Wednesday, May 26, 2010

I'm Sorry...It's WHAT Day???

Ummm.... it has come to my attention that I am going to have to go back to work next week.  WTF....NEXT WEEK!?  I thought I was going to have a LONG vacation?? What happened to my long vacation???

I had a big long list of shit I wanted to do while I was on vacation and -- ahem -- let's just say I didn't get to a few of them:

  • Write Thank You notes to everyone who sent me crap while we were in Khartoum (and I was using the "we can't send mail out from Khartoum" excuse)  WHAT!?  You don't know that's not true!?  Well, technically I could have sent LETTER mail, but I didn't have any damn stamps!  Stop judging me!!!   GEEZ Judgey McJuderson!  Lay off!  I was going to do it, but now I can't really remember who sent me what, or pretty much anything about Khartoum in's all a blur...not my fault.
  •   Brush up on my French -- or, as I like to call it: Learn it (again).
  • Teach Dillon Obedience.  Not really sure why I even bothered to write that one down.  I think we all know that Dillon can have whatever he wants, whenever he wants it.  The boy pretty much has me trained...(although I'm not sure he's feeling comfortable in his new home.  It's like he needs to find a place of his own -- where he can stretch out and just relax.  I should buy him his own couch...He really shouldn't have to share with Josh. 
  • Write my memoirs and become rich and famous --  However, I figured out I would have to actually remember shit to write actual memoirs...and then I would actually have to WRITE them.  That sounds like a lotta steps man....It's just not gonna work.
  •   Eat and Drink in Moderation -- Let's face it:  toilet brush and rug are enablers.  It's like they want me to fail!
  • Become Addicted to Exercise -- you know how they say that if you do something for two weeks, it becomes habit and you will NEED to do it??  They're liars.  Bastards.
  • Create a Financial Plan and Monthly Budget.  Apparently, you're not supposed to just spend money until the bank calls you and tells you to knock it the hell off...Seriously?  Someone really should have said something sooner.  I blame society.
  • Lose 10 15 20 -- oh, who are we kidding -- 30 pounds.  Damn you acaiaiaieieio berry!  LAZY!

Actually, I don't have enough time (or the will) to do any of the above...however, I'm not a total loser....I'll just make a new list.  A BETTER that I can accomplish:

  • Buy the same pair of pants at Eastern Mountain Sports as you did at REI (because you forgotted and I think we all know they're totally cute -- and they dry fast too.  Obviously, you need two...)  Done!
  • Watch a Law & Order Marathon (daily).  Done!!
  • Brush up on current Reality TV shows to ensure you can gab with the cool kids once you get to the office (Biggest Loser - the hell can a person lose that much weight in 7 months?? By leaving it laying around DAMNITT! that's how....because obviously, I found it!!!)  Done!!!
  • Sit and stare at the treadmill.  Think to yourself..."I should really just get on that damn thing...In fact, if I simply walked while I watched this Law & Order Marathon I could probably do some good...maybe lose some weight"  -- FYI, That totally would have been cool if I had done my defense...I did think about it...a lot...  Done! 
  • Take Dillon to PetSmart so often that the cashiers call you "dude" and Dillon "little Dude."  Done!


fojoy said...

Sounds like a great vacation to me! All you forgot to do was eat a pint of Ben & Jerry's (per day) and read a trashy novel! Be proud - that's exactly what vacas are for!

McGillicutty said...

oh lord... the second list sounds like hard work to me.. I have been so lazy lately I can't even be bothered to comment on the totally rockin' blogs I follow!!!!!

unmitigated me said...

Actually, I'm pretty sure that because you DIDN'T eat the required pint of Ben and Jerry's everyday, it's exactly the same as having been on a diet this whole month. Also, no one who reads you would ever expect a thank-you note. Not in a million years. If they do, they aren't reading closely enough. Totally not your fault.

Jason, as himself said...

I think reality TV is the main reason for people not getting things done, and the main cause for people like me to be left out of the cool kid conversations.

Nobody ever wants to talk about "Bones."

Charlene said...

Did you hear that if you drink nothing but water and black coffee; no juice or smoothies or other drinks with lots of calories, you will loose 1/2 lb. ever third day. That's 10 a month.

I heard it on TV so it must be true.

tera said...

The trick would be to get Ben & Jerry's to make an Acai Berry ice cream. I'm sure it would be healthy AND do weight loss AND taste good all at the same time.

And I know what you sign up for two months of vacation and it turns out to only be two weeks, which goes by in two days and then two hours later it's time to go back to work.
I'm sure it's all "their" fault. Bastards.

Frau said...

I think your second list was far more real and probably why you completed it!

JJ Pep said...

I love the new list better!!! awesome!!!

blognut said...

I'm not one to make excuses or anything, (What? Shut up!), but that whole first list - totally not your fault - real people do not accomplish the kind of lofty goals you put on that to-do list. The second one was way more reachable.

And your vacation was not nearly long enough. I blame the USG and the Canadians. They must have worked together on this.

Noble Glomads said...

I ran a half marathon once with a very high tech caloire burner thingamaginy that told me exactly how many calories I had burned after 13.1 miles and then I ate an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia ice cream. Guess how many calories are in a pint of CG ? Right, the exact amount you burn running 13.1 miles. So, I could have not eaten the ice cream, not run 13.1 miles and not paid $16,000.00 for knee surgery. You are doing the right thing.

Baba au Rhum said...

You're funny ;)

Connie said...

Vacations are never long enough - I think it is a conspiracy, and I disagree that you have to remember things in order to write a memoir. Just make stuff up .. it's more fun, and will really confuse the heck out of whoever inherits your stuff way down the line.

EJ said...

Your blog is fantastic - so much so, that I felt compelled to give you a shout-out in my own.

Thanks for the laughs! Good luck returning to the daily grind.

Suzy said...

I read your to-do list and got so depressed. It's like I forgot it was yours and not mine.

Only I don't have one. So much easier that way.

Ruthibelle said...

oh no. Not good. But we gotta do what we gotta do... all the best.

JLW said...

I like your quick wit and comedic yet moving entries, especially the one with the ice cream, made me smile =]

I have become a follow maybe you could take a look at myblog and see what you think. Thanks

Keep up the good work

darsden said...

hahaha...that is because you were on that crackdebbiesugar over there..!

u have become are speaking judgeisums

tera said...

You's kind of hard to stalk you when you're GONE FOR SO LONG!!!!

Hope all is well with you and Josh and the doggies.

Fragrant Liar said...

Yoooooo-hoooooo! I'm home! Er, where ARE you? I'm back from hiatus. Did you take one? Frankly, I miss you! How am I supposed to know what's going on in the world of diplomacy without your in-depth coverage and keen insight? Come back and post, or it will be an unspeakable outrage!