Sunday, October 2, 2011

Divorce is Awkward

First off, I totally promise this is not going to turn into a "I hate men" site, because I don't hate men.  Well, I mean, I clearly hate some men.  But then I hate women too.  I'm an equal opportunity hater.  Just to be fair, I'll keep this like it always was...where I pretty much just hate other people.  (You know what you did.)

But you know what I really hate??   I hate it when people walk up to me, pat me on the shoulder and say, "How are you doing?"  with this pitiful expectant look on their face.  It's really awkward for me, I mean...there is a LOTTA pressure to feel heartbroken and bitter when you get dumped. My standard, "I'm fine.  How are you?"  is usually met with silence and then a "well, if you ever want to talk...."  which is nice and all, but it's almost like people are disappointed if you're not walking around with puffy eyes and a handful of kleenex.  Luckily, I am finally able to walk around sniffling with a handful of Kleenex -- unfortunately, it's because I have allergies - but for God's sake! Don't tell anyone...I think they're secretly relieved! 

I choose to look at my glass as half-broken!!  You know, so you can throw it out and buy a new one?? One that is all trendy and cool.  NOW, I am finally free to fulfill my lifelong dream of marrying for money!  You know, like they do in the movies...or in New Jersey.   Like that! 

Couple of small issues I have run into in my pursuit of this new dream:

1.  Rich men aren't usually looking for non-supermodel women of a certain age... a number that will never be mentioned on this blog...

2.  I don't know any rich men. 

3.  My friends don't know any rich men.

4.  I'm too lazy to do stalking research to find out where the natural habitat of rich men is located and then go get a hunting permit.

Obviously, that dream is too hard.  It has multiple steps.  Probably not going to happen. 

Liz is on the lookout for someone to set me up with, but so far she's come up with a trauma surgeon who works with her husband - but then the guy suspiciously deploys to one of the war zones for a year.  Coincidence??  Then, she says her son's 9th grade teacher allegedly looks like George Clooney.  So, after I confirmed this man does not intend to flee the country, she says, "But he might be married....  And he teaches Calculus."  

WTF Liz!?!?! I can't even SPELL calculus and we all know I can't do math!  I don't need that kind of pressure!   What if he asks me out on a date and says we'll meet after work, but then he points out that he works in Vienna, so if he leaves work in his car at 5 pm going 43 miles per hour and has to stop for 3 tolls and will encounter 7 lights along the route, what time will we meet? 

SHIT!?!?! There is no way to know that!!!  I'm just going to end up showing up at his school and slashing his tires so I don't have to do anymore story problems.  Then I'd have to flee the state and turn to a life of crime.  Once again, I think we've shown that nothing good comes out of math.  Nothing.

Oh, we should probably also confirm if he's married.  That might be a problem too.  I'm almost positive you can only have one wife in the USA.  96.7% sure. 

Damnitt Liz....Can't you see my puffy eyes and handful of kleenex?!?!  I'm obviously in a very vulnerable state!  Or, my allergies are really acting up.  Could go either way.  We'll probably never know. 


Whatever!  I don't need a man!  I have Dillon.  I'll just get a few kitties (I'll name them scratchy, stabby, bitey and squeaker) and a box of cookies.  It's all good.

Broken or whole, a cookie never rejects you.

16 comments:

Suburban Correspondent said...

You need to read Bye, Bye Pie - you'll like her. Typepad doesn't allow HTML in comments, but here's the link:

http://byebyepie.typepad.com/bye_bye_pie/

If you can find the blog post guest-written by her friend Sleeping Beauty that is all about her online dating experiences, you won't regret it.

Suburban Correspondent said...

Oh, wait, how embarrassing - this isn't Typepad. Here's June's blog. She's great, and you'll love her.

Fragrant Liar said...

OMFG, you're alive! I am so happy to see you have not forsaken us, but sad to hear about your divorce. I am positive that if you keep coming back to blog, your mental outlook will improve immeasurably and you will inexplicably start doing math correctly.

xoxoxo, sister,
Kimber

injaynesworld said...

Men are like a great accessory you don't really need. Sure it spices up the outfit, but you really can live without it. The outfit, however, is necessary. One can't walk around naked. Well, not in most places anyway. So there you go. Need the outfit. Want, but can live without the accessory.

Enjoy your new freedom.

CarrieAnn said...

Sooooo....I just looked at my blog-roll, and right at the top is "Facts are Strictly Optional," and I thought, "Michel?! Really? Didn't she forget her password to blog-land or something?!" Holy cow....I'm so glad you're here again. I will not pass you kleenex, but I will send rich men your way. If I ever find one.

Paige said...

I am right there with you---starting all over seems like a huge pain in the ass.

On the other hand--I am having a blast! You will too

Empress Bee (of the high sea) said...

two posts in one day? look at their shoes. you can always tell a rich guy by his shoes. never fails.

hugs, bee
xoxoxoxoxo

Mom in High Heels said...

Empress Bee is totally right! The shoes are a sure giveaway! Oh, they might try to be look average and wear sneakers, but they buy the nicest ones they can find and they never get them dirty. Also golf shoes. Oh, that's what you can do!!! Take up golf! I used to be the Executive Assistant at a swanky course and those men had MONEY. Many weren't even married. Well, to be fair, they were usually divorced, but whatevs. Money.
I'm constantly telling James Bond that my next husband is going to be ridiculously wealthy. He says he'd be willing to let me go as long and I'm willing to keep him on the side and perhaps pay his bills. :)

wellthatwasdifferent said...

Sorry about the D.I.V.O.R.C.E. but glad you are back. I needed a good laugh!

Consul-At-Arms said...

Welcome back to the diploblogosphere!

Nomads By Nature said...

It is wonderful to have you back!! You were greatly missed!

Sirmelja said...

Sorry, I have first dibs on any rich men neither I or my friends know. I've promised the second one to my cousin. But the next one is TOTALLY yours!

Anonymous said...

OMG! HI! Just about two weeks ago I used you as an example of why I never clean out my list of blogs. "She might come back and I'd miss her, so I check once a week or so and keep hoping." AND YOU'RE BACK!

To think that I wasted the first 30 minutes of my federal workday working instead of checking on you! Damn, this job gets in the way some days.

Betty the Fed

Anonymous said...

YOUR FREAKING AMAZING

tera said...

If I come across someone worthy I'll let you know. Unfortunately for everyone but me, Secret Agent Man is the nicest, bestest guy I know. If I can figure out how to clone him, though, I'll let you know.

♥ Braja said...

Well it's about time you ditched that useless husband and came back to us, bitch....

(I don't know if that works for you but it got a laugh out of me, and that's the important thing, right???)