OMG! My Lie Came TRUE!

You know the old adage about where if you say something enough times that you start to believe it and then it comes true?? What? Is that just me?   Is that not an adage?  Wait.... Maybe I don't know what the hell an adage is....

ANYWAY, so I was spouting my "justifications" about how my clothes were all shrinking and how I wasn't getting fat, but it was actually society that was labeling me.  WELL, last night I received the new clothes I ordered in the mail.

Which reminds me....I started ordering crap strategically in stages so that I would ALWAYS be getting mail, but the stupid effin mail fairy has been holding everything and then giving me this big ole pile of boxes - which, at first, is all waaay cool because, I have a big ole pile o'boxes!   but then, it's not as cool because you realize you have to bring all those boxes into the house and carry them from the car while you dodge the dingos you thought were soooo adorable when they were babies and wondered what could possibly go wrong if you allowed them into the housing compound to just live in the yard. (Note to self: You are not dog whisperer.  You are not cut out to raise a pack of wild dingos.) SO THEN, after you open the first box and you're like, "Yaay! air fresheners! (listen people! Don't you judge me until you come here!  This place is effin stinky! You'd totally say that too!)  But then you're like..."oh, air fresheners...yeah..that's cool.  Smells nice."   SO you rip into the next box and you're like, "Yaay! thank you cards." then you come to your senses and you remember that you're lazy and don't like to write thank you cards and now you have no excuse NOT to write a thank you card. 

You realize you just might hate the mail fairy!  That bitch.

So anyway, my point -- where was I going with this?? Oh!  So I get a box from Ann Taylor, which is REALLY a "YAAY" and I go running upstairs to see what I ordered. (Actually, that is kinda a good thing.  It takes so long for shit to get here that you totally forget what you ordered so it is a big ole surprise when you get it and you're like, WOW! I really like this! Wonder who ordered it?!)

And then I try them on....They're all a little big. (but nobody panic, I'm sure they will shrink to unwearable size within four days.  I've decided I need to just order disposable clothes...)


SO the moral of this story (or adage) is that if you tell yourself (and others) a lie enough times, it will totally come true.

Feel free to pass that wisdom onto your kids. 

PS I'm totally rich and can quit this job.....

Uggh

As you may or may not recall, about a month and a half ago I was on this big ole kick where I was going to lose weight and exercise because Josh is going to be arriving here in Khartoum in November and I figured it would be nice if I were somewhat the same sized person I was when he left.  However, then I got to Sudan and was left unattended and there were some boxes of Little Debbie's that arrived here, then the water started to shrink my clothes, and the Sudanese shove your face with food because they think fat chicks are hot here, so they tell me I need to eat.  (I KNOW! You'd totally think I would appreciate this fact more, wouldn't you? Go figure!)

So now I have no idea whether or not I'm normal anymore because I've lost my frame of reference.  It's not like I can just go into Ann Taylor or some other store and try on clothes that I figure are my size (which will never be spoken aloud, thank you very much!) to see if they still fit!!

So then I spoke to Josh last night and was like..."Oh, you'll be here soon, that will be so great.  How much longer is it now?  Three? Four weeks??"

Turns out, (and this may shock you all) November is about 2 weeks away.  WTF!? When did this happen??

So now, since I can't really figure out what kind of damage I have done being unattended for the last 7 months or so, I just have to take a guess and assume I need to lose about 73 pounds in 2 weeks.  Or maybe it was 23?   With all these metric figures running around I have no idea what is needed. 

So this morning I got up to exercise, I put on my clothes, got out my stuff, started up the iPod playing so that I would be all entertained -- and then I decided I needed coffee.  So I made a pot of coffee -- because you can't just exercise when you're tired.  It's EARLY. 

So then as I was drinking my coffee I realized that I was supposed to make and bring garlic bread to the office today because we were having a going away lunch for a lady that was here temporarily working.  So I got out all the stuff to make bread.

Then I remembered that you have to let the bread rise for like 1-2 hours before you bake it for another 30 mins or more and that it was 0630. 

So then I put away all the stuff for bread and gathered up the stuff to make storebought bread into garlic bread and packed it for work. 

Then I remembered that I was supposed to be exercising

Then I looked at the clock and it was now 0730 (obviously bread math takes me longer than the normal person to do) and that I needed to get ready for work.

Then I remembered that I had not written and blog or read anyone's blogs for a full week now and felt really guilty...SO here I am at my computer in my exercise gear writing this blog about how I am not exercising.

SOOOOO, my point is...It is pretty much all YOUR fault that I am going to be fat when Josh arrives. 

Therefore, I'd really appreciate it if you would all write me a note to excuse my fattiness and remind Josh that he married me in Sickness and in Health (the sickness coming first to remind him that my inherent laziness is a sickness and needs medical help to cure me).

Thanks.  I really appreciate it. 

In return, I will try to be a better blogger. (I'm still lazy though.  See the whole blog above. I probably can't be trusted... DOOY!)

No, I'm Not Dead....

Thanks to everyone who sent me accusatory emails asking why I didn't bother to inform you all that I was dead - pointing out that it is RUDE to simply die and not tell people you planned to do so in advance.  I did, indeed, make a note of it. 

However, I am NOT dead.  I am brain dead, but that is a bit different.  As I think I mentioned, much like how it is USG holiday season, it is also National Day Season here in Khartoum.  Honestly, we have 3 months where it is one National Day after another and then a circa 5 month dry spell where you have to plan your own activities and potentially PAY for booze.  I find this to be an unspeakable outrage and should not be tolerated.   

Therefore, in order to avoid this in the future, I would like to ask a small favor of, say, South Korea, Spain and Saudi Arabia.  Would you please be a lamb and move your national Days to the months of March, May and June respectively?  I'd REALLY appreciate that.  You're not wedded to those days right?? It's not like it's the 4th of July or something like that! SOMETHING important.....because we can't move ours because it is an important day.  I'm not sure why you thought 04 October was so cool, but it will help me plan my weeks better and will ensure that I am not cranky if you could just move it. 

Thanks!  I think we can all agree that nobody wants me to be cranky.  It's just better for all involved.

ANYWAY, the reason why I have been out of touch is because I am now a single mom.  

Yes, you heard me.  I now have parenting responsibilities in addition to my regular "being the face of America" duties.  (You know, now that I put it like that, I realize that I should probably think about combing my hair on a regular basis..whatever...)

So meet our new babies!! I have found a for-sure home for one of them, and am looking for someone to take the other. 

Unfortunately, there was a third little baby who died this afternoon.  He was kinda deformed and wasn't eating.  I briefly considered taking him into work with me and making everyone in the office feed him with a eye dropper as part of their "other duties as assigned," but then I remembered that you're not allowed to bring your pets into the Embassy...so I devised this elaborate plan where I would make a little vest that said DEA on the outside and would tell everyone he was a bomb/drug dog, but then I realized that there aren't really that many bomb/drug sniffing dogs that are 3 days old. (there's always a catch, isn't there!)  But I still think I could have bluffed my way through this - I mean who really KNOWS about training bomb dogs...maybe smelly pirate ho mommy dogs can pass that info on the womb...they don't know!

Anyway, it was very sad for us - the local guards and I buried the baby and made a little marked grave for him in the housing compound (in the guy from USAID's yard, I'm sure he would want us to have that there...granted, he wasn't home, but still...) 

I feel awful, but I think it is better that I didn't try to save him - mostly because he would have ended up in my house as a pet and I think Josh would likely leave me.  (I've been given strict instructions not to adopt anymore strays.  However, define adopt...)   In my defense, however, meet my enabler:








 Smelly Pirate Ho Mommy-Dog....




LOOK AT THAT LITTLE FACE!?  You can't call her a whore and abandon her?!  SO, my new plan is to turn to a life of crime - but ORGANIZED crime so that I can make big money and then make an orphanage for stray pets....and maybe buy some shoes. (I like shoes too.)  And maybe some candy.

Damnitt!!  You know I'd totally squander all my ill gotten gains on candy and shoes and then the poor puppies would end up back on the street selling tricks for a piece of chicken.

I'm going to need to devise a plan B. 

Okay, So It Is Apparently NOT Appropriate In the Workplace...

Turns out, it is no longer cool to pour yourself a drink in the workplace during working hours - EVEN if you think it is a good idea and you think it will help you get through the rest of the day listening to your whiny co-workers and random people who call you on the phone and open with "I need a favor!"   I believe that starting with "Hello Michel.  How  are you?  This is blah blah" might help your chances of getting said favor (but likely won't.)

So after my atrocious day (and I'm really not even sure why  -- I just know I didn't like it) I looked up at my little post-it note I stuck to my computer that said, WWDDD? (what would Donald Draper Do?) and promptly realized that what I am MISSING is a drink!  A drink would make everything better - you know, take the edge off.....

So I went on a mission to find myself a drink.  First of all, Why in God's Name do we have PIMMS in the office??  Who let the British into our Embassy?? Plus, WTF IS that stuff?!  For the record, Donald Draper would NEVER drink PIMMS.  It even sounds sissy! (No offense pimms drinkers, well, technically you're sissy, but still...it's rude to say so.  I should only think that INSIDE not say it outside.)

And then I found it: SCOTCH.  Not just any scotch, but a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue Label that I forgot I bought for my hubby when I was bored at Duty Free in Dubai and couldn't figure out the conversion rate so I just figured it was a good deal because it was free of duty.  God only knows how much duty adds to a product.  Obviously, the conditions were perfect for the purchase. 

So I found a little glass (of course, it was a juice glass - so it kinda ruined the whole Donald Draper effect) and I poured myself a scotch rocks and after my co-workers confirmed that yes, I was having a drink...yes, I knew it was only 4 pm and yes, I can and will have this drink while I am sitting at my desk in a non-happy hour situation - I took a big ole swig! 

That shit is NOT yummy!

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH DONALD DRAPER!?  I'm considering breaking up with him and no longer telling everyone he is my boyfriend.  But then I remembered: that was Josh's scotch!

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH JOSH!? 

I wonder what Pimms tastes like...

Oh Oh...

So remember back in the day, when I posted the pictures of the rains and the floods in Sudan? When I was searching for materials and instructions to build an ark?? Remember also how the doctor told me to take malaria medication, but then I was all "I don't need that shit! It's a desert!" But then I got bit by a mosquito so then I assumed I was going to die, so then I immediately bought those Off! Wipes?? But then I lived, so I promptly forgot to use them?

Remember that?? (NO!? Pay attention!! I shouldn't have to say this shit twice - although, technically I probably repeat myself four or five times because I forget who I told what because I don't even listen to me...)

ANYWAY, today the Embassy doc was briefing everyone on the multiple cases of cerebral malaria here in Khartoum after those damn rains!  WTF!?!?  Apparently, we were supposed to be taking the malaria medication more than once.  SOMEONE REALLY NEEDS TO TELL US THIS SHIT (more than once).

So anyway, after my rounds of National Days (which still haven't ended, fyi) I noticed that I have approximately 72 mosquito bites on my ankles and feet (stupid sandals!)   I can only assume I will be dead within the week.  WHY? Because the stupid nurse handed us a hand out (WHY won't they learn that I cannot be given documentation about shit!?)  that said that the symptoms of cerebral malaria are:  

(1) impaired consciousness with non-specific fever; (2) generalized convulsions and neurological sequelae; and (3) coma that persists for 24-72 hours, initially rousable and then unrousable.

Seriously! I think I might have impaired consciousness with non-specific fever.  I'm sleepy, I'm hot...and although I'm not sure exactly what it IS, but I'm almost positive I have a sequelae!!!   

What the hell does that mean?!?!

Goodbye cruel world.  But just for the record you should know that I'm going to be SERIOUSLY PISSED if I die in Khartoum and I'm all crabby and sleepy from these national days.   

Make no mistake, the malaria may get me, but I'm gonna haunt your asses!!!

Damn You Mad Men!!

So I'm sitting here in Khartoum, minding my own business (as naturally I would) when I am offered the first season of Mad Men on DVD to watch in my copious spare time.  Now, granted, from looking at the front of the DVD box, it frankly didn't look that interesting.  However, because I'm not a judger, I decided to try it out.

Obviously, I'm now pissed at my mother.  CLEARLY, they had it sooo much better back in the day when women didn't have to work - when their hubbies wore suits and they sat around in their pjs (even answering the door) until just before their spouse came home - if they even came home at all.

MY GOD! Those were the good ole days.  What the hell were you thinking MOTHER!? Now look what you've done!?!?!  Now I have to try to con Josh into LETTING me stay home and not work.  I have to give a REASON if I intend to stay in my pjs all day. (not really, but I sometimes feel like I should at least give a "Screw you! I can do what I want" speech...)

I'm also kinda pissed that we don't drink and smoke all day.

Seriously! Drinking and smoking are sooo cool! Why the hell did we ever stop??  I really feel like my work would be much more "enhanced" and "creative" if I could just start drinking martinis at 10 am.  And, I kinda think it would reduce a lot of the stress in the workplace.  I might even work overtime without bitching!  (Probably not though, let's not push it!)

Plus, if you think about it, nothing really says "job well done" like a nice slap on the ass.   It's like I always say, It's only sexual harassment if you're unattractive.  Otherwise, it's just flirting.

People just don't care as much these days....It's a crying shame!

You'd Think They'd At Least Get a DJ...

My God! I truly hate, HATE, HATE National Day Events!!  Right now, they're in in full swing here in Khartoum.  Every other night I'm at some other location walking around a reception making small talk with people I never really want to talk to....it's nothing but men in dresses and juice, as far as the eye can see. 

PLUS, those men in their dresses?  They never want to talk to me - all giving me the stink-eye because, I can only assume, they think I have cooties.  OR, more likely because they know I simply cannot resist asking about their dresses and then end up pointing out that their dress is not really flattering and that they kinda look like they just showed up in their jammies for this event.  Not that I blame them, mind you.  They might be onto something here.  In fact, to save time, I may wear my jammies to the South Korean National Day tonight.  I bet I could gets me an extra 30 minutes of valuable sleep time!

Maybe I shouldn't mock it until I try it!?!?!

However, as my next public service to foreigners who wear the jammies - or Jalabiyah's as is your formal name for it - I feel like I must point out to you that, when you stand outside in direct sunlight, your lightweight, shapless dress is SEE THROUGH! 

WTF MAN!?!?!

I do NOT want to see that shit while I'm driving to work. I'm just sayin', you really should think about wearing a slip with that shit!   I think you can find some pretty reasonable prices for slips at jcpenny.com   Think about it.

Also, in keeping with my public service message theme this am, I feel like I should point out that NOBODY LIKES THAT JUICE!  It's warm, it's thick, and it's sickly sweet.  Also, grown men and women do not drink orange soda.

That's all I have for today.  Once again, you are very welcome!!!!