Thursday, April 1, 2010

HOLY CRAP!!!!! This is Totally Going to be a Bit Awkward....

So you know how everyone knows  you have to do your taxes by April 15th, right??  (Well, if you're American.  If you're not...you don't know..shut up.  It's bad, yo.)  Well, THAT is untrue...not everyone knows this...some of us forget that we still have to pay taxes because some of us don't like to open mail unless it is from Ann Taylor or Anthropologie. 

Anyway, so I was gently reminded when our friends ran into the Embassy all happy-schnappy that they were getting $4000 dollars back from The Man, and isn't that wonderful?? blah....blah blah....So I decided I should probably do my own taxes (and maybe Josh's too) -- ALTHOUGH, for the record, I would like to state that I have NEVER, in my ENTIRE LIFE, indicated that I had any ability to do math, finances or to actually give anything up for Lent like you're supposed to -- I tend to give up things like Paprika or lima beans -- AND I am inevitably surprised by the arrival of Lent (I really think the Christian Right has failed in its duty to publicize the Easter-Lent season.  Would it kill them to run some commercials suggesting what we should up for Lent?? Also, I think it would be helpful to remind Catholics that it is Friday....so I don't order a damn cheeseburger and find out when I get home that it's not only Lent, but it's FRIDAY...)  Anyway, needless to say, without people wandering around with ash crosses on their foreheads to notify me that I need to remember to be a better person until the bunny arrives and gives you a chocolate bunny and Cadbury Egg as a reward for your attempt at  holiness over the last couple of months...I pretty much missed the whole damn thing.  CNN had to tell me it was holy week.

That's probably not good.  Nobody tell my mom....

So back to my point - taxes!!!  I totally sat down and did my taxes, I filled out the forms and even tried to figure out what the hell they were asking me... and then I came to the end...

TURBOTAX pretty much just robbed me at gunpoint, stabbed me in the face, and THEN had the nerve to tell me that they have found multiple errors  on my return and would not stand by me if the IRS decided to audit my submission.  Then, if that wasn't rude enough, it told me that I OWED the man $10,000.00.

EFF U TURBOTAX!

THAT IS NOT A TYPO....$10K....in addition to the taxes I already paid to The Man, the amount of which he already stole from me that was more than The Man paid me for the entire first year I worked for him....because I totally effin WORK for The Man and he still punched me in the face!!!  -- I got that Man coffee and a damn microwave.  I'm totally not letting him use my milk.  HE can use the damn Coffee Mate.

Does anyone else think that is punitive??   W...T...F...???!?!?!  Not only did I NOT succumb to my daily dream of running the other drivers off the road on my way to work, I also did NOT kill even one of my colleagues at the Embassy -- and frankly, a few of them had it coming.  NOBODY should be allowed to over-pronounce their words and then throw in flamboyant accents when they say foreign words and live to over-enunciate another day!!  

FURTHER, I am in SUDAN..I should totally get a pass because I've been here LONGER than a year and have not caused even ONE -- okay, less than TEN....TWENTY....international incidents...OKAY, so the actual NUMBER of incidents I may or may not have caused does not really matter here -- it's that the Embassy has not been kicked out of the country!  I count that as a victory, frankly.   Plus, I think I should be able to list that as a tax credit.  If you think about it, I'm SAVING the USG a lotta money here in moving expenses....if you think about it.....(think harder). 

SOO, after I showed Josh our return and told him to give me $10,000, he pointed out that maybe  I don't know what the hell I'm doing... and, after the Turbotax online consultant asked me not to return last year, that maybe we should consider asking a professional to do our taxes. 

WHATEVER JOSH...you don't know!  Don't tell me nobody else thinks it's fishy that The Man taxes  you on the taxes you already paid to him last year....  That shit's just wrong.  I don't want any part of it!!

So...I was thinking....(and this is where it gets a little bits awkward...) I'm probably going to have to flee to Canada to avoid my US tax liability.  Now I realize I might  have previously said some things about Canada and judged them unfairly (no I didn't.  You totally know what you did.)  However, I've also totally stereotyped Canadians as bleeding hearts...THEREFORE, you guys won't EVER be able to turn me away!  ha HA SUCKAHS!!!   I totally told you guys you'd regret your liberal immigration policies! 

You hosers!

Anyway, after I flee to Canada I'm going to need you guys to send me some actual bacon.  I won't be able to survive yet another year in a non-bacon environment. 

I know you guys won't let me down....nobody should be forced to live without bacon.  Friends don't let friends buy Canadian bacon.

18 comments:

Fragrant Liar said...

Holy what the hoozie? After ALL you've done for American diplomacy? The Man has the unmitigated nerve to TAX you? Why I oughtta . . .

You have indeed been hosed, madame, but I don't think you need to go so far as to relocate to Canada. That's awfully drastic. I mean, think of it. CANADA! You can never trust them, they're way too accepting! Don't. Do. It!! Think of the children.

*crickets*

Children that you may someday have, I mean.

Holly Renee said...

Oh yeah, I still gotta do my taxes. Keep forgetting. Crap. Crap on the man!

Travel & Dive Girl said...

As a Canadian (who wishes she wasn't), I'll hook you up with REAL bacon and NOT that Canadian shit either.

Captain Dumbass said...

Heh heh heh. Sadly, you won't avoid taxes here, but you will get health care. And I think Canadian bacon may be something we export so we can keep all the good bacon to ourselves.

Jaime said...

the man took a big bite out of our bank account this year. it sucks.

McGillicutty said...

um i like Canadian Bacon... but nothing beats good old English bacon.
the only thing that saved us this year was hubby's school... so why don't you go back to school, get yourself thousands of dollars of student loans but be able to pay them back with your refund.... it's all just swings and roundabouts but it's never worth running off to Canada.

One of The Guys said...

So do you owe the $10,000 or not?

I haven't eaten bacon in forever. In fact I forgot what bacon even is. And now all I can think about is bacon.

Damn, thanks for the reminder!

Off to eat some Easter Candy.

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

Heeeeyyyy!!! I love Canadian bacon. Not as much as American pork bacon but whatevs.

Lorna said...

Thank you for making your blog so much fun to read! And as one living in America, I WISH I could move to Canada. But not eat their bacon...

A Daring Adventure said...

It's Friday, and that means that the Seventh Weekly State Department Blog Roundup is up - and you're on it!

Here is the link:

http://bit.ly/cMOqdi

(If I quoted your text or used your photo(s) and you would rather I had not, please let me know. Please also be sure to check the link(s) that I put up to you, in order to verify that they work properly. If you would rather that I had not referenced you, and/or do not want me to reference you in the future, please also contact me.)

Thanks!

Liz said...

I feel your pain. In 2007 I owed $13,000 in taxes, all in one payment. Ugh.

Mami Wata said...

That sucks. Are you recently married? The first time you do your taxes as a married person usually results in a shock and awe experience like this. Ever consider Sudanese bacon?

blognut said...

Dude. I just did my taxes today, but I'm not hitting "send" because... ouch! and no fair!

We're packing now. We're going to take the money we owe (once we find it) and buy an island somewhere where no one will find us.

Do you think anyone will recognize me?

Connie said...

I agree with the automatic tax break for people like you, serving in places like you are... and I've never even been there. I'd give you the deduction.. but of course, they won't put me in charge of things like that. :p

Anonymous said...

holy shit 10,000 dollars did you claim zero on your taxes , wow you must of maded a shit load. did you right off the dogs? they are like kids and cost just as much. ( I thought if you don't live in county the money you make is tax free) the man fucked you and didn't even use K-Y. You should have given that up for lent. SEX that is....

speedcat said...

Totally feel your pain. I did the Turdo Tax (not a typo either) thing last year...hosed...this year I did, believe it or not, the IRS tax online thing, and my hose got smaller...better tho....and the Easter egg thing? That's another story. Love your rants. Just discovered you. You Rock... Ron (speedcat Live)

Jason, as himself said...

What? Turbo Tax has been my best friend at tax time for quite some time.

Hm. I guess you just make more money than I do. :)

Sirmelja said...

Stop, stop! I'm actually crying with laughter!! :-) Partly out of empathy because I too know what it is to be hosed by The Man!