Some Important Things to Consider....

when returning to the US from Sudan:

(1) You do not have diplomatic immunity. This is (apparently) key. When you're in the US you have to actually park where you are allowed and drive the posted speed limits. Further, you can't just walk up to the front of lines and stuff. But my question to you is: WHY!? WHY CAN'T I? To be perfectly honest, I've become accustomed to a certain lifestyle and it is frankly cruel to cut me off cold turkey. I can't just go from being all important-ey and stuff to a big ole nobody!? I'm pretty sure the Geneva Convention covers this. (Someone should really look into this. I suspect I might have been wronged.)

(2) DC has about 472% humidity in the summer. Doing your hair is a waste of time. Sure, it may look all pretty(ish) when you leave your hotel room, but by the time you reach your car - you might have well just slept in. You will have the same hair-do that you had when you woke up. Remember why the pony-tail used to be your best friend.

(3) Work sucks. However, even though work sucks...if you love to shop (and I seriously heart shopping), it is very VERY important to keep in mind that you have to actually PAY for the stuff that you buy. Therefore, you should remember that you need to suck up to the people at work in case they figure out that you've been faking it for the last decade. (Before that, I was learning, that doesn't count.)

(4) It takes more than 8 minutes to get to work. It takes more than 8 minutes to get out of the hotel parking lot.

(5) It is not a good decision to re-find TV on a school night. You cannot be trusted to go to bed without Josh to tell you it is time to turn off the TV and go to bed.

And Now, the Rest of the Story....

So apparently, my life has pretty much turned into one of those stories that they used to tell in the olden days to teach little kids lessons. As many of you may have gathered, I tend to lean toward the drama because everybody knows a story is MUCH MUCH better if you don't cloud it with "facts" and "actual dialogue" or "what actually happened." In my experience, if I tell a story that I think could or should have happened that way, they are totally more interesting.

As such, most of you probably thought that I was "exaggerating" or "lying" when I wrote that I couldn't find my effin passport(s). I must admit that as I read through yesterday's comments that I was a bit surprised by how cruel and flip many of you were, how there was NO SYMPATHY at all for my plight (and it WAS a plight, I tell you)!!! Therefore, I have to conclude that, much like that boy who cried wolf, many of you didn't actually believe my story. (I assume that today 4 and 20 blackbirds are going to come flying out of a pie and I'll find mice in my tub, in keeping with the story. Or was I going to end up living in a shoe with a large egg named humpty sitting on the wall? Whatever. You get it.)

If only yesterday had been one of those "Facts Are Strictly Optional" moments...
I actually DID lose both of my passports.

I had to go beg the Consular officer to issue me an emergency tourist passport. (Which, amazingly enough, he totally did - after I paid him what he called the "you're a stupid ass" fee. ) The Embassy issued me a new passport in less than 3 hours. I am quite impressed with either our government or my own ability to harass, cry and threaten until people make stuff happen just to make me go away.

So the story ends and all is good, right?? No.

We're only at the middle of the story - where everyone THINKS they're going to live happily ever after, but then there's always a twist!!!

Sudan didn't want to let me OUT of the country because, inside my lost passport was the 2 year visa they issued me for the privilege of working in Sudan. Turns out, if you are in Sudan illegally (without a diplomatic passport - which cannot be issued in Khartoum) the Sudanese assume you're up to no good. And will want you to be a guest of the government for being in the country illegally.

So, with the help of the newly sainted Anna-Maria (I didn't even have to add the catholic saint-making name - she already came with it!) a dip note was sent to the Sudanese government and we begged for them to send me a letter letting the guys at the airport know that I'm not Evil, Just STUPID and, therefore, to set me free.

The letter was in Arabic - I totally wish I knew what it said, but can only assume it went like this:

To Whom it May Concern:

May the Peace and Blessings of Allah be upon you. Standing before you is an idiot who works at the Embassy of the Great Satan. She has lost her passports because obviously, she is a stupid western Ho. (NO! DON'T LOOK AT HER!)

Although it may appear that she is in our blessed country illegally, in reality, she has diplomatic status. -- Please ask to see her diplomatic ID card issued by Sudan now..I'll wait (insert muzak here) -- Good, you're back. I assume she forgot that as well? If so, please make 15 phone calls pretending to verify her story. Once completed continue to para three.

Please feel free to ask her a number of questions at this point - questions she will not know the answer to, such as "what is your address in Khartoum?" When she tries to tell you the US Embassy, look at her like she is an idiot, but ask her where she physically lives - it'll totally be funny. Now seriously, she won't know. We don't have street addresses that are posted. She'll just know how to describe where she is...pretend you just moved here. Seriously, it'll be hilarious.

ha HA! I told you!!

Now ask for her local phone number and roll your eyes when she tries to hand you her card and/or look at the back of her cell phone to find out. Seriously, that really annoys her. Watch her face, she'll totally start to roll her eyes and then remember she has to be nice to you. The eye-roll will seamlessly merge into a sunny smile. SEE!? hahaha

Okay, that's great. This was fun. Thank you for your assistance in this regard. We can only push this Embassy so far, we kinda still want some stuff from them.

Have a Happy Nice Day!!!

Mohammad al- Sudani
Ministry of Foreign Affairs

PS Right before she thinks she has made it out, do me one last favor, would you??? Inform her that because she is traveling on a tourist passport, she has to go pay the "exit tax" before she can leave. Point to the really long line off to the right of you. It'll be waaay funny.

Warning: Those Old Adages Might Do You Wrong!

Remember all those old adages that everyone lives by? They were passed down from generation to generation....things like, "Never pet at burning dog" or "the sun always rises in the east and sets in the west - unless of course you're standing in the south and facing north and/or you have no idea which way east or west IS unless you are physically in your car (not the older one, but the newer one) that has that compass and temperature thing in it??

Two problems with these adages: (1) I might have gotten some of them wrong; and/or (2) I might have either made them up, or my father told them to me (which is, frankly, equally bad)!!! For example:

"Why Do Today What You Could Potentially Put Off Until Tomorrow." Why? WHY?? I'll tell you WHY!!!! Because SOMETIMES (if you're me) and you put off doing stuff - like say, packing or cooking, or remembering what day your housekeeper actually comes during the week when you plan a dinner party, you might actually have some issues that come up on the day that you are supposed to leave and host said dinner party.

For instance, I have to be in DC at work on Thursday. I have also made plans to go to dinner with friends on Thursday. Therefore, I am going to need CLOTHES to go to work and to dinner on THURSDAY. It is 0530 and my suitcase STILL sits empty on the floor in my room waiting to be filled with the the clothes (most of them waay random and in no way thought out) that I have taken out of the closets and/or drawers last night because I thought "I just might need these" in my frenzy to actually do something starting about midnight, when I realized it was now tomorrow!!

I have meetings ALL DAY today and do not actually have any time in my "schedule" (still not really sure what that IS or why I insist on having one) to stay home and pack the aforementioned clothing. In addition, I seem to have also planned a dinner party this evening. (that now starts at 6:30 pm with strict instructions for everyone to get the hell out of my house by 10 pm because the driver picks me up at 10:30 to go to the airport) and I have realized that I do not actually have anything to serve as a beverage at said dinner party. Mind you, I called my cook last night in a frenzy begging her to cook for me for 15 people (FYI, that woman can really negotiate what she would call a fair price and what I would call highway robbery!! )

It's funny how cultures are soo different in some ways.

And finally, for the coup de gras, it has also come to my attention (about midnight last night) that I have NO IDEA where my mother f'n passport is located. I suspect it might have went to Dar es Salaam for one of those Gucci Safaris that everyone (read me, in its presence) has been talking about!

Luckily for me, I keep both the diplomatic and tourist passport together - in one safe place!!! UNLUCKILY, as it turns out, I have no idea where that safe place is!

SERIOUSLY! WHERE THE EFFING HELL IS MY MOTHER EFFING PASSPORT!?!

Which brings us to our last adage that just may screw me today:

"Do Unto Others as You Suspect they Might Have Done Unto You and then Give Them What You Believe Should Be Done Unto Them."

I realize many of you may be thinking to yourself, "You work at the Embassy! Just get yourself a new one!" However, "SCREW YOU!" I also work for the US Government and we all know that NOTHING can be done simply or quickly (and when I say "quickly," I mean, by 10 pm tonight). ESPECIALLY when you might have been just a LITTLE bit snotty to the guy in the Consular Section because he never gets your jokes and always just stares at you like you're a crazy person....but I mean SERIOUSLY, Whatever dude! So I made a SMALL mistake and thought you were sexually harassing me when you said "good morning" to me in the hallway and then followed me in the Embassy...I mean, how the hell was I to know that your office was in the same general direction as mine? ANYONE COULD HAVE MADE THE SAME MISTAKE!! Anyone.

I'm sure that one day (when the mandatory 10 years has passed for harassment complaints to remain in your personnel file) you will realize that it was an honest mistake and that maybe it WAS actually that other lady who is no longer at the Embassy and that nobody really remembers anymore - but I'm sure we all couldn't stand, fyi, and not really ME (as I will be claiming today), who did that!

So bottom line: NEVER listen to old people who try to pass on those damn adages!! Which, frankly, is what I do most of the time! I should have never started trying to Learn new things. JUST LOOK Where it got me!

So, bottom line: today's plans in my busy schedule, probably not gonna happen until I locate that safe place that I have decided to keep my passport again. Seriously! WTF! It's not like there are any closets or drawers in this place! That stupid thing should be sitting out in the middle of the floor somewhere!

PS re: tonight's dinner party: BYO Drinks people....if you want water (and unless you want a refreshing glass of the Nile) I suggest you show up with a bottle.

PPS: could you pls bring me something to drink too?

PPPS: Is anyone friends with the consular officer?

PPPS Could anyone make friends with the consular officer??

Remember When I Said Math was Hard??

So remember how excited I was to get to TDY back to the States and how I would see Josh at the end of July after my training? Remember how exciting that was??

Well, turns out Josh may not be able to make his onward flight to go see his parents and may have to stay at the hotel with me for the day and/or over night depending on flight availability.

Normally, I would say WHOO HOO...I get to see him earlier. However, it has recently come to my attention (when I thought about it) that I had PLANNED to lose 20 lbs before I saw josh - you know - remember when I had 7 mos to do so? WEEEEELLLLLLLLL, seems I now have about 5 days.

Anyone?!? ANYONE?!?! PHARMACIST?! I can't wait for Friday - I need help NOW!

I mean, who could have possibly seen this coming!? Seriously, just last week I had OODLES of time - I did the math - by my calculations I had about 5 mos left. AND, that one teen from the UK who was 464 lbs - she lost 205 pounds in about 11 months. THEREFORE, if you (carry the one, divide by 7 and times by the cosine) use that same mathmatical model I should be able to lose 29 pounds a week. I don't need to lose twenty NINE Pounds -- although, frankly maybe I should save up because we ARE going to Cheesecake on Sat...hmmm... oh wait, sorry.... RIGHT??

Who does math??? Someone check my work!!

Also, I fly out tomorrow night, but seem to have volunteered to host a dinner for about 15 people ...wait for it....tomorrow night. What the hell is wrong with me?? I haven't even packed! I guess I could just whip up some what?

Ah HAH! I've got a whole case of lunch sized beefaronis. I'll just put them all in one pan, sprinkle on some grated cheese and buy some of that arabic bread - and viola! Beefaroni rollups!

I should probably go tell the cook I'm gonna need dinner for 15 at seven, and bring some paper plates.

An Educational Post

I decided I would give something back to the community. I realized that I might have been a tad bit self-centered lately. How did I realize this, you ask?? Well, let me tell you. As I unpacked my stuff, I came upon a pic of Josh and myself back in the day when we actually lived in the same country. Back when I spoke to him on a daily basis that wasn't over an instant messenger or skype that always had a bunch of background noise and randomly the stupid kitty would come up instead of my picture because I can't figure out how to fix that damn video function.

(Interruption: listen science, please -- AFTER you finish inventing the fat pill -- I would really appreciate it if you could invent some type of technology that could fix the damn computer based upon what I am screaming at it, i.e., when I scream FIX THE F'N CAMERA AND MAKE THAT DAMN TALKING KITTY (that is kinda creepy frankly) GO AWAY! The 'puter knows what I want and the kitty goes quietly into the night. End interruption.)

Anyway, I realized that I have not seen my hubby in almost 7 months. SEVEN months people. Wait... I can't do math. I saw him in January. WHATEVER - It's been a long time. So, before I see him, I wanted to kinda make myself a better person (not deep down inside, I don't have that kinda time here - I see him at the end of July people. I just want to APPEAR to be better! I'm not running for JESUS!)

AS SUCH, I decided that a simple (albeit not exactly effortless, because I have to TYPE this stuff) thing to do would be to educate you all about the potential dangers of international travel.

Begin Education:

Duty Free is not a good deal. I realize that many of us THINK that it is duty free, therefore, it is a bargain - and you know why we think this? Because nobody really knows what "duty" is; therefore, we assume, if there is no "duty" you're getting it for a steal. Frankly, the only reason we go to duty free is because you quickly realize you are bored as hell waiting for the connection - even when you are in the business class lounge. Depending on which country you are currently transiting - sometimes there are no english language papers except for stupid USA Today and what the hell is that? It's like the People Magazine of Newspapers.

DO NOT under any circumstances attempt to do your own conversion to US Dollars (or British Boops, Canadian Canuks, Dubai Dingos, etc)!! it is important to remember that just because you are in a foreign country, does not mean that you suddenly know how to do math and it is probably not a good idea to assume that everything is "around $7," because sometimes it is not. SOMETIMES it is "around "$70," and even though that little travel bag that comes with the lotion LOOKS so cute, it is not actually worth it to buy the lotion that you're not really sure what it does because you can't read the language, but you're sure you can eventually figure it out. I'm just saying, sometimes you can't.

Do NOT assume that just because your Hubby is not in the same country, that he will not be able to check the credit card statement. Damn online banking and its stupid JOINT access accounts. Frankly, while the Feds are regulating the banking system, they really need to add in a requirement that the bank notify you if your hubby checks the accounts (credit, OR checking) so that you have time to determine WHY you spent so much money at duty free for that lotion and perfume that kinda stunk so you gave it to your housekeeper and you bought that purse in that name brand store you would normally NEVER go into because you know you can't afford it, but it SEEMED like such a deal when presented to you in Dingos, but then you did your own conversion and you thought it was like $17, and it was DUTY FREE ....ummm....well, let's just say I'm going to need some time to prepare. Okay!?

THEREFORE, IN CONCLUSION, when traveling internationally it is important to remember to always have an excuse pre-prepared for when you go to Duty Free because let's face it, you are NEVER going to be able to NOT go in there!!

Oh, and FYI, also do not try to finish the entire big thing of Toblerone that you bought for the office, but just wanted to try (to make sure it was still good and not stale) but then realized that you ate too much of it and you pretty much needed to hide the evidence. Yeah, don't do that either.

Why Do I Always Have to be the One To Bring This Shit Up???

Fine! I'll say it: Chef Boyardee...You are NOT a chef!! Your lasagna does NOT have any God-damned mozzarella in it, and WTF were you thinking with your "lunch sized" microwavable "meals."

FYI, that is (a) NOT a meal; rather, I believe it probably counts as one damn weight watchers point because there is approximately 2 bites in the damn can; and (b) that shit is DISGUSTING.


Now I'm all pissed because I was at Costco before I left the states, buying my "consumables" for 2 years in Sudan and thought to myself, "hmmm...I haven't had that in years! And Hey! it's only $12.99 -- why is EVERYTHING at Costco $12.99?? And, why do I always think that is a deal?" so I bought a CASE of it - assorted mind you - so I have no-cheese having disgusting lasagna, spaghetti and meatballs (that I haven't even opened and am frankly frighted at what I am going to find) and some beefaroni. What the hell is beefaroni? I have never seen that on a menu at an Italian restraunt!!

I suspect Chef Boyardee is not from Italy. Now all I have to do is prove it.

I said GOOD DAY! Boyardee!

However, I will tell you who DID like the lasagna! Little Pippy. She is adorable.




I opened my door -- and there's a little entryway in between the doors (not sure why, it just seems to be a pain in the ass, but the Sudanese might culturally demand an area where they can compose themselves before going through the second door - so I guess I just have to respect that!) ANYWAY, I must not have secured the outer door very well because I opened up the first door to go see if I could find some babies who had no idea that Lasagna should not be disgusting and/or contain mozzarella and, VIOLA! I had a pack of stray dingos in my foyer. I'm not sure that is precisely what the Sudanese were going for - but Hey! Now I've found a use for my extra space. Dingo Rest Area.

As I was trying to get the babies out of the foyer, a local guard was walking by and made a comment that the dogs sure liked my house. So naturally, (because I'm hilarious like that) I said, "A dingo ate my bay-bee" Clearly, the guy's never seen the movie beacuse he gave me a look like he was just a little bit frightened of me and hurried on his way to the back gate.

Whatever dude! that shit was funny!

Anyway, in between microwaving what I falsely assumed would be a culinary masterpiece, I have managed to (sorta) clean up the house. I didn't take a pic of Josh's man room that I filled up with everything I couldn't find a space for (read all the extra crap) because I think it would just make him too sad. However (avert your eyes from all the dust and stuff - we had a haboob and I haven't had THAT much time - baby steps people)...I actually have some stuff now. Not a lot, mind you - but some. Clearly, there will never be pics on the walls because they are all solid concrete. It's simply UNpossible for me to put them up. AND, I don't care enough - there is that too.

SHIT! What Did I Miss!?!?!?

So I had some "issues" with my internet here at home - and by issues, I mean it reverted back to the days of dial up - when it would take 34 minutes to load an email. Naturally, because I'm waaay too lazy and impatient to wait around for that, I told everyone it was "broken" and demanded that GSO get over here IMMEDIATELY to fix it because I was without vital life support services in my home.

Apparently, GSO does not think my lack of internet service warrants a call in at 0300.

Also apparently, GSO can hold a grudge for over 4 days.

Well played GSO, well played.

So It's been a whirlwind week - I received a poster from Tera at Olive Hue Designs (Thanks TERA!) that she made of (what I assume is me because I clearly am all skinny like that..ahem...WHAT?) holding a bottle of Bakon Vodka and a cupcake - some of my obvious favorites)! I received postcards from Dar and I thought I would document this evidence for you all. Snaps to Hit 40 for selflessly giving her winnings up to me!!! haha



Then some other stuff happened. I was all fired up about it too - but now I kinda forget. But last night was our national day celebration at the Embassy. And, apparently, I should not be allowed to drink in public. I'm clearly out of practice.

I am just saying - going to the National day straight from work (where the only food you've eaten all day is a grilled cheese sandwich at noon) for a 7 pm function and standing directly next to the bar where your friend Jason is serving drinks might have been a bad call. It might also have been a bad call to eventually wander over to the (reportedly) life-sized cut out of Hillary Clinton with Christina (who was ALSO standing next to the bar with me) and proceeding to have a conversation with the cardboard cut out. And it probably didn't help that we accused the Brit of attempting to steal that cut out to put up in their Embassy. Turns out he was not "eyeing Hillary" as I accused, but simply eyeing us, wonder what the hell we were doing talking to the cut out.

It was an honest mistake. I officially apologize to Britain. I hope this little incident can blow over quietly. I will leave some of the tonic water I have been hoarding at your Embassy. Can't we all just get along??

So, let's just end this post by noting that Paul had to drive me home while I hiccuped in the car the whole way. And, I may or may not be banned from any more official Embassy functions here in Sudan.

Thank GOD it wasn't a school night!!!