Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Can You Guys Keep a Secret???

No?? Me neither. 

This is why I waited this long to tell you all....

They set my people free!!!!  No Shit, y'all! I'm coming back to DC after the elections in Sudan.  (If they delay these elections one more damn time, I'm going to freak out on their collective asses!)

ANYWAY, I will be headed back to DC soon...I would rather the Northern VA area not be notified of my impending arrival...I'm just sayin...some people might not be as excited for my return as I am.....I KNOW!  Unpossible!?  Right??  

Apparently, it's possible  WHO KNEW!?

So, in advance of my return, I thought it might be a good idea to actually list for you some reasons I am so very excited to return to America...the best country.  EVER.  I said EVER.  Write that down....  And maybe some cons that I may experience to prepare you for any subsequent blog postings...(Unless of course the State Department realizes I write this blog and tells me to shut it....oh yeah, it could happen. Apparently,  we're not supposed to acknowledge that foreign countries honk. I am guessing I might have let that slip....)

Pro:  There is an actual right of way that is acknowledged in traffic.  Street lights are not merely a suggestion for people who are not in a hurry and think they are importanty.  People in America realize that it is not appropriate to simply fill up the entire street if you plan to turn left, effectively blocking anyone else from using that road. In America, that is frowned upon....(and a cop will bust a cap is your ass if you try it.) 

Con:  I will have to obey traffic signals, speed limits, respect parking spaces and won't be able to just go around traffic whenever I feel like -- because I'm in a hurry man..and I think I am importanty.... I will no longer have an armored vehicle to protect me from aforementioned busting of cap in my ass....

Pro:  Eating vegetables will no longer be referred to as the "Suicide Option."

Con:  I will have no excuse not to eat more vegetables.  PS I'm still not eating lima beans.  Eff that.  Nobody should have to do that.  NOBODY.

Pro:  There will be actual "hot" and "cold" settings on your washing machine, rather than the  "hot" and "scalding hot lava" settings we enjoy in Khartoum.  Clothing will not shrink to Barbie size after washing. 

Con:  I will no longer be able to utilize the "it must have shrunk in the wash" excuse for why I can't fit in my damn pants.

Pro:  Pumpkin Spiced Latte

Con: Turns out Pumpkin Spiced Latte has more calories than I am supposed to consume in an entire day. 

Eff it!  I will be in America yo!  There is no possible downside!!!

Or is there??

23 comments:

Jill said...

You had me at 'free..."

I feel that same way now that we just curtailed from our post ... so that the kids and I can spend a year in California and my hubby can go off to Iraq for the year.

Seriously - when sending hubs off to a war zone and living with your in-laws for an unspecified amount of time is BETTER than staying at your current post - then it's time to effing go!

Have fun in DC. Lucky, lucky you...

A Daring Adventure said...

Yay!!! Congratulations!

Oh my goodness, you are Just. So. Funny!!!

An Open Heart said...

Yay for you! Whooo Hooooo! This is awesome.....FREE is good!

Yea, there's stuff here that can be complained about, but it still is the greatest country EVER.

AMERICA will be lucky to have you back.

S

flask said...

are you still going to be funny in america?

'coz if not, i'm kind of ambivalent about you coming home.

Suzy said...

Yay for you. And us.

Suzy said...

I see you got the old Photobucket error message. I got it last year. It means something on your blog belongs to someone who a has photobucket acct and has either run over their limit or quit photobucket.

Middle Aged Woman said...

I cannot believe you left out the most important PRO: SO much easier to find a surgeon to marry and retire with in the good ol' USA.

mo.stoneskin said...

Right guys, let's go to Khartoum, it should be safe now. And hey, don't worry about missing Pumpkin Spiced Lattes, we can enjoy Lima Bean Lattes instead.

Charlene said...

FSO's are always coming back but then about the time everything is unpacked or taken out of storage and put in, they're thinking about the next post.

So, where are you going next?

Linda said...

Congrats on your pending freedom! I can only imagine the dismay your Sudan coworkers must feel when they find out you are leaving them.

Fragrant Liar said...

Sit down, Michel. I have some bad news. Breathe deep. Okay, dear?

Pumpkin Spiced Lattes. They went out with Halloween. AMERICAN Halloween. Sorry, dude. You're going to have to enjoy an Americana on ice and then just pretend it has jack-o-lantern juice in it.

Hurray, you're coming to America! Somebody ought to make a movie about that.

Fragrant Liar said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Fragrant Liar said...

P.S.
How long you staying?

darsden said...

Totally Cool Beans & Congrats!

Jason, as himself said...

The downside? It is probably going to be much harder to gather such hysterical material. This stuff just throws itself in your way at every turn in Sudan. In Virginia? Probably not so much.

But you will still be funny. No doubt.

I am still laughing about the two washing machine temperature settings.

McGillicutty said...

it's gonna be hard to acclimate so you better start training now.
Don't go nuts with all the options you're afforded in this country, it leads to over procrastination and obesity... you have been warned.
congrats!!! and i have to say I have no doubt it doesn't matter where you are you're gonna be funny... why wouldn't you be????

blognut said...

Never mind what Fragrant Liar told you about the Pumpkin Spice Lattes. You don't need that shit anymore 'cause now they gots Dark Cherry Mocha at Starbucks and it makes Pumpkin Spice Lattes seem like motor oil. :) You gotta get you one of those!!!

AngryGirl said...

Sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings, but you will miss African Bureaucratic bullshit more than you imagine.

African jobsworths take it to a whole new level, and you will miss it. Speaking as someone who left Africa 11 years ago (but is going back for a holiday in 10 days!), they really are a very funny bunch!

I personally am looking forward to passport control whilst being in a wheelchair! Hilarity shall ensue!

But I am very pleased for you being parolled. Just don't stop your writing!

Captain Dumbass said...

I'm going to send you some Canadian bacon for a homecoming present.

City Livin' said...

I agree to ban lima beans, they are not my friend either

please check out and comment on my blog

http://cokebottledreamz.blogspot.com/

love and luck

Jen said...

Congrats on the homecoming! Please keep the funny stuff coming. Also, Blognut is spot-on, Dark Cherry Mochas rock...

tera said...

See what happens? I find something else to do for a couple days and WHAM-O: you get to come home!

Yea! :)

tera said...

Maybe you can substitute bacon vodka for lima beans. I have it on good authority they are the same-same.