But only because I realize I'm STILL not qualified for a real job....
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