Monday, January 11, 2010

Well Now You're Just Being a Bitch....

Okay, so the mail fairy came yesterday, right?? So I'm like..WHAT UP YO!?  That ho came again....and only one week later!?!? How cool is that!? 

Oh, she's not cool.  In fact, she might have been the role model for Smelly Pirate Ho Mommy Dog.  Why am I so upset?  Mail fairy came to my house and she brought me the following:

Bills (WTF!?  Where have I been? How could I have acquired a damn BILL!? And WHY does Loudoun County think I'm going to pay said bill??  Fools!)

Paper Towels (Note to self: when using amazon.com to purchase grocery items, it is important to check the AMOUNT of grocery items when ordering.  However, now the $40 price tag for a "few" paper towels makes much more sense.  Turns out - I ordered 60 ROLLS of paper towels.  It was actually a good deal and not the highway robbery I had previously reported.)

(Second Note to Self: Send correction to Better Business Bureau.  Turns out Amazon.com is NOT run by a Nigerian crime ring as previously believed.  Seems they're a legitimate business.  -- will have to actually re-google Better Business Bureau.  Probably not gonna happen...send apology to amazon.com...I'm sure the BBB won't have opened the investigation or watchlisted the amazon.com employees for the no-fly selectee as I recommended.  It'll be fine.  Send them card.  Good 'Nuff...)

Coffee Grinder - I got all excited because as you may recall my "husband" (and I use the term loosely after this happened) broke our coffee maker - which had a coffee grinder IN it...As such, I'm currently coffee-less...the embassy has issued a warden notice to let everyone know they are not to try to interact with me prior to 10 am...for safety reasons.  The Warden notice specifies the Embassy is not responsible for any subsequent injuries for individuals who disregard the notice. 

Milk Frothing Pot - What? You don't have one? CHAA!  Loser.  Get with it.  NOBODY pours milk directly INTO their coffee.  Milk should be served in scalding bubbles format.  Dooy.

So why on EARTH am I claiming that the mail fairy is a bitch, you ask??

BECAUSE THE BITCH DIDN'T BRING THE COFFEE MAKER!!!   She tortured us with promises of coffee, and then left us hanging....not even a note to let us know that she INTENDS to bring the pot next week/next month/next May, NOTHING. 

Someone please tell me why God isn't actively smoting the damn mail fairy!  That bitch has it coming!

24 comments:

Frau said...

You need that bitch.....you holds all the power! I'd be in a ball rocking back and forth without my coffee! Hang in there!

Brian Miller said...

oh my...what a tease...everything but the coffee maker...

Mala said...

Can you call the BBB on the mail fairy? Or whoever you need to call in cases or cruel and unusual treatment.

Medora said...

I always run out of paper towels - I need the mail fairy to come and visit.

That one girl said...

Wow, she is a total truck stop whore.

mo.stoneskin said...

So the reason you were so ratty when I called this morning was because you were decaffeinated? I just thought it was because of all those fake bills I've been sending your way.

rxBambi said...

just relax. one little trip to starbucks and your worries are over.

Oh wait.

You can't.

Cuz you're in effin africa or something like that.


HAHAHAHAHAHA

I'm headed to starbucks now.

heeheehee

tera said...

Oh, that's just so mean. I would totally send you coffee but it would be undrinkable by the time it gets there. And maybe growing hair. Yeeish.

Jaime said...

what a bitch! how dare she tease you with the promise of freshly brewed caffeine!

CarrieAnn said...

I will just send you mine. It was the $10 cheap one from Wal-Mart. I can't figure out how to use it without getting coffee grounds in my cup.

Beth said...

What's the problem? Just go to your neighborhood Starbucks... oh, yeah. Never mind...

Fragrant Liar said...

Amazon.com sells not just books but papertowels?

Is it the REAL Amazon?

Are you effing with me?

blognut said...

Heh.

I think we should all work together to come up with an evil plan to take care of that mail fairy.

She's SO gonna get it!

modelonegro said...

Seriously... what a skank. Smotings never happen when you want. Like its not enough that you live in Africa!

McGillicutty said...

Oh Lord don't you feel violated.. there's nothing like half a package to make you want to declare war on mail fairies... who in my experience are more like mail dykes than fairies... just sayin' :)

Optimistic Pessimist said...

perhaps god is smoting the mail fairy by not letting her give you your coffee maker. let's face it, her life is going to be pretty miserable until she gives you what you want. it's god's way of smoting two people at once.

Jason said...

You really do have a great blog here. I have a blog myself which brings inspiration and guidance to people all around the world. Life is hard enough, and I hope my site can contribute anything positive to someone's day.

I'd like to exchange links with you to help spread some traffic around between each other. Please let me know if this is possible. Until then, keep up the good work.

Jason
TheWISDOMWALL.com

Lorna said...

I'm STILL laughing (and this is the second time reading this post). Have a new name for our mail carrier now, courtesy of you -- mail fairy. Except I'm not sure our's is a ho...but who knows? As long as she delivers my magazines I don't even care...

Anonymous said...

great post. I would love to follow you on twitter. By the way, did you guys learn that some chinese hacker had busted twitter yesterday again.
[url=http://amazon.reviewazone.com/]Evelyn[/url]

Gaston Studio said...

I hate grocery shopping so it's not unusual for me to return home with a "mistake" like the giant package of paper towels that I thought was toilet paper... and we needed toilet paper!

TC said...

I'm new here, great blog. I love the line.......I gots me some spare time. Now I'm reading.......

Anonymous said...

Don't stop posting such articles. I love to read articles like that. Just add more pics :)

Lorna said...

You made me laugh so hard, I left a Happy 101 award for you at my blog. And, I want a milk frothing pot!

SEO 成果報酬 said...

God is sleeping, and forgot the thing you mentioned.

So please wake him up.