It's Like the Make A Wish Foundation -- But for Losers

Okay, so if you guys did as you were TOLD (which I frankly won't hold you to, because I NEVER do extra stuff when nobody can check my work) you'd know that Oprah's people contacted Comedy Goddess and let her know that their committee selected HER as one of only TWO Special Ambassadors to BlogHer '09! The other "special" Ambassador?? ME!

I'm sorry! Did you hear me??? I SAID ME! (and you know that ME is totally my favorite subject!)

Naturally, when I was first contacted by Ms. Alicia Swington at "O" Magazine, I figured it was a hoax. I deleted her email and marked it as spam....because (of course) nobody from Oprah would contact me! But then when chatting with the her Holiness, Ms. CG, (FYI, we were informed that fellow bloggers would need to refer to us as either Ms. Ambassador and/or Your Holiness for the rest of this year and/or until we are booted as Ambassadors for conduct unbecoming of an Ambassador.) we realized that it was NOT a hoax and we were CHOSEN as one of the cool kids.

WE were two of Oprah's favorite things!!!

ANYWAY, last night we arrived in Chicago and were given VIP passes to the pre-convention parties so that the VIPs could meet their hosts and potential sponsors.

-- We were met in the Lobby of the hotel by our personal fashion consultant from Ann Taylor. We were allowed to pick out an outfit for our guest appearance. Let's just say...I did not even GLANCE at the sale rack!

-- Before the pre-party, CG and I headed straight to the open bar and started drinking martinis (I'm dirty, she's with a twist, in case you decide to host us at your homes) -- a LOT of martinis (THEY WERE FREE! FOCUS PEOPLE) Besides, I kinda need to ingest a little bit of liquid courage as I was still assuming this was some kind of Punked episode and the Chicago PD was going to bust up into the hotel and arrest us for stealing services, clothing and booze....

-- After about 4 martinis I spotted Stephen Colbert who was there that evening doing interviews of bloggers. CG and I made a bee-line because he was totally on my laminated list! I chattered at him non-stop. I might have spit some martini in his face when he said something funny; however, as I get really charming and witty when I drink, I can only assume he would have left his wife and kids for me, had he not had to return to NYC.

-- CG was asked to advertise for Nike. There was a moment of confusion until I realized that she was blabbing on about doing a marathon. Turns out she was talking about a marathon of Lifetime made for TV movies (and I mean, COME ON! Who hasn't done one of those!) But now she's going to do some goggle ads for Nike on the net. Whatever. close enough

-- THEN, I totally spotted a picture of what looked like Little Debbie. There was a tall man standing near it - assuming there might be free samples, I made a beeline for the picture (I may have knocked over an old lady using a walker, but the bitch wouldn't get out of the way!! Everyone knows free samples go like hotcakes at these type of things!) When I got there, I realized it was just a stupid sign. So I started bitching about how Little Debbie is a cheap whore who never stays around after a night of drinking -- and/or after I open the box. The man looked at me strangely...so I began to wax poetic about how I have loved Little Debbie my whole life long, but how I can never seem to keep her around.

I'm now the new spokesperson for Little Debbie. They're going to re-design my blog and put some little debbie nonsense on it. Sadly though, they did not offer me a year's supply. I can only assume that the man realized that my definition of "year's supply" would likely differ greatly from theirs.

The rest of the night was kind of a blur....we arrived home with lots of swag bags - although, I think we might have stolen them. Let's just all agree not to bring it up if you see us. I also think they think we were going to speak to one of the sessions for humor bloggers. Someone probably should have mentioned this sooner. We're both not really sure what the hell we're going to talk about.

Anyway, feel free to say hey if you see us on Friday at the Oprah booth! Naturally, we will pretend like we've never seen you before (especially if Oprah - or anyone who might know or live near Oprah is nearby), but it's not personal. It's simply because we're totally better than you guys now.

Little Debbie and Nike have spoken. We ROCK! As such, I think it would just be for the best if nobody questions their judgment.

We Interrupt This Training...

I've had a change of plans people!! Although it may delay my reunion with the Hubby on Friday night, it will DEFINITELY be worth it!!! Go see Comedy Goddess for more details!!! However, you may address me as Mrs. Ambassador!

Anyway, I just thought I would leave you with some key quotes (that I remembered and/or was awake for) during my briefings today because when taken out of context (of course) made me laugh:


"I've got four months until I'm eligible for retirement. Please direct any comments to the mistletoe stapled to my ass."

"The new generation of workers doesn't understand the need for PC regulations. They are the first color/gender/race-blind generation. So how the hell do you tell the 70 year old worker that two of the new people are homosexual? -- 'Two of them are gay! Go see if you can tell which ones?!' . . . the man was seriously confused, he just kept repeating, "but she's PRETTY! Why would she be gay?!"

"This job seriously sucks!"

"We often forget that technology is not normal for some of our workforce. An older gentleman dropped his cell phone into the toilet - after I contemplated (for a long while) exactly how or why that happened - I figured it wasn't so bad. -- Then I was told that he put it into the microwave to dry it out."

I Know What REAL Pain Is....

OMFG!!! I think I am a victim of torture!!! I shit you not...today was SOOO damn painful. Not only was it LONG -- I was forced to sit there and pretend to listen for literally eights of hours -- it was also EXTREMELY boring.

Now granted, some of the blame might belong to me -- I SAID MIGHT -- so anyway, YES...I might have ended up watching stupid Mama Mia on HBO for what might have been the 4th time since I arrived here in the States and re-found the TV (what can I say?? That shit is both entertaining and addicting! Although my neighbors in the hotel might not agree with my premise). And said TV watching MIGHT have kept me up until almost midnight on what might have been a school night. This whole perfect shit storm is compounded when you take into consideration that the briefings started at like 0700!! (And let me just interject here....0700!?!?! We're the USG! WTF!?)

Anyway, so my point is (and I think I might have one) I started my day out very sleepy. It just got worse from there!

I arrived early enough to get a cup of coffee. I elbowed my way to the front and grabbed the last of the paper cups and took what sounded like it might have also been the last cup of coffee -- ha HA SUCKAHS! You snooze, you lose!

Now since this is ME we're talking about here (and I mean really, have we EVER talked about anything or anyone else? Why are you guys surprised by this at this stage?) Anyway, I started to suspect foul play about 15 minutes into the first speaker when my eyes started to roll back into my head. Do you remember when you were in school and you were trying to pay attention, but you have to focus all your energy on keeping your eyes open?! Well, take that feeling and times it by five! That was me today!!!

So I'm sitting there, willing my eyes to remain open and they totally went out of focus! So then I started to worry that maybe my eyes had crossed - because it was all blurry and I was seeing like two of everything. But I couldn't seem to focus them again! I couldn't keep them open AND focused! However, I was too scared to close them for fear that I would fall into a deep sleep and fall off my chair and hit my head on the table, knocking out a front tooth, effectively rendering me hideous and witch-like for my re-introduction to my husband on Friday -- I simply couldn't risk it I tell you!!! I was forced to suffer in silence - although there might have been some sighing going on....

SO THEN I was all worried that the speaker was actually looking at me and my eyes were all glassy and crossed-- because it LOOKED like the stupid person was looking at me!! But I couldn't be sure because I was so damn tired and they were sounding like Charlie Brown's teacher.... So I then started to fidget in my chair -- which immediately made me have to go to the bathroom.

The speakers blathered on about something -- I'm honestly not really sure what they were talking about. Seriously, I am pretty sure that they were speaking English as I thought I understood what the individual words themselves meant - but when they're all together? no clue.

This literally went on for about 2 hours before they gave us a break. By this time, I was literally praying for death or some kind of terrorist attack so that I could get out of my chair. Luckily, it didn't come to that - they gave us a 10 minute break (WTF USG!? TEN MINUTES? Have some damn pity of those of us who are actively praying for death...) and I could use the restroom. As such, I didn't come to social ruin this morning...there is still till the end of the week though - give it time.

ANYWAY, when I arrived back in the room I went back to get another cup of coffee -- hoping that they had refilled the stupid pot - and I noticed that the coffee pot I hogged earlier was DECAF! (DAMNITT! When will I learn not to be all piggy!?)

WTF!?! WHO THE HELL MAKES DECAF!? If you're not drinking coffee for the caffeine, you should just have a damn glass of juice! DO NOT clog up the area with that damn decaf. MAKE TWO EFF'IN POTS OF REGULAR COFFEE IN THE AM...ESPECIALLY if you're going to make us sit through people reading off of power point presentations that they obviously have never seen prior to its projection on the big screen!

I shit you not, one guy seemed almost surprised by the information on the screen. (Now I kinda wonder what he was saying -- I really should ask someone). So fast forward 8 hours and 10 cups of caffeinated coffee later - I'm sitting in my hotel room...wide awake....watching Mama Mia!!

So when you're near me, Darling can't you hear me..SOS....

I might need some kind of Abba Intervention.

It Has Come To My Attention...

That I might not be as charming as I like to think I am! I realize that many of you may be shocked by this revelation, but I'm afraid, it's TRUE. Although my downward spiral into self-absorption began LONG before I met my husband, he pretty much has been the only one (I actually listened to) to tell me as much -- and live to tell about it. As a result, I'm continually shocked that we actually managed to get married.

Josh and I met in Algiers, Algeria at the Embassy there. Someone invited him to go to a dinner out at a restaurant not long after he arrived at Post. We all went to this restaurant and the waiter came to ask for our drinks. Josh goes, "I'll have a Coca-Cola Classic, please." Unable to control my inner smart-ass, I blurted out "As opposed to New Coke?!" (I KNOW! RIGHT!? I'm totally hilarious! Seriously, I totally get a kick outta myself. I don't need anybody else!!)

Josh says that this was the exact moment he realized how he felt about me and he just knew that he totally hated my guts.

However, I was undeterred. I cannot stand it if people openly hate me, so I pestered him until he conceded defeat, Eventually, I wore him down to the point where he agreed to marry me (probably to get me to shut up). I have no doubt that he has regretted that decision on a daily basis. But it's too late now! Ha HA! SUCKAH!

Boys are dumb.

So obviously, my favorite subject is me. Is that so wrong?!

That's what I thought.

So, since we're already on that subject (me), let me tell you about the moment that I knew that Josh was (or might be) the one for me. Josh was taking online college courses while he was at the Embassy and I was serving as his proctor for the exams. He had a test scheduled, and I agreed to meet him at the Embassy and log him onto the exam. When I walked into the Embassy, Josh was waiting. He was sitting at the computer wearing a pair of glasses, studying his books.

"I didn't know you wore glasses!"

"I don't. I only wear them for tests because I think it makes me look smarter."

"You do know it doesn't actually MAKE you any smarter though?! You did study, RIGHT?" Josh just gave me a disgusted look like I was the crazy one in the room.

Seriously, you gotta love anyone that can openly embrace their inner crazy like that.

Obviously, we're a match made in heaven!!

Shhh....Nobody Tell.....

So this weekend I have plans (again) to go shopping with some friends. This time, however, I'm headed to the outlet mall -- I figured I needed to get out of this hotel attached to the Galleria Mall because, every day when I walk by the Burberry Store out front of the hotel, I'm starting to think that $1,795 for a purse is not actually that much.... (I suspect Josh may feel differently, but I'm just guessing.) Therefore, I'm doing Josh a favor by going to the outlet mall. I'm saving him money!!

My GOD, I'm such a good person sometimes! It totally amazes me how good I am!!

That said, I would appreciate it if you guys (and when I say "you guys" I mean mom and other mom - both conveniently named Debbie) would not mention to Josh that I am headed to said outlet mall. I mean, even though I'm doing a selfless act and all, there is no way on Earth he will understand and support my selfless act -- What I'm trying to say is, he's going to freak out if I buy one more thing, so let's just try not to upset him needlessly before I finally see him again...OKAY?!?!

It's for the children. (And when I say "children," I mean me.)

ANYWAY, I've obviously figured out the secret to popularity: Leave the country. Seriously, when you return for some random reason - EVERYONE will want to go out to drinks or dinner with you, and (best of all) they will ALL want to hear your stories.

My GOD! Do you have any idea how great it is when people actually LISTEN to your blather?! That's some heady stuff man.

I should write a self-help book. Who knew being popular was so damn easy!? I'll make a fortune!!! (Which is a good thing since I will likely spend a fortune this afternoon)... So, who wants to reserve the first one!?

I Managed to Find a Way...

Yes I finally did it! I figured out how to turn what SOUNDS like it would be a healthy dinner into something that is akin to eating a bowl of bacon bits - but MY GOD this is yummy!!!


TAH DAH! CRISPY DUCK SALAD!




I realize that many of you thought it couldn't be done...and are currently in awe of my skills, but let this be a valuable lesson to you: NEVER doubt my ability to find some sort of fattening option to what would normally be good for you! Seriously, if you haven't done so, you have GOT to try this. Crispy Duck Salad ROCKS, and yet contains no lettuce or any other item that may be classified as "healthy" (except maybe the celery part - but I figured that was just garnish and picked that crap out). Apparently, in Thai culture (which is sooooo much better than our own) they place the salad UNDER the cabbage bowl, so as not to taint your crispity goodness with its greenery.

Next to the Belgiums and their Chocolates, I got to give Thai Culture snaps for their ability to redefine "salad" into something waaaay yummier than what we have.

Lettuce is for Losers.

Today, My Suspicions were Confirmed!

So today I was hanging around downtown DC pretty much on and off all day while I waited for random people to be ready to "see" me. Apparently, word has gotten out that one might need to prepare themselves to deal with me on a one-on-one basis. (For the record, I would like to note that you're probably not ever going to be adequately prepared for any meeting in which I am a participant. I suspect it is best to just get it over with as quickly as possible....kinda like ripping off a band aid...)

Anyway, so as I was hanging around by myself doing my favorite hobby -- people watching -- or, as I like to call it, playing Judgey McJudy -- it came to me; I'm a Bitch.

Now I know that many of you may have suspected as much (and I fear my parents will likely be disappointed to have their suspicions confirmed publicly) but I now know it's true. How do I know this you ask? Well, besides, the obvious bitch-like tendencies I exhibit on a daily basis, I observed the following scenario:

I'm sitting outside of Caribou Coffee, minding my own business - with nowhere to go and pretty much nothing to do until my 3:00 meeting -- and I spotted a very rare species in downtown DC (and not on a crazy homeless person, mind you) I spotted a woman (with a high end name-brand purse, which made it all the more rare and confusing) wearing what appeared to be a peach skirt and a mint green blouse, paired with a banana clip and tennis shoes with scrunchy socks a la Summer, 1984!!!

So I judged. And then I immediately began to search for my cell phone. MY GOD! I had to call someone!! The 80s were not only alive and well, they were coming back to haunt me!!!

Then I remembered two things: (1) Who the hell am I gonna call? (Minoy actually works and Liz moved to Naples - probably to get away from my constant phone calls and text messages.... ); and (2) I don't have a cell phone here in the states anymore.

So then as I sat all by myself, I contemplated my bitchiness. Why the hell can't I just let that pass?? What is WRONG with me?!

SO, I decided to do something about it. I was going to (once again) attempt to be a better person. I was going to be nicer to people. I was going to be kind to strangers and not be so judgey!

And then two tourists approached me and ruined it all.

Seriously, God is clearly Eff'in with me!! Right after I made my promise to try to be a better person, two ladies sat down at the table with me. THEY SERIOUSLY JUST SAT RIGHT DOWN...and there were OPEN TABLES. (I have issues with my personal space) One lady asked me if I lived in DC, and without waiting for my answer proceeded to tell me that they were here from Iowa and that DC sure had changed since the last time they were here back in 1987 (amazingly enough, they were NOT wearing the 80s ensemble above) and how they didn't think there would be a Caribou Coffee here in DC, although they knew that there was PROBABLY going to be a Starbucks (there is a Starbucks in Baghdad PEOPLE! DC is not a stretch), they were surprised to see a Caribou Coffee.

Then they asked me if it had the same things on the menu.

I was wrong. I cannot be a better person. I'm a bitch and I need to just own it. I have no patience, and I have become the rude stereotypical east coast city dweller. I should just get a cell phone and simply call Minoy's voice mail to inform her of my newest 80s sighting in public.

I'll just be kind to animals instead. I think that's the best we can hope for at this point. (But not spiders!! I'm just trying to be a little better - I'm not running for JESUS!)