Friday, May 14, 2010

You Should All be Pissed at Josh....Because I Totally Am!!!

So today, I had to go to the doctor to get a CT scan of my snotty nose -- the doc claims I am not allergic to anything and when I questioned her medical degree  -- technically, I asked her if she was WebMD certifiied (like myself) and then pointed out that the Kleenex company sends me Christmas and birthday cards...Therefore, something is not "normal," and maybe she should climb up offa that prescription pad and dole me out some medical advice...I mean, would it KILL you to give me some damn adderall????

(YES mother...I am well aware that Adderall does not cure a snotty nose...I didn't attend literally 3s of hours of internet medical school on webmd for nothing!?  HOWEVER, if that ho is going to sit there and tell me that I am not allergic to anything, but then have the nerve to pass me a kleenex box - the bitz better be giving me somethin'...AND, I kinda think that it might help me in my quest to fit into my pants...that's the rumor on the street...)

ANYWAY, so Josh comes home from language class and decides he and Dillon (the dog) are going to go with me to the doc - so I'm thinking, "how sweet is that!?  He's worried about me!!" 
So he drops me off.

I spend 30 minutes filling out forms -- mostly checking the box "no" for have you ever had ebola, but then adding parenthesis to explain that I might  have had Ebola. but that I had diagnosed it myself on webMd one night after a dinner at some random Sudanese man's house.  I feel they should know this option, because if it wasn't ebola - it was a brain tumor.  Or maybe stomach cancer.  Or gas.  We'll never know...

I finally emerge after my CT scan and wait for Josh and Dillon to come pick me up...I mean, I just underwent a serious medical procedure...

And I waited....

Then I waited some more....

Then off in the distance I see Josh arriving. They pull up.  I get into the car, expecting to be quizzed on how it went - did I think I would live...how many days did they give me before the end....

Josh was finishing an ice cream cone.  Dillon had ice cream breath and sticky shit all over his nose. 

They didn't bring me one. Dillon at least had the decency to look guilty.   Josh pointed out that ice cream was not on my diet.

.WTF Joshua!?!  The DOG gets an ice cream cone...but not me!???

Obviously, my only option is divorce...does anyone know a good attorney?? Someone experienced with ice cream cruelty issues??   I think we have a pretty clear case of inhumane treatment here....or maybe brain cancer.

We'll never know.

21 comments:

fojoy said...

What the WHAT!? It seems your only recourse is to tie him down and drink a beer in front of him!
Fair is fair...

Mala said...

SO, how many days?

(see, some people care. Oh, and I mailed you an ice cream. Just keep your eye out for the wet, sticky, soggy business sized envelope. That's the one.)

Mala said...

SO, how many days?

(see, some people care. Oh, and I mailed you an ice cream. Just keep your eye out for the wet, sticky, soggy business sized envelope. That's the one.)

mrs k said...

the nerve! so glad you are in teh states again- so if you ever come to florida pls look me up for real- we'd have a faboo time...now go sign u pfor twitter pls...blogging has become too much for me to do- i have diagnosed myself with adult add

unmitigated me said...

You're dying and he's already celebrating? I think you need an Ann Taylor trip...you know,..so you'll be beautiful in the casket.

Jaime said...

ice cream cruelty! i agree that's immediate grounds for divorce...unless he makes up for it by bringing you a huge sundae the next day...

Poppy Buxom said...

Here's a thought. The next 10 or 20 times you have to blow your nose, reach for the shirt he's wearing instead of a Kleenex.

blognut said...

I'm speechless. What was Josh thinking? I think divorce is a reasonable reaction to him eating ice cream in front of you. I am studying for my WebLaw degree, so I'll totally hook you up since you were so helpful with my Ebola diagnosis the other day.

Charlene said...

First Rule of Ice Cream.

If you are going to get ice cream and do not bring some for your spouse, lover, friend you're going to see, eat it before you see them and hide all the accoutrement.

I like the idea of tying Josh up and drinking beer for a couple of hours. An added plus is if you get him naked first, you can sell his pictures for porn, I hear.

Jill said...

More importantly... what kind of ice cream was it? I mean, if it was Ben & Jerry's then I say he's outta here.

BUT if it was Dreyers or something... maybe just a separation.

tera said...

Diet schmi-et. So if you lose whatever weight he apparently thinks you need to lose you should then go to Ann Taylor and get all snazzed up, and then you can sing "U Can't Touch This" for him.
It'll be a double torture, 'cause you'll look hot, and I have it on good authority you can't sing.
:)

Frau said...

Divorce is certain...how could he especially in your condition!

Jersey Girl said...

I can relate to how you feel. My EX-husband went on a business trip to Japan (or China or Mongolia, some place out that way). When he came home and was unpacking, he told me that the cashmere was relatively inexpensive and showed me 3 very nice cashmere sweaters - all for him. I asked "What? Only the cashmere for men was cheap?" Selfish bastard.

Andrea said...

The NERVE of these men! Can't a girl get any sympathy?!?!

rxBambi said...

interesting... I'd only divorce mr bambi if he went out and had wine without me.

I'll send you some benedryl, that will dry you up.

wait... where are you?

Suzy said...

I had a guy do that once IN FRONT OF ME. Bought one for his son, one for himself and paid the vendor. The end. In all senses of the word.

Clark Kent's Lunchbox said...

That is a family law site much like WebMD where you can get certified on all the ins and outs. Ice cream cruelty definitely counts.

CarrieAnn said...

What a bastard. I was pissed at him just because the title of your blog told me to be, but after I read the post...I was super pissed!

Captain Dumbass said...

A wise man would have parked around the corner and disposed of the evidence first. Don't ever call Josh if you kill somebody and need help with the body.

mo.stoneskin said...

Unbelievable. Of course, I was partly confused because for a while I thought that Josh was that scary alligator-on-a-handbag that you were lugging around recently. But that was Joe wasn't it?!

Lorna said...

Apparently Josh is as clueless as that doctor; wherever she managed to get HER useless degree. Must look into these WEB degrees as I'm in the market for a career change...