Monday, May 13, 2013

So you may have noticed that I haven't been here -- or if you clicked on this link accidentally, just hit the back'll be back to your perusal of in no time.  However, if you were actually wondering; well, wonder no more.

I've moved to California!  Specifically, the OC!  Or, as my father likes to call it, "the land of fruits and nuts."  Which, before you get all Judge Judy on him, it's not an insult according to the people in his head.  Remember that he's from a different time--a time when life was simple and both racism and smoking was cool.  Back in his day, you walked to school barefoot; uphill, both ways -- and if you were not married at age 25, you were a spinster.  The outside was your garbage can, freedom wasn't free and jokes were never funny.

Not much has changed.

There are some downsides to living in CA; most notably that I really don't fit in and the smarties in Washington don't think I "need" diplomatic immunity.  I contend that if there ever was a location where the USG has posted me, I'm pretty sure CA is where immunity is needed the most!  First, I'm not really what anyone would call "caring" or "Eco-friendly."  And, I'm not healthy -- at least the CA definition of healthy.  I like beer, I like vodka, and I'm pro red meat.  Early on when I first moved here, I went out to dinner with some ladies from my hood, and by hood, I mean our small subdivision with the ocean views and roving security patrols in case poor people get in and try to look at our view.  The waiter brought the menus and I shit you not, the discussion went like this:

Buffy:  misquellen, I'm thinking I'm going to be bad today and get the fish taco appetizer!  We girls gotta live a little, don't we!?  Would you like to split them with me?

Me:  (horrified silence...did she say split?)

Anjelica:  Buffy! Her name is not misquellen, it's Miguel. Miggie, I'm going to get the goat cheese plate.  Would you like to split that with me?

Me: (the people in my head are going ape-shit!  Are they seriously going to split 2 small appetizers for their dinner for 4 people?!?  Who the hell is Miggie!?)

Buffy:  Oh sorry Manuel!  I'm so bad with names!  Hey!  I have an AMAZING idea, lets get both and just serve them family style!  Should we be bad and get a glass of wine?  I already had a sugar-free vanilla latte this morning!

Me:  (seriously?  am I giving off the latino vibe today?  Is my peasant shirt that authentic?)

Me:  I'll have a kettle one martini, extra dirty.  Wait!  Double.  I'll have a double.

(What?  I wasn't driving!  And I didn't have a sugar-free vanilla latte!)

I also do not share the state's apparent love for all God's creatures.  My love, if you will, is more shall we say, selective!!  Along the trail where I take Dillon on his daily hikes are signs noting how the trails are the "natural habitat of the rattlesnake" and how I need to respect their right to live and not disturb them.

 What. The. Fuck.  California!?!  I'll admit I scoffed at your assertion that coyotes are protected, not flea-ridden, rabies toting, kitten killers as I initially pointed out....but snakes?  I'm pretty sure even
God is on my side on this one.  They should be killed on principle!  They'd kill us if they could.

The above notwithstanding, I can say that I do love living in CA.  I'm in the land where the Cougar was invented and where there are blow-out super sales on cosmetic procedures!  I have about 2 years to learn how to mingle with the liberals -- keeping my work for the USG on the down-low because here, it's like admitting you enjoy kicking kittens.


Nomads By Nature said...

YAY!!!! We have never met, but I have missed you! Loving the update - waiting to see how the California culture rubs off on you! Welcome back!

Shannon said...

Yay! You are back, totally made my day!!

Amanda said...

I'm thrilled that you're "back". Aren't you glad that all your readers were super lazy and never cleaned out their reader feeders no matter how long a blogger has gone radio silent? I admit it was close, you might have lost a few to the DEATH OF GOOGLE READER 2013 but you slid in under the wire.

Welcome - please commence making me laugh about our government :D

firefox329 said...

I can't believe they wanted you to share food. What where they thinking? Buffy should count her blessing ( Buffy is a her I hope) the food wasn't really high on your list of top eats... fish taco's and Goat cheese?!!!?
Still I hope you informed them that you had trouble passing kindergarden due to this sharing thing. I know for a fact they just let you side on to 1st grade.
Thank GOD no RED MEAT was in this mass sharing. Someone could have gotten a fork to the face with a back the f*** off !