Saturday, November 14, 2009

Scratchy = Healthy

So I'm not sure if I've already told you my theory on how to determine whether something is good for you and you could eat as much of it that you want - or, alternatively, if it is bad for you and will make you fatter if you sit in the same room with the stuff.  My theory is foolproof and this weekend I proved it yet again...and also another little known fact about healthy shit.

Begin theory:

Soft food = tastes yummy, wish you had it right now, fat ass (see donuts, cake, ice cream)
Scratchy food = healthy food, makes you gag, don't actually want to eat it (see, celery, brussel sprouts)

End theory

So anyway, this weekend I decided that I would make some bread.  I know! RIGHT!?  How totally wifey is that?  It's very Betty Draper - although, I didn't have any cigarettes, but I did have a glass of wine (to make the kneading less annoying).  However, you may recall that Josh is here.  So I had to totally pretend like I cared about being healthy and nutrition and all that other BS...so I decided to make whole wheat bread, instead of fluffy white bread (that I make REALLY WELL, FYI). 

Now here is where the valuable lesson comes in - not only is whole wheat bread scratchy to eat, it is scratchy to knead.  So you totally  know right there that it is going to be a nightmare...(spoiler alert) So i knead, look for some bandaids to cut down on the chafing - and then i set it aside to rise. 

It doesn't rise.  It just kinda gave a half-assed effort to puff up a bit, then it just kinda sat there.

So I still persevere.  I bake that shit.

I made a loaf that weighed about as much as a big ole rock.  It wasn't hard, but it was totally scratchy.

THEREFORE, my point is (and I do have one) once again scratchy shit ruined my weekend.

So there you have it: conclusive proof that scratchy, healthy food sucks.  Every time.   I rest my case.

16 comments:

That one girl said...

Scratchy, heavy, bread is TOTALLY my favorite! Wanna send some my way???

otin said...

My rule is that if it does not taste better raw than after it is cooked then it does not count as good food! (examples: Cookie dough and cake batter!)

Beth said...

So, did you use the band-aids before or after you started bleeding? Because if it was after, ewwww... gross. Step away from the scratchy bread.

CarrieAnn said...

Baking my own bread is reason #524 that I will never make a good wife for anyone. EVER.

McGillicutty said...

Why bake bread??? there's plenty of good bread to be had at the market...don't bake it....I don't understand the bakers dozen thing anyway!!!!

Jason, as himself said...

Very interesting theory. I'm trying to think of an exception to this rule. Hmm. Bacon? Bacon! Bacon is scratchy and it isn't that good for you. And potato chips. Not good for you.

Sorry. Did I just blow your theory right out of the water? Or maybe you don't even eat bacon or chips. Do they have bacon in Sudan?

♥ Braja said...

But Brussels sprouts ARE soft food....mmmm..... especially drowned in butter, salt, and pepper, with cheese sauce......see? :)))

mo.stoneskin said...

That "theory" is not a theory. Fact is that food that tastes nice is good for you.

Right?!

Gaston Studio said...

Good Lord! I can't get pass the fact that you were actually in the kitchen, doing all those things to make bread, let alone healthy bread!

Was Josh a good Boy Scout and eat it?

Heidi said...

I love soft food. I think I'll have ice cream and Little Debbie Zebra cakes for dessert tonight.
Oh and I love how you give directions in a previous post LOL!

blognut said...

OMG! Braja eats brussel sprouts!

Gross. THAT is not meant to go in your mouth, Braja!

blognut said...

I don't really get this bread baking thing you were doing. You know you can just buy that shit for, like, $2.19? Time is money, Michel. Life is too short to bake bread.

Medora said...

I can bake anything but bread. I don't think I've seen Betty bake bread - then again, she's been awful busy lately trying to hook up with Henry. Not that she could catch up to Don't antics, but still . . .

Susan said...

I first read, "So I perverse." You totally had me hooked.

Betty baking bread: "Go upstairs." Then she makes the maid bake it.

♥ Braja said...

Yeah hello hello??!! Give Michel back, Josh!!!

staceyjwarner said...

You are spot on with your theory...LOL!

much love