Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Oh Sweet Jebus!!!

A number of people in the office have "encouraged" me to sign up for one of those online services that match you with a compatible person.   I've literally now met three people who have married their online match.

So I went to the website. It told me I had to fill out this really long personality profile.
So I logged off the internet and went downstairs and watched Glee.  Whatever, I'm pretty sure I can meet someone during one of my fits of road rage.  It'll be fine.

My co-workers pointed out that I am not at my best at 0500 in morning traffic.  So I went back online and filled out my personality profile.  It told me I was 12% done and it wanted me to list my "passions..."  So I listed how I'm "passionate about how I tend to hate other drivers.  It told me to list some facts about what I wanted my potential matches to know about me.  (Obviously, they didn't read my personality profile!!)

So I wrote about how I currently have 5 cats, 4 dogs, a parrot and 12 chickens in my home in Ashtuky, northern virginia and how I have been offered an exciting opportunity to interview for a television appearance on the show Animal Hoarders!!!

It told me I was 23% done.  

WTF!?  This is worse than the damn foreign service exam!  So I logged off and went downstairs to watch the Biggest Loser (God that show is addicting!  The really sad part is that I always want a snack when I watch it!! Is that wrong?)

The worker nazis sent me back to the website to "just finish it already!" and it was suggested that I not be flippant because not everyone will "get me'  --  So I added JUST KIDDING! to it.  Then it made me attach photos.  Note to self: hire someone to be my photo double.   This shit's humiliating.

So I hunkered down and after a mere 5 hours later, I was up and running and was delivered my matches!!  I KNOW! RIGHT!?!  It's very exciting!!! These people were hand selected by a random computer to be totally in line with my personality. 

(Do you think it matters that I put down that I really loved helping others and was actively involved in the community, a people person who is also actively involved in environmental conservation??? --   Well, I DID watch that one NatGeo special where the polar bear was swimming trying to find another piece of ice and the narrator told me that I was killing the polar bears which made me feel really bad - so I always make sure I turn the lights off now.  That counts.  Right?)

SO ANYWAY, I open up my first match....says the dude is from Leesburg, VA (which is not that far!! So I'm all...hey! I could potentially think about one day traveling to leesburg...One problem though:  the guy's picture is a LITTLE bit scary.  He kinda has this creepy smile and he's all leaning to one side. BUT, (because I'm such a good person) I tell myself not to just judge by the photo....and I scroll down....

Basic Information
Occupation: Circus Clown
Age 45
Height 5' 11"
Wants Kids: Yes
Kids at Home: Yes     
 I typically spend my leisure time:  Getting naked and taking deep, calming breaths.


So now I'm spending MY DAMN LEISURE TIME taking deep calming breaths and freaked out that the damn clown is going to find me!!!!
SERIOUSLY!?   A clown -- who everybody knows is a godless killing machine -- is my perfect match??? That's my option?!   

I'm TERRIFIED of effin clowns!!!  -- It's probably because they tend to kill people - random people - people who don't even want to see any clowns.  I'm pretty sure a clown killed my neighbor when I was young.  Although she might have moved to Iowa, but I never heard from her again; obviously clowns got her.

I'm going to rethink my initial 5 cats, 8 dogs and 12 chickens option.  It seems better somehow.


Empress Bee (of the high sea) said...

try telling them you don't litter (usually). that'll get 'em interested! and what about pizza toppings? you could find you soul mate that way i bet! good luck!

smiles, bee

Mike said...

I really am out of the loop. Dating??

Carrieann said...

Oh boy. I've been online dating for a little over a year, and it has been a roller coaster. I've met some really good guys, but I've met the clowns, too. Pardon the pun.

Ralph Thayer said...


Amanda said...

I missed you!

Fragrant Liar said...

OMFG. And I mean that.

I was on Plenty of Fish, and just before I said "screw this!" for the 455th time, I came upon a sweet hottie boy, with whom I now spend a lotta time. No telling if it will "work" or not, but I'm having fun, and he is sort of a clown. So, maybe clowns aren't so bad, is what I'm saying. Unless he leans to the right.

Anonymous said...

Oh my hell- don't you remember when I had to do match? please don't do the service you are doing- eharmony. I told them fuckers that it was important to me that my matches were a)taller than me -I'm 5-11, b) attractive, c)successful.

THey sent me short men who lived with their moms...and I'm serious. Switch. Now. Match. It's much more fun.

Lauren said...

It's hard to imagine anything worse than being told your personality matches that of a clown. A CLOWN?!

Seriously, eHarmony is for stalkers. Leave it alone. BUT, The Onion has personals! And it's populated with funny, sarcastic people. It's worth a try (and takes seconds to sign up for, instead of hours).

(I confess to significant bias here, since I met my husband this way!) :)

And the good-old-fashioned methods of meeting people, like rear-ending hotties at stop signs or asking strangers at a park if they've seen your (supposedly lost, but in fact non-existent) dog still work, too, if the online world doesn't pan out!

Anonymous said...

so are the clowns recruiting for the pig farmers or the omish of Iowa ?

we felt your pain and laughed with each sentence

Jennifer Kley said...

I'm so over the match sites. I have known too many guys personally who were on there and they lied, lied, lied about who they REALLY were. Including the most minute of things such as height and weight. Two even owe(d) the IRS big money yet their profile made it sound like they were living well.

Heather said...

Forget men. Stick with cats.

Nice to have you back.

tera said...

Clowns. *shudder*

Anonymous said...

Oh my! I have no clue who you are, but I just laughed harder than I have in a long time--thank you!
Believe it or not, I came across your blog because I googled something about how to get over that awkward divorce phase. I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one who believes divorce (like Jr. High) is just one big awkward moment in life.
Also, I'm sure someone would (or will) argue that clowns need love just like the rest of us, but finding one on-line? Wow! That possibility just put my clown-phobia into overdrive. Honestly, doesn't even Ronald McDonald doesn't creep everyone out on some level? I think I'll stay away from on-line dating.
Seriously, thanks for making me laugh!