Got Milk??

Okay, so tonight I went to the Chinese National Day here in Khartoum.  I mean, I knew it was coming, I figured this would happen -- I chose shoes with lower heels -- BUT DAMNITT! I was (once again) a freakish giant. 

WTF PEOPLE!? I'm 5'9" tall (Do your own math, I can't be trying to convert to the metric system -- I'm traumatized here!!!) It's not like I'm headed for the world record for tallness - In Montana I'm of average height - however, in DC, I'm effin tall -- But at Chinese National Day? I think I might have prompted the Chinese mission here to make a quick call to the Japanese Embassy to see if Mothra was on the loose!  We're lucky Josh has not arrived yet...although he is not uber tall, once he gets here he will be the Godzilla to my Mothra.   It's no wonder our relations with China are strained.  They're all petite and adorable and I'm ....Let's just say, I'm NOT.

How humiliating is that?!   Someone needs to send some damn whole milk to China!!   I cannot continue to walk around town like this.  I really hate to be referred to as that "big girl" over in the corner.  (YES, I do realize I should not be in the corner but Damnitt, WTF?!  Work with me here people!!!)

PLUS, (In keeping with the adding insult to injury theme of the evening ) there was press there (once again) and I live in fear that I am going to be on the Sudanese equivalent of "People" magazine and I"ll be the one they're claiming was the fashion don't  with the big ole black box over their eyes - oh, we'll all know who it is.  Isn't that MICHEL? OMG! That is soo hilarious (if you are not Michel)!!!

PLUS, the Embassy driver took me to the function tonight, and when getting out of the vehicle (onto the red carpet which SHOULD have been a cool thing) I ran my nylons on the running board.  So then I had to walk up the red carpet and into the function with a big ole hole in my stockings.

Oh yes, you heard me.  The person who represented the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA had runs in her nylons -- and they were NOT fashionably placed!  U-effing-ganda is laughing at us right now!!!  UGANDA PEOPLE!

That is NOT right...

I am so sorry you guys.  the US of A is now a laughing stock in Khartoum.  My stockings have derailed US policy.  I don't even know what to do about this, other than what I did - which was yell "LIAR!" throw some business cards off to the side and run away.

What!?  You got a better idea????

Obviously, I Just Can't Do It....

Remember when I was all saying I was going to try really, really hard to be a better person?? How I was going to mind my mother and father and remember that if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all?! 

Well, Thanks a LOT mom and Dad!  Now look what you've done!! NOW I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY!?    So what the hell am I supposed to do now!?

Do you have any idea how very hard it has been for me to remain silent!?  How very difficult it is for me not to throw out baseless accusations and digress into exaggerated hyperbole?? Frankly, I don't like this new and improved me -- it's not a good fit. It's UNPOSSIBLE for me to keep this up!  If I do, I will simply end up a bitter, resentful, mute with a lotta opinions left unsaid. 

That's not my way.

Therefore, I take back my vow of niceness -- my promise to be polite to others, kind to my fellow man, and not to make up shit for the sake of a story.  My stories gotta be told!  (Well, they gotta be told, but they're (frankly) boring if I tell them like they "really" happened.  Nobody wants to hear that shit.  Ergo, I will continue to make my stories "better.")

AS SUCH, heretofore, all my stories will begin with "No Shit! There I was...."  I give fair warning that I will take credit for cool stuff other people do and write "by Michel" - usually in crayon -  for anything worthy of notice.   In fact, I should also demand that Little Debbie give me a kick back for all the new business I effing drummed up for that little whore.  I believe it was me that started the Great Snack Cake Debate of 2008 where the merits of Little Debbie were held up to the more well known brands such as Hostess or Dolly Madison.  (Or, maybe I just totally made that up, but it really would be a good topic for a debate.  They should write that down for the next Presidential Campaign....)  However, would it kill you to send me an effin thank you note Debbie (whom I'm not sure is likely that little anymore...her butt cannot remain unaffected by her tasty treats)???   I'm just sayin, One Might question your upbringing!  A little kickback to the Little Debbie-less in Khartoum might go a long way toward your future of free advertising you two-bit ho.

SELFISH! 

Obviously, it is clear that I might also have a future career in Politics.  I seem to have all the required traits to be a successful one! Now, the only thing left to figure out is how I'm going to pull all this off without once again getting smoted.  I suspect that the next time God decides to smote me, I will at least have had it coming!! 

That seems fair.

Dear Blogger,

What in the hell am I supposed to do with this?!!?!




I distinctly recall pushing "ENGLISH" when you asked me what language I would like to write my blog in (although I do admit that I briefly considered Navajo Wind Talker until I realized you have to KNOW the language to write in that language (which I kinda think is discriminatory). As such, I request that you fix this shit right now!!! I cannot work under these conditions!

Why you gotta ruin my flavah?

PLUS, What the hell do you mean, I'm "currently not following any blogs!?!" Do you know how long it took me to find those blogs?? THEN, I had to push that follow button and THEN you even made me push another button before it let me do it. There is obviously no respect for all the work I have put into this blog! Why I would literally come home and start typing nonsense that 4s of people PER DAY love to read. Granted, those people are my parents, Liz, and Dan, but STILL !

Haven't I been a loyal customer for all these 224 blogs I have posted?? Why, when I think of all the money I have poured into this blog (a figure reaching upwards of zero dollars) it just makes me sick.

It's like somehow you found out that I was waaay too lazy to leave you and try to create a new blog. I'm not sure how you figured this out, but I have just one thing to say to you: FOR SHAME!

If I weren't so lazy I would write a very strongly worded letter to the better business bureau. Obviously, you are benefiting from a very lucky coincidence!!

Best wishes,
Michel

Holy Crap!!

I hate to say it, but the Sudanese are OBVIOUSLY smarter than we are!!! I don't know anyone back in the states who have trained their goats to do this:




I shit you not! That was taken on the bridge crossing the Blue Nile into Khartoum! (This is NOT photo-shopped - I don't even know how to do that - I kinda wish I did because I'd put my head on EVERYTHING and claim that I did amazing things like parting the Red Sea 2009-style!)

It's likely goat-abuse, but I think it is more likely Sudan's version of a shock and awe campaign -- because I had 'em both!!! Naturally, I almost killed myself, and likely caused an international incident while I tried to find my stupid camera, and then drive one-handed at approximately 2 mph (which is likely 76 km and hour -but math is hard! we'll obviously never know...) while I tried to focus the stupid thing - and it's a tad bit blurry - however, it's pure photographic GENIUS!

I should also note that I almost killed myself yet again (in a totally separate side of town, away from the first international incident) this afternoon when I was driving home. So you know how I told you guys all about the rainy season, right?? Well...what I have not mentioned previously (because it is frankly too horrific to talk about) is that the rainy season created a ginormous bug migration to Khartoum -- or maybe more bugs hatched -- I don't know, all I know is this place is one big effin' BUG FARM! There are so many mosquitoes (or malaria-mongers, as I like to call them) that the Sudanese government is starting to dust Khartoum with pesticide -- which I'm sure is environmentally safe, as well as safe for me to be misted with the stuff! ANYWAY, my point is - there are a hell of a lotta bugs.


So, I'm driving along, minding my own business, singing Brittney Spears at the top of my lungs when I feel something drop from the top of my head down my shirt!!! Then, I feel it crawling - so I did what any sane, mature person would do - I totally freaked out and start ripping my shirt off to get the monster out of my shirt. What I forgot, as it turns out, was that I was STILL DRIVING. Nobody panic though - I got the bug - and it turned out it was NOT (as I had feared) a scorpion. (It was a tiny little beetle bug. BUT it was hugely SCARY!!)

Anyway, let's just suffice it to say that today, I'm sure there were a few calls to the Sudanese police to report a crazy diplomatic plated vehicle. Therefore, I'm considering requesting a new car ...

I think it's for the best.

Damnitt! That was WINTER!?

So the last few weeks were relatively cool...I think one day it was even in the low 90s at night. You could walk around outside and not feel like you were going to die, and in my book (the current one, not the book I had in DC) that's some kind of wonderful!!

The sad, sad part of this story is that apparently that was Sudan's winter. Today it was back up to 42 degrees celsius - and although I still have not managed to figure out what that means to us Americans with our Farenheit (the clearly superior way to measure temperature because I can understand what it means without having to go outside and go, WTF!?) - that's Effin HOT! Although at first you walk out and you're all, ooh, that's so nice! (because you were in the AC where some boy had control of the settings and figured that 52 was a good temperature for a conference room) but then within approximately 17 seconds you realize that you can look at your arm and see it turning the color of mahogany and the texture of luggage and you realize that perhaps you spoke too soon. Perhaps.

So apparently, winter packed up its bags and said "Screw you guys, I'm going home" to Sudan and I totally didn't take the time to treasure the moment or to get out and enjoy the holiday season. I realize - now that it is over - that I spent my whole Ramadan and 'Id holiday totally focused on how I couldn't get any food - even though we actually HAVE food in our houses and if I would just plan ahead I could get food -- but then once again my food obsession has RUINED EVERYTHING for me!!!

PLUS, I have also noticed that in my quest to find food - I was waaaaay successful. My pants are tight and apparently my ribcage is expanding and my arms are growing longer. Now normally, I would start my rambling excuses that Sudan is shrinking my shit and that they're totally trying to bring me down; however, I feel that I must admit the truth this time: I totally found food! (Check out that last sentence with the punctuation abomination! Oh yeah, I totally did that. I don't even care. What now smarties?) As such, I must now hide food from me and not just pretend to exercise, I might actually have to do it.

*GASP* I KNOW! That is SOOO not right!

Now normally, this confluence of weather and potential weight gain would likely send me into a tail spin of self-pity, however, this time is different. Why, you ask??

BECAUSE..... this time I have a blackberry and I no longer have to be humiliated when my phone rings and I answer my Nokia that came free with the cell phone plan while the 'fugees who live in the tent withe plastic tarp roof they just rolled up after the rainy season ended, check their email on their iPhones and then look at me with pity and shake their heads as I type each number 3 times in order to get the next letter (FORGET about the effin punctuation!) for my text message.

SO MY POINT IS (and I think I might have one) Blackberry's make everything better. And please...refrain from pointing out who much cooler the iPhone is - I KNOW this! However, I'm handicapped because my husband refuses to become a plastic surgeon and support my iPhone habit!

GREAT! Now I'm all depressed again! Shit!

Career Progression...

So I've been trying to figure out a way to get ahead at work - you know, without having to actually do something (because that's simply not my way). Apparently, my Plan B - where Josh miraculously becomes a cosmetic surgeon (OMG how cool would that be?!?! I get all teary-eyed just thinking about it) and then I quit my job and stay at home to pursue my life long dream of not having to work - is obviously not going to come to fruition. WHY? Because Josh refuses to go to medical school - telling me that "because you don't want to go to work is not a reason for me to go into a career field in which I have no interest..."

SELFISH!

So today I was trying to think of why Josh would be so hateful to me - forcing me to work, claiming I need to be nice to people, that I shouldn't bitch so much on my blog -- obviously, the man doesn't understand me and my artisitic (aka bitchy) ways. But then I thought, maybe it's not about me - maybe he has his own ideas for his future career options and perhaps I should think about how I can help him achieve those goals.

HAHAHAH!! OMG! I totally crack myself up! Not about me!?!? Priceless!

ANYWAY, since Josh isn't going to enable my future laziness, I figured out what it is I have to do: turn to a life of crime!! It's so simple, it is BRILLIANT! I was all excited there for about 5 minutes! I was thinking I could recruit Minoy and Liz into my semi-organized crime ring and we could start this big crime syndicate -- but then I realized two things: (a) that sounds like more work than my regular job; and (b) there is NOTHING I want to steal here!! As far as I know, there's no market for dirt!

Damnitt!! So now I'm back to having to go back to work tomorrow AND since Josh clearly is not going to fulfill my life-long dream of being married to a cosmetic surgeon, I obviously have to get up and pretend to exercise before I go to the office and pretend to work.

Where the hell is the humanitarian organization for people in my situation?? Someone should start a fund.

It's Almost That Time of Year!!!

It's almost Halloween!! I truly heart Halloween. Not even the month of scary movies with gory shit that freaks me out on TV can put me off this most sacred of candy giving out holidays!! (Plus, I don't have TV here, so it is even better this year!!) AND, if that wasn't enough to reel you into naming it the BESTEST HOLIDAY EVER, they also add in the extra bonus of someone always throws a kick-ass Halloween party where you are allowed to dress up like an idiot, get all drunk and obnoxious, and then claim it wasn't you because you were in the Cinderella costume because you're a gentle princess, not the drunken Cupid with the bow and arrows -- I mean, that would totally be immature and unprofessional! Although I totally am both of those, you obviously must have mixed me up with someone else. Someone that looks like me, but is not me. You know, that other guy -- DOOY!

Anyway, the Embassy here is going to throw a Halloween Party and they are having a costume party! And even though, I never speak to anyone in the Embassy unless I absolutely have to and/or I need something, I really think I can win this -- but obviously, it is not going to be on looks and charm. Therefore, this is why I need you guys! I need suggestions!!

Now before you guys (Otin) start throwing out things like "slutty nurse, slutty waitress, or slutty target checkout girl - please note that I am officially too old to pull off slutty -- and, dare I say it?? Perhaps a bit too chubby. Chubby slutty = desperate and lonely. Josh isn't here. I don't need labels!

Also, apparently last year, some rocket scientist decided it would be awesome to dress up like a pirate - but a Somali Pirate. So he gets all trashed at a pre-party (we don't mess around here in Sudan) and then rolls up to the gate dressed as a Somali pirate yelling and stuff. (Snaps for being in character, though)

Now, for those of you who may not know this, write this down: It is not a good idea to go to a function at a US Government installation, in a country known to have hosted Usama Bin Ladin back in the day, dressed as a terrorist with a plastic AK strapped to your back.

Apparently, the security officers and Sudanese authorities do not think it is amusing. They will let you know how unfunny you are in a Sudanese detention center. Your parting gift is a round trip ticket home.

Ergo, let's avoid any terroristy type costumes. For safety reasons.

SO, What do you got!? Those of us who are too lazy to think for ourselves need to know!

PS I've already started stocking up on Candy

PPS So far all I have found is that crappy arab candy that nobody really wants to eat so I likely won't gain 72 pounds like I do when I'm in the states and left unattended.

PPPS I also cannot go as Little Debbie (which makes me weep) because nobody here would know what the hell I was and I cannot walk around with a SIGN....

PPPPS Maybe I could....