Sunday, July 4, 2010

Where the Hell Have you Been!?!?!?

What do you mean, where the hell have I been?? I asked you first!!  PLUS, don't think I didn't notice that not a damn one of you chipped in and wrote this blog while I was out making the world safe for democracy (or watching all the TV I missed the entire year I was in Sudan...either way...)  NONE of you bothered to help me out! 

Helpful hint: Do you see what I did there?? I began with an accusation.  You see...I find that if you just walk in and start yelling and throwing out random accusations, people forget to ask me to explain myself.  Honestly, there's usually no explanation.  Trust me.  It's just better this way. 

So, it seems it is now July.  July 4th to be exact.  There is something about that date that I was supposed to remember...it's killing me.  Sounds sooo familiar.  Nevermind.  I'm sure it will come to me.

Anyway, I've started back to work after my vacation and I am actively making sure that freedom rings in this Kick-ass country....America, in case you were confused and thought maybe I liked your particular country that is not America.  I don't.  Your country honks.  Don't ask me to explain.  If you don't know...I am certainly not going to tell you... 

How do I do this you ask?? What is my contribution??

Apparently, I ensure that the precise gift that would be given by our fearless leaders to other (but likely more fearful) world leaders is PERFECT.   I continue to bolster the foundations of democracy so that it remains strong, apparently by ensuring that the appropriate gift wrap is used (Presidents don't like flowers or kittens) and that (**gasp**) no damn tape is showing.  (Obviously, the feds have never sent anyone to inspect the shit under my Christmas tree -- because I'm SERIOUSLY not qualified for that!)  Since I have returned, the focus of my life seems to be ensuring that random members of the world's monarchy are given a gift that is meaningful, but with no tacky scotch tape showing.  (Nothing says third world trailer park like tape just slapped on the outside of a present...) 

Ridiculous, right?? EXACTLY! That is what I thought too...however, apparently the State Department does not appreciate my opinions.

I guess I have also done some other things since I returned.  But I forget them now. 

And, they totally make me pretend to work here for the entire day too!  Which, frankly, is shocking!  For some reason, I had this vision of living in the USA as a utopia, where people don't actually care if I come to work, but would just pay me and be happy that I was back home.

They weren't. 

WTF America?? Land of the free my ass! Since I've been back, I've been charged for EVERYTHING.  In fact, that foreign lady in the cafeteria charged me 10 cents for a stupid cup of ice.  (I officially hate that lady and her ice-nazi ways!)

The real issue here is obvious though.  Josh won't let me be me...and the only way I can really be me, is if I didn't have to go to work and pretend to be that other me, the one who lied on her resume to get the job in the first place  -- I mean seriously, I don't have any hobbies or outside interests!!!  Why the hell would anyone believe I was a "soccer" and/or "martial arts" enthusiast?!?  If they fell for that, they're just dumb. 

  Suckahs!!!  I'm a federal "worker."  Clearly, God is teaching them a lesson right now...

15 comments:

otin said...

What I really want to know is where is my tee shirt!!?? LMAO!! Just kidding. Nice to see you!

Anonymous said...

Hello! As a fellow fed, I was starting to get worried that someone was making you work. I know I hate days like that. I am also aware of how much they disprove of fed on fed violence, so I have to actually do what they tell me instead of going all "kids in America" on their asses. It's awful!

But I get to retire in 15 years so I'm almost there!

Betty the Feddy (I like to say)

That one girl said...

Oh I missed you so!

Ummm, scotch tape isn't suppose to show? I thought I was doing good if I got paper to actually cover the damn present instead of cutting the paper too short like I ALWAYS do!

Captain Dumbass said...

I wish I was a federal worker.

Simon said...

I never realised that there was a character limit on replies!

Ah, this is only a very slight problem. I shall have to post my reply as my own blog entry later.

Yes, you sent me off on a HUGE synaptic tangent!

Simon said...

Right then, my reply is now a blog entry.

http://red1hols.blogspot.com/2010/07/in-awe-of-land-of-free.html

Before you say anything, I am not mad - I am just blessed with an alternate reality. Keep taking the dried frog pills!

Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

that danged foreign ice nazi probably pockets the dimes too! you just can't trust anyone that charges for ice i always say...

smiles, bee
xoxoxoxoxox

Fragrant Liar said...

I'm relieved you were not sucked into a diplomatic vortex, wrapped mummy-style with invisible tape, and spit out back in Sudan.

P.S.
What do you mean, living in the USA is not utopia?

McGillicutty said...

Ahhh Haaaa I see you got my email. i was really worried that being in the States gave you no blogger fodder.

and yes 10 cents for ice is freakin' day light robbery.

Welcome back!!!!

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joven said...

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joven said...

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Jason, as himself said...

Oh how I've missed you!!! I love that you said "your country honks" and "Land of the free my ass!"

Please don't leave me like that ever again.

EJ said...

Gift-wrapping tip from "someone who should know": Double-Sided Tape. Don't leave home without it.

Mom in High Heels said...

Wait, wait, wait. Federal employees actually WORK? Shut the hell up. All they do here (on a military base in Germany) is take perpetual smoke/snack/lunch/coffee/interwebs breaks and complain about how hard they are working to anyone who will listen. Which sadly happens to be all the poor people who are waiting for them to get off their perpetual smoke/snack/lunch/coffee/interwebs break.