I Know What REAL Pain Is....

OMFG!!! I think I am a victim of torture!!! I shit you not...today was SOOO damn painful. Not only was it LONG -- I was forced to sit there and pretend to listen for literally eights of hours -- it was also EXTREMELY boring.

Now granted, some of the blame might belong to me -- I SAID MIGHT -- so anyway, YES...I might have ended up watching stupid Mama Mia on HBO for what might have been the 4th time since I arrived here in the States and re-found the TV (what can I say?? That shit is both entertaining and addicting! Although my neighbors in the hotel might not agree with my premise). And said TV watching MIGHT have kept me up until almost midnight on what might have been a school night. This whole perfect shit storm is compounded when you take into consideration that the briefings started at like 0700!! (And let me just interject here....0700!?!?! We're the USG! WTF!?)

Anyway, so my point is (and I think I might have one) I started my day out very sleepy. It just got worse from there!

I arrived early enough to get a cup of coffee. I elbowed my way to the front and grabbed the last of the paper cups and took what sounded like it might have also been the last cup of coffee -- ha HA SUCKAHS! You snooze, you lose!

Now since this is ME we're talking about here (and I mean really, have we EVER talked about anything or anyone else? Why are you guys surprised by this at this stage?) Anyway, I started to suspect foul play about 15 minutes into the first speaker when my eyes started to roll back into my head. Do you remember when you were in school and you were trying to pay attention, but you have to focus all your energy on keeping your eyes open?! Well, take that feeling and times it by five! That was me today!!!

So I'm sitting there, willing my eyes to remain open and they totally went out of focus! So then I started to worry that maybe my eyes had crossed - because it was all blurry and I was seeing like two of everything. But I couldn't seem to focus them again! I couldn't keep them open AND focused! However, I was too scared to close them for fear that I would fall into a deep sleep and fall off my chair and hit my head on the table, knocking out a front tooth, effectively rendering me hideous and witch-like for my re-introduction to my husband on Friday -- I simply couldn't risk it I tell you!!! I was forced to suffer in silence - although there might have been some sighing going on....

SO THEN I was all worried that the speaker was actually looking at me and my eyes were all glassy and crossed-- because it LOOKED like the stupid person was looking at me!! But I couldn't be sure because I was so damn tired and they were sounding like Charlie Brown's teacher.... So I then started to fidget in my chair -- which immediately made me have to go to the bathroom.

The speakers blathered on about something -- I'm honestly not really sure what they were talking about. Seriously, I am pretty sure that they were speaking English as I thought I understood what the individual words themselves meant - but when they're all together? no clue.

This literally went on for about 2 hours before they gave us a break. By this time, I was literally praying for death or some kind of terrorist attack so that I could get out of my chair. Luckily, it didn't come to that - they gave us a 10 minute break (WTF USG!? TEN MINUTES? Have some damn pity of those of us who are actively praying for death...) and I could use the restroom. As such, I didn't come to social ruin this morning...there is still till the end of the week though - give it time.

ANYWAY, when I arrived back in the room I went back to get another cup of coffee -- hoping that they had refilled the stupid pot - and I noticed that the coffee pot I hogged earlier was DECAF! (DAMNITT! When will I learn not to be all piggy!?)

WTF!?! WHO THE HELL MAKES DECAF!? If you're not drinking coffee for the caffeine, you should just have a damn glass of juice! DO NOT clog up the area with that damn decaf. MAKE TWO EFF'IN POTS OF REGULAR COFFEE IN THE AM...ESPECIALLY if you're going to make us sit through people reading off of power point presentations that they obviously have never seen prior to its projection on the big screen!

I shit you not, one guy seemed almost surprised by the information on the screen. (Now I kinda wonder what he was saying -- I really should ask someone). So fast forward 8 hours and 10 cups of caffeinated coffee later - I'm sitting in my hotel room...wide awake....watching Mama Mia!!

So when you're near me, Darling can't you hear me..SOS....

I might need some kind of Abba Intervention.

It Has Come To My Attention...

That I might not be as charming as I like to think I am! I realize that many of you may be shocked by this revelation, but I'm afraid, it's TRUE. Although my downward spiral into self-absorption began LONG before I met my husband, he pretty much has been the only one (I actually listened to) to tell me as much -- and live to tell about it. As a result, I'm continually shocked that we actually managed to get married.

Josh and I met in Algiers, Algeria at the Embassy there. Someone invited him to go to a dinner out at a restaurant not long after he arrived at Post. We all went to this restaurant and the waiter came to ask for our drinks. Josh goes, "I'll have a Coca-Cola Classic, please." Unable to control my inner smart-ass, I blurted out "As opposed to New Coke?!" (I KNOW! RIGHT!? I'm totally hilarious! Seriously, I totally get a kick outta myself. I don't need anybody else!!)

Josh says that this was the exact moment he realized how he felt about me and he just knew that he totally hated my guts.

However, I was undeterred. I cannot stand it if people openly hate me, so I pestered him until he conceded defeat, Eventually, I wore him down to the point where he agreed to marry me (probably to get me to shut up). I have no doubt that he has regretted that decision on a daily basis. But it's too late now! Ha HA! SUCKAH!

Boys are dumb.

So obviously, my favorite subject is me. Is that so wrong?!

That's what I thought.

So, since we're already on that subject (me), let me tell you about the moment that I knew that Josh was (or might be) the one for me. Josh was taking online college courses while he was at the Embassy and I was serving as his proctor for the exams. He had a test scheduled, and I agreed to meet him at the Embassy and log him onto the exam. When I walked into the Embassy, Josh was waiting. He was sitting at the computer wearing a pair of glasses, studying his books.

"I didn't know you wore glasses!"

"I don't. I only wear them for tests because I think it makes me look smarter."

"You do know it doesn't actually MAKE you any smarter though?! You did study, RIGHT?" Josh just gave me a disgusted look like I was the crazy one in the room.

Seriously, you gotta love anyone that can openly embrace their inner crazy like that.

Obviously, we're a match made in heaven!!

Shhh....Nobody Tell.....

So this weekend I have plans (again) to go shopping with some friends. This time, however, I'm headed to the outlet mall -- I figured I needed to get out of this hotel attached to the Galleria Mall because, every day when I walk by the Burberry Store out front of the hotel, I'm starting to think that $1,795 for a purse is not actually that much.... (I suspect Josh may feel differently, but I'm just guessing.) Therefore, I'm doing Josh a favor by going to the outlet mall. I'm saving him money!!

My GOD, I'm such a good person sometimes! It totally amazes me how good I am!!

That said, I would appreciate it if you guys (and when I say "you guys" I mean mom and other mom - both conveniently named Debbie) would not mention to Josh that I am headed to said outlet mall. I mean, even though I'm doing a selfless act and all, there is no way on Earth he will understand and support my selfless act -- What I'm trying to say is, he's going to freak out if I buy one more thing, so let's just try not to upset him needlessly before I finally see him again...OKAY?!?!

It's for the children. (And when I say "children," I mean me.)

ANYWAY, I've obviously figured out the secret to popularity: Leave the country. Seriously, when you return for some random reason - EVERYONE will want to go out to drinks or dinner with you, and (best of all) they will ALL want to hear your stories.

My GOD! Do you have any idea how great it is when people actually LISTEN to your blather?! That's some heady stuff man.

I should write a self-help book. Who knew being popular was so damn easy!? I'll make a fortune!!! (Which is a good thing since I will likely spend a fortune this afternoon)... So, who wants to reserve the first one!?

I Managed to Find a Way...

Yes I finally did it! I figured out how to turn what SOUNDS like it would be a healthy dinner into something that is akin to eating a bowl of bacon bits - but MY GOD this is yummy!!!


TAH DAH! CRISPY DUCK SALAD!




I realize that many of you thought it couldn't be done...and are currently in awe of my skills, but let this be a valuable lesson to you: NEVER doubt my ability to find some sort of fattening option to what would normally be good for you! Seriously, if you haven't done so, you have GOT to try this. Crispy Duck Salad ROCKS, and yet contains no lettuce or any other item that may be classified as "healthy" (except maybe the celery part - but I figured that was just garnish and picked that crap out). Apparently, in Thai culture (which is sooooo much better than our own) they place the salad UNDER the cabbage bowl, so as not to taint your crispity goodness with its greenery.

Next to the Belgiums and their Chocolates, I got to give Thai Culture snaps for their ability to redefine "salad" into something waaaay yummier than what we have.

Lettuce is for Losers.

Today, My Suspicions were Confirmed!

So today I was hanging around downtown DC pretty much on and off all day while I waited for random people to be ready to "see" me. Apparently, word has gotten out that one might need to prepare themselves to deal with me on a one-on-one basis. (For the record, I would like to note that you're probably not ever going to be adequately prepared for any meeting in which I am a participant. I suspect it is best to just get it over with as quickly as possible....kinda like ripping off a band aid...)

Anyway, so as I was hanging around by myself doing my favorite hobby -- people watching -- or, as I like to call it, playing Judgey McJudy -- it came to me; I'm a Bitch.

Now I know that many of you may have suspected as much (and I fear my parents will likely be disappointed to have their suspicions confirmed publicly) but I now know it's true. How do I know this you ask? Well, besides, the obvious bitch-like tendencies I exhibit on a daily basis, I observed the following scenario:

I'm sitting outside of Caribou Coffee, minding my own business - with nowhere to go and pretty much nothing to do until my 3:00 meeting -- and I spotted a very rare species in downtown DC (and not on a crazy homeless person, mind you) I spotted a woman (with a high end name-brand purse, which made it all the more rare and confusing) wearing what appeared to be a peach skirt and a mint green blouse, paired with a banana clip and tennis shoes with scrunchy socks a la Summer, 1984!!!

So I judged. And then I immediately began to search for my cell phone. MY GOD! I had to call someone!! The 80s were not only alive and well, they were coming back to haunt me!!!

Then I remembered two things: (1) Who the hell am I gonna call? (Minoy actually works and Liz moved to Naples - probably to get away from my constant phone calls and text messages.... ); and (2) I don't have a cell phone here in the states anymore.

So then as I sat all by myself, I contemplated my bitchiness. Why the hell can't I just let that pass?? What is WRONG with me?!

SO, I decided to do something about it. I was going to (once again) attempt to be a better person. I was going to be nicer to people. I was going to be kind to strangers and not be so judgey!

And then two tourists approached me and ruined it all.

Seriously, God is clearly Eff'in with me!! Right after I made my promise to try to be a better person, two ladies sat down at the table with me. THEY SERIOUSLY JUST SAT RIGHT DOWN...and there were OPEN TABLES. (I have issues with my personal space) One lady asked me if I lived in DC, and without waiting for my answer proceeded to tell me that they were here from Iowa and that DC sure had changed since the last time they were here back in 1987 (amazingly enough, they were NOT wearing the 80s ensemble above) and how they didn't think there would be a Caribou Coffee here in DC, although they knew that there was PROBABLY going to be a Starbucks (there is a Starbucks in Baghdad PEOPLE! DC is not a stretch), they were surprised to see a Caribou Coffee.

Then they asked me if it had the same things on the menu.

I was wrong. I cannot be a better person. I'm a bitch and I need to just own it. I have no patience, and I have become the rude stereotypical east coast city dweller. I should just get a cell phone and simply call Minoy's voice mail to inform her of my newest 80s sighting in public.

I'll just be kind to animals instead. I think that's the best we can hope for at this point. (But not spiders!! I'm just trying to be a little better - I'm not running for JESUS!)

I Know I Totally Didn't Sign Up for This!!!

Okay, so I'm back for some mandatory training that the USG thinks will make me a better person. (Obviously, they do not actually KNOW me, or they wouldn't be wasting everyone's time like this...) One of the things I'm "learning" is about leadership. Apparently (and I never have been and never will be in the military) leaders are supposed to "care" and "inspire" their subordinates and colleagues.

Did you guys know this?? Why wasn't I told in advance?? Why am I just finding this out now!?!?!

I am not positive, but I think my total aversion to people and listening to anything that any other person might have to say could potentially impact my ability to lead and/or inspire. But I'm just guessing here.... PLUS, these people (and clearly, they were crazy people) were yammering at me ALL DAY LONG about how I'm supposed to KNOW the people who work in my office (which I assume means I'm going to have to make an effort to learn their respective names). Apparently, calling everyone "other Steve" or "new lady I have never actually met" can be offensive to people.

Clearly, we have a generational problem at play here. Why back in my day, I was thankful to be called "purely decorative, no skills" by the senior partner at the law office. (Frankly, he kinda had a point.) Today's kids aren't simply thankful that someone is willing to pay them for showing up (like I am)! They expect their "leaders" to ask about their families, their hopes, dreams, and future career aspirations. And here is where it gets outrageous: We're not allowed to just nod and pretend to listen to what they have to say. We're supposed to actually DO something about it.

Today was obviously very upsetting for me. In addition to this leading and inspiring nonsense, I was also told that I was supposed to understand and be able to articulate what it is I say I do for the USG.

They said some other stuff too, but I pretty much stopped listening because it was simply becoming waaay too upsetting for me. There is NO WAY I can learn all these names and be expected to actually speak directly to these people!

What happened to the position where women were seen and not heard in the workplace?! When did that all go away? And, more importantly....which one of you F'd it up for the rest of us!?!??!

So Far Behind and So Much to Say....

So as I am sure many of you are already aware, time management and doing anything in moderation have never been my strong suits. I'm almost positive that I MUST have some strengths, but it seems that I can only seem to identify my weaknesses. What I would LIKE (for a damn change) is to figure these things out NOT via "valuable lessons" learned through huge mistakes. Also, I would like for me to be able to remember these "valuable lessons" past the day that I actually learned them.

Take for instance my strict adherence to the self-imposed rule, never go out on a school night. So my time management and lack of moderation flaws really managed to rear their ugly heads this weekend.

Seems I jam-packed my schedule. (Which really isn't like me, because I'm pretty lazy...) So now I have THREE days worth of crap to spout about and many of you are without my insightful and educational comments on your blogs. (I KNOW! It's a tragedy, frankly!)

Friday: Had dinner with some friends - former cops. Went over what to do in the invent I am charged with a crime. Let's face it. Its obviously only a matter of time before I turn to a life of crime. Chances are (because I'm not that bright and am hideously lazy) that I will likely get caught. Therefore, it's good information to have. Downside: I probably should have paid closer attention when they were talking. As it turns out, sometimes stuff can be helpful and interesting when it is NOT actually about me. (I was as shocked as many of you are myself!) (no photos, forgot camera. Hotel room was literally 10s of steps away from the restaurant. There was no way I was going back for it. I'm sure I'll remember what they look like....or their names....sure....)

Saturday: Met Otin and Hit40 (and her family) at Cheesecake. I TOTALLY HATED THEM.



Okay, so no I didn't. I really liked them, but it totally would have been a waaay better story if I had hated them and we ended up in a big ole cheesecake fistfight. Although, truth be told, there was a touchy moment there when Hit40 suggested that dessert be shared (!!) I was speechless that it was even suggested and was considering throwing my fork into her eyeball, but then I realized she was talking to Otin, not me, and then I calmed down.

Let me repeat (for safety reasons): I DO NOT SHARE! (see Josh and/or Liz for further details)

Sunday: I went to visit my babies!!! They are both REALLY happy (which was kinda insulting, frankly...Would it kill them to at least PRETEND like they were simply missing me the whole time!?!?) Naturally, Poods (aka Jack) was all excited and kissy at first, but then remembered that he was pissed at me for leaving him behind so he preceeded to ignore me for the rest of the visit. The boy hold grudges. (Where the hell does that come from??)



So at first, he would sit in the room near me, but with his back to me and would refuse to look at me. Then, he gave up and went to his bedroom (Alan gave him his own room so he could have the whole bed. Jack also doesn't like to share either). Jack pretty much said, "thanks for stopping by....you are dead to me." Had to force him to give me a kiss goodbye!


Jack is an ass.



Kernel on the other hand, was snuggly and lovey the whole time. One thing I forgot about him though: He is disgusting. The boy sheds, drools and puts slobbery toys in your lap, licks anything near him and likes to sit on top of me. I miss that guy. I don't miss his drooley mess.



Both of them are clearly spoiled rotten and live on 10 acres. They currently have better housing than I do.

And then Sunday night, I met up with a friend for drinks at 7 and didn't get in until almost 0100! Anyone that knows me, knows that I have two speeds when it comes to drinking: Stop, and Yahoo. I woke up this morning by the Grace of God frankly. And the July Miracle? I wasn't late for work!!!

Worst part about this trip so far: They are continuing to make me actually attend work and talk about work related things.

I think I've been pretty clear that I'm not really Work-ey. Must we go over this time and time again!?