Thursday, May 13, 2010

Spoiler Alert!!!

Organic = Yucky.  Mother 'effin YUCKY. 

How can I be sure of this, you ask??  WELL....since we've returned to the USA, I've been all trying to be "healthy" (and when I say "healthy" I mean trying to fit back into my pants -- which is not as simple as one might think.  WTF Science!?  Where the hell is my fat pill!?  WHAT IS TAKING SO LONG!?  LAZY!) -- and, according to the TV (which is where I get most of my information) in order to be truly "healthy," we apparently need to go full yuppie and purchase everything organic. 

To make matters worse, Josh has also started spouting all kinds of nonsense that cake is not healthy!  WTF!?  Is nothing sacred???  ---  However, I think we all know that if I were to make said cake with all organic materials, it's OBVIOUSLY healthy.  (Ha HA!  What now suckah?? )  However, the sad part is that nobody actually remembers how to make a cake without using a box (and when I say "nobody" I mean me) AND do you realize how much work it would be to make a cake not from a box?? WHO HAS THAT KINDA TIME!? 


Therefore,  I would sincerely appreciate it if Duncan Hines or that Bitch Betty Crocker would throw the word "Organic" on both a yellow cake mix and a chocolate frosting can.  Let's be honest:  I'm not going to be able to go without cake.  That's simply inhumane.  

Organic cake mixes were not my point though -- my point is (and I do have one) that Organic shit is yucky.  Case in point: this morning I made some "steel cut Irish oats" for breakfast.  My first clue should have been the "all natural," "organic" and "no sodium" that was written on the outside of the container.  My next clue should have been that it said it needed to simmer for 30 minutes.  (WTF!?  THIRTY MINUTES!?  To make breakfast?? I barely give myself that much time for me to do my hair and make up for heaven's sake! I usually end up with my hair in a pony-tail because I made a deal with myself to sleep an extra 20 minutes -- and it is TOTALLY WORTH IT)....

Now I realize that most of you were already thinking, "ewwweee...Gross!" -- when I mentioned my healthy breakfast... I was fooled into thinking that it wouldn't be so bad.  I mean, I actually thought that I liked Oatmeal. 

Turns out, what I liked was the brown sugar and cinnamon -- neither of which are currently in my house.  (Little known downside to moving: you lose all your spices and condiments...and I can never remember that I need to buy them when I'm at the store -- I'm usually distracted by the cake and cookie mixes when I'm in the spice aisle...)

Newsflash:  plain, organic, steel-cut, Irish oats are DISGUSTING...even if you add dried cranberries like the carton suggests.  Eff -U Irish oat-makers...that's just adding insult to injury.
SOOO, I can only assume that the Irish (much like the Canadians) hate me.  Well, guess what Ireland!?  I hated you LONG BEFORE you hated me.  And, I'm pretty sure that this oatmeal comes from the part of Ireland that is NOT in the UK...

Frankly, after this morning's fiasco, I wouldn't support letting you in the UK either.....

9 comments:

A Daring Adventure said...

Laughing so hard that... stomach hurts...

And I'm a no-fat, no-sugar, gluten-free vegan! LOL!

"My point is... that Organic shit is yucky."

LOL!!!

Simon said...

The Irony is that somehwere out ther in TV land is the ultimate answer.

This 30 second enlightenment is sandwiched between rather dubious content on one of thousands of channels that run 24/7.

Don't despair! If you spend long enough on the sofa and watch enough TV you will find the ultimate answer for health, fitness and a body as taught as a new teacher's nerves.

Ooooerrrr.... I think I might have a slight flaw in my argument somewhere.

blognut said...

Um... I'm worried. Are you just hating Ireland, or the Irish in general? 'Cause I have one of those O-apostophe last names and I don't want to be cast out for a perceived association to organic oatmeal that I don't even like.

Let me know, please. I won't sleep 'til I hear from you.

Alex said...

That's classic!

I understand what you're saying about oatmeal, but (you're going to hate me for this) I love oatmeal and porridge.

Then again, I'm part Irish...

fojoy said...

Don't give up on Organic just yet. Just 'cause the oatmeal is reminiscent of poo doesn't mean its all bad. If I can convert, then you can too!

http://robyn-fojoy.blogspot.com

Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

you know i think you could get some kind of weblaw degree and do it yourself. personally i have a do it yourself brain surgery degree that i got online. it cost a bit and i haven't taken my finals yet, but still...

smiles, bee
xoxoxoxoxooxxo

♥ Braja said...

I just got back and checked in, and am glad to see you're still insane....

Sirmelja said...

Ireland loves you too! But, seriously? That was just your own craziness when you actually put down money for steel cut oats. That's what horses eat! We're not animils, damnnit! Sugar and fake, artificial crap are what keep the human body going :-) What I wouldn't give for some fake, orange cheese air-popped crap right now. Cheez-Its, I LOVE you man!! Yet another thing that Ireland could desperately use.

sb.marianna said...

losing some weight doesn't necessary mean eating oatmeal! you just have to give up McDonald's and all kinds of greasy stuff. and eat vegetables. and easy on the sugar. try fruit.

and don't despair! you'll manage to get rid of a few pounds. sooner or later.

when you think about cake... preferably later

http://sb-marianna.blogspot.com/