Dear Starbucks,

I know you don't know me - well, maybe you might recall that I was in your store approximately 2,432 times over the course of my stay in the WDC area, demanding random things (and for the record those dark chocolate almonds dusted with sea salt ROCK. Well done my friends!!) However, that is not the purpose of my letter.

I am writing you a letter on behalf of my friend Blognut. She was recently the victim of identity theft. (I KNOW, scary right?! You can totally sympathize, right??) Imagine her horror when she realizes that someone masquerading as her wrote you a letter telling you that she wanted to break up for some silly, nonsensical reason. I wanted to ensure that you understood that she is the victim in this case, none of that was true, and she has since taken legal action to rectify her loss of identity.

She is horrified that you may have thought that it really was her who broke up with you guys and that she would do so for such a silly, petty, reason. I mean, its not like you DISCONTINUED the pumpkin spice latte or those fabulous frosted holiday sugar cookies you make (because that, my friends, would mean war). No, the letter was obviously fraudulent.

In the interim, I just wanted to send you a letter to ensure that you didn't happen to take offense at any of the silly statements in that letter, and if you did, to know that it was NOT in fact Blognut. I know that a kind and environmentally responsible company such as yourself would never deny Blognut the Pumpkin Spice Latte or other tasty holiday beverages. Of course not! That would be petty and small minded.

Starbucks you're just better than that.

Therefore, I would appreciate it if you could remove her photo from your barista's most hated list of those who should not be served, and allow her to return to your stores. In times like this, when someone has clearly been a victim to a crime, we should all bond together and build strong support networks.

As I know you will undoubtedly feel very bad for her plight, I just know that she would be amazed and humbled if you not only allowed her to return to your stores, but also gave her a free Grande Pumpkin Spice Latte (not the non-fat one, I'm sorry to tell you this, but that is NOT GOOD! Apparently, the fat is a necessary ingredient. Please make a note of that for my future ordering because I may be on one of my "kicks" where I think I will be healthy and want to lose weight - that's ridiculous. I'll just be miserable and take it out on your store. It's safer for all around if you just nod and give me the real deal....)

Your most loyal customer,
Michel

PS I, too, would appreciate a pumpkin spice latte. Please open a starbucks in the US Embassy in Khartoum -- well, I'd wait until the new Embassy they are building is finished. The old one smells funny. It would be hard to work under those conditions. I assume, however, that you will send out someone from Seattle to make my coffee until such time as you can open your store in the new Embassy???