Sunday, November 1, 2009

Define "Serving".....

Well, I'd just like to state for the record, that if the schedule I'm currently working here in Sudan keeps up like this, I'm going to have to start redefining my definition of a "serving" of red wine to be more in keeping with my definition of a "serving" of coffee (i.e. one pot equals one serving) so that I can fill out my health questionnaire accordingly (and when I say "accordingly" I mean so they don't send someone they call a "trained medical professional"  out to escort me home).  

Apparently, I don't know when to keep my big mouth shut and I spouted off to everyone I know about how great my new "cake diplomacy" is working here in Sudan.  As it turns out, anyone who draws attention to themselves in Sudan gets to "take the lead" and pursue progress.  Pursue progress....WTF does that mean??  As a rule of thumb, I don't pursue anything!  I figure, if it is meant to be, it will happen, and by "happen" i mean, happen to someone else so that I can continue my quest to only pretend to work and not actually under-take any work per se. 

Do you see my dilemma??

So now I'm being forced to talk to foreigners AND listen to what it is they have to say, even though I am not really interested in their blather and almost all of it has literally NOTHING to do with me!  Believe me, I've totally tried bringing the conversation back to interesting topics such as me, my friends, or my situation.  But they KEEP talking about US/Sudan relations and how the Government of Sudan wants something and are willing to do something else, but then I noticed this really big spider in the corner and sorta freaked out because it seemed to be jogging (yes, it was waay more than walking, although it didn't really have any special shoes, or a camelback for hydration, so MAYBE it was trotting) in my general direction.  Naturally, I didn't want to overreact and cause panic in the meeting, so I tried to discretely lift both my legs up off of the floor and climb up into the chair Indian Style (yes, I can say that. I'm part American Indian - unless you're all offended that I was claiming it was South Asian Indian style, but I'm not even sure what that style would be, so rest assured I was going for the feather, not dot style). 

But then the spider stopped.  He initiated what I assumed was a Sudanese Standoff (which I assume is much like a Mexican Standoff, but only with a Sudanese flair, like maybe it would get out its turban and then drive on the wrong side of the road - I just don't know as it was my first Sudanese Standoff).  So I slowly put my legs down again....and I waited...

And then again I noticed that these people NEVER stop talking. Can't they read the signs of my abject terror?!  That I was just seconds away from being killed where I sat?? (I can only assume Sudanese spiders are also Godless killing machines like the African Snakes.  Rivaled only by zombies.)

So then the spider stood his ground for about another minute (or maybe an hour, I can't really be sure) and then he turned around and sauntered into a corner under a bookshelf.  Although I managed to make it out of there alive (This time!), I have vowed that I will NEVER return.  Therefore, I am intend to use Josh's arrival in Khartoum as the reason I cannot go back to that office, and hopefully, they'll forget about me.  OR, in the alternative, I will simply demand to meet in a neutral location, free from the Sudanese Spider Menace.

SO ANYWAY, that explains why I am now drinking red wine in bottle-sized servings.  Therefore, I would appreciate it if you would be a lamb, and redefine a "serving" of alcohol to reflect one shot of liquor, one bottle of beer, and one bottle of wine is equal to one serving. 

You will have my deepest appreciation.

16 comments:

Ivo Serentha and Friends said...

My compliments for your blog and pictures included,I encourage you to photoblog,

http://photosphera01.spaces.live.com

Greetings from Italy,

Marlow

Captain Dumbass said...

I see no problem with that rational. In fact, I plan to implement it this afternoon.

lakeviewer said...

Wine is medicinal as well as a major ingredient in most good cooking. A serving size is whatever is prescribed. Good luck, Michel, on changing standard units.

A Mom on Spin said...

Oh, I've always known that a bottle of wine serves one.

That's why I moved to the box. . .

Jason, as himself said...

Wait a second. All this time one bottle didn't equal a serving? I've been all smug thinking I'm being so moderate, only having a half a serving per night.

Thanks a lot! I'm glad you're not MY diplomat!

rxBambi said...

I always thought is was one serving per bottle as well. Thanks for making me realize I'm just a fatty.

Jaime said...

there's nothing wrong with bottle sized servings of wine. it might be a bad idea to scarf down an entire pie in one sitting though... but it's different with liquor. yeah. that's my story and i'm sticking to it.

blognut said...

One container = one serving. Therefore, if you can get that 5 gallon box of wine, that is also one serving.

And I am glad you survived the spider. You know he was just there on a recon mission, right? He's coming back with his friends next time.

You MUST stay out of that office for the rest of your life!

tattytiara said...

Look, you go to a restaurant and you're given individual servings. Restaurants sell wine by the bottle. Therefore a bottle is an individual serving. After all, the entire restaurant industry can't be wrong, can it?

Gaston Studio said...

If I was in a Mexican Standoff or a Sudanese Standoff with a huge, loping spider, I'd want a bottle of wine too. And I'd have NEVER put my feet back on the floor, asking for trouble.

Dee-Zigns Handcrafted Jewelry said...

Hey chick, love the new look :).

I think a serving of wine depends on the size of the glass and I happen to have beautiful large wine glasses. Just saying.

Damn spiders, tell me again what purpose they serve? They should duke it out with roaches... ewwwwww!

Medora said...

I think I would have wet my pants.

Incidentally, I would also be afraid of keeping any Little Debbie products around, because what if a spider got into them? Do those spiders have any ferocious jaws that could tear through plastic?

Middle Aged Woman said...

Sorry Too squicked out by the spider to be clever.

Pastor Sharon said...

Little Miss Debbie
Sat by the Levy
Drinking her wine all day.

Along came a spider
who sat down beside her
and frightened Miss Debbie away!

hahahahahhahaha

There! I did it! I re created the nursery rhyme with your two favs!


Next time. . . Get up and STOMP that thing!!!!!!!

tera said...

Serving smerving.
I say drink the wine and smash the spider with the empty bottle.

I hate spiders.
Dammit.

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