Saturday, November 7, 2009

So Josh is Here...

I assume he hasn't noticed that I was actually unable to lose 27 pounds in 2 weeks, or 8 months, whatever, anyway, he hasn't SAID anything - so I guess his parents raised him correctly.  Although, truth be told, I've been waiting for it! So there has been a lot of "A-HAH!"  Oh, you said 'where are you at'?!  Okay, never mind.  I just thought..no...what's that?? A-HAH!  What? oh, never mind."  I gotta tell you, even I almost feel for him at this point.

 What he has voiced, HOWEVER, is his utter disdain for my ability to tell him how to get places.  Apparently, former marines do not understand my obviously superior direction giving abilities such as:

Okay, you leave our house and you can go right or left, I usually go right- because if you go left, there is this big pile of trash that smells like ass at the end, and if you get stuck there making a left, your car will tend to smell like ass for the rest of the trip - ass smell tends to linger you know - so I go right, but then you have to go left again when you get to that one fruit stand that has the guy that wears the dirty man-dress, or, it's just brown colored.  I'm not  really sure -- anyway, go left there, but then you have to go right just past that one building that I think might be a bank or a car dealership - or, it might be an office - I don't know, but it has a green strip along the side and you know if you've gone too far if you hit the pile of tires that are all stacked up by the mooley-liki sign, well, I'm not really sure what the name is of that place, but there is a sign that I think says mooley-liki in Arabic, but I don't really speak Arabic, so I might have made that up.  Then you drive and drive until you get to the next road that is paved, but not the first paved one, the second paved one - I call it "little palm tree road" because it has little wee palm trees in the middle, like babies, you know, or midgets...well little palm trees, I think they like to be called little now, not midgets because that's rude.   Anyway, you go right...no, left...well, maybe left..yeah, no..it's right.  Go right, the store is right there. You can't miss it.

Seriously, how easy is that??

But he keeps asking blatently silly questions like - "Do I go North or South?"  WTF!?  How the hell would I know!?  There is no way of knowing.  It's unknowable.

So then he gets all extra-patient like, and speaks slower and enunciates all clearly as if English were a second language and says, "If you were looking at the map, are you heading toward the top or the bottom of it?"  Which is such a stupid question because everybody knows you have to turn the map to face it which ever direction you are currently going because how the hell would you know which way you are supposed to turn if you don't??

Anyway, who uses a map?? I just know how to get places.  I usually get lost, stop and ask for directions (which never work) but it usually gets me to somewhere I think I know where I am, and then I just keep driving until you hit the Nile (or Chad) and then viola, you can find your way home.

What?

So, my point is, it's going to be a bit of an adjustment (for Josh).  I wish him the best of luck.  It has to be hard, living with a selfless saint, such as myself.

He'll settle.

18 comments:

Beth said...

I've never been able to tell which way is north or south, etc. Except when the sun is coming up. Then I know that is the east. Or is it the west. Or is it in the general vicinity of east. I can't remember all this crap!

I like it much better when directions say drive to the house with the flamingos in yard (fake ones) then turn left. Unless you are coming from the other direction. Then you'd turn right. You'll know you've gone too far if you see the building with all the cars for sale in the lot....

Much better!

Josh will adjust.

Suzy said...

I have a whole segment in my standup act on why men KEEP saying North and South instead of right or left. I also give directions like you. "It's the green house in the middle of that weird block, hellllllllllllllllllllllllo?"

Juli Ryan said...

I never ask for directions. I just look at the map. That's right. I'm a man.

otin said...

Poor man! Poor poor man! I bet if there was an overturned Little Debbie truck North of you, you would learn direction real quick! haha!

CarrieAnn said...

Does GPS work in Sudan? Because I would be screwed otherwise. I can't get out of my driveway without it. It could have pictures of things like the big tire pile and the store with the green strip. I would love to hear my sexy Australian navigator tell me how to get around those things in his hot accent.

Middle Aged Woman said...

Did I totally miss the "OMG-it's-been-so-long-let's-have-sex-in-every-room-of-the-house-including-on-the-dirt-pile-on-the-roof" post? It must be here somewhere.

Smart Mouth Broad said...

I don't see the problem. You made it clear as mud.

staceyjwarner said...

I loved your directions...I'd being the direction math in my head while you were telling me...LOL. I can't imagine not knowing east from west, north from south...I would consider it a gift.

much love

McGillicutty said...

North, South... it's all the same to me, it's the pub on the corner I can never get past. That's how we give directions in England anyway, never even thought about N and S until I came to the States.. everyone is so anal. Just stay home.

Melissa said...

this is so awesome.

i'm incredibly gifted at giving directions exactly like you!!!

my boyfriend, however, will only rely on his gps now...

Gaston Studio said...

Just buy him a TomTom.

blognut said...

Can't you just send someone out for whatever it is he needs so you guys can stay home?

Goose said...

I can't handle north / south directions either. I do just fine wIth landmarks and rights and lefts. Street names I like too. Usually google maps works just fine for me.

Jaime said...

anyone could say head north on main street. it's a far superior test of his ability to follow directions to tell him to hang a right at the dunkin donuts and proceed until he gets to the third wendy's on the left and make a quick right then a left at the bank of america branch!

north...south... so boring!

Captain Dumbass said...

I'd just like to point out that I have a country named after me.

Lagunatic said...

I just want to know about when you drive places together. If he makes a turn where you're not used to making one do you don a mechanical voice and say, "Recalculating..."?
I do.
In related news, it really helps to be wearing high heels when you're trying to thumb a ride home.

Anonymous said...

Hello, didn't you say that Josh is a Marine? I thought that they could or should be able to find there way any where in the world. Highly trained at getting from one place to the other! He should be able teach you some short cuts to getting there.
As for your direction? North South turn up or down it's all the same. land marks are keys to finding your way with out them how will you ever remember. It's not like you take adderal to keep you tip top.
Happy for you that he is finally there.

class-factotum said...

A friend called me from the Miami airport to get directions to my house. I had her put the cabbie on the phone. "Go south on 37th and east on 32nd," I said.

"Is that right or left?" the cabbie asked.

I told the cabbie to let me talk to my friend.

"Get a different cab," I instructed. "This one is an idiot."

East and west is pretty easy in Miami. It corresponds directly with "To the ocean" and "away from the ocean."