So you know how everyone knows you have to do your taxes by April 15th, right?? (Well, if you're American. If you're not...you don't know..shut up. It's bad, yo.) Well, THAT is untrue...not everyone knows this...some of us forget that we still have to pay taxes because some of us don't like to open mail unless it is from Ann Taylor or Anthropologie.
Anyway, so I was gently reminded when our friends ran into the Embassy all happy-schnappy that they were getting $4000 dollars back from The Man, and isn't that wonderful?? blah....blah blah....So I decided I should probably do my own taxes (and maybe Josh's too) -- ALTHOUGH, for the record, I would like to state that I have NEVER, in my ENTIRE LIFE, indicated that I had any ability to do math, finances or to actually give anything up for Lent like you're supposed to -- I tend to give up things like Paprika or lima beans -- AND I am inevitably surprised by the arrival of Lent (I really think the Christian Right has failed in its duty to publicize the Easter-Lent season. Would it kill them to run some commercials suggesting what we should up for Lent?? Also, I think it would be helpful to remind Catholics that it is Friday....so I don't order a damn cheeseburger and find out when I get home that it's not only Lent, but it's FRIDAY...) Anyway, needless to say, without people wandering around with ash crosses on their foreheads to notify me that I need to remember to be a better person until the bunny arrives and gives you a chocolate bunny and Cadbury Egg as a reward for your attempt at holiness over the last couple of months...I pretty much missed the whole damn thing. CNN had to tell me it was holy week.
That's probably not good. Nobody tell my mom....
So back to my point - taxes!!! I totally sat down and did my taxes, I filled out the forms and even tried to figure out what the hell they were asking me... and then I came to the end...
TURBOTAX pretty much just robbed me at gunpoint, stabbed me in the face, and THEN had the nerve to tell me that they have found multiple errors on my return and would not stand by me if the IRS decided to audit my submission. Then, if that wasn't rude enough, it told me that I OWED the man $10,000.00.
EFF U TURBOTAX!
THAT IS NOT A TYPO....$10K....in addition to the taxes I already paid to The Man, the amount of which he already stole from me that was more than The Man paid me for the entire first year I worked for him....because I totally effin WORK for The Man and he still punched me in the face!!! -- I got that Man coffee and a damn microwave. I'm totally not letting him use my milk. HE can use the damn Coffee Mate.
Does anyone else think that is punitive?? W...T...F...???!?!?! Not only did I NOT succumb to my daily dream of running the other drivers off the road on my way to work, I also did NOT kill even one of my colleagues at the Embassy -- and frankly, a few of them had it coming. NOBODY should be allowed to over-pronounce their words and then throw in flamboyant accents when they say foreign words and live to over-enunciate another day!!
FURTHER, I am in SUDAN..I should totally get a pass because I've been here LONGER than a year and have not caused even ONE -- okay, less than TEN....TWENTY....international incidents...OKAY, so the actual NUMBER of incidents I may or may not have caused does not really matter here -- it's that the Embassy has not been kicked out of the country! I count that as a victory, frankly. Plus, I think I should be able to list that as a tax credit. If you think about it, I'm SAVING the USG a lotta money here in moving expenses....if you think about it.....(think harder).
SOO, after I showed Josh our return and told him to give me $10,000, he pointed out that maybe I don't know what the hell I'm doing... and, after the Turbotax online consultant asked me not to return last year, that maybe we should consider asking a professional to do our taxes.
WHATEVER JOSH...you don't know! Don't tell me nobody else thinks it's fishy that The Man taxes you on the taxes you already paid to him last year.... That shit's just wrong. I don't want any part of it!!
So...I was thinking....(and this is where it gets a little bits awkward...) I'm probably going to have to flee to Canada to avoid my US tax liability. Now I realize I might have previously said some things about Canada and judged them unfairly (no I didn't. You totally know what you did.) However, I've also totally stereotyped Canadians as bleeding hearts...THEREFORE, you guys won't EVER be able to turn me away! ha HA SUCKAHS!!! I totally told you guys you'd regret your liberal immigration policies!
Anyway, after I flee to Canada I'm going to need you guys to send me some actual bacon. I won't be able to survive yet another year in a non-bacon environment.
I know you guys won't let me down....nobody should be forced to live without bacon. Friends don't let friends buy Canadian bacon.
Sometimes? I'm Judgmental. Also, Seattle!
3 hours ago